Notes from the Black Abyss
If you had been looking for me at 3:59 AM on November 28th, 2008, you would not have found me in a nice logical place like a warm, comfy bed. Oh, no. I was not there. To be certain and quite clear, I was nowhere near my soft down comforter, but instead outside with at least 500 shoppers as Portland Kohl's opened their doors at 4 AM for the Black Friday festival of consumerism. Kohl's tag line is "Expect great things." I am doing no such thing.
At Thanksgiving dinner the evening before, I made plans with my Aunt Jill to meet her and my cousin Daniel at Kohl's at 4 AM outside. Specifically the one a little further drive from home, but much nicer. I've been talking about joining her for years for Black Friday, but I've never gotten myself together enough to wake up that early just to go shopping. My wife sent me there with a mission to buy picture frames. Lots of them. We're flush with pictures of the boy, who recently had a trip to the photographer's for his 6-month photo shoot. Having pictures taken of your child at 6 months is a normal thing to do, apparently. Add this to the already growing list of things I didn't know before he was was born.
At 3:49 I exited my car and strolled towards the bright lights of Kohl's. I observed a sea of humans curving in a thick line 5 people wide from the front doors and winding along the sidewalk all the way to Best Buy, butting against a much shorter line of nerds. Must have been a sale on floppy disks, Blue Rays, or there was a new World of Warcraft expansion pack coming out that morning. Yeah! Wait! I can't make fun of this line, as I am in a line myself. In fact, it would be much cooler to be in their line. I've never even been to Kohl's, but I've been to Best Buy at least 100 times.
Searching for Jill and Daniel, I walked along the line from the front doors making eye contact with each person. "Who are these people?", I wondered quietly. It was clear that there were very few of me: Males between the ages of 25 and 40 not wearing camouflage cargos pants. There were many, many women. The gender ratio looked 4:1 women to men. I overheard one woman telling someone else she drove 100 miles to be there that morning. Questionable use of time, to be certain.
It's not like anybody here was doing anything that special. We weren't saving anything from extinction or raising money for a cure. Springsteen wasn't popping out from behind a curtain. It looked like there are some good prices this morning. We could save a few bucks here and there. But Jill tells me you just end up buying stuff you didn't plan on, anyway, so where are the savings?
At the back of the line and near 4 AM, I called Jill. She apologized, but the "kids got up late", so they had to go to the Kohl's nearby. She asked if there was anything I needed. I informed her that I was fine and would be doing my own shopping this morning, thank you. The doors then flew open and we sheep started pushing forward towards the light at the end of the parking lot. Anxious Annies started cheating forward ahead of me. What's the concern at this point? That moving up 5 spaces in line with 400 people in front of us is going to guarnantee that you get your waffle iron at a good price? Simmer down folks. We'll all get inside.
This crowd was nothing like the one at Wal Mart in Long Island, New York, who killed a temp worker just trying to open the doors. They trampled him to death. No, these were just peaceful Portlanders looking to kick off the Christmas season at Kohl's. As I waited with the masses, I imagined what I would do after I left the store and before the sun rose. Krispy Kreme's. Sweet, delicious donuts and coffee were in order.
I wondered why anyone would care if they were first or just come later. Nobody handed me any free stuff. They didn't have coffee for me. No donuts. So what is the big whoop with getting there first? I shopped for my picture frames. It took me about 10 minutes. No big deal. It was time to check out.
Then it all became clear to me: You can't leave if you are one of the last ones just coming in the doors. I stepped into a line that didn't have a visible beginning or end. Just line. I trusted a fleece-and-Aqua Net-bound woman, who assured me this line was shorter than that one "over there." She did look believable. Clearly this was not her first rodeo. And clearly this was my fate. I counted roughly 400 people in front of me in line to enter the store. We all came to buy. So we all had to check out. This crowd was not for browsers. And registers with paid staff, however amply stocked this morning, would not be able to process this mighty herd in a timely fashion.
Years from now when we are all shopping online, historians will recount Black Friday crowds the way they recall the might buffalo herds of the old west before the White Man nearly make them extinct.
Fashion eschewals: Men in their fifties should not wear blue tank tops and long jeans shorts in public under any circumstance. But they really shouldn't wear them after Thanksgiving, especially when what is consequently exposed looks more in need of mowing than shaving.
Shopping eschewals: Infants out shopping with the family at 4 AM. There is no excuse for this sort of behavior. If you want to act as a corporate robot, being led out into the early morning at the behest of the media and big box stores, that is your prerogative. But don't take your babies there with you. They need to be sleeping in their cribs at home. Doi.
While standing in the check out line, I wondered why everyone was here. I think there were some good prices today, but I think I could have accomplished the same task if I had waited until 9 AM to go shopping. The so called Black Friday is the day that retailers get into the black for the first time all year. I think folks come out for the bargains, but then buy extra stuff that they wouldn't have normally. There may be a ritual and excitement about doing the same thing every year and kicking off the holiday season. But everything seems so corporate. It seems like the only winners are the store owners and less the consumer. Once you get into the check out line, there is no excitement and all you do is overhear people lusting over things to buy.
But I guess I'm not a born shopper. I went years completing my entire shopping list online. In one sitting. Within a half hour. Maybe making only one transaction from one cart. Before the internet I once bought my little brother a box of blank 3 1/2 floppies while on break during my shift at K-Mart. Somehow I prioritized accomplishing the task of getting gifts for folks based on my convenience and desired budget. The folks I was with that morning at Kohl's were not buying presents based on those principles. In fact, I kind if wished there was someone out there waking up at the crack of dawn to buy my presents with this energy.
After 30 minutes in line, I was finally blessed with the opportunity to pay for my goods. Thank you Kohl's, thank you. The frames did come at a good price. They handed me back $10 in Kohl's Bucks, whatever that means. Though I didn't learn much of anything that morning, I did get a few tasty donuts in me before I went back to bed.
At Thanksgiving dinner the evening before, I made plans with my Aunt Jill to meet her and my cousin Daniel at Kohl's at 4 AM outside. Specifically the one a little further drive from home, but much nicer. I've been talking about joining her for years for Black Friday, but I've never gotten myself together enough to wake up that early just to go shopping. My wife sent me there with a mission to buy picture frames. Lots of them. We're flush with pictures of the boy, who recently had a trip to the photographer's for his 6-month photo shoot. Having pictures taken of your child at 6 months is a normal thing to do, apparently. Add this to the already growing list of things I didn't know before he was was born.
At 3:49 I exited my car and strolled towards the bright lights of Kohl's. I observed a sea of humans curving in a thick line 5 people wide from the front doors and winding along the sidewalk all the way to Best Buy, butting against a much shorter line of nerds. Must have been a sale on floppy disks, Blue Rays, or there was a new World of Warcraft expansion pack coming out that morning. Yeah! Wait! I can't make fun of this line, as I am in a line myself. In fact, it would be much cooler to be in their line. I've never even been to Kohl's, but I've been to Best Buy at least 100 times.
Searching for Jill and Daniel, I walked along the line from the front doors making eye contact with each person. "Who are these people?", I wondered quietly. It was clear that there were very few of me: Males between the ages of 25 and 40 not wearing camouflage cargos pants. There were many, many women. The gender ratio looked 4:1 women to men. I overheard one woman telling someone else she drove 100 miles to be there that morning. Questionable use of time, to be certain.
It's not like anybody here was doing anything that special. We weren't saving anything from extinction or raising money for a cure. Springsteen wasn't popping out from behind a curtain. It looked like there are some good prices this morning. We could save a few bucks here and there. But Jill tells me you just end up buying stuff you didn't plan on, anyway, so where are the savings?
At the back of the line and near 4 AM, I called Jill. She apologized, but the "kids got up late", so they had to go to the Kohl's nearby. She asked if there was anything I needed. I informed her that I was fine and would be doing my own shopping this morning, thank you. The doors then flew open and we sheep started pushing forward towards the light at the end of the parking lot. Anxious Annies started cheating forward ahead of me. What's the concern at this point? That moving up 5 spaces in line with 400 people in front of us is going to guarnantee that you get your waffle iron at a good price? Simmer down folks. We'll all get inside.
This crowd was nothing like the one at Wal Mart in Long Island, New York, who killed a temp worker just trying to open the doors. They trampled him to death. No, these were just peaceful Portlanders looking to kick off the Christmas season at Kohl's. As I waited with the masses, I imagined what I would do after I left the store and before the sun rose. Krispy Kreme's. Sweet, delicious donuts and coffee were in order.
I wondered why anyone would care if they were first or just come later. Nobody handed me any free stuff. They didn't have coffee for me. No donuts. So what is the big whoop with getting there first? I shopped for my picture frames. It took me about 10 minutes. No big deal. It was time to check out.
Then it all became clear to me: You can't leave if you are one of the last ones just coming in the doors. I stepped into a line that didn't have a visible beginning or end. Just line. I trusted a fleece-and-Aqua Net-bound woman, who assured me this line was shorter than that one "over there." She did look believable. Clearly this was not her first rodeo. And clearly this was my fate. I counted roughly 400 people in front of me in line to enter the store. We all came to buy. So we all had to check out. This crowd was not for browsers. And registers with paid staff, however amply stocked this morning, would not be able to process this mighty herd in a timely fashion.
Years from now when we are all shopping online, historians will recount Black Friday crowds the way they recall the might buffalo herds of the old west before the White Man nearly make them extinct.
Fashion eschewals: Men in their fifties should not wear blue tank tops and long jeans shorts in public under any circumstance. But they really shouldn't wear them after Thanksgiving, especially when what is consequently exposed looks more in need of mowing than shaving.
Shopping eschewals: Infants out shopping with the family at 4 AM. There is no excuse for this sort of behavior. If you want to act as a corporate robot, being led out into the early morning at the behest of the media and big box stores, that is your prerogative. But don't take your babies there with you. They need to be sleeping in their cribs at home. Doi.
While standing in the check out line, I wondered why everyone was here. I think there were some good prices today, but I think I could have accomplished the same task if I had waited until 9 AM to go shopping. The so called Black Friday is the day that retailers get into the black for the first time all year. I think folks come out for the bargains, but then buy extra stuff that they wouldn't have normally. There may be a ritual and excitement about doing the same thing every year and kicking off the holiday season. But everything seems so corporate. It seems like the only winners are the store owners and less the consumer. Once you get into the check out line, there is no excitement and all you do is overhear people lusting over things to buy.
But I guess I'm not a born shopper. I went years completing my entire shopping list online. In one sitting. Within a half hour. Maybe making only one transaction from one cart. Before the internet I once bought my little brother a box of blank 3 1/2 floppies while on break during my shift at K-Mart. Somehow I prioritized accomplishing the task of getting gifts for folks based on my convenience and desired budget. The folks I was with that morning at Kohl's were not buying presents based on those principles. In fact, I kind if wished there was someone out there waking up at the crack of dawn to buy my presents with this energy.
After 30 minutes in line, I was finally blessed with the opportunity to pay for my goods. Thank you Kohl's, thank you. The frames did come at a good price. They handed me back $10 in Kohl's Bucks, whatever that means. Though I didn't learn much of anything that morning, I did get a few tasty donuts in me before I went back to bed.
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