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You may see a big Woody at your house tonight
October 31, 2006For most of my life, I have worn two costumes on Halloween.
From age 18 to age 39, I always dressed up as a smart-ass young white guy.
Then, for the next 17 years, I switched to a balding, smart ass old white guy.
When you are born with my face and have to wear it around 364 days a year, why would you want to put on a goofy or ugly mask one day a year? Makes so sense.
Then along came Nicholas and everything changed.
My little grandson now dictates my Halloween wardrobe.
Last year, when I asked him who he wanted to be on Halloween, he said “Batman.�
Then when I asked him what he wanted grandpa to be, he said “Big Batman.�
So guess what I did.
Yep, Big Batman. Cape, mask, the works.
My wife -- Cat Woman -- said I looked like a chipmunk dressed up like Batman.
But Nicholas was happy.
This year he chose to be Buzz Lightyear.
And he wants grandpa to be Woody.
So when the sun goes down tonight, there will be a big Woody at your house.
For many of you, it will be the first time you have seen a big Woody in a long, long time.
For 55 years, Woody was a cartoon woodpecker.
Heh-heh-heh, HEH-heh.
Walter Lantz created Woody Woodpecker back in 1940, and today the cartoon bird has his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
But when you say Woody, only old farts think of the woodpecker.
Then he became just a pecker.
And now the real Woody is the “Toy Store� cowboy character.
And since there are no 2X Woody costumes out there to buy or rent, I have spent the last month couple of weeks, putting together my home-made outfit.
But I refuse to wear it until little Buzz Lightyear shows up at my house tonight.
A lot of my co-workers really dressed up for this day, but I will wait until the sun goes down to show off my Woody.
Posted by at 8:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Call me crazy, but I still believe in "news"papers
October 27, 2006Unlike most of my colleagues, I don’t see gloom and doom for daily newspapers.
If that makes me president of the “Overly Optimist Club,� so be it.
But I still believe that 30 years or so from now, when my grandson breaks Barry Bonds’ and Hank Aaron’s home run records, he will be able to pick up a paper the next morning and read all about it.
Many others in this business will disagree.
Guys my age are just hoping their retirement comes before they “stop the press� forever.
Newspapers, they say, just can’t compete with 24-hour cable news and the Internet. By the time, a newspaper lands in your flower bed, everything in it is old news.
To me, cable news and the Internet aren’t a newspaper’s greatest competition.
Our biggest enemy is us.
In the last several years, newspapers have made a big effort to bring in new readers.
We “target� groups like:
Single mothers between the ages of 30 and 45 who tape Oprah every day, eat macaroni and cheese and love to square dance on weekends.
Or married men between the ages of 28 and 42 who have three kids, live in a trailer house and watch professional wrestling every night in their underwear.
(And if any of those people just happened to speak Spanish, we will really go after them.)
In our last two Sunday papers (notice I never say newspapers), we had front page stories on purple purses, pet guinea pigs, a gothic rock band and pet scorpions.
Not sure what “target� group all this was aimed at.
We focus our attention on reaching these “new readers� and forget about the “old readers,� and then scratch our heads wondering why circulation is going down.
NEWS ALERT FROM NICK: If you want to increase circulation, put Hooters girl on street corners selling papers rather than homeless people.
We give ourselves away on a Web site, yet wonder why people don’t want to pay 50 cents for it. Some of my best writing are these “free� blogs.
Another problem is we put out a paper with a “9 to 5� attitude.
Bosses don’t’ work nights like they used to, so many of the big “news� decisions are made before 5 o’clock.
In the past couple of weeks, I have had two of my bosses compliment newsside people for:
Getting in a review on something that ended at 10 p.m.
Getting in a news story about something that happened at 9:15 p.m.
I call that “just doing your job.�
We do it every night in sports.
I wrote a commentary and a report card review of Monday night’s Giants-Cowboys game that didn’t end until almost 11 p.m.
Just doing my job.
Yet on the front page of the next morning’s paper, there was a teaser saying: “Eli Manning threw a 50-yard touchdown pass to Plaxico Burress on the fifth play of the game, and the New York Giants led the Dallas Cowboys 9-0 after the first quarter Monday.�
Well, at least they waited until the end of the first quarter to go to press.
In the old days, an editor would grab an employee by the throat and almost choke him in the middle of the newsroom if something like this happened.
Public butt-chewings happened every day.
Nowadays, we get critiques that read something like this:
“Marjorie spelled three words in a row right in her story on pretty guinea pigs today. Great job.�
Now, some people will read this and say I’m just an old coot living in black and white.
The world is quickly passing me by.
I say the “good old days� were pretty damn good.
Posted by at 8:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Nick's endorsments: Vote for Head
October 26, 2006Last Saturday, the paper announced its endorsements for all of the races anybody cares about in the Nov. 7 election.
Whatever you do, don’t bet on any of them.
The paper’s endorsement record sucks.
It’s almost like people read these endorsements just to find out whom not to vote for.
For example, the paper has wholeheartedly endorsed the last two school bond issues.
The people said “no� both times.
Once again, the paper is backing the WFISD.
And once again, the people will say “no thanks.�
I wrote my opinion on this in Wednesday’s blog, so if you give a rat’s ass about what I think, you can go back and read or re-read that.
Today I want to give my endorsements on all the races anybody cares about.
The bosses at the paper never invite me to their editorial board interviews in which candidates are quizzed about opinions on various issues..
So my endorsements are based more on ignorance than on inside knowledge -- which makes me much more in tune with the voters than the paper.
Before I give you my endorsements I must confess that thanks to George W. Bush, I now refuse to vote for any more Republicans for offices in which party affiliation matters.
Here goes:
U.S. Senator: Barbara Ann Radnofsky (Democrat). I have no idea who she is. But I always like the old Beach Boys song “Bar-bar-bar-- Barbara Ann.�
I have met Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson and like her. She was also pretty hot when she was a cheerleader at the University of Texas. But she has been kissing George’s butt too long. It’s time for a change.
U.S. Representative: Roger Waun (Democrat). I have had my fill with Mac Thornberry. I don’t care if Esquire magazine loves him. I’ll bet Playboy, Penthouse and Hustler can’t stand him. This guy voted for slaughtering horses. What kind of Texan does that?
Governor: Kinky Freidman. This is the one race I really have a passion for. Texas needs somebody like Kinky. All our past governors have been way too serious. We need to put some fun back into the Governor’s Mansion.
Lieutenant Governor: Willie Nelson. I will write in Willie because I think he would be a perfect partner for Kinky. Also, Willie admits having smoked dope at the White House. Now he can smoke it the Governor’s Mansion.
Attorney General: David Van Os (Democrat). I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Os.
State Comptroller: Fred Head (Democrat). Man, with a last time like Head, wouldn’t you have fun writing his campaign slogans?
Commissioner of the General Land Office: I didn’t even know we had such a job, but the Democrats have another great name in Valinda Hathcox.
Head and Hathcox would be a great president-vice president ticket..
Commissioner of Agriculture: Joe Brown. Write in Good old Joe. He knows more about farming than any of these imposters running for the job.
Railroad commissioner: Dale Henry (Democrat). I hope he will dim those train lights that blind me ever time I drive through Bellevue at night.
State Representative: David Farabee, I voted for Shirley Craft in the last election -- when I was still a Republican. If she were a Democrat or an independent, I would vote for her again. But I must stick with my anti-GOP stand.
County Judge: Woody Gossom. OK, so he says he is a Republican, but who cares what party the county judge is affiliated with?
County commissioner: Pat Norris. Good Burkburnett lady.
Posted by at 8:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Sorry, Nicholas, but grandpa has to vote 'no' to another school bond proposal
October 25, 2006For the third time in four years, I am going to vote “no� to a WFISD school bond proposal.
I really don’t want to, believe me.
I want my grandson to have the best education possible, and sometimes I feel like saying “no� to the school district is also saying “no� to little Nicholas.
Sorry, Nicholas, but grandpa just doesn’t trust these people with our money.
I didn’t trust them when the they wanted $121 million.
I didn’t trust them when it was $78 million.
And I still don’t trust them now that it has dropped to $60 million.
Just covering high school sports, I see so much waste of money in the WFISD.
I mean why do we need 13 football coaches for one high school?
Joe Golding won four state championships at Wichita Falls High with two assistant coaches.
Have times changed that much?
Do we really need year-round high school golf and tennis?
Do we really even need high school golf and tennis?
Do we really need freshman teams in all these sports?
Why not just JV and varsity?
The school district spends thousands and thousands of dollars on salaries and travel that I consider nothing but pure waste.
Kinda like having an assistant superintendent, huh?
As I read the school bond proposal story in the paper last Sunday, one thing caught my attention.
Do elementary schools really need gyms?
Unless it was raining or sleeting, we had recess outside every day.
Also, instead of building new elementary schools, how about this?
Turn our existing junior highs into elementary schools.
Turn our existing high schools into junior highs.
And build a couple of really nice modern high schools.
Now, wouldn’t I make a good superintendent?
The WFISD could hire me for about 80 percent of what they overpay Dawson Orr.
And I wouldn’t need an assistant superintendent.
Posted by at 8:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Divorce lawyers, beer companies and bookies were behind bringing us Monday Night Football
October 23, 2006Monday Night Football is now 37th year.
It is the second longest running prime time TV show -- two years younger than “60 Minutes.�
Since it started in 1970, more than 550 games have been shown on MNF.
So who really started this Monday night man thing?
(1.) ABC Sports and its president Roone Arledge.
(2,) NFL commissioner Pete Rozelle.
(3.) Divorce lawyers.
(4.) Beer companies. Also a major beneficiary.
(5.) Bookies. This added game gives all the losers a chance at double or nothing. It also gives the overconfident weekend winners a chance to come back to reality.
(6.) All of the above.
The answer is “6.�
But if you answered 3, 4 or 5, pat yourself on the back.
Divorce lawyers have definitely benefited from this extra night of football. How many wives have screamed “Who do you love most -- me or that damn football� on their way out the front door?
And if you have ever been at Parkway or Buffalo Wild Wings, you understand that Monday nights -- a slow time for the bars before 1970 -- is now prime time for us beer drinkers.
Gamblers also love this added game. It gives all the losers a chance at double or nothing. It also gives the overconfident weekend winners a chance to come back to reality.
These days I find it really hard to stay awake for whole Monday night game.
Last week, I gave up on the Bears and Cards early in the third quarter and missed seeing Arizona choke.
Tonight will be the first Monday night game I will see from start to finish.
That’s because I will be at Texas Stadium covering it.
There’s a big advantage to being a sports writer on Monday night.
One, you get paid to watch. Two, you will see the whole game. Three, you don’t have to listen to Joe Theismann.
Monday Night Football has had its good and bad announcers.
None have been worse than Theismann.
There have been 19 guys in the Monday Night booth.
How many can you name?
Howard Cosell, Don Meredith and Keith Jackson were there in 1970.
After one year, Jackson was dropped and Frank Gifford was added.
Since then, we have had Fred Williamson, Alex Karras, Fran Tarkenton, O.J. Simpson, Joe Namath, Lynn Swann, Al Michaels Dan Dierdorf, Boomer Esiason, Dan Fouts, Dennis Miller, John Madden, Mike Tirico, Joe Theismann and Tony Kornheiser.
The best were Cosell and Meredith.
Cosell almost didn’t make it through that first season.
Ford Motor Company was the main sponsor of MNF and Henry Ford II wanted Howard fired. ABC said no -- even though Cosell showed up drunk for one game and vomited on Meredith’s cowboy boots near the end of the half.
Meredith, the former Dallas Cowboys quarterback, had the best MNF one-liner of all during a game at the Astrodome. The Houston Oilers were getting their butts beaten and the cameras were scanning the crowd. When the camera focused on one disgruntled fans, he shot the finger.
And Meredith said something to the effect -- “That’s right, buddy. Your teams is No. 1.�
Meredith was drinking during a 1973 game in Kansas City and the following week while giving a pre-game analysis of a game in Denver, said: “We’re in the Mile High City, and I sure am,� referring to his use of pot. Later than same year, he called President Richard Nixon “Tricky Dick� and was not heard from the next three years.
Cosell and Meredith were so colorful and so good, everyone else seems drab compared to them.
ABC tried to re-discover some fun on Monday nights when it hired comedian Dennis Miller in 2000.
Miller was a bust, but it could have been worse. Rush Limbaugh was also considered that year -- how bad would that have been?
Enjoy the Giants-Cowboys tonight.
Muting Joe Theismann will make it much better.
Posted by at 8:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
MySpace can turn into MyDisgrace
October 20, 2006We are starting to get “letters to the editor “supporting the Wichita Falls cop suspended because of what he put on his MySpace.com Web page.
The backers of Jeremiah Love refer to his “exemplary record� as a lawman.
And, as you would expect, the media is to be blamed for all the attention given to this story.
Bull S……….
This story is not about whether Love was a good cop or a bad cop.
It’s about him being a stupid cop.
When your job is to protect the good guys from the bad guys, you don’t go online telling the world that you are a “super hero/serial killer� who likes to dine on human flesh.
In no way do I think this cop is a cannibal.
This is just an online masquerade party, but the pretending can get a guy in deep do-do.
Just ask Julia Wilson.
She is a 14-year-old girl with freckles on her nose and braces on her teeth.
But she recently made news when two Secret Service agents came to her school and pulled her out of class.
Julia had posted the words “Kill Bush� on MySpace above “a cartoonish photo-collage of a knife stabbing the hand of the president.�
I have a MySpace space.
But I don’t call myself Dr. Howie Feltersnatch or demand the castration of all gay Republicans.
My daughter has even ridiculed me for refusing to put my photo or blog on MySpace.
Truth is I didn’t even want a space.
The only reason I’m there is so I can read the blogs that my daughter writes on her space.
The day I joined MySpace, I got an instant friend -- Tom.
My first thought is: “Oh, crap, my kid tricked me into signing up for some gay chat room.�
(“Not that there’s anything wrong with that� -- as Seinfeld might say)
But Tom is Tom Anderson, the founder of MySpace.
Once you join, he automatically pops up on your “my friends� list.
MySpace is currently the third most popular Web site in the United States -- behind only Yahoo and Google.
So there are a lot of potential Jeremiah Loves and Julia Wilsons out there.
Big Brother is watching you folks.
Be careful.
Be smart.
Posted by at 8:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Apostle Paul wouldn't make a very good Baptist
October 19, 2006Ever since Gutenberg started printing Bibles, Baptists have been pounding people over the head with them.
They believe everything from God creating the world in six days to Armageddon.
And if you add or take away anything from the Bible -- well, my friend, you are in big, big trouble.
Here is the official belief of the Southern Baptist Convention.
“The Holy Bible was written by men divinely inspired and is God's revelation of Himself to man. It is a perfect treasure of divine instruction. It has God for its author, salvation for its end, and truth, without any mixture of error, for its matter. Therefore, all Scripture is totally true and trustworthy.�
That is word-for-word from the Baptist Faith and Message -- the Baptist constitution.
The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Being a Christian by faith and a Baptist by choice of church membership, I have no problem with that.
What I do have a problem with is when Baptist leaders pick and choose what is “truth.�
The trustees at Southwestern Baptist Seminary in Fort Worth -- a school attended by many church leaders in this area -- just ripped I Corinthians 14:39 right out of the Bible.
I Corinthians 14:39 says:
“So my dear brothers and sisters, be eager to prophesy, and don’t’ forbid speaking in tongues.�
After a preacher told a Seminary chapel service there that he sometimes speaks in tongues while praying privately, the trustees of the school -- in a 36-1 vote this week -- banned the speaking in tongues by any of its professors or administrators.
To quote Jesus:
‘Woe unto you, scribes and Baptists, hypocrites.�
(OK, I substituted “Baptists� for “Pharisees� to emphasize my point.)
How can you stress an Old Testament verse like Malachi 3:10 -- “Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse� -- and then just throw out a New Testament verse like I Corinthians 14:39?
Remember “All Scripture is totally true and trustworthy.�
In I Corinthians 14:18, the Apostle Paul wrote:
“I thank God that I speak in tongues more than any of you.�
Paul wrote 13 books in our New Testament.
But he couldn’t work at Southwestern Baptist Seminary.
Posted by at 8:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Zig-Zagging our way back to Vegas
October 18, 2006Once upon a time, Nevada had a monopoly on casino gambling.
Today, according to the American Gaming Association, 27 states have full casino operations.
Although Texas isn’t one of them, we here in Hooterville Falls only have to drive less than 20 miles to play blackjack, poker or the slots.
Those friendly Indians (I mean, Mustangs) over in Oklahoma will gladly take our money.
So why go to Vegas anymore?
There are no more $2 steak dinners.
No more $2 limit tables.
No more Rat Pack.
No more Siegfried and Roy.
Elvis is dead and so is Binny Binion.
My fourth wife and I got married in The Little Chapel by the Courthouse -- just two blocks down from the Golden Nugget.
And there ain’t going to be a No. 5.
So why go to Vegas anymore?
The lawmakers in Nevada have been asking themselves the same question.
The casinos are running out of gadgets.
And guys like me aren’t going to run through airports just to find a 99-cent shrimp cocktail.
Knowing that, Nevada is considering legalizing one more sin to lure you and me to Sin City.
Marijuana!
I’ll smoke to that.
If the voters approve it on Nov. 7, you and I can not only legally hold an ounce of pot, we can buy it from government-regulated smoke shops.
By next summer, pot shops may outnumber Starbucks in Vegas.
Can you imagine walking into a “candy store� atmosphere and saying:
“I’ll take a half ounce of Sincsemilla, a quarter ounce of Acapulco Gold and two Thai sticks.�
If this law passes, the lines at the Rio buffet are fixing to get a whole lot longer.
Or can you imagine sitting at a blackjack table and hearing the waitress ask: “Cocktails? Cocktails? Hashish?�
My answer: “Both please --- and can I also get $20 worth of those 99-cent shrimp cocktails?�
Great golf courses. Great buffets.
Prostitution. Gambling. Free cocktails.
And now marijuana.
Who the heck needs Elvis?
Posted by at 8:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Guided Tour of Hooterville Falls
October 17, 2006Some of the people in “Hooterville Falls� don’t like me calling our town “Hooterville Falls.�
But since I have spent most of 60 years living here, I think I have the right to call it anything I want to.
And “Hooterville Falls� certainly fits.
Just think about it -- if you wanted to take visitors on a guided tour of the Falls, what would you proudly show them?
Look to your right, folks, and you will see the famous Crappy Myrtle in the park.
Our city spent $50,000 to have that wonderful piece of art put here for people to laugh at and for birds to crap on.
Now, as we pass through what used to be the downtown area, we are getting close to the famous “Littlest Skyscraper.�
Please feel free to get out your cameras and take as many photos as you wish of this fabulous structure, which some say was built close to the ground so that Muslim terrorists would not even think about flying airplanes into it.
As we head south on I-44, as many cars and trucks do every day, you will get a breathtaking view of the “Chocolate Falls.�
A few years back people wanted to put the Falls back in Hooterville Falls, and this was the best we could do.
It’s your lucky day because today the fake Falls are actually on. Most of the time, there is no muddy water running out of it.
Now let’s drive down Scott Street.
As we make this journey, feel free to wave at all the crackhead hookers.
The dilapidated buildings on your left are the remains of the old Wilson Manufacturing plant.
Once a major industry here in Hooterville Falls, now it is a home for the homeless and a quick stop for hookers.
Here we are at 8th and Scott where you will get a great view of the Big Blue Bank, the pride and joy of our downtown area.
A few blocks down you will find the deserted Sears building, which takes up a whole city block and is now often used as a hiding place for motorcycle cops in the day. The roof is sometimes a hiding place for hookers and drug addicts.
Before our tour of Hooterville Falls ends, is there anything we might have missed that you would like to see?
“The pink floor at D.L. Ligon Coliseum?�
For a few weeks, it was a popular attraction on our tour but has now been repainted.
“The General Mills grain elevator.�
Sure, we can make that stop. It is now called Attebury. Don’t believe the old myth that this building was designed by the same artist who gave us the crappy myrtle in the park. Feel free to wave at the hobos who now live here.
“Any questions?’
No County Agent Kimble, Mr. Haney and Arnold Ziffel don’t live here.
Sorry -- but would you like to meet Jerry Luecke?
Posted by at 8:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
A Friday the 13th I can never forget
October 14, 2006Due to being called away on an “emergency� assignment (the SAFB/BCI golf tournament), I am writing my Friday the 13th blog on Saturday the 14th.
Please forgive me.
Some will tell you that Friday the 13th of October, 1967 was my lucky day.
But there were four guys in our car when it crashed just south of Jacksboro. The car hit a bar ditch and flipped four times. The other three guys walked away without a scratch. My right arm was underneath the car.
I still have noticeable scars on my arm and a 1967 skin graft on my right hand.
I haven’t been able to make a fist with that hand in 39 years.
The four of us were headed to Arlington for a Coyote football game. My friend – the driver of the car – had little experience, if any, in highway driving.
And it almost cost me my life.
We were just south of Jacksboro – officially Joplin, Texas. The road had just changed from four lanes to two lanes, and my buddy was driving on the shoulder with a truck on his left. He sped up to get around the truck and lost control of the car.
We were in the northbound lane, heading south, about to crash head-on into another car.
My friend turned the steering wheel and the car headed for a bar ditch.
When it hit –about 90 mph—it flipped in the air and turned over four times before landing on me.
They say at times like these, your whole life flashes before your eyes in a matter of seconds.
My Mama had been killed in a car crash five years earlier.
All I could think about during those few seconds was – I am going to die like her.
The highway patrol, my friends and a few other people helped pull the car off my arm. An ambulance came and took me to the Jacksboro hospital.
The doctor in Jacksboro called my Daddy and told him he might have to amputate my right arm.
Daddy called Dr. Edwin Bebb, who called the doctor in Jacksboro and told him to clean my arm and hand and then put me in an ambulance and get me back to Wichita Falls.
I came out of the anesthesia on Saturday afternoon, spent 24 days in the hospital, wrote left-handed for a month or two and then returned to a normal life.
Yes, maybe I was a lucky guy that day – although I would rather call it blessed.
I don’t suffer from paraskavedekatriaphobia – the fear of Friday the 13th – but I think about that car crash every time the day comes around.
And when Friday the 13th is in October, I think about it a whole lot more.
The next time that happens will be 2017.
Posted by at 8:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Sleeping with the stars
October 12, 2006Ruta Lee now has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
Can Peggy Cass and Charles Nelson Reilly be far behind?
If making movies like “Elvis and the Beauty Queen,� being a guest on “Love Boat� and sitting on the bottom row for “Hollywood Squares� can get you a star, well I may still have a chance.
After all, I do have a one-minute weekly radio show on the Buzz and I have been a guest on “Sports Central.�
When I saw in the paper this morning that Ruta had a star on that famous sidewalk, my first thought was:
Who did she sleep with?
Then I saw where she’s 70.
Hey, she’s a hot 70, but she’s still 70.
Do 70-year-old people still . . . .?
I hope so.
Then I found out that making the Hollywood Walk of Fame is no big deal.
There are 2,318 stars on that sidewalk, honoring five categories of entertainment -- TV, radio, live theater, movies and music.
Terry Bradshaw has a star.
Arsenio Hall was one.
So are the whole Osmond family and Big Bird and Pee Wee Herman and the Harlem Globetrotters.
Even our Hooterville Falls hometown hero, Tommy Tune, has a star.
The Walk of Fame is bogus -- a money-making Chamber of Commerce gimick.
How can you give David Hasselhoff’ and John Tesh each a star and snub Jack Elam?
This one-eyed cowboy was one of the best movie villains of all time?
And how can you put Ruta Lee’s name of the sidewalk and not have Bill Cullen?
He was host of just about every TV game show you can think of and did it for five decades.
OK, I’m off my soap box.
The Hollywood Walk of Fame in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater is different that the famous handprints and footprints
Those belong to REAL stars like John Wayne and Jimmy Stewart and Bing Crosby and Bette Davis and Marilyn Monroe and Darth Vader.
DARTH VADER?
Wonder who he slept with?
Posted by at 9:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Whatever you can do, we can do better
October 11, 2006If every crazy country in the world is going to have a nuclear bomb, then the United States is going to have to develop something much better and much more powerful.
Unless we wish to see New York City and Washington D.C. turn into Hiroshima and Nagasaki, we need to come up with a weapon that will destroy all the nuts with nuclear weapons.
May I suggest the Super Duper Selected Target Boomerang Bomb?
It would work like this:
Kim Jong II is having a bad hair day.
His egg drop soup is cold and the North Korean dictator decides to drop a nuclear bomb on the U.S.
The order is given and the missiles are fired.
But Mr. Jong didn’t know about the Super Duper Selected Target Boomerang Bomb.
Let's Roll!
Our new weapon intercepts the Korean missiles and re-directs 90 percent of them right back in Jong’s face. The other 10 percent are allowed to take out gay Republicans.
The “selected targeted� feature of our new invention allows only North Korea and GOP gays to be blown off the face of the earth,
South Korea is all of a sudden North Korea and South Korea.
The Republican Party is back in the hands of Jerry Falwell.
And there is peace in the valley until……………..
Iranian nutcase Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wakes up with an ingrown nose hair and decides to declare war on “The Great Satan.�
But Iran’s No. 1 idiot does not have the firepower than North Korea’s goofball had.
He’s more like Barney Fife.
Ahmadinejad gives the order that his only nuclear bullet be fired at the U.S.
Let's Roll.
We win.
We win.
Our boomerang bomb reflects his silly nuke bullet back in his face.
The selected target this time is Muslim extremists.
Twenty percent of the world’s population is blown to smithereens, but who’s going to miss them?
I sure won’t.
We take over the oilfields.
Gas goes down to a quarter a gallon.
Let freedom ring.
Posted by at 8:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Alaskans tell Chavez to stick it; we should too
October 10, 2006I am not a fan of George W. Bush.
In fact, after voting Republican in the last six presidential elections, I am switching parties.
And the main reason is Bush.
He’s the worst president since Jimmy Carter -- the guy who made me leave my Democratic roots and turn Republican 20 something years ago.
Freedom of speech gives us Americans the right to criticize Bush.
But, at the same time, I don’t like it when some commie president from Venezuela calls him “the devil� or a terrorist.
That’s what Hugo Chavez told the United Nations.
First of all, what kind of parents would name a kid Hugo?
No wonder he became a big-mouth commie dictator.
I had never heard of him until a year ago when Pat Robertson got criticized for saying we should kill him.
The 700 Club preacher with the bushy eyebrows accused Chavez of turning his oil-rich country into “a launching pad for communist infiltration and Muslim extremism all over the continent.
“If he thinks we’re trying to assassinate him, I think we really ought to go ahead and do it.�
Maybe Pat was right.
Screw Hugo Chavez.
And screw Citgo, the Texas-based oil subsidiary of the Venezuelan government.
I will not buy one more drop of gas from this company.
I will run out of gas before stopping at a Citgo -- even if they try to disguise it with the name “Stripes.�
It’s the least I can do when I see what some of my fellow Americans are doing up in Alaska.
These people told Chavez to stick it.
And they might all freeze to death for taking such a hard line stance against this commie.
You see they live along the windswept coast of the Bering Sea where the temperature sometimes dips to minus-15.
They live in plywood house.
About 25 percent of the villagers are out of work because of hard times for the salmon fishing industry and they can’t afford to pay $5 per gallon for oil or approximately $300 a month to heat their homes.
But they will freeze to death before accepting charity from Chavez, who has offered them free heating oil.
“As a citizen of this country, you can have your own opinion of the president and our country. But I don’t want a foreigner coming in her and bashing us,� one villager said, expressing the feeling of his neighbors. “Even though we’re in economically dire straits, it was the right choice to make.�
That makes my decision to not stop Citgo real easy.
Posted by at 9:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Hooterville Falls: Proud home of Nathan Biller
October 6, 2006Texas towns take great pride in their favorite sons and daughters.
Lubbock has Buddy Holly.
Vernon has Roy Orbison.
Abbot has Willie Nelson.
Poteet has George Strait.
Port Arthur has Janis Joplin.
Corpus Christi has Eva Longoria.
Denison has Dwight Eisenhower.
Uvalde has Matthew McConaughey and Dale Evans.
Mexia has Anna Nicole Smith.
(Ok, maybe some are some proud).
Drive through Oklahoma and you will see:
Okemah: “Home of Woody Guthrie.�
Henryetta: “Home of Jim Shoulders and Troy Aikman.�
Kingfisher: “Home of Sam Walton�
Gene Autry was actually born in Texas but moved to southern Oklahoma as an infant and now has a town named after him -- Gene Autry, Okla.
So what do we here in Hooterville Falls have to make us proud?
Well, now we are the home of the World Corny Dog Eating Contest.
I’m getting goose bumps just thinking about it, aren’t you?
Yep, the front page of our hometown paper had a story today telling us how Natan Biller gained fame by eating a dozen corny dogs in 10 minutes.
That’s big-time.
They say watching Biller take a whole corny dog into his mouth and chew it up was breathtaking.
His mouth looked like one of those old Laundromat washing machines where your wet clothes go around and around and slosh up and down.
Only with Biller, it was corn meal and whatever you they put in those cheap weenies.
Ummm, ummm good.
Ummm, ummm good.
But to me what is even more impressive is that this guy has won three beanie burger eating contests -- right here in Hooterville Falls.
The legend is he ate six of Stanley’s LARGE beanie burgers.
I’ll bet that would be a pretty picture.
Biller’s mouth filled up with hamburger meat, Fritos, nacho cheese, refried beans and jalapenos.
(Put a dirty diaper in a blender if wish to imagine what that would look like -- and I can’t imagine that you would.)
Biller has big goals.
He wants to make be ranked.
Do they really have rankings for this crap?
Yep, it’s called I.F.O.C.E. -- International Federation of Competitive Eating.
It ranks the top 50 eaters in the world.
Takeru Kobayashi of Nagano, Japan is No. 1.
He ate 17.7 pounds of cow brains in 15 minutes.
He ate 60 Krystal Square hamburgers in eight minutes.
And he ate 20 pounds of rice balls in 30 minutes.
But you may know him for winning six straight Fourth of July hot dog eating contests at Coney Island -- the World Series of eating.
This year he ate 53 3/4 hot dogs this year.
But Nagano, Japan is no more as proud of young Takeru as we here in Hooterville Falls are of Nathan Biller.
He is our hometown hero.
Let's name a street after him.
Put up a statue at MPEC.
Ore even better, at Stanley's.
Posted by at 9:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Cops and Rubbers
October 5, 2006Supreme Court rejects sex-toy case�
The headline in Tuesday’s paper got my attention.
It’s a story about how an adult bookstore employee in El Paso sued the state of Texas after he “was arrested for showing two undercover officers a device shaped like a penis.�
The employee told a female officer the device would “arouse and gratify her.�
Texas law outlaws the manufacture, marketing or dissemination of “obscene devices� including those shaped like sex organs.
In other words, you can buy a heavy-duty, super duper 20-inch wonder wand vibrating massager with six attachments that are soft-molded and curved to allow you “to reach those difficult to access places� ------
Just as long as it doesn’t look like a wee-wee.
But what’s really “OBSCENE� about this whole story is the fact that two undercover officers are working in an adult bookstore.
Isn’t there enough crime in this huge border town to give the police something better to do than shop for dildos?
A few years ago, my aunt showed me a clipping from a Dallas paper where her former preacher and a good friend of the family had been busted in an adult movie theater “for groping an undercover policeman.�
Again, here is another example of wasting our law enforcement resources.
Remember the morning meetings on “Hill Street Blues� where each cop was given his assignment for the day?
Can you imagine someone saying,
“Hey, Mick, go down to Peeping Tom Video and see if you can get groped by a pervert.�
“And you -- Joe and Lucy -- run over to DildosRus and see if you can buy a fake wee wee.�
Posted by at 9:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Three reasons kidnapping can be a good thing
October 4, 2006Lemuel and Julia Redd should be honored as “parents of the year.�
Instead, they are facing charges that could land them in prison for one to 15 years.
At least one in eight women out there wish they had parents like Lemuel and Julia.
I know of three women who I wished had parents who would do what the Redds did.
Ex Wife 1.
Ex Wife 2.
Ex Wife 3.
If their parents had saved them from me, it would have saved them and me a whole not of what Freddy Fender “wasted days and wasted nights.�
I battled MLS for close to 26 years and credit my survival on a whole lot of self-medication.
The MLS could have been avoided if the in-laws in my first three marriages had been like the Redds.
The Redds told their daughter Julianna they were going to pick up her wedding clothes.
But instead of heading north -- from Provo, Utah to Orem, Utah where the clothes were -- Lemuel headed south.
They drove 240 miles to Grand Junction, Colo.
Julianna said she thought about jumping from the van. It might be the only way she would ever see her true love, Perry Myers, again.
I’m betting a lot of divorced women out there would tell her she should have jumped.
At one point during the trip, Julianna had to pee.
Her parents escorted her to and from the restroom and forced her back in the van.
Perry, the smart college student he is, figured out something was wrong when his bride-to-be didn’t show up for the dinner engagement with him and his parents the night before the wedding.
Then she didn’t show up for the wedding the next day.
The Redds arrived back in Provo after missing the wedding.
But Perry was at their house waiting for them. Perry and Julianna ran off and got married three days later.
Her parents are a court date on second degree kidnapping charges later this month.
Personally, I think they should be honored in the Rose Garden of the White House.
Just think, ladies, how grateful you would be today if your parents had saved you from the jerk you married.
Or just think, guys, how much misery you could have avoided if there had been a Mr. and Mrs. Redd in your life.
I know I do.
It would have saved me from 26 years of MLS.
Posted by at 8:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Life in the slow lane surely makes you lose your mind
October 3, 2006The ATM is a great invention.
Now, would everybody learn how to use it.
I think I have wasted at least one full day out of my life waiting behind morons trying to get money out of an ATM machine.
I pull in the bank lane at 11 a.m.
The woman in front of me is in a beaten up 1975 Dodge Dart. She tries to stick her driver’s license or library card or Coyote card into the machine and can’t figure out why it won’t go in. Finally, the one flickering light bulb in her brain lights up and reminds her that she needs an ATM card to work an ATM machine.
Then, after putting the right card in, she has to spend several minutes trying to figure out what language she wants.
Dumb Redneck and Ebonics are not among the choices.
Confused, she accidentally hit Portuguese.
“Boa Vinda� flashes on the screen.
Again, she is completely lost.
So she tries to get her card out and can’t.
She panics and starts punching buttons.
Finally, the card comes out.
I look at my watch. It is now 10 minutes after 11.
By this time I have listened to both “Tequila Sunrise� and “Hotel California� on my Eagles CD.
'Relax,' said the night man,
We are programmed to receive.
You can checkout any time you like,
But you can never leave!�
Can never leave? That’s the way I’m starting to feel.
I see the woman putting her card back in.
"Take it easy, take it easy
Don't let the sound of your own wheels
Drive you crazy
Lighten up while you still can
Don't even try to understand
Just find a place to make your stand
And take it easy."
This time she gets lucky and hits English, a language also foreign to illiterates like herself, but at least not Portuguese.
Her husband told her to take out $30.
Her choices are $20, $40, $60, $80, $100.
No $30.
It is now 11:25.
I see her pulling out her cell phone.
She’ s using a lifeline. She’s calling her husband to find out what to do.
He tells her to get $40. So she punches $40.
A message comes on the screen: “Would you like a receipt?�
Why not. She pushes yes.
In a few seconds, the screen tells her: “Insufficient Funds.�
“Life in the fast lane
Surely make you lose your mind
Life in the fast lane.�
I am definitely not in the fast lane.
She is on the cell phone again.
It is 11:35.
Her husband tells her to just get $20.
She punches $20.
Again the machine asks, “Would you like a receipt?�
Again, she thinks why not and pushes yes.
In a seconds, another message comes on: “Take your cash.�
She takes the money and the card and the receipt from the machine.
It is now 11:45.
She sits there for a few more minutes.
What is she doing -- counting her money?
Hell, it is just one bill.
“Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone.�
Finally, at 11:55, the idiot drives away in the Dodge Dart -- $20 richer and 55 minutes poorer.
I pull up, hit English fast cash for $20, no receipt and start counting.
In 29 seconds, I am leaving with my money.
“You never thought you'd be alone this far
Down the line
And I know what's been on your mind
You're afraid it's all been wasted time."
Posted by at 9:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
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