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Artsy-fartsy ain't my style
September 29, 2006Nobody has said for sure, but I’m betting the kid who got the Frisco teacher fired was a girl.
No fifth grade boy is going to complain about seeing a nekid statue.
Heck, nekid stuff is about all the Dallas Museum of Art would have to interest little boys.
OK, I admit, I’m art-ignorant.
When I look at Michelangelo’s statue of David, all I see is a big un.
But what would you expect from a guy 17-feet tall? That’s like two Shaquille O’Neals and one Mini-Me.
I’m digressing -- sorry.
What makes art -- art?
I look out the window of our building and see the “Sculpture Garden� in front of the Kemp Center for the Arts.
The elite look at some guy balanced on a blue ball and see art.
I look at it and see junk.
I don’t see much difference in a “Sculpture Garden� and a salvage yard.
So what’s the difference in the statue of “David� and some other guy named David posing nekid for a porno magazine?
I don’t know. I’m just asking.
“That’s why the teacher took her students to the museum -- to teach them to distinguish art from not art,� one more artsy-fartsy friend of mine told me.
Maybe so. But it never worked with me.
But you judge me as a dumb ass redneck, let me remind you that I read two books a month.
Playboy and Penthouse.
Lot of really good art in there.
Maybe instead of wasting time at an art museum, more teachers should pass out Playboys and Penthouses to their fifth grade students.
I’m sure the little boys wouldn’t mind.
Posted by at 8:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
'It ain't me babe -- no, no, no -- it ain 't me, babe, it ain't me you're looking for, babe'
September 28, 2006“How many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?
Yes, 'n' how many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry?
Yes, 'n' how many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.�
Is that great or what?
If you don’t like Bob Dylan, quit reading this blog right now because. . .
“I don't want to meet your kin,
Make you spin or do you in,
Or select you or dissect you,
Or inspect you or reject you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.�
Elvis and The Beatles have been biggest rock stars of my generation, but Bob Dylan probably had the greatest impact on music.
Time Magazine thought so. That’s why Dylan is listed among its 100 most influential people of the 20th Century.
“Bob Dylan couldn’t wait for the music to change. He couldn’t only be a part of the change. He was the change itself.�
The young Bob Dylan demanded change. He was the forefront of the anti-war and civil rights movement.
He was our voice in the 60s.
“Maggie comes fleet foot
Face full of black soot
Talkin' that the heat put
Plants in the bed but
The phone's tapped anyway
Maggie says that many say
They must bust in early May
Orders from the D. A.
Look out kid
Don't matter what you did
Walk on your tip toes
Don't try "No Doz"
Better stay away from those
That carry around a fire hose
Keep a clean nose
Watch the plain clothes
You don't need a weather man
To know which way the wind blows�
Sometimes he was fun.
“Princess on the steeple and all the pretty people
They're drinkin', thinkin' that they got it made
Exchanging all kinds of precious gifts and things
But you'd better lift your diamond ring, you'd better pawn it babe
You used to be so amused
At Napoleon in rags and the language that he used
Go to him now, he calls you, you can't refuse
When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose
You're invisible now, you got no secrets to conceal.
How does it feel
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?�
Sometimes he was even spiritual.
“Go ahead and talk about him because he makes you doubt,
Because he has denied himself the things that you can't live without.
Laugh at him behind his back just like the others do,
Remind him of what he used to be when he comes walkin' through.
He's the property of Jesus
Resent him to the bone
You got something better
You've got a heart of stone�
Dylan has written more than 500 songs and sold 57 million copies of his 43 albums.
And now an old geezer like me -- he’s 65 -- Dylan recently became the oldest living chart topper when his “Modern Times� vaulted to No. 1.
“May God bless and keep you always,
May your wishes all come true,
May you always do for others
And let others do for you.
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.�
Posted by at 9:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
CheerleaderGate: Meet the Disgruntled Parents
September 27, 2006Two bits, four bits,
Six bits, a dollar,
Everyone tired of
This City View
Cheerleading bitching,
Stand up and holler
For the past few days, the “letters to the editor� portion of our paper has been dominated by, first, some disgruntled City View parents griping about the cheerleader uniforms -- and then the rebuttal of all the cheerleader supporters.
Does anybody really give a rat’s ass about all this?
I mean, we’ve got important news going on -- like Paris Hilton getting arrested for DUI and Temple, Okla., celebrating its 104th birthday.
Heck, there’s probably a gun and knife show coming to town pretty soon.
Hey right there above the letters today was a Good Old Joe Brown editorial on goat farming or sorghum prices or something else really important.
Disgruntled parents are something I have had to put up for the last 34 years.
They’ve always got something to bitch about, usually because their little Johnny or little Mary didn’t get their way.
Most of the time, the disgruntled choose to point out other kids who aren’t nearly as good looking or talented as their kids.
To me, disgruntled parents are Public Enemy No. 2 -- right behind Muslim terrorists.
What would a homecoming be like without junior high cheerleaders?
Who would even want to return to their old high school alma mater without having some 12 and 13-year-old girls yelling “We’ve got spirit, how ‘bout you?�
Really, though, what do junior high cheerleaders do at homecoming -- reminisce about the good old days in the fifth grade?
When I was in high school, back in the dark ages, we were never allowed to see a girl’s knee cap.
I thought that was crap.
So if today’s high school girls show off a little booty or belly button, nobody should argue.
High school boys definitely won’t.
Hey, City View hasn’t won a football game in two years.
There hasn’t been much to cheer about, so why not cheer the cheerleaders.
And hasn’t City View in the past been the high school that was criticized for having the harshest discipline?
I think I would trust these people with my kids and be much fairer than Public Enemy No. 2.
Posted by at 8:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
I love my daughter
September 25, 2006When I got online at home today to write my blog, I found this in my email.
My daughter wrote his blog on MySpace.
I am so proud of her. You will soon know why.
My Dad, my hero
Current mood: grateful
Anyone who knows me at all knows how much I adore my Dad. As far back as I can remember, (which is getting hazy already), I have always been a Daddy's girl. Mom stayed at home most of my early childhood. I remember excitedly hearing his "I'm home!" at about five fifteen every day. When he had time, he took me on "baby doll days", where it was just us two. He would take me to buy a toy, or sometimes just ride up and down escalaters at the old Sears downtown. I looked forward to those rare occasions. When Tommy or I were sick he would stop at the store on his way home from work and buy us something. Makes me feel guilty as hell for the few times I was faking!
When Mom left my Dad turned into a man few probably felt possible. I recall Tommy and myself giving him a letter that might have even made him cry. It said thanks for being a great father and mother to us. Of course when Mom was gone we were all sad. Not myself, Tommy, or Dad saw it coming. Seems strange because we were blind to about every sign possible. She could have said it point blank and we would have probably laughed it off.
After a while though, Dad pulled himself together and proved to be the best parent possible. He was still sad, I'm sure. Even though they had a few disagreements, he had spent the last thirteen years of his life with her. Now, I realize he did it for us kids. He took us to numerous Ranger games, which might coincide with the fact that I am now and forever a baseball addict.
He taught us to be strong people. Although I get incredibly angry when people speak poorly of him, he could care less. That is a trait most people wish for their whole lives to no avail. When I tried to drop out of high school he talked me out of it. I remember him saying, "Just do it for me". I could not thank him enough for doing that.
I think he fell in love with Brandon just as quick as I did. The very first time I brought Brandon home, Dad asked his wife if the knife he was holding was sharp enough to cut a di** off with. Brandon just laughed along. He has always been and always will be an inspiration to me. He sometimes does what most parents do and regrets certain things he did or did not do when we were young. All I know is that he taught us good morals, responsibility, and a great sense of humor when all else fails. I could not have asked for a better father.
I love my Dad, my hero.
I love you, too, baby doll.
Posted by at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Only $999,999,571.27 short of the cut
September 22, 2006The Forbes 400 list is out, and once again I missed the cut.
But this time I was only short by $999,999,571.27.
Yeah, Bill Gates and the Waltons aren’t going to be challenged by my $428.73 net worth.
But maybe next year.
If I could just come up with some pill that could make fat, ugly women look like Marilyn Monroe.
And if I don’t, there is still hope.
No. 2 and No. 3 on this “richest American� list both started out in -- yep, the newspaper business.
Warren Buffet, who is now worth $46 billion, was once a paper boy. He filed his first tax return at age 13 and claimed a $35 deduction on the bicycle he rode to deliver his papers.
Before Sheldon Adelson became a casino owner and parlayed it into $20.5 billion, he got his start selling papers. He borrowed $200 from his uncle to get into the newspaper business.
I had a head start on both of them. I started here at 64 bucks a week.
Here’s some other Forbes info for you.
This year’s 400 richest American list had a total worth of $1.25 trillion.
Although Bill Gates is the richest American with $53 billion, there are five Waltons in the top 11 and six overall on the list. The worth of the six heirs of Wal-Mart founder Sam Walton are worth $80.3 billion.
The owner of the Dallas Mavericks and the owner of the Dallas Cowboys are both on the list.
Mavs owner Mark Cuban comes in at No. 133 with a worth of $2.3 billion.
Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is No. 297 at $1.3 billion.
Bruton Smith, the owner of Texas Motor Speedway, is No. 278 at $1.4 billion.
The richest person in sports is Miami Heat owner Micky Arison -- 48th overall at $5 billion.
He made his money with Carnival Cruise.
Michael Dell, the founder of the largest PC maker, is the richest Texan.
The Austin billionaire is the ninth richest American with a worth of $15.5 billion.
All the legends in racing in town this week to honor Lloyd Ruby might be interested in knowing that Roger Penske is worth $2.2 billion and ranked No. 140.
Beanie Babies paid off for H. Ty Warner. They made him $4.5 billion and put him at No. 52.
And finally, Oprah is worth $15. billion and No. 242.
Posted by at 8:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Ryder Cup 'Skins Game;' What do the Irish really know about filth?
September 21, 2006“Ryder Cup Filth for Dublin.�
That was the headline in most recent edition of The Dubliner Magazine.
Under it was a story by so-called columnist Lou Slips, who wrote: “Most American golfers are married to women who cannot keep their clothes on in public.�
That should boost golf ratings back here in the good old USA, but right now it has done nothing but piss off Mr. Eldrick Woods.
Although the magazine took some satirical shots at Chad Campbell’s wife, Amy, “a large-chested singer.� Remember Arnie’s Army. Well after seeing this chick, I’d rather be in Amy’s Army.
It also called Jim Furyk “geeky� and said he didn’t get his hot wife, Tabatha, until his career earnings hit $15 million. Now, that’s BS. I’m betting Tabatha would have married the geek if he was only worth $10 or $12 mil.
But the real pre-Ryder Cup fuss is over Mrs. Elin Nordegren Woods --- aka Mrs. Tiger.
Ireland’s popular monthly magazine ran a nekid photo that it claimed to be Elin and suggested that she is all over Internet porno websites. (As if they need more business.)
Being the investigative journalist that I am, I spent hours and hours searching these sites and never found Elin.
Now there are those famous, but photo-shopped fake, naughty pictures of her on the Internet.
Other than that, the best you can find is bikini shots and a little (very little) cleavage of the former Swedish model.
Tiger is threatening to sue, and the magazine -- realizing the legal team this guy could assemble -- has backed down and apologized.
The whole story will die down and let golf’s greatest event take center stage.
But to the bosses at The Dubliner, I want to say:
Filth?
You guys don’t know filth.
Go check out the nekid photos of that 6-foot-3, 300-pound, tattooed, ex-con wife of the former police chief of Snyder, Okla.
Those Okies know filth much better than you Blarney boys.
Posted by at 8:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Willie Nelson, meet Barney Fife
September 20, 2006The state police in Louisiana have to be the greatest law enforcers since Barney Fife.
In fact, when I think of that state trooper stepping into Willie Nelson’s tour bus and sniffing out that Willie weed, I think of Barney.
Can’t you just see him grabbing for his gun with one hand and the bullet in his pocket with the other?
Then, if he doesn’t shoot a hole in his foot or the bottom of the bus, Barney points his gun and Willie and his friends and says:
“Hands up. Hands up. I know what that smell is.�
“I just farted,� Willie says with a broad smile. “Maybe that’s what you’re smelling�
“Oh no, my friend, I know the smell of Mary Jane. You’re not messing with some hick deputy here,� Barney says. “You people are in big, big trouble.�
Then he shoots himself in the foot.
That’s the scene I imagine when I think about Willie’s bus being pulled over early Monday morning near Lafayette, La., for a “routine police inspection.�
Anybody who has ever hummed a few bars of “On the Road Again,� knows what Willie’s bus looks like.
You’d think Barney would, too..
But maybe Barney saw this as his 15 minutes of fame.
He could see himself on Letterman or Leno or Oprah.
Maybe Katie Couric might even want to put him on the CBS nightly news.
So Barney pulls the bus over and nails 73-year-old Willie, his 75-year-old sister Bobbie and a couple of others for possession of about a pound and a half of marijuana and a few magical mushrooms.
Barney took the weed and srooms but allowed Willie to keep the Viagra and stool softener he also had on him at the time.
Barney didn’t take the four criminals back to “The Rock� because the local jail was “filled to capacity� with moonshiners and he didn’t want to wake up Otis.
So he wrote out four tickets, got a couple of autographs and Willie was back on the road again.
Posted by at 8:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
To heck with political correctness, the Pope was right
September 19, 2006There are some things I don’t like about Catholics.
(1.) Their funerals are too long.
(2.) Their weddings are too long.
But for the most part, this luke warm Baptist likes Catholics.
Sure we differ on how we do some things, but the cornerstone of our churches is the same.
We are Christians.
And the Muslims aren’t.
So I stand behind the Pope and what he said that has pissed off the Muslim world.
I know most journalists in this country are ripping the Pope right now.
Heck, Saddam Hussein is getting better press these days that Benedict XVI.
But the Pope is not our enemy.
He did not order airplanes to be flown into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.
He quoted a 14th century text which said some of the teachings of Muhammad (the Prophet, not the boxer) were “evil and inhuman� and that Islam is a religion spread by the sword.
So what do the Muslims do?
They get pissed off and go get their swords.
Al-Qaida has called for a holy war against the “worshippers of the cross.�
Images of the Pope were burnt in the streets.
An Italian nun was murdered in Sunni Muslim Somalia.
And there will be more to come.
You know why?
The Pope was right.
Posted by at 10:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Saddam Hussein coming to the MSU Artist Lecture Series, then Falls Fest?
September 15, 2006Why is Saddam Hussein still breathing?
There have been 2,206 American military casualties in Iraq since we captured this old bastard back on Dec. 13, 2003.
Yet he is still alive.
I believe every person deserves a trial, but this is ridiculous.
Hasn't Brittney Spears had two babies while this old fart has been on trial?
Here’s how I would have handled the Saddam Hussein trial:
Hear ye. Hear ye. The trial of this murdering bastard is now in session.
Judge: How does the mass murderer plea?
Saddam: Not guilty.
Judge: Has the jury reached a verdict.
Jury Foreman: We have, your honor. Guilty as hell.
At that point, the judge reaches down and pulls out a German Luger
and fires two shots right between Saddam’s ragged old eyebrows.
They drag his nasty old carcass out of the courtroom and feed it to some hungry pit bulls.
That’s how I would handle it.
Here’s what is really going on.
Since Saddam went on trial, a Senate report has come out making him sound like Mother Teresa.
Calling themselves an “Intelligence Committee,� these senators announced that Saddam didn’t trust al-Qaida and once tried to capture Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.
Since al-Qaida is our enemy, that officially makes Saddam our good buddy.
Even the judge hearing the trial believes he is a good guy.
“You were not a dictator,� Judge Abdullah al-Amiri told Saddam on Thursday.
So what’s next?
Let me look into my crystal ball.
Time Magazine will one day name Saddam Hussein its “man of the year.�
Hillary Clinton will announce him as her vice president on the Democratic ticket in 2008.
He will win the Nobel Peace Prize and be a guest on Letterman and Leno.
He will host his own news show on CBS: “Sundays with Saddam.�
He will be agree to come to Wichita Falls and be a guest for the MSU Artist Lecture Series.
The following year he will come back as guest of the Junior League and appear at Falls Fest with Willie Nelson.
President Hillary Clinton will suddenly die of poison gas, and Saddam will move into the White House.
My quick trial suggestion is sounding better and better all the time, huh?
Note: Since I am covering the Cowboys’ late game on Sunday night, I will be sleeping in on Monday and taking the day off. See you on Tuesday.
Posted by at 8:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Kinky, it's OK to legalize pot, but please don't dance with the devil
September 14, 2006I still plan to vote for Kinky Friedman for governor, but there is something he said Wednesday that I totally disagree with.
No, not his support for legalizing marijuana.
I am totally in line with that.
If they sold good weed at the drug store, the meth problem wouldn’t be what it is today.
And throwing people in prison for pot is just plain wrong.
I agree with Kinky’s stand on this issue.
Some people are labeling Kinky a racist because of what he said about the Katrina evacuees spiking the crime rate in Houston.
He’s not a racist. He’s a realist.
The hurricane blew a lot of “crackheads and thugs� into our state.
That’s a fact.
Kinky wants to “clean house� in several state boards and commissions.
Go Kinky.
He wants to dump the Texas TAKS test for public school students.
Do it.
But there is still one thing Kinky said that bothers me.
He said that when he is elected governor, one of the first calls he will make will be to Robert Muhammad, the head of the Nation of Islam in Houston.
Kinky calls this guys “very visionary� and says he would “help us get those gangsters and thugs and crackheads out of there.�
This is where I draw the line.
Robert Muhammad was appointed to his job by Louis Farrakhan, a Muslim leader who said his entire inspiration for the “Million Man March� was based on a “vision of being swept into a UFO that took him to a larger mothership.�
If this is true, this guy is messing with something a whole lot stronger than any pot you can legalize.
Farrakhan also once called Adolf Hitler “a very great man.�
Just because you’ve got the dance hall vote doesn’t mean you have to dance with the devil.
I don’t want my governor dancing with any buddy of Louis Farrakhan.
Posted by at 9:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Madonna not the weirdest act in Russa
September 13, 2006While doing some research on Madonna’s controversial Confessions tour in Russia, I came across many more interesting stories from the country we used to hate.
I remember growing up thinking Russia was a really dull country.
Well, not anymore.
The country of Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev, Gorbachev and Ivan the Terrible ain’t what it used to be.
Here are some recent Russian headlines:
Man Keeps Mom’s Mummy in Attic for 10 years
A man in the central Russian province of Tatarstan has kept his mother’s mummified body in the attic of his house for 10 years before it was discovered by police Chronometer newspaper reported on Wednesday. At the interrogation the man said he saw nothing wrong in this and added that he acted within the tradition of his people.
Gay Couple Has Public Sex; Crowd Applauds
Two men drew applause from residents of Ekaterinburg in Russia’s Urals as they undressed in the street, kissed in front of the gathering crowd and finally performed oral sex on each other.
On Monday, two apparently drunk men stopped on the central street of the biggest Urals city and started dancing. While dancing, the couple stroked each other lovingly, gradually undressing and kissing passionately, the Ura.ru website reports.
People who gathered around the couple reacted quite positively, took photographs, applauded and recorded them on video. Nobody bothered to call the police or protest.
Teenage Girl Buries Aunt Alive for Selling Dog to Barbecue Shop
A 15-year old girl and her younger friends have badly beaten and buried alive her aunt for selling her dog to a barbecue shop. The girl said that the dog had come to her in a dream and asked her to punish the woman who had caused its death.
The Kurier newspaper from the North Russian region of Pskov said that the girl, Nastya Horina, called the police herself and confessed to killing her 36-year-old aunt. The girl said that her dog, which went missing about a year ago, had come to her in a dream and said that it was killed. The dog also said that the girl would soon find the killer and asked her to avenge its death.
The next day after the dream, the girl met her aunt who said it was her who sold the dog for a bottle of vodka to a barbecue shop. Nastya together with her friends who were even younger then her took the woman to a gravel pit, beat her badly and then buried the woman while she was still alive.
25 Percent of Russians Have Had Sex While Driving
About 25 percent of Russians have had sex while driving, a poll released by KRC Research and Goodyear revealed. And this is just one of the things that make them the worst drivers in Europe.
According to the research, Russians do not use seatbelts, break speed-limits, drive through red lights, drive drunk and have sex while driving much more often than other Europeans do.
The odd thing is they don’t think all this is bad.
It gets stranger: Read on.
Participant In Sex Dolls Rafting Tournament Disqualified For Sexual Abuse of Apparatus
A participant of a sex dolls rafting tournament has been disqualified for sexual abuse of an apparatus, Zizn’ newspaper reports.
Igor Osipov was not able to keep in his sexual desire, even in the cool water of the Vuoksa river near St. Petersburg.
Over 400 “sportsmen� took part in the Bubble Baba Challenge tournament. “It’s fun and difficult to swim 1200 meters in stormy river with an exotic apparatus, as inflatable ladies slip out of hands�, tournament organizer Dmitriy Bulaviniv said.
At a juries’ command participants jumped into the water. Strong wind and flow snatched out
resilient dolls from strong men’s hands, and only Osipov, 40, resolutely approached to the finish.
“I was shocked, I think it was an expression of his great desire to win,� Osipov’s friend said. The jury then noticed Osipov’s strange position and told him to moor. When he came out of the water, gazers saw signs of recent sexual activity on the swimmer’s doll.
The jury found the swimmer guilty of sexual abuse of the apparatus and disqualified him.
Air sex dolls can be used only for swimming, organizers say.
Cop Attempts Suicide After Performing Transgender Surgery On Self
A Russian policeman has attempted suicide after performing a transgender surgery on himself. He was found with a rope around his neck in a pool of blood — his genitals had been cut off and the wound scrupulously stitched up. Painkillers and a bloody needle, as well as the remains of his genitals, were lying on the floor next to him.
Alexei’s wife Irina, who found the man half dead in his country cottage in the suburbs of Moscow, called the ambulance immediately. The doctors managed to save his life, but said he would never be able to have sex again, Zhisn daily reports.
When Alexei, 31, came to his senses in hospital, he said he had been attacked by a strange man who broke into the house, but the investigation has a different version.
“We found women’s cosmetics and lingerie, brand new, in the house,� local policemen who investigate the case said.
“Alexei’s wife said it was not hers. It looks like he had bought the stuff to put on after the surgery.�
Posted by at 8:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
If Diddy can't be Diddy, what will he be?
September 12, 2006There just wasn’t room enough for two Diddys in Britain.
Richard “Diddy� Dearlove -- whom nobody has ever heard of -- went to court and sued the Diddy worth $250 million over the rights to the name “Diddy.�
So the Diddy settled out of court and agreed not to be Diddy anymore.
Richard “Diddy� -- whom I like to call Dick “Diddy� -- is now the only Diddy in that country.
Now the other Diddy will have to change his name.
But that shouldn’t be a problem.
He has done it six times before.
The name that his mom and dad gave him -- Sean John Combs -- wasn’t hip enough to be a gangster rapper, so Sean John became Puffy.
Then Puff.
Then Puff Daddy.
Then P Diddy.
Then Diddy.
You may not know this, but when he was Puffy, he had other legal problems over his name with a Japanese band named Puffy AmiYumi.
Are you still with me?
Why?
Back to Dick Diddy.
He was getting fed up with “getting e-mails from Puerto Rican girls asking if they could be in my video and people were asking me to look at their clothing line."
Can you imagine the torture that must have been for poor Dick Diddy?
So he did what any good Diddy would do.
He sued.
The other Diddy then agreed to give up his name.
It hurt, I’m sure, but he let Dick Diddy be the only Diddy in Britain.
So let’s give the rapper formerly known as Diddy a new name.
I kinda like Dippy.
Then when he gets tired of that, he could be just plain Dip.
Then Dip Stick.
Then Dip Sh**.
Posted by at 8:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Bush-Cheney master-minded 9-11? If you believe that, then Roosevelt bombed Pearl Harbor and JFK shot himself in the head
September 11, 2006The dumbest of the dumb ass writers right now is David Ray Griffin.
His book is called: “Christian Faith and the Truth Behind 9-11.�
In it, he concludes that “the Bush-Cheney administration orchestrated 9-11 in order to promote this (American) empire under the pretext of the so-called war on terror.�
In other words, the President of the United States was the mastermind behind this attack on the United States.
On a slow day at the Oval Office, Bush calls Cheney in and says:
BUSH: “Hey, Dick, what OUR country really needs is a good war.?
CHENEY: “I don’t know, George, that might not be such a good idea.�
BUSH: “Just think what it will do to your 433,333 shares of Halliburton stock.�
CHENEY: “OK, who do you want to attack?�
BUSH: “New York. Maybe D.C, too.�
CHENEY: “You, the commander and chief, are going to order our troops to attack us?�
BUSH: “Nah, get the CIA to find a bunch of rag-heads to fly commercial airplanes into Yankee Stadium and the Capitol. Promise them 72 virgins.�
CHENEY: “Why not the World Trade Center and the Pentagon instead?�
BUSH: “I really hate those (bleeping) Yankees, almost as much as those liberal Democrats over on the Hill. But, yeah, the World Trade Center and the Pentagon would be better.�
CHENEY: “Aye, aye, chief. We can blame it all on that Bin Laden guy and then go attack the Taliban and Saddam.�
That’s not exactly the way Griffin said the plot went down, but he does say 9-11 was a Bush-Cheney conspiracy theory -- which is nothing from a crock.
You might expect crap like this from Muslim extremists.
But David Ray Griffin is not a Muslim extremist. And neither is he just some nut sitting in a trailer house hunt and pecking this up on his laptop
Griffin is an ordained minister in the Christian Church who had a long teaching career at the United Methodists’ Claremont School of Theology in California.
That just proves smart people can be dumb asses.
But be looking for Griffin’s next book.
In it, he will prove that Franklin Delano Roosevelt bombed Pearl Harbor.
After that, he will prove that JFK was not assassinated. He committed suicide.
Posted by at 9:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Excuse me for repeating myself -- but please say a prayer for Jackie
September 8, 2006I came to work Thursday in a great mood.
Winning not one -- but two poker tournaments -- the night before had me smiling for ear to ear.
And there was a lot of wit and humor in the words I was writing.
Then somewhere between 10 and 11 in the morning, the whole world changed. All of sudden, poker no longer mattered.
Jackie Riley, a co-worker and friend, just got the news that her little daughter had died. She was only 22.
My "pity" has turned to pain. I hurt for Jackie. I can’t imagine what she is going through.
I don't want to know. God, please, I never want to know.
I know how much Jackie loved her daughter . I know how much I love my daughter.
So I'm hurting inside for my friend. I said a prayer for Jackie. God, please comfort my friend.
Comfort? Is it possible?
The Bible says "with God, all things are possible." So I will continue to pray. And hurt.
Thursday is the day my daughter and I always walk together. Today, our time together will be even more precious to me.
Please, say a prayer for Jackie.
If those words sound familiar, forgive me. I copied a lot of it from a blog I wrote back on Aug. 17 when another co-worker and friend lost her 11-year-old granddaughter in a tragic truck crash.
The TRN family has not had two tragic family deaths in a span of three weeks.
Notice I said “family.� Although this is a job where we often fuss with each other and have our little petty arguments, we still, for the most part, love one another.
So when the tragic news came Thursday, another co-worker and friend came by my desk and said:
“We need to say another prayer.�
I struggled with what to write and then decided to basically repeat my words of 22 days ago.
I hope you don’t mind.
Bjut even if you do, still say a prayer for Jackie.
Posted by at 8:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Forgive the big smile, I got lucky last night
September 7, 2006If you see me around town today, you may notice my smile is much bigger than normal.
That’s because this old guy got lucky last night.
Mmmmmmmmm, baby.
Was it ever good.
Reminded me of my younger days.
It had been a really long time since I got lucky in a bar.
But on Wednesday night, I doubled my fun.
Yeah, twice.
Not bad for a guy just a couple a months away from the big 6-Oh, huh?
OK, get your mind out of that nasty gutter.
I’m not talking about vodey-oh-doh here.
Or, as Bob Eubanks used to say, -- “whoopey.�
No, I’m talking Texas Hold ’Em.
For the past three months, I have been spending my Wednesday nights at Buffalo Wild Wings.
Not only does this place offer cold beer, good food and lots of big screen sports -- it has two live Wednesday poker games at 6 and 9 p.m.
What’s really nice is it’s free.
The top two finishers in each tournament get gift certificates.
And I have made a whole of lot of new friends.
But up until last night, I had never won a tournament.
I had made it to the final table a couple of times and finished third once -- which is pretty good considering the game has 50 to 60 players. And almost all of the players know how to play the game.
To win, you have to be a good player and also get lucky.
On Wednesday night, I was lucky and good not once, but twice.
Wild Wings has been running this poker game for a little more than a year now, and when I sat down at the final table for the second game, the manager told us nobody had ever won both tournaments on the same night.
I changed that.
So pardon me if a big smile has replaced my poker face today.
I feel like Doyle Brunson.
Posted by at 8:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Looking and lusting may be a sin, but these preacher perverts deserve a hotter spot in hell
September 6, 2006I have been told by people much smarter than me that God does not differentiate between sins.
In other words, in His eyes, a serial killer is no worse than a liar.
Winona Ryder the shoplifter is no better than Adolf Hitler the mass murderer.
Sorry, but I just can’t buy that.
If God gets so upset when we make Damn his last name, just think of how made he gets when these so-called preachers and prophets come along and use his first name to screw everything in sight.
In our paper today, there’s a story about a “Baptist� church in the Ozarks whose pastor allegedly uses his Godly position and authority to molest children.
George Otis Johnson is said to have touched one girl sexually before and after church services and called it “angel kisses.�
This guy needs to be angelically bitch slapped.
But it gets worse.
Old George allegedly told a girl that he had been “ordained by God to fulfill her needs as a woman.� And that ordination has allowed him in her pants from the time she was 8 until she was 16.
Another girl says he has been getting fulfilled since she was 4.
OK, every once in awhile, when I am walking in the mall and some hot chick walks by showing lots of cleavage and a tattoo on the crack of her hiney -- I admit I look and lust.
But I really can’t believe that “look and lust� is looked on by the Almighty the same as what George Otis has been doing in the Missouri backwoods.
Nor do I believe that my looking and lusting can compare with this kook Warren Jeffs.
He has used his position as “prophet� to control the women in his cult.
The last count has him with 75 wives and 56 children.
That’s a lot of anniversaries and birthdays for a guy to remember, but it seems the prophet is too busy in his holy bedroom to worry about such nonsense.
Got to reproduce some more young brides for him and his buddies.
There has to be a hot spot in hell reserved for guys like these.
Posted by at 9:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Could the U.S. survive without Dick Cheney?
September 5, 2006The No. 2 al-Qaida boss in Iraq has been captured.
You may remember him as Hamed Jumaa Faird al-Saeedi.
Or Abu Humam.
Or Abu Rana.
Take your pick.
Whatever you want to call him, his al-Qaida ass is now in American hands.
A national security adviser in Iraq said the arrest has dealt the terrorist group a big blow.
Al-Qaida is supposedly in a “serious leadership crisis.�
I’ll bet it takes five or 10 minutes for them to find another No. 2 man.
Remember how much our country suffered when Spiro Agnew resigned.
Man, I still miss him -- don’t you?
Just think what would happened if the terrorists captured Dick Cheney.
Could America survive?
Dick who?
Dick Cheney -- you remember, the vice president of the United States. Our No. 2 guy. The one who is just a heartbeat away from being the leader of the free world.
How long would be miss Dick Cheney if al-Qaida raided his house and took him and his Halliburton stock captive>
Oh, maybe five minutes. Ten at the most.
Dick Cheney is to the United States what Hamed Jumaa Faird Al-Saeedi was to al-Qaida.
Not much.
To prove it, I am going to give you a Dick Cheney quiz to see how much you know about our No. 2 man.
1. What is his middle name?
2. He was once a member of the House of Representatives. What state did he represent?
3. Other than being in the House, what other two major jobs did he have before being the VP?
4. One of those jobs was secretary of defense under George H. Bush, but he wasn’t the president’s first choice. Who was?
5. Has he ever been president of the United States?
6. What is his wife’s first name?
7. How many children does he have and what are their names?
8. What was the name of the friend he shot during a hunting trip this year?
9. What the lowest approval rating he has received in the Time Magazine poll?
10. What is the estimated worth of his 433,333 stock options with Halliburton?
Answers:
1. Bruce
2. Wyoming
3. White House Chief of Staff and Secretary of Defense.
4. John Tower’s nomination was rejected by the Senate.
5. Yes. On June 29, 2002 when President Bush has to be put under anesthetics during a medical exam.
6. Lynne.
7. Two daughters. Elizabeth and Mary.
8. Harry Whittington, a Texas attorney.
9. 29 percent.
10. $8 million.
If you 2 or fewer right, you may know more about Hamed Jumaa Faird Al-Saeedi than you do the VP.
If you got 5 or 6, you are a good American.
If you got 8 or more right, you should run for vice president.
Posted by at 5:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Jerry Lewis hasn't been funny for 50 years
September 1, 2006Is Jerry Lewis funny?
No,
Has Jerry Lewis ever been funny?
Yes.
When did Jerry Lewis quit being funny?
50 years ago.
Unless you are 50-something, you probably have never laughed at anything Jerry Lewis ever did.
You don’t remember “The Caddy,� in which Jerry Lewis was a caddy for golfer Dean Martin.
Or you may have never seen the greatest Martin and Lewis movie, “Living It Up� where Jerry’s doctor (Dean) diagnoses him with radiation poisoning and give him just three weeks to live. When a New York newspaper reporter finds out about it, Jerry becomes a national celebrity. Then he finds out he only has a sinus condition.
(Rent this one if you can.)
As you may have figured out by now, Jerry Lewis quit being funny when he no longer had Dean Martin.
Laurel needed Hardy.
Costello needed Abbot.
Curly needed Moe.
Gracie Burns needed George.
And Lewis needed Martin.
The two formed their comedy team in 1946, did 17 movies together and then broke up exactly 10 years to the day they got together.
The breakup turned into a well-publicized feud.
“I’ll never work with that drunk again,� Lewis once said.
Dean Martin went on to have a pretty nice singing and acting career. He is best known for his television celebrity “roasts� and will forever be linked with the “Rat Pack� of Las Vegas -- Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr.,, Peter Lawford and Joey Bishop.
Before his death -- on Christmas Day 1995 -- Martin made a surprise guest appearance on Jerry Lewis’s Labor Day MDA Telethon in 1976. The reunion was set up by Sinatra.
But Martin and Lewis never renewed their friendship or the partnership.
They just didn’t like each other.
Jerry needed Dean to be funny, but he didn’t need him to have a major impact on our world.
This weekend will be the 41st Labor Day telethon.
The first 40 raised more than $2 billion for MDA.
And that’s nothing to laugh at.
(I am taking a holiday on Labor Day. Be back blogging on Tuesday.)
Posted by at 8:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
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