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Big Media Fight
Normally, there are just two rules The Great One follows when going to Rocky 3rd-And-Long's weekly news conference and free feed.
1. Don't get between KKOB's Mike Roberts and the buffet line when they yell, "Come and get it."
2. Don't try to sit on 3rd-and-Long's lap, or Bob "Giggles" Clark will say, "Hey, that's my seat."
But The Linz, now sporting a black eye and a split lip, has a new rule:
3. Don't try to break up a fight between the Red Menace's LeeRoy "Know-it-All" Bandito and the Urinal's Greg "Typo" Archuleta.
Yes, it got ugly today at the media round table.
First, Typo got in a cheap shot when Bandito muscled his way into the buffet line and started filling up his pockets with food.
"You gonna eat that or just sell it on your web site," said Archuleta, fighting off a Mike Roberts' elbow. "I hear the Aggies are looking to buy some UNM recipes. And Utah always has wondered how Rocky Long gets his chicken so crispy."
Which prompted Bandito to grab an oversized zucchini and -- well, The Modest One can't tell you what Bandito did with it, but, needless to say, Typo was not a happy camper.
"Why you wig-wearing media wannabe!" Archuleta screamed in a suddenly higher-pitched voice, as he shoved Bandito's oversized head into the mashed potatoes.
Which really ticked off Bandito's Red Menace teammate -- Dom "Pass The Gravy" Zarella.
"Hey, I was about to eat those taters," said Zarella, as he scurried for the plate of food that Archuleta had dropped onto the floor.
By this time Bandito had eaten all the mashed potatoes, had pulled his oversized head out of the bowl and was bearing down on the quivering Archuleta.
"If you guys aren't nice to me, I'm going to pull my site off the internet like my wife wants me to," said Bandito. "But first I'm going to turn YOU into mashed potatoes, Typo."
That's when The Great One -- always the peacemaker -- stepped between the two -- and caught a Mike Roberts' left hook right on the jaw.
"Sorry, Linz, that was meant for Typo," said Roberts. "Nobody messes with the mashed potatoes before I've had seconds."
Of course, The Linz didn't get off with just a Roberts' hook. Suddenly, Bandito yelled, "Red Menace Sandwich" and Dom sprung into action.
Bandito charged Archuleta from one side.
Pass The Gravy roared in from the other side.
Archuleta fainted from fright.
And The Linz was left standing in the middle -- but only for a moment. Then The Linz disappeared like a Twinkie off Mike Roberts' plate -- or a hair off Doughnut Smith's head.
The Linz was literally absorbed between the two internet giants as they crashed together. When Bandito and Dom parted, The Linz slid to the floor like a wet noodle.
Of course, when The Linz came to, the first thing The Litigating One did was scream for a lawyer.
Which brought Rudy C scurrying over with his card.
"How much is this going to cost me?" asked The Linz.
"How much you got in your wallet?" said Rudy C.
By this time, cooler heads prevailed and 3rd-And-Long made all the media gather around so he could convince them that Saturday's opponent, Portland State, would likely being playing in the Rose Bowl this year, if not the Super Bowl.
Of course, Bandito had the first question."
"Rocky, I couldn't tell if that was chives or seasoned parsley in the mashed potatoes?" he asked, "Utah needs to know."
Posted by rstevens at 01:51 PM | Permalink
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Posted by: badger77 | August 28, 2006 04:05 PM
That was great, I'm sure you've honestly captured the moment. Much better than your picks.
Posted by: loborick | August 28, 2006 05:17 PM
Boy, are you lucky to still be alive! I'll bet you have nightmares for weeks!
Posted by: Ruben | August 28, 2006 08:24 PM
Hats off! That was some good comedy writing. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Posted by: justin | August 28, 2006 09:26 PM
stevens, you are a card.
well, you were probably flattened into the shape of one, after those internet guys sumo slammed you.
Posted by: Andrew Leo Lopez | August 29, 2006 07:58 AM
Jacob assumes two things both wrong. Neither the Linz nor Stevens can read. Hence research is out of the question unless an intern tapes some answers for them.
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Neither Linz nor Stevens care much of the facts which only get in the way of a good story.
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At the buffet lunch, the boys must have come to what passes for senses among this bunch...they ate instead of threw the food.
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The bottom line of the whole story is that no amount of bad blood ruins a good appetite!
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If one closes one's eyes, a punch from Roberts can only be as soft as a caress from a cheerleader
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Finally, may Brand X Boosters attend the next buffet or is it limited to media and A list boosters? For most of the A list, I will bet the A list is as close to an A as any have ever been.
Posted by: Jacob | August 29, 2006 04:02 PM
LOL!! Banned by Stevens!! He can dish but he cant bake!! er..."take." LOL.
I replied in his Trib satire that poked fun at the usual crowd, and lo, next day, its taken off..
Well then, can we all say...
HYPOCRITE??
Stevens playfully calls Archuletta "typo",
maybe the Linz can playfully be called "Hypo"as in "hypo... crite." He can dish but he cant bake!!
The deleted post references 2 ridiculous errors that Stevens commited in his copying of TRM..err in his new audio series on the LOBOS. These are the errors that show you, Stevens, take more stock in creative writing than you do in covering the LOBOS. Well, thats all well and good, but not if youre a sports reporter!
1) He falsely reported that unlv beat UNM last year (Iliana, thank goodness was on hand to correct her partner, 20 yrs her senior).
2) He added to his ignorant reputation of LOBO football by exclaiming that Utah has beaten UNM 3 of the past 4 years. UNM has not only beaten Utah 3 of the past 4 years, but 4 of the past 6 years as well (Iliana forgot as well and couldnt bail "krispy kreme" out. Stevens, you sounds like youre eating some krispy kremes and are half asleep; all at the same time!)
I pointed to your need for priorities, namely he should devote as much zeal to covering his sports column and actually doing what hes paid to do as a sports writer,RESEARCH.... instead of working on his creative writing about wet noodles, mashed potatoes, parsley, and tired buffet line stories involving local sports enthusiasts.
I have no problem with you Linz except that its not okay, in my opinion, to make fun of people who arent paid .01% of your salary and drag them through the mud again and again. I also think you should know your LOBOS backwards and forwards and while you dont have to be a homer- enthused fan, be a little more enthusiastic about the LOBOS. After all you live in Albuquerque, not in Forth Worth.
BTW, TCU wont walk in and do as they please. our New Mexico LOBOS will see to it.
Posted by: justin | August 29, 2006 09:30 PM
hay guys its the red menace howl. waaaaaaaah!
Posted by: Wilbur McDaniel | August 30, 2006 09:01 AM
The day the Great One stops writing his incredibly hilarious column is the day I stop reading the sports section.
Posted by: Ruben | August 30, 2006 09:32 AM
Agree Wilbur. Not sure why someone finds humor offensive. Laughing is good therapy.
Posted by: The Linz | August 30, 2006 11:45 AM
The Linz loves the way Bandito cowardly slinks into The Linz's domain and uses an alias to cover up his cowardly tracks. Of course, no one weighing as much as Bandito can cover up tracks that deep.
The Linz finds it sad that the Bandito/Jacob One latches onto a mis-speak by The Linz and tries to humiliate The Great One. The Linz needs no help in self-humiliation.
The Linz had not gone back to listen to the PodCast that Bandito so lovingly attacks. (Doing the Pod was pain enough; ain't no way The Linz is going to listen to it, too.)
But The Great One will take The Fat One's word that The Linz mis-spoke on Utah beating UNM 3 of 4. If The Great One remembers the context, he was talking about how The Utes would be upset having blown a game in Salt Lake against Utah, opps against UNM, and would be fired up to get revenge against the Lobos who had beaten them 3-or-4. The Linz probably did say Utah instead of UNM. There is a reason The Great One isn't a radio star -- much like Bandito who gets a show cancelled about every other year.
So sorry, Bandito. But look at all the perverse pleasure it gave you. The Linz also knew that UNM beat UNLV -- And how, you ask?
Because all the stats and scores of the games were right there in front of The Linz during the pod Cast. The Great One might not be able to speak very well.
But he can read.
Now, go back to your makeup and wigs, Bandito. There is a big game on the way and The Great One wants you to look your best.
PS -- Sorry your site was humiliated by Typo Archuleta. You guys made a mistake. His story was solid. Get over it. Get over yourself, too.
Kisses -- The Linz
Posted by: Ruben | August 30, 2006 12:38 PM
At 2:52 of the 2nd round, referee Mills Lame stops the bout on cuts. Bandito was ahead on points on two of the judges card's at the time of the stoppage as points were awarded to him when the Linz hit below the belt with his comments about radio show cancellations. Judge Typo Crapchuleta had The Linz ahead 10-8 despite the infraction. Weiner and still champion, The Linz!!
Note: Promoter Lenny Freshcash is working feverishly to line up the Linz for a shot at Holly Holmes' North American Middle Age, errrr, Middleweight title.
Posted by: The Linz | August 30, 2006 01:06 PM
The Linz demands a rematch. The only reason The Great One hit Bandito below the belt was because The Great One couldn't see Bandito's belt -- or his waistline.
Rumor has it Bandito has trouble seeing something, too.
And, yes, The Linz admits it. He's a weiner. He works hard at being a weiner.
The Great One also is all in favor of the fight with Holly Holm. The Linz has been dying to go a few rounds with Hottie Holly.
The Linz also has a few suggestions for other media fights on the card:
Bandito vs. Typo Crapuleta -- winner gets video rights to 2007 Lobo fall practice.
Van Tate vs. KOB's The Insider; loser has to stop getting all his insider information out of the newspapers.
Doughnut Smith vs. Slick Stevens; winner gets year prescription of RudeDog Davalos's Hair Renewal.
J.P. Murietta vs. Bob Brown. (Pretty Boy title).
Henry Tafoya vs. Giggles Clark; loser has to leave the air.LINZ DISCLAIMER: The Linz typed this post very quickly. If there are any typpos, er typos, The Great One apologiszes, er apologizes, to Bandito and Jacob.
Posted by: Andrew Leo Lopez | August 30, 2006 03:35 PM
Rude Dog goes into emeritus and out goes adult supervision of the UNM Athletic Department and media coverage. I would give anything for one good "you do not know what the hell you are talking about" right about now!
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A similar thing happened when Tito of Yugoslavia died. All his children broke out into a huge fight and someone knocked down one of our B-1 bombers with a sling shot. Media lunches are just too close to flight paths and should be moved to a safer location...for the safety or air passengers and planes.
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It is unfair to drag Toys Archew Let Us into a tag team lucha libre between the Phat Bandit, both of him, and Team Splitz of Linz and Stevens both of them.
Contractual obligations prevent Toys Archew Let Us of the Urinal [it is a proper noun] from hitting back in this blog below the belt or otherwise. Besides, Chew Let Us can only reach high enough to hit below the belt.
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In all of this, McKay gets left alone. Why does he get a breather?
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I remind that a newspaper can have a blog, but a blog cannot have newspaper.
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The duet among Limón, Linz, and Stevens was not a hit. An abreviated version will appear in the Christmas stockings of bad kids. Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers are safe.
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Does the no re-entry policy apply to A list boosters and media or do they get a half-time snort while the rest of us get delerium tremens?
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I think half-time privileges are worth fighting about! Why else would anyone show up for the game in a camper RV loaded with enough provisions for the Chisholm Trail?
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The game against Portland State will be the first where tail gate attendance exceeds that at the game. Next thing you know is that all tailgaters are required to attend the game!
Posted by: The Linz | August 30, 2006 04:21 PM
To Andrew "Little Leo" Lopez: The Linz appreciates your post.
Now, The Linz just has to send your post off to the CIA to have it deciphered into some language The Great One understands.
The Linz also has this advice for Andrew: Save whatever you are drinking for the big tailgate party on Saturday.
The Linz will be tailgating with the A-List boosters. The Great One will look down upon Little Leo and toss him a wave.
Posted by: Ruben | August 30, 2006 04:33 PM
Andrew, as usual, you've come up with some great pearls of wisdom. The tailgating stuff was especially good. AD Krebs is assuming that Albuquerque fans will react the way Ohio fans would, i.e., if we disallow halftime re-entry, we will eliminate the halftime exodus and the accompanying disruption. Wrong!! You will simply eliminate re-entry Paul. Fans will still leave at halftime and will listen to the game on the radio. You'll quickly change your paradigms about fan behavior Paul. Welcome to Albuquerque. Next logical counter-move will be to not allow departures at halftime - this will prevent re-entry and will also guarantee full attendance in the 2nd half. Brilliant!
Disclaimer: This message is not intended to deride or otherwise defame the UNM administration nor the UNM AD. Intent was to poke fun at the unique behavioral characteristics of Albuquerque fans, a group I'm proud to belong to(apologies for ending with a preposition.
Posted by: Andrew Leo Lopez | August 30, 2006 06:45 PM
To attend the game, the tailgaters only need for someone to turn the scoreboard around!
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If someone turns the scoreboard around, re-entry policy fades as an issue and Krebs gets what he really wants. Krebs wants to save money on ticket takers and gate attendants.
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With the savings, he plans more public relations training for the coaches and players.
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McKay and his transfers busted the public relations budget. Krebs should install a no re-entry policy for McKay's transfers. How many times do some of them quit and come back? I buy a program to find out who is still around!
Instead of stiffing paying customers of football games, I suggest a user fee for public relations training paid for by an increase in student fees. All students should have a shot at public relations training aka dissembling 101.
A few bad boys versus peer pressure from 26,000 mad students fixes the problem.
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People are missing something very sinister afoot. Krebs installs a no re-entry policy and invites 22 leaders of Native American Tribes to attend Native American Day.
I think he is planning to hold them for ransom paid by casinos!
For the Native Americans leaders, no entry would be very wise. They should hide out among the tailgaters and see what happens to both Natives who purchased $14.00 tickets for only $7.00. Wow! Was Krebs around when beads changed hands for Manhattan?
Somebody please tell Krebs that most Indians live a lot more than about two gallons of gas away from the stadium.
Posted by: justin | August 30, 2006 07:20 PM
i'm lollin at the no re-entry policy for transfers, andrew lopez. that's hilarious.
Posted by: Ruben | August 30, 2006 07:59 PM
Andrew, you're warped sense of humor is too much. Keep 'em coming. I'll even try to decipher your posts for the Linz who has trouble reading vanilla prose, much more your Rocky Road variety writing style. BTW, I don't think it's alcohol that's causing you to slur your thoughts. Hallucinogenics are the more likely culprit.
Posted by: The Linz | August 30, 2006 08:43 PM
Hallucinogenics? The Linz never thought of that. That explains all those mushroom burgers that Andrew likes to wolf down. The Linz always wondered why Andrew brought his own mushrooms. The Linz wants to tailgate with Andrew!And you are right about something else, too, Ruben -- Andrew's sense of humor is so warped it make The Linz look straight.
LINZ DISCLAIMER: The Great One apologizes in advance to Ruben for any typpos, er typos, or screww-ups, er screw-ups in this post. The Linz is in a hurry to get over to Stone Face Tavern for a fund-raiser for underpriveleged Lobo fan-site directors. The Linz hears one of the site directors needs a new camcorder. His old one was stomped on by Rocky 3rd-And-Long.
Posted by: Jacob | August 30, 2006 09:50 PM
Linz
A) you shouldnt ASSume it makes an ass out of you and me.
B) You are more closely related to George Michael than I am to bandito
C) You owe Bandito an apology. He has been above your games of trying to draw him in. To accuse is human, to not say sorry when youre wrong is an idiot.Which are you? Human or idiot. Yes I know the answer is both. But you get my drift.
bandito has the balls to speak for himself unlike someone Linz/Stevens/the ASSuming one.
Posted by: loborick | August 30, 2006 10:05 PM
A L Lopez...your attempts at humor are boring. Take them to The Red Menace where they laugh at anything. They have to be able to when you have Bandito and Dom as the moderators.
So what is your incarnation now...a lawyer, a CPA, a stand up comedian? I know a lot more about you.
Posted by: Andrew Leo Lopez | August 31, 2006 08:00 AM
The Red Menarche is a very exclusive club of cross dressers who would never admit me among their number. Consequently, I seldomly post on that site.
-------------------------------------------------- Under certain conditions, peyote mushrooms are legal in New Mexico. Could we call the next tailgate on Native American Day a tent revival and grille some mushrooms?
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After a long career, I frankly do not care what anyone knows about me. What matters is that I know about me and no part wants to leave for a better neighborhood.
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If Krebs, of the Midwest, ever saw my tail gate vehicle he would hallucinate. My conversion van has big mushroom scenes painted on both sides! Like all real men, I drive a Dodge.
-------------------------------------------------- On Saturday, the Vikings are going to show what a football free zone is all about. For $200,000 Rocky bought a stiff. Fans are not as gullible.
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After attendance on Saturday, Krebs should sell space to tailgaters and give the game away for free!
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Both Native Americans who bought $14.00 tickets for only $7.00 promise a pre game victory dance on the fifty yard line. They want to give back to Krebs for his generous gesture to the Natives.
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Like many reservations, seats sold for $14 at University Stadium are not prime real estate. Maybe the Indians will again get lucky and strike oil under their lousy seats!
Posted by: The Linz | August 31, 2006 04:52 PM
LOBORICK -- Lay off Andrew. The Linz, when he can understand Andrew, thinks the guy is almost as funny as The Linz. Sure, Little Leo travels to the beat of a different drum -- and probably lives on Mars -- but The Linz gives credit to anyone willing to stand up and beat that drum.
Signed: The Great One.
Posted by: loborick | August 31, 2006 05:43 PM
That drum he's marching to is more like a bongo! He gets an "E" for effort...
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Posted by: The Big Bad Wolf | August 28, 2006 03:09 PM