Greatest Hits: "Pop Threads"
By Sarah Carlson
April 23, 2007
Original publication date: Jan. 18
By Erin Steele
There are plenty of online vendors out there who tap into the entertainment nerd in all of us, preying on our desire to express ourselves via overpriced products.
But why allow the Internet to swallow up your hard-earned (or easily-earned — ya lazy bum) dollars, when you can craft equally entertaining pop-culture-centric shirts right in your own back yard (I mean that figuratively and literally. Arts and crafts can be messy. You might want to go outside). Buy a solid T-shirt, a few iron-ons or a permanent marker and go crazy — be the Jackson Pollock of custom-made tees (and if you don’t know who Jackson Pollock is, you should probably read more). Don’t be afraid to steal ideas; after all, that’s what pop culture is all about (though it’s usually termed “post-modernism.” Just FYI).
DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES!
Onehorseshy.com
I think we all remember the heartbreak that was Donna Martin’s dance o’ delinquency. “Beverly Hills 90210’s” bastion of abstinence, Donna drank just one glass of champagne — one, I say! — and arrived at prom so sloppy drunk, the principal had no choice but to withhold her diploma. Luckily for Donna, her (totally platonic) friends (which included Shannon Doherty’s Brenda, and let’s face it, who could stand firm in the face of her terrifying denim vests?) demanded that the school board reconsider. Knowing that the “Beverly” brethren could buy and sell them, they relented. And they all lived happily ever after. Until the following season.
Self-made alternatives: Donna wasn’t the only teen soap star who faced a brush with non-graduation. Remember Zack Morris’ tights-clad credit-accumulating performance of “Swan Lake” (because so many high schools offer ballet class. Whatever.)? Or Felicity barely winning the right to walk the UNY stage after that little art-paper plagiarism incident? Just
because they deserved their fate doesn’t mean you shouldn’t flaunt your favorite hero/heroine’s victory over public education. Slackers rule.
GEORGE BUSH KILLED MY DOG
Onehorseshy.com
There are a plethora of reasons to dislike George W. Bush — his deity-like way of announcing, nay, DECLARING his decisions and his hooked-on-phonics-did-not-work-for-me reading/speaking skills — but when the president kills your dog, you kinda win a “Get out of Guantanamo Bay Free” card when it comes to insulting said ruler of the free world and/or backtalking the TV whenever he is on it. 'Cause only a Commie wouldn’t hold a grudge against the dude who killed his dog. I’m just saying.
Self-made alternatives: I say Bush, you say Obama. Choose your least-fave
politico and lay a false claim against them. John Kerry stole my Heinz. Dick Cheney spit on my baby. Something like that.
A BABY STOLE MY DINGO
Palmercash.com
The perils of the Australian Outback are well documented: Drinking a few too many
Foster’s. Eating one too many fried onion petals. Allowing your offspring to be kidnapped by wild animals with very funny names. One fewer discussed danger of the Land Down Under is wild babies — ones that will steal your dingo the minute you let him out for a stroll around the yard. Maybe because Meryl hasn’t wailed about bandit babies, the world is still ignorant to these miniscule menaces. And helpless dingoes are suffering.
Self-made alternatives: Movie quotes can be reimagined in many ways. The important part is choosing one that means something to you — and then completely changing its meaning. Which kinda defeats the purpose. But it still sounds funny.
BAD GRAMMAR MAKES ME [SIC]
Onehorseshy.com
Sadly, correct grammar has taken a backseat to brevity these days. I suppose it shouldn’t come as a surprise considering very few people send text messages asking: “do u thnk im smrt?” Answer: :( And as long as teens continue to believe “u r hot” is meaningful conversation, we can all kiss proper grammar goodbye. But here’s a way to express your displeasure in an effective, albeit dorky, way. Your intended targets may not know what [sic] means, but that’s why they submit writings that force it to be used in the first place. Dummies.
Self-made alternatives: Anything that loudly announces your inner nerd. President of the Chess Club? Check mate! Star Mathlete? Solve that problem, killer! Sure, people might make fun of you — but they’re going to anyway. Beat them to the punch.
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