Paulina Whats-her-name-a booted off "Dancing"
By Erin Steele
March 28, 2007
Sad fact of the day: "Dancing with the Stars" is rated second only to "American Idol" in terms of popularity with television audiences. Which is kind of like saying, "Hey, you're runner up to a big pile of poo. Congrats."
I have to admit, I successfully avoided both "Idol" and "Dancing" until this season. Actually, I'm still avoiding "Idol" -- perhaps not like the plague, but more like a really terrible television show I have no interest in watching -- but the B-list allure of "Dancing" has caught my attention, in that same sort of guilt-ridden way the Oxygen network's French-Canadian conundrum "Bliss" did (if you haven't seen "Bliss," prepare for hours of laughter, head-scratching and ultimately, a much necessary brain-bleaching. But it's awesome. For real. And now available on DVD.)
This season, the insanity of a one-legged ex-McCartney attempting to Foxtrot has been the biggest motivation for many to tune in, but I say "nay" -- Heather Mills could lose her good leg, an arm and an earlobe while performing her Mambo for the world, and she'd still be boring to watch. What gives? If you really want to glean some ratings from limbless quasi-celebs, get a pirate to join the cast. Not only would he have a visible peg leg, but also an eye patch and maybe a parrot. And imagine his reaction when he gets voted off. I bet at least two of the three judges would lose their lives, and considering America's affinity for gratuitous violence, that would mean ratings gold, right?
But I digress. The real reason for this entry is to mourn the loss of Paulina Porizkova, a model best known for her riveting turn as the source of Tom Selleck's faux alibi in "Her Alibi," a movie that boasted the tagline: "Falling for a beautiful woman can be murder!" Of course, starring with one can be worse (c'mon Selleck, even the moustache out-acted her), but apparently dancing with one is the real disaster. When Billy Ray Cyrus and Clyde Drexler (aka The Mummy) can outmove you, it's time to pack up the stilettos, move to the North Carolina hills and start living it up "Nell"-style.
"I feel like the kid on the playground made by the parents to go home when they're not ready yet," she said. I'm all for similes, but they're cooler when you can understand them. Like when the original Dirty Dancer, Patrick Swayze, crooned "She's Like the Wind." Now that's a simile with some teeth. And a sexy black tank top.
Of course, there will likely be many more whos-his-faces and whats-her-names to be booted off next week. My vote? Miss USA Shandi Finnessey. Not because she's especially terrible, but because like Porikzchop, her name is too hard to spell. Or maybe it would be better if Billy Ray got the boot, because then he'd probably make some dorky reference to his "Achy Breaky Heart," and that would be an awesome shout-out to his once-proud mullet. We'll see.
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