13 Reasons 'Ocean's Thirteen' Probably Won't Be Funny

By Sarah Carlson
June 7, 2007

Fake moustaches ... Prosthetic noses ... Faltering careers. You get the picture.

By Erin Steele

1. THE BIG FAKE SCHNOZ
Not only is this go-to gag no longer funny, in the case of Matt Damon’s Linus Caldwell, it’s downright scary (sort of Virginia Woolf meets Lemony Snicket’s Count Olaf. Not good.)

2. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE GUY WHO DIRECTED ‘TRAFFIC’?
Remember when Steven Soderbergh was one of the industry’s most accomplished directors? After wowing audiences — and Cannes judges — with “sex, lies and videotape” in 1989, he went on to create other acclaimed films, including “King of the Hill,” “Erin Brockovich” and “Traffic.” The fact that he’s settled for a third installment in a sometimes entertaining, if all-too-fluffy, trilogy is no laughing matter.

3. HIJACKING THE SELLECK®
Moustaches are awesome — and also funny — but only when they’re real. Case in point: Never has there been facial hair as entertaining as Tom Selleck’s. But it’s nothing to smile about when someone hijacks The Selleck, especially when it’s fake. Shame on you, Clooney.

4. HEY, GOOD LOOKING
Beautiful people just aren’t as funny. Look at the industry’s most famous comics: Robin Williams. Billy Crystal. Carrot Top. They’re all ugly. This just doesn’t bode well.

5. FRENCH FEAR
It’s hard to laugh at Vincent Cassel. You know why? Because if his other roles are any indication, he just might kill you for it. This French baddie has starred in “Irreversible” and “Derailed” — and he’s terrifying.

6. ‘DINER’ WAS A LONG TIME AGO
Ellen Barkin was very funny in “Diner.” “Diner” was released in 1982. Since then, she’s been more of a drama queen, with the exception of “Drop Dead Gorgeous,” which, let’s face it, just wasn’t funny.

7. PRAY FOR THE GODFATHER
Sure, Al Pacino hasn’t starred in quite as many stinkers as Robert De Niro, the actor he’s most commonly confused with. But this Oscar-winning thespian seems like he’s looking for nothing more than an easy pay day with “Ocean’s,” which means the biggest joke may be on Pacino fans.

8. ACCENT GRAVE
It was kind of funny to hear Don Cheadle’s terrible English accent as explosives expert Basher Tarr in “Ocean’s Eleven.” Since then, it’s just become annoying.

9. COSTUME PARTY
Like fake noses and bad accents, the neverending parade of ridiculous costumes has become the “Ocean” trilogy’s biggest crutch. Besides, the only thing funny about Brad Pitt’s costume in this photo is how much he looks like Jennifer Aniston.

10. THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN
No offense to Casey Affleck and Scott Caan, but there are no worse characters in all of the many “Ocean” movies than the argument-prone Virgil and Turk Malloy. It’s clear “Ocean’s Thirteen” intends to give these two screen time. Suddenly, I don’t feel like laughing.

11. BEHIND THE CAMERA IS BEST
A movie directed by Carl Reiner? Funny. A movie starring Carl Reiner? Less funny. The director has impeccable comic timing when he’s working with Steve Martin, who starred in some of Reiner’s best directorial efforts. But Steve Martin isn’t in this movie. So let’s ease up on the Reiner-centric scenes, shall we?

12. THINGS TO DO IN VEGAS WHEN YOUR COMIC TIMING IS DEAD
There is nothing funny about Andy Garcia’s character. And while he’s supposed to be a villain, he feels more at home in a Scorsese movie than the fluffy world of “Ocean’s Thirteen.”

13. Too many characters does not typically translate into too many laughs. Sure, there are some talented actors here — but it’s a big gamble to assume jokes won’t get lost among so many players.