Greatest Hits: "A Rash of 'Staches"
By Sarah Carlson
April 10, 2007
Starting right this second, we're going to periodically post some of our centerpieces from the print version of The Insider, which appears on Thursdays in the Abilene Reporter-News, for a "Greatest Hits" series. Enjoy.
By Erin Steele, Illustrations by Fernando Hernandez
They’re back ... for better or for worse. Moustaches are taking over the world one follicle at a time, so it’s best to stay on top of the trend. Here’s a look at all kinds of facial hair and who you’ll see sporting it. Wanna have some real fun? Cut out the examples below and try them on for size.
THE SELLECK®
What it is: Luxurious, ticklish, a tool for love possessed by only the most suave of Hawaii-based private investigators. Those who sport The Selleck® understand the glory of follicle art; this beauty is the Mona Lisa of moustaches.
Who sports it: Burt Reynolds was renowned for his anorexic version of The Selleck®. Jason Lee displays a spectacular upper-lip on “My Name is Earl.” And, of course, the moustache’s namesake still boasts his time-honored hairs.
In or out? Definitely in.
THE MOLESTACHE
What it is: That nasty upper-lip scraggle sported by young men who don’t know any better, and older men who should. If lustrous locks aren’t in your future, give it up — you don’t want to look like the guy who lovingly gazes at his ex- girlfriend from the court-ordered 500 feet.
Who sports it: Ever seen a Frida Kahlo self-portrait? Michael Jackson has also been known to push a couple of small hairs through his plastic-coated pores.
In or out? Always, always, always out.
THE GOATEE
What it is: Well, the root word is “goat” if that gives you a hint. The official mask of slackerhood, goatees are perfect for men who don’t feel like shaving every day and don’t want to exert the energy it takes to grow a beard. The weird part? Ladies love ’em.
Who sports it: The goatee was immortalized by Ethan “I wash my hair every three months” Hawke in “Reality Bites.” Since then, it’s been spotted on nearly every male celebrity in Tinseltown. Hey Leo — I’m lookin’ at you.
In or out? In.
THE FULL BEARD
What it is: The Super Bowl of facial hair, it’s what every dude strives for after sprouting his first follicle. Those who have them usually come with nicknames such as “Papa Bear” or “Big John” (or maybe I just made that up. Still, you should call them that). Wanna meet some people who love beards? Check out this site: www.handlebarclub.co.uk/wbmc.html
Who sports it: Paul Giamatti has jumped on the beard bandwagon. So have stars such as Jared Leto. But let’s not forget the ultimate beard-wearer: Santa.
In or out? Depends on whom you ask.
THE FU MANCHU
What it is: Not exactly the most politically-correct name for a facial-hair construction, the Fu Manchu was inspired by Dr. Fu Manchu, an evil genius of Manchu origin featured in a series of novels by Birmingham author Sax Rohmer. In an unforeseen turn of events, the Fu Manchu is now most often spotted on rodeo cowboys and other people who don’t know — or care — how stupid they look.
Who sports it: The aforementioned. And that guy from the Village People (you know, the one in leather).
In or out? Out.
THE SOUL PATCH
What it is: A tiny piece of facial scruff that cannot be categorized as either beard or moustache. Though not as disconcerting as the Stalker ’Stache, it still stands as a petite stamp of pretension we prefer to avoid. Plus, it kind of makes a guy look like something is nesting right below his bottom lip. Not cool.
Who sports it: Shaggy (zoinks!); Satan; Howie Mandel; that dude who played Tony on “24” (though he ditched it after season one).
In or out? Some can pull it off. If they can’t, I’m always happy to pull it off for them.
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