An apology to a friend
There are times when I think I'm pretty smart. Then I do something incredibly stupid.
I recently did something profoundly and monumentally stupid that really hurt a friend, and now I've lost someone who I cared for very much -- someone very special, someone who deserved to be treated better.
This person never did anything to hurt me and trusted me. And I let her down.
I just can't believe how stupid I was -- or am. I mean, I've craved knowledge my whole life. I've read the great books, studied philosophy and the different religions of the world. I even minored in psychology in college, and I think I have a gift for helping people. Yet I still have a knack for getting things wrong when it comes to relationships -- be it friends or something more.
I think I can fix everything -- and I can't.
And when I try to clean up my messes, I just make them worse.
I'm an idiot -- and that's the smartest thing I've ever said.
I'm so sorry for what I did and the pain I caused. It was stupid, and I can't defend stupid. No one can. The fact that I can do something so idiotic, so stunningly dumb -- and hurt someone so wonderful and special -- cuts me to the very core of my soul.
I didn't think I was that stupid. Yet I was, and it'll haunt me for the rest of my life.
I'm not exaggerating either. Friends mean a lot to me. I don't always tell them or show it. But they do, and this friend was very special to me. Yet I hurt her very much -- and drove her away. I deserve it, too.
But this isn't about me. Sure, I hurt for what I've done -- and I deserve every ounce of pain. But it's about her and the pain I caused with my words -- pain she never deserved from such stupid words. Imagine that. I'm in the business of words, and I still can't get it right.
I just can't fathom my stupidity. All the nice things I said, all the nice things I did and meant -- all flushed away by my actions. What is wrong with me?
All I can do is say I'm sorry and leave this apology here -- a monument to my stupidity.
I must move on and hope I learn from my mistakes. And maybe somewhere down the road my friend will find it in her heart to forgive me. I can't say that I deserve it.
But the people still in my life deserve a better, smarter me --or I don't deserve them at all either.
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