Beard Magic

My wife loves my beard. I didn't don it when we first met, but over time I've grown it more frequently and kept it on longer. Now she misses it when it's shaved. But why? I think I probably grew the beard to begin with out of sheer laziness. Probably in the midst of a few weeks on vacation I quit the razor, then left it alone when it was time to go back to work. If the tables were turned, I might think, "Gee whiz, that's a symbol of laziness. Might you remove it?" But that has not happened. I have my reasons as to why.

Billy Mays has notched himself a very real place in the American conscience. Google his name and see what comes up. I think he may be the most well known American--if by face recognition only--fully bearded man. I think during the 70's it was probably Isaiah from Little House on the Prairie (also Mark from Highway to Heaven). Who could forget how scraggly his beard became when he went on a bender and scared everyone?

I think 10 years ago we all would have voted Al from Tool Time. But this Billy Mays character is everywhere on television nowadays. If you watch television, you've seen him. He's a pitch-man for products. He's done a zillion infomercials, and has graduated to doing national-ad 30 second television commercials. One of his nuances that makes him a little different is that he yells the entire time. I've never figured out how he's effective with this tactic, but he is completely effective with this tactic. Here is what I'm talking about:

Really? Hollering works for moving miniature burger makers? It must be one of those things that only he can pull off. Can you imagine strolling into the local Honda dealership and having a big fella smoothly walk around a new Accord and start bellowing features at you in that tone?

"This Accord has power windows and a moonroof. It goes 0-60 in 6.5 seconds...that's 25% faster than any sedan on the market today..."

Now imagine a big bearded fellow bellowing the same thing at you. You can see yourself listening to him, can't you? You want to know what he has to say, don't you. If the big bearded man is talking, it must be because he has something you need to hear, right? Bearded men don't waste your time, do they?

So I'm starting to think bearded men like Billy Mays and Al and Isaiah are quickly and easily accepted as trustworthy because of their age and beards. Somehow a trimmed beard makes one look responsible. It's like providing to the world a vignette of how you keep your life tended and neat. 

Athletes have been growing beards for their respective playoffs runs more frequently over the last few years. The Philadelphia Eagles, for example, are letting their hair grow right now. Hockey players have been doing this for years. You want to know why? I know why: Because Billy Mays does it. Because growing a beard makes you more credible. More mature. It's like every male's superpower for respect that they rarely use.

But you have to watch out. Don't let that beard go untended. If you do, make sure not to get arrested, or you'll end up with this collection of rejects. Nature lets you grow the beard, but nurture ensures you'll tend it properly. When this balance disrupts, rest assured chaos will occur. I betcha those fellas were upstanding citizens until their beard got out of whack. Then meth happened, and next thing you know, you have a mug shot on

Over the holidays the weather up here grew really chilly, and I let my beard grow longer and fuller. Know what my wife said about it? Of course you do. She loved it. And she should love it. She's no different than the rest of America who loves the trustworthy beards of Billy, Al and Isaiah.


1 Comment

Tron Carter writes:
That's an entertaining piece. Billy Mays blows my mind. I bet he spends 4 days a week just stuffing cash into pillow cases to get it out of his way.

Share your thoughts

Comments are the sole responsibility of the person posting them. You agree not to post comments that are off topic, defamatory, obscene, abusive, threatening or an invasion of privacy. Click here for our full user agreement.


Search this blog

Recent Posts