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Why did February get short-changed?
February 28, 2007Today is the last day of the month.
Why?
Why isn’t Friday or Saturday the last day?
Why does February have just 28 days?
From the way I understand it, if things had gone as planned, tomorrow would have been the last day of February.
And that day, Feb. 29, would have been New Year’s Eve.
The original Roman calendar only had 10 months and 304 days.
Since a moon’s month is 29 1/2 days long and a sun’s year is 365 1/4 days long, the 10-month year just didn’t work.
Plus, everybody who bought a Hooter’s calendar got shortchanged four hooters.
So Julius Caesar -- years before he had a salad and a casino named after him -- came up with a calendar named after him.
The Julian Calendar added January and February at the end of the year with February getting 29 days.
If Julius had his way, tomorrow would be New Year’s Eve.
And we would be watching a lot of college football bowl games on March 1, which would really be confusing since March Madness is all about college basketball.
Well, Julius died and Augustus Caesar took over.
Augustus looked at his calendar and saw where July (the month named for Julius) had 31 days and August (the month named for him) had only 30.
That pissed off Augustus.
It wasn’t enough that he had a month and a lot of fried pies named after him, he wanted his month to have just as many days as Julius’ month.
So Augustus took one month away from February and added it to August.
Then later on somebody figured out that New Year’s Day should fall exactly one week after Christmas Day. And February was moved from the last month of the year to the second month of the year.
Now there has been talk of dumping our current calendar and coming up with a 13-month calendar in which every month has 28 days.
That idea stinks mainly because that only adds up to 364 days.
And then what if your birthday was on the 29th or the 30th or the 31st day of the month on our current calendar?
It just gets wiped off the calendar.
The bad part of February having just 28 days is that all of your monthly bills show up in the mail box a whole lot quicker than they do the rest of the year.
So who were some of the most famous people born on this day?
Bugsy Siegel -- the guy responsible for giving us Las Vegas -- was born on Feb. 28, 1906.
Smokey The Bear was born in 1928; Love Boat captain Gavin MacLeod was born in 1931 and Wichita Falls own Tommy Tune is celebrating his 68th birthday today.
Famous deaths on this day are:
Jim Thorpe in 1953 and Mr. Ed in 1979.
Not many big events happened on this day -- unless you consider the discovery of nylon a big event.
But in 1983, 125 million viewers sat in front of their TV sets and watched the final episode of MASH.
Posted by at 8:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
The Departed -- a "best picture" I really liked
February 26, 2007Sorry about the lateness of this blog, but a computer virus ate my homework.
I didn’t watch any of the Oscars last night.
No pre-Oscars and no post-Oscars.
I really don’t care what kind of underwear any of the stars were wearing.
The only real part of the Oscars that I like is the “dead people� tribute.
We lost some great ones last year -- Don Knotts, without doubt, the biggest.
“The Ghost and Mr. Chicken�
“The Incredible Mr. Limpet.�
“The Shakiest Gun in the West.�
Hey, the Academy could have given old Barney an Oscar for any of those.
Btu Rex Harrison in My Fair Lady beat Mr. Chicken; Paul Scofield in A Man For All Seasons beat Mr. Limpet and Cliff Robertson in Charly beat old Shaky to the draw.
So as brilliant of actor as he was, Don Knotts went to his grave Oscar-less.
He had to die to even be recognized on Oscar night.
I did come here to bitch.
I came here to praise the voters for not screwing up like they usually do.
“Crash?� Give me a break.
“Shakespeare In Love?� I’d rather see him in heat.
“The English Patient?� Gag.
But this year they got it right -- sorta.
I would have voted for Little Miss Sunshine, but The Departed was one heckuva flick.
While most everyone else was watching the Oscars last night, I was watching the Oscar winner.
Nobody plays Jack Nicholson better than Jack Nicholson.
That’s all Frank Costello was -- Nicholson without courtside seats for the Lakers.
As for Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio -- are they the same person?
These two look-alikes should not be in the same movie -- it’s too confusing.
And it’s really hard to tell them apart when they both have a bullet hole in their head.
The lawyer chick in the movie had it figured out -- one could, one couldn’t.
By the way, what happened to her at the end?
Did I miss something?
Who was left alive in this movie?
Alex Baldwin and Mark Wahlberg and maybe the lawyer chick.
There will be no sequel.
And I loved the way they killed Martin Sheen -- send him flying off a building right at the feet of DiCaprio (or was it Damon?)
Posted by at 3:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
The things you can learn on a bathroom wall
February 23, 2007All of my life I have been going to the bathroom and all my life, guys have been writing nasty stuff on bathroom walls.
My first encounter with the f-word was on the wall of the boys’ bathroom at Austin Elementary School.
I can understand why little boys in grade schools write such things.
First of all, we are in school where you are made to bring pencils and pens.
And second, all of these bad words are new to you. You don’t even know what some of them mean, but writing them on the wall is cool.
And cool is important to a little kid.
Most of those little boys grow up.
But some never do.
That’s evident on bathroom walls all over America.
This is not Shakespeare on these walls either.
“Want you bleep bleeped? Call 691-6969.�
You get a lot of that in bar bathrooms.
Some guys like to draw pictures of all kinds of private body parts on the walls.
A few are even pretty good, but it makes you wonder.
How much time did this guy spend in this stinky, nasty place to draw all that?
The best work is at gas stations and convenience stores along major highways.
But it’s not just gas stations and bars that you find such prose and art.
The bookstore in our mall used to be a place where these great writers and painters gathered.
It got so bad that they had to sandblast the wall above the urinal.
I personally have never written or drawn nasty things on a bathroom wall.
But, remember, I have my own blog to do that.
Two questions:
1. Is this an American thing? Have you ever seen nasty words and drawings on bathroom walls in other countries?
2. Is this only a guy thing? Does this stuff show up in the ladies’ room, too?
Just wondering.
Posted by at 8:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
"Texas-Style Banking?" Be careful what you ask for
February 22, 2007The 5-column ad on page 3A of our Wednesday paper read:
“Want Banking ‘Texas-Style?’ Come See Us.�
It was an ad for Fidelity Bank.
Then sometime after lunch that same day, a man came and saw them.
He left them with a bag full of money and hasn’t been since.
The moral of this story: Be careful what you ask for.
“Texas-Style� Banking doesn’t just mean saying “Howdy partner� and “Thank you, mamn.�
Jesse James and his brother Frank banked “Texas-Style.�
So did Bonnie and Clyde.
But I thought bank robbing went out with Patty Hearst and her Symbionese Liberation Army friends.
In this computer-age, crooks have better, more easier, ways to steal -- like identity theft.
Guys like John Dillinger and Pretty Boy Floyd would have a hard time making a living robbing banks in this 21st Century.
A couple of nuts in California found that out a few years ago when they walked into the Bank of America in North Hollywood.
Armed with AK-47 rifles, they pulled a Dog Day Afternoon, taking hostages inside the bank.
They later got into a shootout with the police.
One committed suicide. The other died with 29 bullet holes in him.
Our Fidelity Bank guy just walked away.
As I read the bank robbery story in the paper this morning, I imagined that Mayberry bank where the security guard is an old man with a rifle asleep in his chair by the door. The bank gets robbed and the old guy never stops snoring.
The next thing I thought about was those little alarm buttons on the floor that cashiers can step on to call the police.
You see them all the time on TV shows and in the movies.
Did Fidelity not have any?
The story also said the robber used a note.
That reminds me of Woody Allen in the movie “Take the Money and Run� where he and the cashier and later he and the bank president argue over whether his note says: “I’ve got a gun� or “I’ve got a gub.�
Obviously our Hooterville Falls “Texas-style� bank robber had a “gub.�
Our bank robber was also wearing a red-and-white checkered shirt and a dark bandana.
How many guys have you ever seen walking down 8th Street dressed like that?
I expect the robber to be arrested sometime today.
But you never know. Remember not that long ago, when a bank in Archer City was robbed in broad daylight by a guy who was eating lunch in the café and talking with townspeople just before the robbery.
The guy was reportedly about 6-foot-6. He robbed the bank, walked away and has never been seen again.
I don't think he was wearing a red-and-white checkered shirt and a dark bandana.
Posted by at 8:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Stretch Cunningham now Daddy Dearest on "24"
February 21, 2007Don’t expect Phillip Bauer to get any votes for “father of the year.�
First off, he murders his son Graem with a full dose of hyoscine-penothal.
Then he takes his grandson Josh hostage and threatens to kill him if his daughter-in-law (dead son’s wife Marilyn) doesn’t lead his second son to a house in which a bomb has been planted that will soon explode and blow up Jack Bauer.
That means no Father’s Day card for Daddy Dearest next June.
In the first 10 hours of the sixth season of “24,� Phillip Bauer has quickly become the most intriguing character.
Daddy Dearest is played by actor James Cromwell, whom we first met as Stretch Cunningham in “All in the Family.� He was also the nerdy father in “Revenge of the Nerds,� the warden in the remake of “The Longest Yard� and a regular in the final couple of years of “Six Feet Under.�
He got an Oscar nomination for his role of a farmer in the movie “Babe,� which I did not see and also had a role in several Star Treks, which I also never watched.
But I have watched the last 10 hours of “24,� including this week when Daddy Dearest tried to kill his terrorism-fighting son Jack.
But Jack escapes his trap.
To quote the great Gomer Pyle, “Surprise, surprise.�
The show is called “24,� not “10.�
What would the final 14 hours of the day be like with no Jack Bauer?
When Daddy Dearest learns that Jack has escaped, he orders his henchmen to kill his daughter-in-law.
Where was Grandpa Phillip in episodes 1 and 2 when we had to put up with Jack’s stupid daughter, Kim?
Jack saves his sister-in-law with a couple of well-placed bullets into the heads of a couple of henchmen.
Then he offers himself as a hostage replacement for his nephew.
The kids gets away and now we have Uncle Jack on his knees with Daddy Dearest pointing a gun at his head.
Jack apologizes for only giving him a cheap pair of socks for Christmas and not spending enough time fishing with his brother.
During the apology, Daddy splits.
But he leaves a cell phone with a number for Jack to call.
Guess who is on the other line?
That sorry former President Charles Logan, who -- along with Phillip and Graem -- was behind the assassination of President David Palmer (who really didn’t die, but got a job selling All-State Insurance.)
If you are not watching the sixth season of “24,� then shame on you.
I now play poker every Monday night, so I have to record each episode and watch it on Tuesday, but if you tune into this blog every Wednesday, we can discuss what happening in TV’s best show.
Does Jack have another brother for Daddy to kill?
Where is Mama Bauer?
How boring is Bill Buchanan?
Will Jack do Marilyn?
Will Jack do Chloe?
You tell me what you think will happen in these next 14 hours.
Posted by at 8:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Come on, C.W., close Carl's Jr.
February 20, 2007My editor, Carroll Wilson, has gained the reputation as a “restaurant murderer.�
He supposedly kicked the living chalupa out of Ruby Tequila and is now out to slam the door on one Taco Bell location.
So, C.W., while you are at it, would you please stick a knife in Carl’s Jr?
My mama and daddy were slaves of the restaurant business and my daughter worked for 11 years in fast food -- so I have more of an understanding for people in this profession than most of you.
My friends even say that I have a thing for waitresses. Can’t argue with that.
I can take a little incompetence or even a little lack of courtesy because these are not fun jobs and the pay really sucks.
But it just went too far at Carl’s Jr. on Sunday.
I was really hungry for biscuits and gravy, and Carl makes really good ones.
So the wife and I drove down to the 14th-Broad location to eat breakfast.
This Carl’s Jr is located right next to the bus station. A bus passing through town had just unloaded and provided Carl with a lot of business.
But I wanted those biscuits and gravy and decided to wait it out.
We drank hot water disguised as coffee and waited it out.
And we waited.
And we waited.
And we waited.
That first bus was probably passing through Henrietta when I finally started getting really pissed.
Other people who had come in and ordered food long after we had were being served.
And we waited.
Finally, I went to the counter and asked to speak to Carl Sr.
The kid working there didn’t get it, so I told him I had sat there and watched two buses go through and now all I wanted was my money back.
“What did you order?� the kid working there asked.
“Biscuits and gravy, but it doesn’t matter. I lost my appetite. Just give me my money back,� I said.
He went and got the manager, and I had to repeat to her what I just said to him.
She acted like she could care less -- went to the cash register, took about five more minutes to figure out how much she owed me and then handed me my $8.06.
Not an “I’m sorry� or a “Kiss my butt� or anything.
So I will never, never, never, neverevereverevereverever go to that Carl’s Jr.
As long as there is a bus station next door, this Carl’s Jr. will always be in business.
You don’t have to clean and courteous and serve real coffee when most of your customers are just passing through town and will never come back.
So this is a big challenge even to CW the “restaurant murderer.�
After that really bad experience on Sunday morning, I had a really nice one later that night.
Needing a strong margarita to help me get over the Carl’s Jr. trauma, I stopped in to the Braum’s on Jacksboro Highway about 9:30 to get a bag of ice.
They were out of ice, but a nice guy named Stephen told me not to worry, he would go make me a bag.
Stephen was as courteous as the Carl’s Jr. people had been uncourteous.
So guess where I’m going the next time I have an urge for biscuits and gravy?
Yep, I’m now a Braum’s guy.
Posted by at 8:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Zsa Zsa and her 'prince:' A fairy tale story
February 16, 2007Zsa Zsa Gabor had an acting career that spanned 44 years.
Name one movie she was in.
And while, you’re at it, name one TV show she was in (guest appearances with Johnny Carson not accepted).
If any of you are thinking “Green Acres� as an answer to part two of my question, forget it.
That was Zsa Zsa’s younger sister Eva.
The truth is Zsa Zsa made a living being Zsa Zsa.
Had her name been Myrtle Gabor, you might not have ever heard of her.
At one time, though, she was beautiful.
But still, he was better known for being goofy.
He has been married nine times -- although once when she was married to two men at the same time.
Her most famous husbands was No. 2 Conrad Hilton, the hotel dude, and No. George Sanders, the actor.
And of course her current hubby, Frederick Prinz von Anhalt, is now in the news after being one of six men claiming to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby girl.
Zsa Zsa is best known for her many Carson appearances.
The most famous of those appearances didn’t ever happen. But it became urban legend.
I’m not going to go into detail about the “pet my pussy� story, but if you want to know more, check out http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/zsazsa.asp
Zsa Zsa’s second most famous moment came when she slapped a Beverly Hills Cop back in 1989 after being stopped for a traffic violation.
After being sentenced to three days in jail, she claimed that she did not get a fair trial with a jury of her peers.
“It was not my class of people,� she said.
Another good Zsa Zsa story is how she lost her virginity.
She claims she was 20 years old and gave it up to the 51-year-old ruler of Turkey.
Trouble is, she was married to her first husband at the time this was supposed to have happened.
Either there was no honeymoon or Zsa Zsa’s a liar.
Now there is no doubt that her current husband is.
Although he claims to be a prince, it has been reported that he has no royal blood, but only bought the title in a business transaction with a bankrupt princess.
He has used that title to make Zsa Zsa the “princess� she always wanted to be, and, according to him, to get in Anna Nicole’s pants because she told him she always wanted to be a princess.
Prince -- the singer/guitarist -- could have a party with girls like these -- if he liked girls.
OK, I’m almost finished.
Could you answer either of my two questions?
Well, Zsa Zsa did appear in more than 75 movies -- including “Frankenstein’s Great Aunt Tillie.�
You have to rent that one. (Just kidding.)
And among her TV roles was “Pee Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special.�
If he had been Prince Pee Wee, he could have married been husband No. 10.
Posted by at 8:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Hooters finally coming to Hooterville Falls
February 15, 2007If you can really believe everything you read in our paper, Hooterville Falls will soon have its very own Hooters.
They said it couldn’t happen:
“Those Baptists won’t stand for it.�
“The feminists will protest it.?�
“Hooterville doesn’t have enough hot chicks with hooters.�
“Decatur will get a Hooters before we do.�
Well, I’m officially a Baptist and I love Hooters.
I am not a feminist, nor never will be.
I bet our Hooterville chicks are as hot and hooterful as the girls of Odessa.
Decatur has a Dairy Queen and a Jack in the Box. We have a Hooters. We win
Better get in line, though.
I’m betting there will be a long, long wait to get in our Hooters once it opens -- even though it is going in on the north side of town.
The bet here is within a year of the opening of Hooters in Hooterville Falls, there will be announcing a second location.
The southwest part of town, of course, is prime real estate, but I would like to see a Hooters somewhere close to the KYC.
I love the West End Hooters in Dallas that shuttles you back and forth to the American Airlines Center for Stars and Mavericks games.
If you’re looking for family values and wholesome home-style goodness, try Luby’s.
If you’re looking for a really good burger, try Pat’s.
If wings are your thing, go to Buffalo Wild Wings.
But if you prefer sexy young women in tight shirts and shorts serving cold beer, Hooters is your place.
The scenery is better than the food, but I do recommend the grouper sandwich.
NOT GROPER.
That will get you tossed out pretty quick.
AND NOT GROUPIES.
A grouper is a fish and the grouper sandwich is really good at Hooters.
Some things you may not know about Hooters:
(1.) The first one opened in Clearwater, Fla., on Oct. 4, 1983.
(2.) There are now 435 Hooters in 46 states and 20 countries.
(3.) There are 41 in Texas.
I am ready for 42.
Get in line. I’ll see you there.
Posted by at 8:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Love is in the air; or is that just smog?
February 14, 2007Not long after my daughter joined the “boyfriend a day� club in junior high school, she asked me “what is love?�
That’s about like asking Sonny Bono how to ski.
Or Wiley Post how to fly.
I was an “official� three-time loser at the time -- and that’s just counting three marriages.
I had “loved� and lost several other times that weren’t “official.�
But I gave her my answer this way.
“Imagine if someone had a gun pointed at you and your boyfriend/husband. He tells you he only has one bullet and lets you decide who gets shot. If you say “shoot me,� that’s love.�
For the first 53 years of my life, it would have been an easy choice for me.
“Shoot her.�
(And there were a few times, I might have even said: “Let me shoot her.�)
Today, I can honestly say I love my wife.
But I can also probably honestly say I didn’t love her when I married her.
I think you have to really get to know someone and experience the ups and downs of life and a relationship to “fall in love.�
Everything before that is just infatuation or fake love.
I met my wife Jenee’ 34 years ago.
We were both students at Midwestern.
I was 26 and just divorced from my first marriage.
She was 18 and just out of high school.
Not long into the relationship, she asked me to tell her I love her.
I couldn’t.
So she said “get lost.�
Soon after that, she married someone she didn’t love.
Then on Jan. 14, 2000, we found each other again.
Both of us had gone through some really rocky relationships.
But if I had told her “I love you� way back then, we wouldn’t have worked.
And although I have now admitted to you that I didn’t love her when I married her, I did want to fall in love with her.
And I did.
Today, she is my soulmate.
I think I finally got it right.
But as my Valentine’s gift to all the others, this song is for you:
To all the girls I've loved before
Who traveled in and out my door
I'm glad they came along
I dedicate this song
To all the girls I've loved before
To all the girls I once caressed
And may I say I've held the best
For helping me to grow
I owe a lot I know
To all the girls I've loved before
The winds of change are always blowing
And every time I try to stay
The winds of change continue blowing
And they just carry me away
To all the girls who shared my life
Who now are someone else's wives
I'm glad they came along
I dedicate this song
To all the girls I've loved before
To all the girls who cared for me
Who filled my nights with ecstasy
They live within my heart
I'll always be a part
Of all the girls I've loved before
The winds of change are always blowing
And every time I try to stay
The winds of change continue blowing
And they just carry me away
To all the girls I’ve loved before
Who traveled in and out my doors
I’m glad they came along
I dedicate this song
To all the girls I've loved before
Posted by at 9:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Why can't I have a concubine?
February 13, 2007When I was a kid, nobody except us kids ever talked about sex.
It was hush-hush at home.
It was hush-hush in school.
And it was most certainly hush-hush in church.
The preacher not only didn’t talk about sex, he probably never had sex.
And if he did, he wore a suit and tie while doing it.
But all of us kids knew the rules.
It was Thou Shalt Not Do It.
So it was kinda strange last Sunday when my preacher started talking about sex from the pulpit.
About time.
I am 60 years old.
But the rules haven’t changed.
It’s still: Thou Shalt Not Do It.
Sorry, Tim, but I broke that commandment 43 years ago.
Shattered it in fact.
But, preacher man, I have never coveted my neighbor’s ox.
So give me a break.
I’m sure abstinence was much easier in the days of Queen Victoria than it is now in the days of Victoria’s Secret.
Even here in the center of the Bible Belt, our mall is a sea of cleavage and butt.
But the preacher is right.
Sex should be something that is saved for marriage.
Make love, not whoopee.
Still, I have one big question.
If God really believes that, what’s with all those concubines in the Old Testament?
The simple definition of concubine is “a woman living with a man whom she is not legally married to.�
Abraham had concubines.
David had concubines.
Solomon had concubines.
Heck, just about everybody had a few girls on the side, and I can’t find any place where God told them they couldn’t.
Instead, he blessed them.
Solomon was blessed with great wisdom, but he had 700 wives and 300 concubines.
Those are Wilt Chamberlain numbers.
What did Solomon tell his women the morning after: “See you in a couple of years?�
Concubines were apparently socially accepted.
The offspring were not considered to be bastards, but they were also not heirs to the male.
Nowadays, concubines are a no-no for our leaders.
Bill Clinton almost got thrown out of the White House for having a fling with Monica.
An affair with Donna Rice ended Gary Hart’s chances of ever being president.
But although times change and we change, God is not supposed to change.
So someone please explain to me -- why can’t I have a concubine (or 300)?
Posted by at 8:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
The golden oldie Grammys
February 12, 2007I didn’t watch the Grammys last night.
That’s 47 in a row I have now missed.
It’s not that I don’t love music, it’s just that I don’t know the songs or the singers or the bands anymore.
Sorry, but I wouldn’t walk across the street to see Justin Timberlake.
Never heard of the Flaming Lips or the Artic Monkeys.
Ludacris? No.
Busta Rhymes? Nada.
I do admit the Dixie Chicks have come a long way.
It hasn’t been that long ago that they were singing for small change down at Little Brothers on 15th and Lamar.
And I was in Vegas once when they gave a free downtown concert on Fremont Street.
I promised I would never be my Dad -- so I have nothing bad to say against any of today’s music stars. And I won’t criticize any of you for liking them.
It’s just that I’m a golden oldies type of guy. In my opinion, the best music was between 1955 and 1975.
So today, I am going to give you Nicky’s Grammys -- my personal best in those golden years.
The nominees are for best rock group are:
1. Beatles.
2. Beach Boys.
3. Eagles
4. Moody Blues
5. Rolling Stones.
And the winner is: Rolling Stones.
These guys have been going strong now five decades. And they are still good.
The nominees for best individual rock star are:
1. Cher
2. Eric Clapton
3. Bob Dylan
4. Jerry Lee Lewis
5. Elvis Presley
And the winner is: Elvis -- they don’t call him King for nothing.
The nominees for best rock song are:
1. Hotel California (Eagles)
2. Imagine (John Lennon)
3. Mustang Sally (Wilson Pickett)
4. Stairway to Heaven (Led Zeppelin)
5. Tears in Heaven (Eric Clapton)
And the winner is: Stairway to Heaven (in a close race with Hotel California)
The nominees for best rock album are:
1. Are You Experienced (Jimi Hendrix)
2. Beatles White Album
3. Let it Be (Beatles)
4. Let it Bleed (Rolling Stones)
5. Question of Balance (Moody Blues)
And the winner is: Are you Experienced (Imagine the Super Bowl halftime Hendrix would have given us)
And now for my country favorites.
The nominees for best country singer are:
1. Johnny Cash
2. Patsy Cline
3. Merle Haggard
4. Waylon Jennings
5. Willie Nelson
And the winner is: Willie Nelson
The nominees for best country song are:
1. Crazy (Patsy Cline/Willie Nelson)
2. Family Tradition (Hank Williams Jr.)
3. Mama, Don’t Let your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys (Willie)
4. Never Even Call Me By My Name (David Allen Coe)
5. Today I Stared Loving You Again (George Jones)
And the winner is: Family Tradition: this is one of the great beer joint songs of all time.
The nominees for best country album are:
1. At Folsom Prison (Johnny Cash)
2. Okie from Muskogee (Merle Haggard)
3. Outlaws (Willie, Waylon, Jessi Colter and Tompall Glaser)
4. Red Headed Stranger (Willie Nelson)
5. Ride With Bob (Asleep at the Wheel)
The winner is Red Headed Stranger. I rocked both of my kids to sleep with this album. And they both hate country music.
Did you agree or disagree with my Grammys?
Posted by at 8:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Anna Nicole never became "the next Marilyn"
February 9, 2007Norma Jean and Vickie Lynn did have some things in common.
They were both blondes.
They were both in movies.
They were both Playboy centerfolds.
They’re both dead.
Norma Jean Baker -- aka Marilyn Monroe -- died at age 36 of a drug overdose.
Vickie Lynn Hogan -- aka Anna Nicole Smith -- was 39 when she died yesterday. And drugs most likely had something to do with here death.
Anna Nicole, they say, always wanted to be the next Marilyn.
I don’t think she ever got there.
Oh, those 38 DD’s of hers were impressive, but they made her more like Jayne Mansfield (40D) than Marilyn (38C).
Marilyn never married an old coot with half a billion dollars in his wallet.
But Anna Nicole never married Joltin’ Joe DiMaggio.
Marilyn also never hired a lawyer/lover named Howard Stern.
What’s up with that?
And when Anna Nicole got goofy on the American Music Awards show three years ago, she drew the same kind of attention that Marilyn did with her “Happy Birthday, Mr. President� scene for JFK.
But the two things that separates Marilyn from Anna Nicole are:
(1.) Marilyn was cool. Anna Nicole was a nut.
When those nude photos of her came out in 1953, a newspaper reporter asked Marilyn what she had on during the photo shoot.
She said “the radio.�
Then he tried to clarify himself by asking her what she wore in bed.
She said “Chanel No. 5.�
Anna Nicole was never that witty.
(2.) Marilyn Monroe was an actress. Anna Nicole only made movies.
I fell in love with Marilyn when I was 6 years old.
My mama took me to the movies to see “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.�
Marilyn Monroe -- in the sexy role of Lorelei Lee -- gave me my first……h
No, I better not say it.
Marilyn Monroe, although she started getting a lot of comedy roles as dizzy blondes, really could act. She made 28 movies in her short time on this earth and won a couple of Golden Globes.
Anna Nicole was only a stripper who made movies -- seven of them to be exact.
I saw one of them, “Naked Gun 33 1/3,� but don’t remember her.
Both died too soon.
Both died sadly and suddenly.
I cried for Marilyn.
Sorry, Anna Nicole.
Posted by at 8:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Now on 24-hour TV: "I Love Lisa"
February 8, 2007Wednesday was a really busy sports day for me, so I didn’t watch one minute of news all day.
So tell me, how did all the networks handle second-day coverage of the strange story of Lisa Nowak?
Couldn’t find a word about it in the Times Record (News?) this morning.
My paper chose to cover “good news� stories about old women, champion steers and barbecue joints. The hot news of the day was school controversy in the metropolis of Prairie Valley.
I’m sure the networks took quite the opposite approach.
A female astronaut charged with attempted murder of another woman in a possible romantic triangle with another astronaut?
And then throw in the diapers deal and you’ve got a story made for the 24-hour news channels.
Although I didn’t see any of it, I imagine here was what Wednesday was like on the boob tube.
7 a.m.: The early morning shows are all over this.
Several astronauts are interviewed.
Neil Armstrong comes on the Today Show and tells Meredith Vierira he wears a Depend.
Buzz Aldrin admits on the Good Morning Show that he took a leak on the moon.
In an exclusive interview with Katie Couric, John Glenn says he may be 85, but he still thinks Lisa is hot. And he also tells Katie he thought her Super Bowl hair-do was sexy.
9 a.m.: Every astronaut on the Discovery STS-121 mission with Lisa Nowak and William Oefelein admit that the couple was especially close during their July space shuttle flight. They once shared some packaged spaghetti together and looked like that alley scene from Lady and the Tramp.
10 a.m.: Two teachers at C.W. Woodward High School in Rockville, Md., tell CNN that Lisa was a really smart girl, who excelled at science and math.
11 a.m.: An employee of Wal Mart in Houston tells MSNBC he remembers selling Lisa a BB gun a few days ago. He says he asked for the Red Ryder model.
Noon: Fox News finds husband Richard Nowak who admits he and his wife separated last month and he doesn’t know where his 14-year-old son and 6-year-old twin daughters are.
1 p.m.: CNN finds the three kids at Chuck E Cheese in south Houston. When interrupted from a game of skee ball, the boy says. “My mom did what?�
2 p.m.: CBS breaks in during “Guiding Light� to reveal that Katie Couric has located Lisa’s priest and will have an exclusive interview with him on the CBS Evening News.
3 p.m.: Dr. Phil comes on CNN and diagnoses Lisa as either bi-polar or “just weirder than hell.�
4 p.m.: CNN talks to the head of NASA and he maintains that potential astronauts are thoroughly scrutinized before being chosen.
5 p.m.: Katie’s exclusive with Lisa’s priest, who says he really didn’t know much about her but had a lot of close contact with her 14-year-old son.
6 p.m. CNN locates William Oefelein’s parents in Alaska. But their lips were frozen shut and the interview was postponed.
7 p.m.: Nancy Grace does the first interview with Alfred and Jane Caputo -- Lisa’s parents. “She was always a good girl,� they both tell Nancy, who then provides them with video showing Lisa flashing her boobs in “Girls Gone Wild.�
“Well, how do you dysfunctional excuse for parents explain that?� Grace shouts in their faces.
7 p.m.: At the same time, Bill O’Reilly has an interview with Oefelein, who admits to having video of him and Lisa having sex. He plans to release it on DVD by Friday.
8 p.m. Sean Hannity tells the world that Lisa is a Democrat, voted for Kerry and is against the war in Iraq. He then proclaims he needs to serve at least 25 years in prison for her crime.
Alan Colmes responds: “But…..
And is immediately interrupted by Hannity who interviews Ann Coulter for the next 55 minutes.
9 p.m. Greta Van Susteren says she is moving out of the home of Natalee Holloway’s parents and moving in with Lisa’s parents in Maryland.
She interviews Lisa’s next door neighbor, who admits to window peeping on her several times.
10 p.m. Oefelien’s parents now have their lips thawed out and tell CNN that Lisa broke up their son’s marriage.
11 p.m. David Letterman finds an Eskimo man in Alaska who says Oefelien is gay and he has pictures.
Midnight: For everyone still awake, Lisa’s “Girls Gone Wild� episode is on Channel 36.
Good night.
Posted by at 9:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Wet tee shirts are cool; wet diapers aren't
February 7, 2007A jealous female astronaut and mother of three packs a BB gun, a knife, a steel mallet, some pepper spray and drives 900 miles to “talk� to a woman she thinks has a thing for a fellow astronaut.
She puts on a disguise and stalks the woman on an airport shuttle bus, follows her to her car and then begins shooting pepper spray into the car.
You might just think that Lisa Nowak wanted to be more than just friends with fellow astronaut Bill Oefelein -- the third person in this weird triangle.
But that’s just the start of this story.
The really weird part doesn’t show up until the 19th paragraph.
It is there we learn that Lisa drove the 900 miles from Houston to Orlando wearing diapers so she would not have to stop and use the bathroom.
Two of the things in life that I really try to avoid in life are:
1. Port-a-potties -- especially those in airplanes.
2. That nasty bathroom in most any Alsups -- especially the one in Decatur.
But as awful as those places are, I can’t see myself strapping on a diaper to avoid them.
I would get no satisfaction driving past the Alsups in Decatur with a wet diaper.
And there is nothing about a woman in a Depend that turns me on.
Wet tee shirts are cool.
Wet diapers aren’t.
As more extra famous as this story is going to make Lisa Nowak, I can’t imagine Playboy or Penthouse offering her millions of dollars to do a centerfold in a pair of “Oops, I Pooped My Pants.�
I understand that astronauts sometimes wear diapers in space.
Does that mean that Neil Armstrong took that “giant leap for mankind� or that Alan Shepard hit that famous 6-iron shoot on the moon wearing pee pads?
Golden Globe-winning actress June Allyson made movies with such leading men as Jimmy Stewart, William Holden, Alan Ladd, Peter Lawford and James Cagney -- but she may be better known for being the “Depend lady.�
She spent the last 20-plus years of her life as the TV commercial spokeswoman for adult diapers.
Now, I guess, Lisa Nowak can get that job.
She’s got the Right Stuff for it.
Posted by at 8:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Coming soon: Cinderella 6
February 6, 2007Cinderella 3 comes out on DVD today.
Cinderella III?
Heck, I didn’t even know there was a Cinderella 2.
Just three more movies and Cinderella will catch Rocky.
Some movies just aren’t made to have sequels.
Like “Weekend at Bernie’s.�
But the greed of Hollywood did it. Four years after making a dead Bernie the life of the party, they dug him up and made “Weekend at Bernie’s 2.�
And now they’re screwing around with Cinderella.
Bibbidi-bobbidi-boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
What could Cinderella 2 possibly be about?
Did Cinderella, after getting that royal ring on her finger, do what many women do in real life?
Turn into a bitch.
She started bitching about Prince Charming watching too much sports on TV.
She hid his remote.
She demanded they spend more time together “talking.�
Now all of a sudden, he prince is wishing Cinderella had worn a size 12D.
But if the slipper fits, you must acquit.
(OK, that makes no sense at all, but I thought it rather clever. And this is my bleeping blog.)
Prince Charming decides he’d rather be married to the wicked stepmother or even the fat dumpy fairy godmother. At least they would let him play golf and poker and watch football.
Cinderella may be a hot blonde chick, but the sex ain’t worth it.
Plus now he’s having to beg for that.
So Cinderella 2 turns into Divorce Court.
Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo-hoo
That’s how I would have written Cinderella 2.
Here’s how it really went:
Once married, Cinderella is worried that she may not be an appropriate princess when it comes to entertaining guests at the royal palace.
(Hey, girl, it’s not you have to wear those rags anymore. Just put on a royal dress, show some royal cleavage and serve a lot of high-dollar booze.)
Instead she gets help from her mice friends and her fairy godmother, and everyone lived happily ever after.
Until Cinderella 3.
In Cindy 3, we find Prince Charming is going broke after his fourth divorce -- the first to Cinderella and the other three to her wicked stepsisters.
Wicked was fun for only so long.
Time has fogged his memory.
He forgot what a bitch his first wife was.
He now wants to go back to sweet Cinderella.
But Cinderella is now a lesbian and living with her ‘‘FAIRY� godmother.
The Prince begs her to change teams, but she laughs in his face and tells him to go back to the wicked step-ones.
Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
The humiliated Prince turns into O.J. and carves up Cinderella.
Coming next is Cinderella 4 -- the trial.
Then Cinderella 5 -- the prince goes to prison and becomes a princess.
Then Cinderella 6 (she finally caught Rocky).
This one will be called -- you guessed it -- Weekend at Cinderella’s.
Posted by at 8:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Westboro vs. Windthorst: Now there's a real mismatch
February 2, 2007Windthorst people are about the nicest people in the world.
But you don’t want to piss them off.
Are you kooks from the Westboro Baptist Church listening to me?
Before you goofballs show up for Gary Johnston’s funeral this weekend, you might want to take a look at this paper’s outdoors page.
See what those dead deer look like?
Well, that could be you come sundown Saturday.
By early next week your head could be hanging in somebody named Schreiber’s game room.
You don’t want to mess with Windthorst.
You’ll be about as safe as a 10-point buck on a Saturday morning in November.
You just think a Perrin-Whitt vs. Windthorst football game is a mismatch.
Well, the boys from Perrin have a better shot at beating the Trojans than you weirdoes have of escaping the wrath of a bunch of pissed-off dairy farmers.
If you are real lucky, you might just be the victim of some Windthorst whoop-ass.
A few broken arms, broken legs, busted up jaws and such.
Or sorta what would happen if some strangers shouted out “Go, Chilton� at a Saturday night dance.
But check out that outdoor page before you bring your stupid protests to this brave Marine’s funeral.
It wouldn’t be a pretty sight -- your sorry ass strapped onto somebody named Berend’s pickup truck.
Remember, you have been warned.
--------------------------
Now I am repeating a blog I wrote about these people back on May 10.
------------------------------
Curiosity took me to their Web site
"Warning. Gospel Preaching Ahead" -- the large yellow sign told me.
Then there was a whole bunch of stuff about sodomites and Jesus Christ and Hell surrounded by a lot of "Thee" and "Thou" King James Bible scriptures supposedly backing it all up. I didn't bother to read it, but instead scrolled down to the bottom where I was given another warning.
"If this Gospel truth offends you, then please hit the "Back" button on your browser.
Since I am a Christian and believe in the Gospel, I instead clicked on the big ENTER button.
After all, this Web site is run by Westboro Baptist Church.
And I'm a Baptist.
What harm can it do?
Lord, I can't believe what I saw next.
People -- calling themselves Christians -- proudly picketing funerals of American soldiers and holding up signs that say
"God Hates Fags"
"God Hates You"
"Thank God for Dead Soldiers"
Then under a recent AP story after a helicopter crash killing 10 n Afghanistan, it was written
"Thank God for 10 more dead troops. We wish it were 10,000."
Next came:
"God Loves Everyone -- the greatest lie ever told.
God Hates most of Mankind"
These people aren't Christians.
And their not Baptists.
They are serious nutcases.
They make the Klan look like a church choir.
One glance at these goofballs and Pro Lifers will become Pro Abortion.
And America will have to re-think this free speech thing.
Don't nuke Iran.
Nuke Topeka, Kansas.
Just tell George W that this weirdo preacher, Fred Phelps Sr., has weapons of mass destruction in the basement of Westboro Baptist Church and
KABOOOOOOOM
Goodbye, Freddy.
No, that's no what real Christians do.
Instead of hating the haters, we should just look up to that cross and remember the words that came down from it:
"Father forgive them for they know not what they do."
God, forgive me, but I still think KABOOOOOM seems like a better solution.
Gotta go now. I'm going to call my preacher and ask him if there's any way our church can change its name.
Dump Colonial Baptist.
Just call us Colonial.
These dipsticks in Kansas are giving Baptists a bad name.
Posted by at 8:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
This girl had balls
February 1, 2007America -- Texas -- the journalism profession -- the human race -- lost a great on yesterday.
There’s a really good chance that many of you will disagree with that.
There was certainly more hate than there was love for Molly Ivins in our right-wing conservative neck of the woods.
Heck, my paper fired her a few years ago.
They said Molly was just “too mean� for our Hooterville Falls readers.
But in order to not seem like right-wing fundamentalists, we also fired Ann Coulter to give balance to the decision.
Instead of balance, we got boredom.
One of the big problems in the newspaper business these days is that our most loyal older readers are dying off.
So what do we do?
We kick Molly and Ann off of our editorial pages and bore everybody else to death.
I certainly didn’t agree with everything Molly Ivins wrote, but I loved her style.
The girl had balls.
Like when she said of George Dubya Bush:
"The poor man who is currently our president has reached such a point of befuddlement that he thinks stem cell research is the same as taking human lives, but that 40,000 dead Iraqi civilians are progress toward democracy,"
Or her opinion on the ultra-conservative Pat Buchanan:
“Many people did not care for Pat Buchanan’s speech. It probably sounded better in the original German.�
I agree with much of what Molly had to say about the politics and policies of George W. Bush.
But having been around his a bit when he was owner of the Texas Rangers baseball team, I did see a guy who I might enjoy sitting around drinking a beer with.
Molly also looked at Bush a bit that way when she wrote:
“Although Bush rather promptly becomes defensive and prickly when questioned, he is by and large perfectly affable. You would have to work at it to dislike him personally. On the occasions when we meet, we would "rib" one another. I personally hope the photo of me sitting on his lap at a Christmas party with him dressed as Santa has disappeared for all time.
Did you know that it is quite possible not to hate someone and at the same time notice their policies are disastrous for people in this country? Quite a thought, isn't it? Grown-ups can actually do that -- can think a policy is disastrous without hating the person behind it. Lyndon Johnson comes to mind: a great president who was disastrously wrong about Vietnam.�
She was first diagnosed with breast cancer eight years ago and never lost her sense of humor through the long battle.
“Having breast cancer is massive amounts of no fun. First they mutilate you; then they poison you; then they burn you. I have on blind dates better than that.�
And after her mastectomy, she joked:
“I’m just a happy, flat-chested woman.�
Molly also stuck with her political stands right up until the end.
She wrote a column just two weeks ago in which she said she could not support Hillary Clinton for president in 2008.
“The recent death of Gene McCarthy reminded me of a lesson I spent a long, long time unlearning, so now I have to re-learn it. It's about political courage and heroes, and when a country is desperate for leadership. There are times when regular politics will not do, and this is one of those times. There are times a country is so tired of bull that only the truth can provide relief.�
So long, Molly, it was an honor to read you.
Posted by at 8:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
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