Oh, Thank Heaven?
By Sarah Carlson
March 6, 2007
The big news in Abilene is the sale of Skinny's, that corner store staple, to 7-Eleven, the home of the Slurpee, for a whopping $70 million. To those of you who'll mourn the loss of Skinny's Big Swig, you're not alone. My brother paused while at work in L.A. to remember his college days in Abilene:
"How are kids supposed to have [a college] experience without 79-cent Big Swigs in the summer? Being outside at dusk in Texas is probably one of the best things ever, and if you're driving to Skinny's with a friend to get a Big Swig before heading over to a [friend's] house to watch TV, it's unbeatable."
Our colleague, Brian Bethel, decided to throw his two cents in on how 7-Elevens will introduce Abilenians to a whole new world of flavor. For those of you who keep Kosher, here's a handy Web site he found that provides a list of acceptable Slurpees. For all of us, it's time to get used to the Big Gulp.
Now, on to Bethel's take:
Brian Bethel Would Like a Slurpee, Please
The advent of 7-Eleven should introduce a whole new world of flavor and color to the tired palates of Abilene convenience store connoisseurs.
Consigned to the grave is plain-Jane java. Dashed to the unforgiving earth standard sandwiches. Rejoice, for a new age of snack-smacking goodness and frozen iced beverages is nigh:
The Slurpee. Oh, there are imitators. Pretenders to the throne. Those who would wrest the frosted crown from the One, True King. But none, none shall stand against the original “icy concoction” that comes in flavors ranging from Birch Beer to Shrekalicious to Kryptonite Ice.
Who knew that the potent bane of the Man of Steel, the Man of Tomorrow, the Last Son of Krypton was oh-so flavorful, so lime-like?
Soon you will. And we’ll just call you “Lex.”
Fusion Energy Coffee. Coffee? For losers. Oh, sure you can doll it up and call it a latte or a cappuccino or a cappuccinolatte or whatever, but it’s just coffee.
Times have changed. Life is quick and fast-paced. And now, we need EXTREME coffee for our oh-so-extreme Abilene lifestyles.
Infused with the power of a variety of (presumably legal) herbs, such as ginseng, guarana and verba mate, it’s served in a bright yellow pot and is the perfect way to “seize the day,” according to the company’s Web site.
“What can you do with more energy?” Probably hit the snooze bar even faster.
1/4 Pound Big Bite Hot Dog. The King of American Meals. Allegedly. I mean, I suppose if you discount things like actual food.
Each hot dog is, and I quote (from www.7-eleven.com), “made to 7-Eleven’s rigorous specifications” and contains cutting-edge ingredients, such as cheese, relish and even chili.
Its heaviness not only assures a full stomach but the ability to use it as a small bludgeoning weapon when you’re attacked by hungry hobos living in the parking lot.
The perfect blend of science and function, the STIR CRAZY (apparently the ALL CAPITALS ARE REQUIRED), assures that your ice cream-like flavor treat are stirrably soft, even when frozen — and they come with delicious “chocolaty toppings.” Yuuuummm.
Enjoy, while blocking from your brain speculations on the exact contents of the curious chemical stew that powers this unholy stepchild of the Blizzard. -- Brian Bethel
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