Greatest Hits: "Sad Songs Say So Much"
By Sarah Carlson
April 16, 2007
Original publication date: Feb. 15
So your Valentine’s Day didn’t go as planned ... exorcise those love pangs by popping your favorite breakup tunes into the CD player (make sure everyone else can hear them, too, just in case they’re selfish enough to be happy when you’re not).
THE VINDICTIVE BREAKUP
Planning a last-minute road trip to Florida to greet your ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend? No problem! Throw your wigs and rope into the trunk, strap on your diaper and pop Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know” into the CD player — it’s sure to get you in that peppy, pepper-spraying kinda mood. (No doubt the melody will still be rattling around in your brain as you’re fingerprinted. Belt out a few notes for that special police officer in your life).
Of course, no one wants the guy who was just ditched to feel left out — fellas should indulge in Blue October’s “Breakfast After 10,” which instructs you on how to get back at your ex in the most infantile way possible (and everyone knows there’s nothing quite as fun as that). Plus, you’ll get to screech a lot as you sing it, and that can be therapeutic. Right? — Erin Steele
THE PLEASANT BREAKUP
Denton one-hit wonder Deep Blue Something gave hope to everyone who does NOT want a vindictive breakup: "Breakfast at Tiffany's," where a couple that really has no future at least can say, hey, we both kinda liked it (the film version, that is). So their time together wasn't a total loss or a complete waste of time. When you break up, you can use a dose of self-confidence. — Brien Murphy
THE EXTREME DEPRESSION BREAKUP
Binoculars? Check. Dark clothing? Check. Trusty Captain Morgan at your side? Check and check. If you’re parked across the street from your ex’s place, stalking his or her every move and wiping your tears with his or her favorite shirt you claim you don’t have, you’re a few steps beyond the Sensitive Dude or Lilith Fair Breakups (see below). Now it’s time to turn to Michael Bolton, that long-maned minx (I’m pretending he never cut his locks) whose anthem “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You?” will help you through these dark times.
Need a more current tune to put on repeat when you can’t get out of bed the next day? JamesBlunt’s “Goodbye My Lover” should keep you un-showered and unloved for weeks. Maybe months. — Sarah Carlson
THE NEW WAVE BREAKUP
Greg Kihn was really on to something in 1981 with "The Breakup Song" (even if the title was a little obvious). The last place you want to be when you've "broken up for good just an hour ago" is "staring at all the bodies as they're dancing 'cross the floor" ... and the stupid band chooses THAT moment to play a slow song. Sure, you're sad when you break up, but don't forget the very valid emotion of anger. Indeed, they don't write 'em like that anymore. — BM
THE HAIR BAND BREAKUP
We can’t all be Tommy and Gina. Sometimes, even our most fervent prayers can’t save our relationships, no matter how loud we shout our affections or how hard we pump our fists in the air. For these heartbreaks, we must turn to the master: Bon Jovi, with “You Give Love a Bad Name.” While it’s not going the Vindictive Breakup route (Huggies are expensive), belting out ’80s glam rock in the privacy of your vehicle can be therapeutic. Later on, hold your lighter in the air (20 feet away from any building, mind you) and remember the good times, all images in soft focus and with a surprising amount of glitter.
But remember: Just like every night has its dawn, “Every Rose Has Its Thorn.” You’ll bounce back. Thanks for the tip, Poison! — SC
THE ‘I DON’T CARE HOW STUPID THIS SONG IS, IT SOOTHES ME’ BREAKUP
Turning to Celine Dion in a time of crisis is the musical equivalent of chasing Vicodin with a few martinis — you know it’s potentially lethal, but somehow it just seems like a good idea at the time. If you must take the French-Canadian route, listen to “My Heart Will Go On” — it might remind you of how bad “Titanic” was, and that’s always good for a laugh.
For a less glass-breaking — but equally cheesy — alternative, turn to Toni Braxton’s “Unbreak My Heart.” You can unbreak your budget by picking it up in the bargain bin. — ES
THE ‘WHY DIDN’T I DO THIS SOONER?’ BREAKUP
If you’re the one who did the dumping and are regretting ever dating that guy you met in the Skinny’s checkout line, it’s time to celebrate your freedom with Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust.” You’re not a heartbreaker; you just have a penchant for picking losers. Crank up Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” and enjoy the single life. Reinforcing the belief that you’ll survive may come in handy if you see Mr. Big Swig sitting in his car across the street from your apartment. It happens. — SC
THE LILITH FAIR BREAKUP
Don’t breakups make you feel a little like you’re a teenager again? When you swore you’d never forget your high school boyfriend as you listened to Sarah McLachlan’s “I Will Remember You” for the eight millionth time only to discover, years later, that you can’t even remember his name (he sure was cute, though). Or how you’d tell yourself, “I’ll never leave the cap off the toothpaste,” as you’d listen to Jewel croon “You Were Meant For Me” (failing to realize at such a young age that any guy who gets so incredibly anal over a toothpaste cap probably isn’t worth dating anyway).
Yes, the artists of Lilith Fair were our tour guides through a plethora of tough emotions as we’d go to bed so exhausted from crying that we wouldn’t even take our retainers out. So go ahead: let them comfort you again. At least now, you can listen to “Foolish Games” with a glass of wine in hand. — ES
THE SENSITIVE DUDE BREAKUP
So that harlot went and shattered your heart, huh? Why’d she even accept all of those mix CDs and that poem you wrote for her and personally framed if she was just going to smash it to pieces? YOU WOULD HAVE NAMED YOUR DAUGHTER APPLE FOR HER! Don’t worry, man. Just put on a pot of Earl Grey, pop in any of Coldplay’s CDs and curl up in a fetal position. We recommend “Trouble,” “We Never Change” and “Shiver” from the album “Parachutes,” and “Warning Sign” and “The Scientist” from “A Rush of Blood to the Head.” For variety, turn to John Mayer’s “Come Back to Bed.”
Women can be cruel, but that’s nothing a falsetto voice on a rainy day can’t cure. Keep looking for your Gwyneth — she’s out there. But you should probably stop crying first. — SC
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