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Thanks, Louie; I'm choking to death.
May 31, 2006"Where are you preaching?"
"Who died?"
"Man, you clean up pretty good."
Those are just some of things I hear when I wear a coat and tie.
Most of you have never seen me in a coat and tie.
That's because it happens about as often as Haley's Comet comes to town.
For me, dressing up is Dockers, a sports shirt, clean underwear and socks without holes that can be seen.
I hate ties.
They choke the holy crap out of me.
They're also expensive and hard to tie.
But I am wearing one today because I have been asked to be a pallbearer at a friend's funeral.
I can't remember ever seeing Sam Milam wearing a tie. But I will wear one in his honor today.
When the funeral is over, though, this baby is coming off quick.Real quick.
So who came up with the perverted idea of wearing neckties?
Surely, it was some king looking for a way to cover up big pimples on his neck.
The first known existence of neckwear was in China in 221 BC.
(Remember these are the same people who invented Egg Foo Yong.)
Back in 1970, the Chinese -- for some strange reason -- decided to dig up the Terracotta Army of the First Emperor of China. What they found were many of the 7,000 dead soldiers had ties wrapped around their necks.
The darn ties probably choked them all to death.
We know of many groups of soldiers from various countries who wore ties as a part of their uniform.
But the guy we can blame for neckties as a fashion statement is King Louis XIV of France.
It's a good thing the Nehru Jacket wasn't around back then, or Big Lou would have decked himself out in a red Nehru with a purple polka dotted cravat wrapped around his French neck.
Big Lou had his own "cravatier" who laid out numerous cravats each day for the king to choose from.
Hey, if King Louie likes it, then it has to be hot. That's what King Charles II of England said when he copycatted Big Lou and started wearing his own cravats. Pretty soon every ruler had to have his own cravatiers and a whole bunch of cravats in his royal closet.
To be somebody, you just had to wear a string around you neck and tie it like the Duke of Windsor.
Check out every painting done of Napoleon, George Washington, Benjamin Franklin and Mozart.
They are all wearing ties.
I'm choking to death right now.
So who can I blame?
The damn French.
Posted by at 7:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Yaaaay, Julie! Boo, Rider!
May 30, 2006Julie Callahan made a stand.
I applaud her for it.
While the rest of Rider High School's senior class of 2006, walked across the stage to receive their diplomas Saturday night, Julie -- wearing her cap and gown --sat in the audience with her parents.
She made a choice on Thursday, going to watch Rider's playoff baseball games in Snyder ratherr than attending the mandatory graduation rehearsal.
She knew the price that she would have to pay -- and she paid it.
I don't necessarily agree with the decision this young girl made, but I admire her for standing up for what she believed in.
But where were Rider's senior baseball players Saturday night?
They were walking across the stage, getting their diplomas.
They all got an excused absence from the "mandatory" rehearsal because they play baseball.
Our newspaper ran an photo of Julie sitting in the crowd Saturday night.
Most people looked at it and thought --
"She's did it just to get attention."
"She's a nut."
Or -- like I did -- "Way to go, girl. But where are those boys?"
Just think of the the impact that photo would have had if the entire Rider baseball team had sat with her.
It probably would have made national news.
I have been told the senior baseball players were going to sit with Julie and show their support but were threatened by school officials that they would not be allowed to play baseball for Rider any more if they chose to do so.
Bull. That never would have happened. Nobody has those kind of kahunas.
Unlike Julie, the players backed down and refused to stand up for something they believed in.
So on Saturday night, she stood in the stands and cheered for them once again.
Isn't it about time somebody stood up for Julie and cheered for her?
Posted by at 8:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)
Remember the heroes!
May 28, 2006'If you are able, save them a place inside of you,
and save one backward glance when you are leaving for the places they can no longer go.
Be not ashamed to say you loved them,
though you may or may not always have.
Take what they have taught you with their dying
and keep it with your own.
And in that time when men decide and feel safe to call the war insane,
take one moment to embrace those gentle heroes you left behind."
Those are the words of Major Michael Davis O'Connell -- written on New Year's Day of 1970 in Dak To, Vietnam.
Eight years later he was killed in action.
Memorial Day is the day we Americans now recognize as the start of summer.
Some will spend it at the lake. Some will go to a ball game. Backyard barbecues will be a common activity.
For much of my life Memorial Day meant the Indianapolis 500.Wherever I was, I took a radio with me to listen to the big race.
But this is a day we should remember our heroes -- the men and women who died serving our country so that we could go to the lake or to the game or grill burgers in the backyard.
Every generation has its war.
Vietnam belonged to my generation.
There are 58,195 names on the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall in Washington, D.C.
I knew two of them -- Johnny Brumley and Chuck Berry.
Johnny and I were both Reagan "Rats" at old Reagan Junior High School. We hung around the horseshoe pit every day, just seeing what kind of trouble we could get into. We always seemed to find what we were looking for.
Johnny was only 21 when he was killed in combat in Tay Ninh, South Vietnam on Feb. 26, 1967.
I didn't know Chuck all that well, but his mom was the sweet librarian at the Boys Club for many years.
Chuck died of a heart attack on Feb. 6, 1970 while serving in Binh Dinh, South Vietnam.
Thirty three of the heroes on the Wall called Wichita Falls home.
On this day, I want us to remember all 33.
Raymond Alaniz
Vernon Ray Anderson
James Michale Aston.
John Daniel Barrett
Charles Ray Berry
Johnny Edward Brumley.
David Arnold Connel
George Grady Cooper
Robert Michael Crosby
Robert Anthony Denton
Teddy Rex Dunn
Johnny Warren Emmons Jr.
Chester Lewis Gable
Charles Price Geisert
Samuel David Gibbs
Thomas Sanford Goen
Robby David Hanvey
Zan Hess
James Gary Hinch
Billy Eugene Hughes II
Michael Wayne Marker
Larry T. MIller
Ronald Alan Miller
Billy Wayne Morton
John Wayne Mower
Thurman Wayne Owen
Robert Rodriguez
Donald Ray Rose
Emmett Rucker Jr.
James Dallas Shelton
Charles Shiver Jr.
Clyde Wayne Stephens
Ernest Kenneth Tyler
All were true hometown heroes.
Posted by at 10:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
10-under -par not bad for a 20-handicapper
May 26, 2006I'm headed to the golf course this afternoon -- the second time this week that I am playing a benefit "scramble."
When I get home tonight and the wife asks "How did you play?" I will answer somewhere between 7 and 10 under par.
But there is no way I can shoot anything close to 7 to 10 under par.
My best round of golf was an 8-over-par 79 at River Creek three years ago. Since then, I haven't come close to breaking 80 -- except when we have a "scramble."
Golf scrambles are good for the male ego.
We bogey golfers can actually make birdies -- lots of them.
And we might do it without ever using one of our own shots.
A four-person scramble is where you get three mulligans on every shot.
And if you buy extrra mulligans before the round, you can get even more.
The winning score in the MSU tournament Monday at the country club was 15-under. That's a 56 -- sounds great, but really rather modest for these kinds of events.
Today, in the Boys and Girls Alumni tournament at Weeks Park, the winning score will be 18 under or better.
Like I said, scrambles were made for guys like me who love the game but really can't play a lick.
It's the same reason that somebody came up with "slow pitch" softball. Since most people can't hit fast-pitch, they slow it down where even your grandmother can smack a single up the middle.
Then in bowling, they came up with 9-pin no top.
If you knock nine pins down on your first ball, you count it as a strike.
That way my wife can go bowl in her Wednesday morning league in the summer and when I ask "How did you bowl?" she can say "Oh, 220, 215 and 235."
Not bad for a 140-average, I will think but not say out loud.
Then she will ask: "And how was your golf?"
"Oh, we only shot 10 under," I will answer.
Not bad for a 18-handicap, she wil think but not say out loud.
What can I say? It's all just good honest cheating.
Posted by at 11:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Mavs can't run with the Suns
May 25, 2006When I woke up Wednesday morning, I thougt the Dallas Mavericks were headed for the NBA Finals.
The biggest hurdle had already been cleared.
The defending champion Spurs had been conquered.
Phoenix, without Amare Stoudemire, wouldn't be much of a problem.
But when I went to bed morning, my attitude had done a 360.
The Mavs are in trouble.
The Suns may not have Stoudemire, but they still have Steve Nash on their side and this Boris Diaw guy is one amazing dude.
The Mavs have a matchup problem -- and it worsens when Josh Howard gets hurt and can't play like he did in Game 1 Wednesday night.
The Suns dictate the tempo --- fast, faster and fastest.
The Spurs were like driving in rush hour on Dallas' Central Freeway.
The Suns are like zooming down the backstretch at the Indianapolis 500.
Dallas likes to run, just not this fast.
First one to 120 will win most of the games in this series.
Game 2 in Dallas on Friday night. The Mavs can't afford to lose this one and be down 0-2 heading to Arizona.
But if Nash and Diaw play like they did in Game 1, the Mavs are in big trouble.
Posted by at 12:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
It's a graduation ceremony -- not Hamlet!
May 24, 2006"You will sit here between Garfield and Goosbly. When you see me raise my hand, your row will stand up and go toward the stage. When your name is called, you will receive your diploma. You then leave the stage and go back to your seat."
That was my graduation practice. It took about 15 minutes, but I still remember it 42 years later.
David Garfield on my left, Dale Goolsby on my right.
But it's not like we were performing Hamlet,
If you have made it through 12 years of school, you should be prepared to learn the graduation ceremony in -- oh, about 10 minutes.
The smartest people sit on the stage with the superintendent, the principal and some important person who will speak about how important it is to have an education and be smart enough to learn the graduation ceremony in 10 minutes.
So, what is all this fuss about over at Rider?
Have graduation ceremonies have gotten a whole lot more complicated since I got out of high school? Can't you just get the seniors together a few minutes before school on Thursday morning and tell them to "sit between Garfield and Goolsby?"
Nat Lunn is a friend of mine. He's a good guy. He's not the smartest principal I ever met, but he is a fair guy who would never do anything to hurt a kid.
So if the Rider principal says it is important to have graduation practice after school on Thursday, then I believe it is important ot have graduation practice after school on Thursday.
But if it is all that important, why is it that the baseball players don't have to go?
I don't feel sorry for the kids who are crying because they are going to have to miss a couple of baseball games.
Sorry, but that is not the end of the world.
If Rider wins, there will be more baseball games -- more important games -- the next weekend. And if they win those, there will be a state tournament in Austin the following week.
If a kid misses his or her high school graduation ceremony just to go to some baseball game -- well, pardon me, but that is just plain stupid.
To me, there is any easy answer. Put each kid's name on his seat at the coliseum. Since, graduations are done alphabetically, any kid worthy of getting a diploma should be able to find his seat in a few seconds. But have a short before-school meeting on Thursday to pass out an alpahabetical list so a graduate will know that he is sitting "between Garfield and Goosbly.:
Tell the kids that when their row is signaled, they will get up and line up at the stage. When their name is called, they go get their diploma. Then leave the stage and return to their seat.
It will take 10 to 15 minutes. Then it's "take me out to the ball game."
Posted by at 7:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
More than a bad hair day for sweet Audrey
May 23, 2006A year ago Audrey watched her father kidnapped by terrorists and then saw her boyfriend kill her husband. Later in the day, her boyfriend was killed.
I would call that more than just some "bad hair day" for sweet Audrey.
But it wasn't the worse day of her life.
This year Audrey's bad day started when she found out that her boyfriend wasn't dead, but he had a new girl.
Then she got her boyfriend back, but her best friends thought she was a mole and a traitor and she was about to have her toenails plucked out when her boyfriend stepped in and saved her pretty fanny.
Then dear old dad commits suicide and drives his car into the river.
A few minutes later, the real bad guy cut a major artery and Audrey was bleeding to death until here Mighty Mouse boyfriend saves her sweet tush again.
While getting medical attention, she finds out that Daddy is not dead. He's the secretary of defense but he's also so stupid, he can't even kill himself.
Finally, the day ends with Daddy alive, boyfriend alive, the bad guys dead or in jail and the Mavericks leading the Spurs by 14 at halftime.
Boyfriend grabs Audrey and slips her some tongue.
Neither have showered since last November, but who cares?
It was a hot kiss and you know what's fixing to happen next.
It has been a year since they had sex.
And it has been a long day.
But then boyfriend gets a call from his dumb daughter -- or so he thinks.
When he gets to the phone, a bunch of Kung Fu types start kicking his butt and our hero Jack Bauer ends up in some Chinese torture chamber begging to be killed.
Audrey will have the bed all to herself tonight. And so will the First Lady, who did have sex with the President before he went to jail.
Former President David Palmer is dead.
President Logan is in jail because he conspired in the assassination and then helped terrorists kill a lot of other people.
Tony is dead and so is Michelle.
Edgar is dead, too.
And thanks to Jack , just about all the bad guys are dead.
But now Jack wishes he were dead
Stay tuned for the sixth season of "24."
Oh yeah, the Spurs are also dead.
Mavs win 119-111 in overtime.
Posted by at 8:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
God, this is getting old!
May 21, 2006Surveys have shown that readers want more religion in their newspaper.
That may come as a shock to you. I know it did to me.
If you have been reading our paper the past few months, you might have noticed that we are trying to give people what they ask for. You are getting more daily religion for your 50 cents.
There's nothing wrong with that.
If there had been newspapers back in Jesus' day, I'm sure he would have made the front page several times a week.
But what I would like to see less of in the paper is the stupid arguing in the letters to the editor section.
We need to quit printing these "I'm going to heaven and you're going to hell" vs. "to hell with you" arguments.
But now that the "Da Vinci Code" is on the big screen, I think this is going to get worse before it gets better.
To my fellow Christians -- souls are not going to won in our letters to the edtior sectiion.
Truth is most of you are making us Christians look really stupid by some of the letters you write.
And all you are really doing is stirring up the Anti-Christs.
So cool it.
Christianity is a faith deal.
Christians can not prove that Jesus Christ was "the truth and the light" that he said he was.
But at the same time, the Anti-Christs certainly can't prove that he wasn't.
And all the arguing back in forth in the newspaper does nothing but make all of you look really stupid.
Oh, and while I'm thinking about it, let's also stop those other ridiculous arguments like:
Creation vs. evolution.
and
Pro life vs. Pro choice.
It's getting really old.
Nick G
Posted by at 10:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Two-pack for sure is off limits
May 19, 2006Mike Tyson’s best punch was often the low blow.
The opening bell would ring and Iron Mike would charge across the ring and pound a guy right in his two-pack.
The referee would give Tyson a warning.
But the other guy was forced to fight with his testicles stuck in his throat.
Remember, though, this was boxing, a sport where the main goal is to knock someone unconscious.
Basketball is not so brutal.
But the rules are the same – you just don’t hit a guy in his two-pack.
So I have no sympathy for the Mavericks’ Jason Terry.
He got caught on tape punching the Spurs’ Michael Finley in his two-pack.
Some people say that Finley’s pack is empty, but nevertheless, it’s a rule of mandom – you just don’t hit a guy there.
It must have been a weak punch because Finley didn’t go down or bend over gasping for air. Any guy who has ever been on the wrong end of a low blow will never forget the pain. I’m sitting her hurting just writing about it.
Mark Cuban probably doesn’t know what it feels like.
If he did, the Mavericks’ owner wouldn’t be defending Terry the way he did Thursday night when the NBA suspended the team’s second best player for tonight’s Game 6 against the Spurs.
The incident gave Cuban another chance to rag on the NBA.
And it will cost him a few hundred thousand bucks. But a few hundred thousand is like a few quarters to people like you and me. If the league really wants to shut Cuban up, it would suspend him for a game – just like it did to Terry.
Shut up, Mark.
There’s no defense for what Jason Terry did.
You just don’t hit a guy in his two-pack.
Nick G
Posted by at 10:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
She loves you -- nah, nah, nah
May 18, 2006So what would you guess is Heather Mills McCartney’s favorite Beatles song?
Lucy in the Sky? (Nah).
Let it Be? (Nope).
Yesterday? (Not today.)
Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band? (Not for me, but Paul might dig it.)
No, there’s only one old Beatles’ song at the top of Heather’s chart today.
And it goes like this. . .
The best things in life are free,
But you can tell me ‘bout the birds and bees.
Now gimme money (that’s what I want)
The four-year marriage between Paul McCartney and Heather is coming to an end.
And Heather’s severance pay is staggering.
It has been reported that the divorce settlement will pay her $1.9 million per week for every week she and Paul were married.
That’s approximately 200 weeks or $380 million.
Money don't get everything it's true.
What it don't get I can't use.
So gimme money (that's what I want)
A little money (that's what I want)
Paul’s kids had begged him to get a prenuptial agreement, but the former Beatle refused, saying it was “unromantic.�
Your lovin' give me a thrill
But your lovin' don't pay my bill.
Now gimme money (that's what I want)
The year Heather was born (1968), the Beatles were recording The White Album.
He is now 63. His blonde model bride is 38.
Was robbing that cradle really worth it?
When you’re worth $1.5 billion like Paul is, it just might have been.
Nick G
Posted by at 11:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Do as the Romans do.
May 17, 2006For most of my life I have been in favor of the death penalty.
An eye for an eye.
A tooth for a tooth.
Fry 'em.
Gas 'em.
Stick a needle in 'em.
Stick a form in 'em -- they're done!
Just kill 'em and rid our planet of all these scum bags.
But when I read a story like the one on Page 2A of our newspaper today, my opinion sways the other way.
Our courts screw up way too much for any of us to know for sure that the guilty are really guilty.
Some of those guys in prison claiming they are innocent are telling the truth.
Our court system has claimed a 99.97 percent accuracy rate.
In the past 17 years, DNA evidence has cast doubt on such a claim.
But even if it is 99 percent, that ain't good enough.
Douglas Warney has been released from a New York prison after spending 10 years there for a murder he didn't commit. When he spoke of his new freedom, the 44-year man was 'bent over in a wheelchair with advanced AIDs."
So what does he get for this injustice?
An apology?
Compensation?
A bill for 10 years worth or room and board?
You just can't repay a man -- especially a dying man like Warney -- for robbing him of 10 years of his life.
So how can we prevent imprisoning or maybe even executing innocent people?
The Romans -- back in their heyday -- had a pretty good idea.
Back then when a prisoner escaped, the guard who was overseeing him had to serve out the rest of his sentence.
What if we passed a law where anytime a innocent man is freed from prison, the prosecutor who put them there would finish his sentence?
My buddy Barry Macha isn't going to like it, but it worked for Rome.
Nick G
Posted by at 8:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
My God, Martha!
May 16, 2006As far as First Ladies go, Martha Logan is a babe.
But remember, we're lot comparing her to Eva Longoria here.
We're stacking her up against other First Ladies.
And Eleanaor Roosevelt ain't Eva Longoria.
During my boyhood, First Ladies were like schoolteachers.
None of my teachers were tall sexy, big-bosomed blondes.
They were all short squatty gray-haired women. They all wore their hair in buns. And they had names like Edna and Agnes and Myrtle.
There was a reason these women were old maids.
I remember one year a young, decent-looking young teacher showed up in my classroom. She sat on the desk and crossed her legs a couple of times. That gave education a whole new meaning in Nicky Gholson's young life.
Stay after school? Heck, yeah.
First Ladies were just like schoolteachers. Old and ugly.
Think about it. From 1933 to 1961, our First Ladies were Eleanor Roosevelt, Bess Truman and Mamie Eisenhower.
Then along came Jackie Kennedy -- the hottest First Lady of my lifetime and maybe of all-time.
And now we get Martha Logan -- the First Lady of "24."
She stays loaded on pills and leads you to think that when the President isn't looking -- she may be secrety servicing the Secret Service
She shot and killed one of the bad agents Monday night to save a good one.
Way to go, Martha.
So today in honor of Martha Logan, I want to rate the "Babe quality" on a of every First Lady since Eleanor Roosevelt.
1. Jackie Kennedy (9). She was classy more than sexy, leaving a lot to our imagination.
2. Laura Bush (7). Dubya got the best end of the deal.
3. Rosalyn Carter (6.5). Southern Belles are sweet..
4. Nancy Reagan (6.5) Not a bad-looking 50-something when she moved into the White House.
5. Hillary Clinton (4.5). Bill could have done better. And he did on the side.
6. Pat Nixon (3.5) Pat could have done better.
7. Betty Ford (3) She had a lot in common with Martha Logan; just not looks
8. Barbara Bush, Lady Bird Johnson, Mamie Eisenhower, Bess Truman (-10)
Last and least: Eleanor Roosevelt (-137). That's butt ugly.
And how about Martha? I give this tall, blonde 54-year-old a solid 8:
Check out more photos of actress Jean Smart at
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005443/photogallery-granitz-0
Nick G
Posted by at 8:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
"When we've been there 10,000 years."
May 15, 2006"What is the greatest song?'
My daughter asked me this question last summer. (We were sipping cold ones out on the patio one evening and had probably run out of things to talk about.)
My quick two-word answer was:
"Amazing Grace."
I mean who can argue with Amazing Grace?
It has been sung now for 227 years and has never lost its power nor its tenderness.
Amazing Grace pretty much sums the Christian faith in just a few words.
It is a masterpiece.
Now if my daughter had asked "What is the greatest rock song? my answer would have been "Stairway to Heaven."
Robert Plant and Jimmy Page outdid themselves with this great song.
It was not only Led Zeppelin's best ever, it was, in my opinion, THE best ever.
A close second was another "Heaven" song -- Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven."
Clapton wrote this following the death of his 4 1/2-year-old son Conor's death. The child fell from the window of a 53-story apartment building in New York back on March 20, 1991.
You can feel a father's pain in this song.
Another Clapton favorite of my is "Wonderful Tonight." My daughter picked this one for her wedding.
David Allen Coe said that ther perfect country and western song has to include something about mama, prison, trains, trucks and getting drunk.
So, he put all that in "You don't have to call me darling, darling."
But it's not my all-time favorite C&W song.
Hank Williams wrote a bunch of great ones. So did Willie and Johnny Cash and Kris Kristoferson.
May favorite, though, was by Hank Jr. -- "Family Tradition."
As long as Bar L keeps it on the juke box, I will keep playing it.
It goes real good with a red draw or three.
And that is an old Family Tradition of mine.
So, what's your answer to the question:
What is the greatest song?
Nick G
Posted by at 8:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Hug your Mama, I wish i could hug mine
May 12, 2006This is a re-run of my Mother' Day blog from a year ago.
----
I always get kind of sentimental at this time of year.
That’s because I have always been a Mama’s boy.
And, boy, do I miss my Mama.
She has been gone for almost 43 years.
I was only 16 – a month before the start of my senior year in high school – when Mama was killed.
She was only 35.
Mama wasn’t the June Cleaver type mother.
She was young and liked to party.
She drank cold beer and sometimes gin and tonic.
She loved to go dancing on Saturday night.
She wore short shorts back when the churches told us that all women who wore short shorts were headed straight to hell.
Mama always had a job, something most women didn’t do back in those days.
She was the best damn waitress in Wichita Falls. Don’t believe me, go out to Pioneer on Southwest Parkway and ask Mary Peeler what kind of waitress her old friend Freddie used to be.
Mary and Mama worked together at the old Marchman Hotel coffee shop. They were also really good friends.
Mama also liked sports, especially baseball and football.
She also introduced me to my first love – Marilyn Monroe.
I was a really young kid when she took me to see the movie “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.�
I fell in love with Marilyn that night.
Marilyn died young.
Mama and I cried.
A year later Mama died.
I cried alone.
I’m not for sure, but Mama had probably been drinking the night she died. I told you she liked to party, and one of her friends had a wedding shower out at Lake Kickapoo. Doubt if those girls were drinking Kool Aid.
Driving home late that night on Highway 79, two cars crashed head on.
The driver of the 1961 Chevy Impala – my Mama -- died instantly. I was told the sudden impact slammed her head into the windshield and broke her neck.
I never got to say goodbye.
Mama never got to see her two grandchildren or her great grandson.
I believe there’s a Heaven and one day we will see each other again. And Tommy, Christy and Nicholas will see the grandma they never knew.
But on this Sunday, once again, I will have to wear a white rose again on Mother’s Day.
Then sometime that afternoon, I will drive to Hope Cemetery in Henrietta and stand by the small marble tombstone and stare at the words I have stared at so many times before.
Freda Gresham
Born: Sept. 5, 1927
Died: Aug. 2, 1963
Give your mama a big hug on Sunday.
I sure wish I could hug mine.
Nick G
Posted by at 9:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Great Indoorsman needs a sleeping bag
May 11, 2006My wife and I went to Cabela’s in Fort Worth a few weeks back in search of some camping gear.
We bought some cooking stuff, a tent and a sleeping bag.
Notice, I said “a� sleeping bag.
That's because I don't camp.
I haven't done any real camping since I was a Boy Scout more than 45 years ago.
I was a pretty good Scout back then. Earned my camping merit badge and my cooking merit badge. To get the cooking badge, I had to prepare a meal from scratch on a campfire for the whole troops. Shish kabobs, baked potatoes and biscuits.
But when I became a grown up, I quit camping and have never missed it.
I pride myself in being a lover of The Great Indoors.
We Great Indoorsmen enjoy Lazy Boy recliners, big screen TVs, air conditioning, stocked refrigerators, soft beds, hot showers, our own bathroom.
We hate mosquitoes, ants and anything else that crawls on the ground.
Because of that, I don’t want to sleep on the ground.
If I want to cook out, I can do that at home on the patio grill.
But my wife loves camping and outdoor stuff.
That’s why we bought “a� sleeping bag.
I told her she could camp out all she wants. I would be sitting in my recliner watching the ball game when she got home.
But on Wednesday night – while sipping on a cold one or three at Buffalo Wild Wings – I promised my wife I would go camping with her.
No, it wasn’t the alcohol.
I’m just trying to be a good husband – something I have never succeeded at in any of my four marriages.
Yep, four marriages, if you count them all. (I still say I should get a mulligan on the first one).
Self-centered guys, like myself, have a hard time with marriage.
My wife said all I need is a maid and a cook.
I want to prove her wrong.
I want a wife, a life-long companion, a lover – but most importantly, a best friend.
If that means having mosquitoes bite every inch of my body, I will do it.
If that means sleeping with creepy crawlies, I will do it.
Guess I better go buy another sleeping bag.
No, I’m going to buy two more.
That grandson needs to camp out, too.
Nick G
Posted by at 11:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
These goofballs give Baptists a bad name.
May 10, 2006Curiosity took me to their Web site
"Warning. Gospel Preaching Ahead" -- the large yellow sign told me.
Then there was a whole bunch of stuff about sodomites and Jesus Christ and Hell surrounded by a lot of "Thee" and "Thou" King James Bible scriptures supposedly backing it all up. I didn't bother to read it, but instead scrolled down to the bottom where I was given another warning.
"If this Gospel truth offends you, then please hit the "Back" button on your browser.
Since I am a Christian and believe in the Gospel, I instead clicked on the big ENTER button.
After all, this Web site is run by Westboro Baptist Church.
And I'm a Baptist.
What harm can it do?
Lord, I can't believe what I saw next.
People -- calling themselves Christians -- proudly picketing funerals of American soldiers and holding up signs that say
"God Hates Fags"
"God Hates You"
"Thank God for Dead Soldiers"
Then under a recent AP story after a helicopter crash ikilling 10 n Afghanistan, it was written
"Thank God for 10 more dead troops. We wish it were 10,000."
Next came:
"God Loves Everyone -- the greatest lie ever told.
God Hates most of Mankind"
These people aren't Christians.
And their not Baptists.
They are serious nutcases.
They make the Klan look like a church choir.
One glance at these goofballs and Pro Lifers will become Pro Abortion.
And America will have to re-think this free speech thing.
Don't nuke Iran.
Nuke Topeka, Kansas.
Just tell George W that this weirdo preacher, Fred Phelps Sr., has weapons of mass destruction in the basement of Westboro Baptist Church and
KABOOOOOOOM
Goodbye, Freddy.
No, that's no what real Christians do.
Instead of hating the haters, we should just look up to that cross and remember the words that came down from it:
"Father forgive them for they know not what they do."
God, forgive me, but I still think KABOOOOOM seems like a better solutiton.
Gotta go now. I'm going to call my preacher and ask him if there's any way our church can change its name.
Dump Colonial Baptist.
Just call us Colonial.
These dipsticks in Kansas are giving Baptists a bad name.
Nick G.
Posted by at 8:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
President Logan's a wimp!
May 9, 2006The President of the United States sat in his office, sipping Scotch and staring at his pistol.
Pull the trigger and it would all be over quickly.
The country would be saved from some long, drawn out expensive trial in which a U.S. president would be accused of plotting the murder of a former U.S. president.
Just eat that bullet, President Logan.
Make drugged-up Martha a widow.
You wimp!
President Charles Logan is still alive and kicking today.
The tape that would have proven his guilt will soon be destroyed.
But I'm still betting on Jack Bauer to bring Charlie down before the sun comes up and "24" ends its fifth season.
As I watched Logan contemplate suicide Monday night, I wondered just how many U.S. presidents have considered self-assassination.
Surely, Nixon did.
Think about how paranoid Tricky Dick was. He actually authorized a burglary at the Democratic Party headquarters in an effort to get the upper hand in his bid for re-election against George McGovern.
That's the same George McGovern, who couldn't even win his own state of South Dakota.
George Costanza could have got more votes than George McGovern, who carried only one state -- Massachusetts in the 1972 election.
Massachusetts would elect Fidel Castro if he ran against a Republican.
Any way, I can imagine the paranoid "I'm not a crook" Nixon sitting in the White House, sipping Scotch and thinking about putting a bullet in his pea brain.
Lyndon Johnson may have thought about suicide. The Vietnam War -- and his inabillity to end it -- destroyed a good man.
Bill Clinton? Nah, he was having too much fun.
Clinton just did what 95 percent of the U.S. male population would have done if given the power and the opportunity,
The only thing that might make him think about suicide is knowing he had to sleep with Hillary.
Nick G
Posted by at 8:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
I want my Sunday paper back!
May 8, 2006This may be my final blog.
I can get away with saying the assistant superintendent should be fired and illegal aliens should be jailed, even though my bosses may not agree.
I can rag on college basketball coaches, teenage perverts and George W. Bush.
I can even make fun of the company's phone answering lessons and corporate surveys.
But I am about to go somewhere I probably should not go -- and somewhere I may not return from.
I'm going to criticize this newspaper.
All my life I have been a newspaper reader. That's why I'm in this business.
And Sunday is my favorite day to read. It is the only time of the week that I have time to sit back and really enjoy the paper. I like to read all of it, even the comics, the weddings, the 50-year anniversaries and columns written by kids younger than my own kids.
Sunday is prime time for newspapers. It's why your Sunday paper often outweighs your youngest child.
And every newspaper survey I've ever seen says that the front page is the No. 1 thing read in every paper.
So why is it that my paper no longer runs news on the front page on Sunday?
Doesn't seem like a real smart move to me.
But because people say they dont' have time to read anymore (that's a lie), our Sunday paper has become a page full of meaningless teasers trying to entice me to read other pages of the paper.
I will get to them, but first I want to read THE FRONT PAGE.
This past Sunday, the top two stories (really teasers) were about the end of the TV season and women's handbags. No thanks.
On the left I was told I could read everything I wanted to know about summer camps on Page 3B.
On the right there were four paragraphs sending me to 1C to find out how to stay cool in the summer. I know how. Turn on the AC.
The biggest thing on the page was a photo from the Cinco de Mayo celebration on Saturday the Seis de Mayo at Guadalupe Church. Cute kid scooping up prizes from the fish pond, but not news.
Two short news teasers told me that North Dakota is a testing site for space suits and the Mount Merapi's volcano was blasting off.
There were other teasers about a Virginia woman seeing floral arrangements as a form of prayer. (Just get on your knees the old fashioned way, lady) and a Las Vegas casino that offers horseback riding, mountain biking and rock climbing (I prefer cold beer and Texas Hold 'Em")
Another teasers told me I lost money at the Derby (I already knew that) and there's a lawsuit against the sunscreen industry (don';t use it.)
One big ugly cluster of 10 teasers. No news.
Am I just old-fashioned and not "in" with some new trend in journalism?
Or are newspapers not correctly reading their readers?
I'd like to get your opinion with some feedback on this one.
Hopefully, I will keep my job long enough to see it.
Nick G
Posted by at 8:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Cinco de Mayo? I'll drink to that!
May 5, 2006I really think Cinco de Mayo was invented by On the Border.
Check it out tonight if you don’t believe me.
The place -- which on this one day expands into the parking lot -- will be packed.
There will be a whole lotta margariteer drinking and enchilader eating there tonight.
In fact, On the Border has been celebrating Cinco de Mayo for a month now, getting us all fired up for the big day.
The OTB used to be my favorite watering hole.
My wife and I -- and sometimes a friend or two -- would gather there every Wednesday night.
Then one night we showed up and the place was packed -- so packed that they ran out of clean glasses in the bar.
“What’s going on,� I asked the bartender.
“Cinco de Mayo,� he answered.
“What’s that -- a Mexican Christmas?� I said.
“More like the Mexican Fourth of July. I think it’s Mexican Independence Day,� he replied.
Wrong
And the bartender was Mexican.
Heck, not even all of Mexico celebrates Cinco de Mayo.
It is more of a regional holiday south of the border.
It’s mainly in city of Puebla where they celebrate The Battle of Puebla.
Back in 1862, Mexico was in debt to a lot of different countries. One of them was France.
France told them to pay up or turn over their land.
Knowing the only war France ever won was the French Revolution when Frenchmen fought Frenchmen (like an intrasquad game), the Mexicans said “Bring it on.�
When the French army invaded them, the Mexican militia kicked their butt.
Then all the Mexicans ran down to the On the Border in Puebla and started drinking tequila and eating enchiladas.
Years later, Jose Cuervo came to the USA and struck gold.
Jose showed up at an On the Border and shouted out
"Happy Cinco de Mayo"
Nobody -- even the sober ones -- knew what the hell he was talking about. But they raised their glasses and toasted Cinco de Mayo.
A few years later they started celebrating Cuatro de Mayo, too.
Why not? After all it is Cinco de Mayo Eve.
Make mine on the rocks with salt.
So here we are 144 years later, celebrating the big win over the prissy Frenchmen by doing what we do best -- get drunk!
And after Cinco de Mayo, we have just 316 more days until we celebrate St. Patrick’s Day and guzzle down green beer in honor of the great Irish saint who won hundreds -- maybe thousands -- converts to Christianity.
And in leading people to Christ, Patrick used the shamrock to explain the Holy Trinity. His 30-year mission ended with his death on March 17 in 461 AD.
And we Americans still drink to that, too.
Happy Holidays,
(Hiccup)
Nick G
Posted by at 8:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
When is "No" not enough?
May 4, 2006I took the "Scripps Total Rewards Survey" this week.
The corporate office had been promising for weeks that this was not the typical "attitude survey" that we have had to endure over the years.
And it wasn't.
But there was one question on this survey that has been on all of the other 10 billion surveys I have filled out since taking this job.
"Are you satisfied with your salary?"
Now,just how dumb a question is that?
Who is going to answer "Yes" -- A-Rod, Bill Gates, the oil company CEOs who are screwing us over?
People who have so much power they don't have to take attitude surveys.
No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No
That's one "No" for each of the 34 years I have worked here.
Double my salary and I will still answer No next year.
It's such a dumb question, you start thinking that companies really don't pay any attention to the answers, they just put the question there every time to make you think they care.
Or maybe it's a secret polygraph thing. Anybody who answers "Yes" to such a dumb question has to be a bald-faced liar, which means he may be qualified to work for the New York Times, but not the Wichita Falls Times.
But just in case the big boss of Scripps happens to stumble over my daily rantings, let me say:
"SIR, I love my corporation. I love my retirement plan. I love my PTO. I love my health plan. I love my management training. I love my job. But most of all, boss, I LOVE YOU."
XO XO XO XO XO XO XO XO XO
Your friend,
Nick
Posted by at 7:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
"X" marks the spot
May 3, 2006It seems our schools are always in a budget crunch.
There's just never enough money to pay all the bills, so something has to go.
Teachers and teachers aides are often that "something."
Now I can sympathize with the WFISD because my whole life has been a big budget crunch.
There's never enough money to pay all my bills. Something always has to go.
But I don't cut groceries or electricity of health insurance.
So it ticked me off when I read a story on the front page of our paper today saying that "because personnel costs are the largest chunk (79 percent) of the district's expenses, Assistant Superintendent Dr. Tim Powers is combing through his list of teachers, evaluating the mission of each one in every position."
Wouldn't it be easier to just fire Tim Powers?
That right there would save almost $97,000 a year.
First off, let me say that I am not out to fire Tim Powers. I don't even know him. And I am sure to get where he is, he has to have some special skills that benefit the educating of our children.
But we are in a budget crunch here -- and an "assistant superintendent" is not the groceries or the light bill of a school district's budget. It's more like a maid or gardener.
Without a maid or gardener, the people of the house would have to do a little more work.
In the WFISD, those tasks would fall on the superintendent -- whose annual salary package in somewhere in tne neighborhood of $180,000.
And that's a neighborhood that I don't live in.
Most likely, you don't either.
One of my lunch buddies thinks the best way for our school district to cut costs is to take a bucket of paint to the administration building and paint a big "X" on every other door. Everyone with an "X" on his or her door would be looking for work elsewhere.
And the first "X" should be the assistant superintendent.
That right there might save the jobs of three teachers or four teacher's aides.
Nick G
Posted by at 7:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Chloe for President
May 2, 2006Kinky Friedman will be in town the next couple of days, hustling up votes to be governor of Texas.
I'm not paying 100 bucks to eat at Texas Roadhouse, but I will cast my vote for the Kinky one.
How can you not vote for a guy who;
Has a DVD entitled: "Proud to be an A.. hole from El Paso"
Writes a song called: "They Ain't Making Jews Like Jesus Anymore."
Write a book called: "The Love Songs of J.Edgar Hoover."
Kinky for Governor
But Chloe for President.
OK, I know that last week at lunch I told the guys that I would not vote for a woman president.
But I was talking about women like Hillary and Condoleeza.
Chloe O'Brian is different.
Chloe is just what this country needs.
Where would Jack Bauer be without her?
Dead -- for sure.
If you don't know Chloe, then you don't watch "24"
And if you don't watch "24," then drop to your knees and ask God for forgiveness. Then run out to the store and buy the first four seasons of the show and hope someone puts No. 5 under your Christmas tree.
Chloe O'Brian is the reason "24" exists.
Without this computer whiz, all of the good guys would be dead.
Well -- even with her -- most of them are dead. Michelle and President Palmer were taken out in the first hour of this series. Then Tony Almeida joined Michelle in eternity. And then went Edgar. Poor, poor Edgar.
But Chloe lives.
She started this season in bed with work buddy Spencer.
Since then, she has broken every rule of CTU and Homeland Security in order to save Jack's butt so Jack can save the country.
Last night she sat in a hotel bar with her trusty laptop, twice lasered some guy trying to hit on her and led Jack to the bad guy co-pilot on the airplane. Jack now has the tape that will bring down President Logan.
But will President Logan now bring down Jack and that plane?
Not with Chloe around.
Chloe for president! She will save the USA.
Nick G
Posted by at 8:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
No boycott for me
May 1, 2006I'm not gong to boycott anything today.
Fact is I have never boycotted anything in my life.
I didn't eat at the Pioneer on Maplewood for a year or so once because a rude waitress ticked me off, but I don't think that counts as a boycott.
I don't even give up anything for lent. I don't eat Brussel sprouts or watch Oprah between Ash Wednesday and Easter, but that's not lent.
I hate Brussel sprouts and Oprah.
Back during my smoking days, the "Great American Smokeout" day would end for me in about 30 seconds -- just as soon as I could find my cigarettes and lighter.
So knowing my track record, why would anyone expect me to march or support any kind of boycott that demands rights for illegal aliens?
Here's what I have to say to these people:
"Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Don't pass Go. Don't collect $200."
Then go home.
You are illegal.
Now before you start labeling me and my views as racist, please go back and read my April 7 blog.
It is titled: "I think I might be a Mexican"
In it, I say that I have a lot of Mexican friends.
Maybe I should restate that. I have a lot of American friends of Mexican heritage.
They are U.S. citizens -- "mis hermanos y hermanas" who contribute a lot to this great country.
The only thing illegal aliens contribute is cheap labor.
So today, they will take off work and attack our economy.
They'll show us.
They won't buy a six-pack of Old Milwaukee or an Allsup's burrito
To counter that, I'll have buy two six packs of beer and a double cheesburger.
With no lettuce.
Is that a boycott?
If so, forget my first sentence.
Nick G
Posted by at 8:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
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