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There are excuses for kicking a kid off a school bus, but it is still not excusable
August 30, 2007I think it was Rodney Carrington who said one of the best methods of birth control would be to go to Chuck E. Cheese's on a Saturday afternoon.
If you have ever been there and done that, then you might understand why a bus driver would kick a little kid off a school bus.
In fact, I can think of several excuses for such behavior.
I understand what it's like to not get any.
I understand what it's like to have a bad hair day.
I understand what it's like to be trapped inside a small space with a bunch of screaming rug rats.
I even understand crazy.
Yes, there are excuses for such an act, but that doesn't make it excusable
Nobody has heard this woman's side of the bus story, but nothing she says will be good enough to get her off the hook for this.
She's certainly not going to be voted Woman of the Year.
She also probably has no chance at being "Texoma's Best" bus driver.
No., this woman has now entered the world of Michael Vick.
Anytime you hurt dogs or little kids, you are going to be public enemy No. 1.
So what kind of punishment does she deserve?
Make her work Saturdays at Chuck E Cheese's
Isn't it strange how in this school bus story how the adult acted like a child while the children acted like adults.
I don't think we have heard enough applause for the older kids who voluntarily got off the bus to help out the little ones.
I'm not sure that would have happened in my old neighborhood.
But there was a day when an older boy came to my rescue.
I was a second-grader at Austin School and Gary Robinson was probably in the sixth or seventh.
I didn't know him
He didn't know me.
I never rode a school bus. I always walked to school, and on this one morning it started hailing right before I got to the schoolhouse.
I had never seen hail before. I was scared.
I covered up my head with my notebook and prayed to God that if he made the ice cubes quit falling out of the sky, I would never again play with my weenie.
About that time Gary Robinson ran out of the school and rescued me.
I don't know whatever happened to Gary, but he was my hero on that day.
I'm glad we still have young heroes.
.
Posted by at 7:53 AM | Permalink
Football 2007: There is truth hidden betweent the lies
August 29, 2007Football 2007 arrived today.
I don't know for sure how long the paper has been printing a football preview special section, but I do know that I have been a part of 33 of them.
Today's section -- all 112 pages of it -- is bigger and better.
Yet some things never change.
Scan the headlines and you get the feeling that no team in this area will ever lose a game.
"Frederick focuses on improvement? I would, too, if I had been 2-8 last season.
"New coach, offense arrive in Electra."
That's a nice way of saying the old coach knew most of his good players were graduating so he skipped town and got a better job.
Nowhere in these 112 pages will you find a totally-honest headline that reads:
"Worthless coaching staff, talent-less team expect another 0-10 season."
Nor will you read anything like this:
"Hooterville coach Richard Head says his offense sucks and his defense is worse than that."
But there are some ways you can get the real truth about a team.
Sometimes the team photo could be an indication of what will happen.
Harrold has seven players in its team photo.
Northside has 17.
Both teams play six-man football.
Does it surprise you that Harrold was 0-9 last year and Northside won a state championship?
And why does a school with 17 players on its roster play six-man football?
Another question: How can six-man schools have JV teams?
If you have 12 guys out for football, play 11-man.
Another way to really predict how good or how bad a team will be is in the coach's quotes.
If a coach says his team has size, speed and depth, that means this team is going to kick ass.
If a coach talks about his team having a good attitude, working hard or being determined or focused -- well that team is in for a bunch of ass-kickings.
Posted by at 7:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
The Men's Room: a meeting place for GOP perverts and undercover cops
August 28, 2007What's up with these Republicans looking for love in all the wrong places?
Like a men's bathroom.
Bob Allen, a Florida state representative, got busted this summer after allegedly offering to perform oral sex on an undercover cop in a park restroom.
Then along comes Larry Craig, a senator from Idaho, who allegedly played footsie under a stall door with an undercover cop and then "brush(ing) his hand beneath the partition between them" at an airport restroom.
Both took the Bill Clinton route of escape.
They lied their asses off when caught.
Allen used the race card, saying that the cop was "a pretty stocky black guy" and "because there was nothing but other black guys around in the park," he became intimidated and did whatever he could do to survive.
Like offer the guy $20 to take the elevator down.
Craig explained his actions in the stall on his "wide stance" when going to the bathroom.
When arrested, both tried to get out of it by telling the cop who they were.
What did they expect these officers to say?
"Sorry, Sen. Craig. If I had known it was you, I would have invited you to my stall."
or
"Rep. Allen. Oh, yeah. I didn't recognize you. Just give me 15 bucks."
The strange thing about these two stories is.
Both are Republicans.
Allen was the co-chairman of John McCain's presidential campaign in Florida.
Craig was chairman of Mitt Romney's presidential campaign in Idaho.
And both Allen and Craig are know for their anti-gay stands on legislation.
So they leave the closet and go play around in a men's bathroom?
But the strangest part of these two stories really has nothing to do with Allen or Craig.
Do we really pay cops to hang around men's rooms looking to get groped?
Joe Friday would never have done that.
Posted by at 8:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
In defense of the paper and Robert Jeffress
August 27, 2007William D. Brown had a couple of bones to pick with the paper in today's Letters to the Editor.
First of all, he didn't like us putting the story about Robert Jeffress' switching First Baptists on the front page.
He called it "arrogance" on the part of the paper.
First of all, there is a reason we call this section of the editorial page Letters TO the Editor rather than Letters FROM the Editor.
William D. Brown is not the editor.
If he were, he would realize that love him or hate him, Robert Jeffress is a public figure here in Hooterville Falls.
Part of that just comes with being the pastor of a big church.
Part of it comes with being a guy who takes stands that cause controversy -- like he did with those two stupid library books.
Whatever, in a town the size of Hooterville, a story like this is front page news.
Maybe not the banner story on the front page -- but at least a bottom of the front page story.
Next, Mr. Brown didn't like the fact that in the story, Jeffress says that years ago, God told him: "One day you will be pastor of First Baptist Church of Dallas."
Brown wrote:
"Are we to believe that God took his mind off all the starving children around the world, the disease-ridden countries, nations at war, etc. to take time out to speak to Jeffress about Dallas Baptist?"
Mr. Brown, wouldn't your own time be better spent feeding the poor or visiting the sick or maybe even praying for our military men and women than writing some dumb ass letter to the editor?
And to say that God can't do two things at that same time is ignorant.
He's God -- for Heavan's sake.
He can be in Africa and in Waco, Texas at the same time.
To limit God is much more stupid than to say He can speak aloud and tell a person -- who has submitted to His will -- the direction his life is headed.
OK, I'm going to fess up here, even though I know it is going to stir up the atheists, agnostics, anti-Christs and William D. Brown.
I think God once spoke to me.
Not joking here.
It was more than 20 years ago, and a good church friend had bailed me out of another financial bind.
As I was driving home, I swear I heard a voice coming from the back seat say something like "This is the last time. Don’t get yourself in those situation again"
I can'tsay for sure that it was an audible voice, but it sure seemed real to me.
Of course, it didn't keep me from screwing up again.
But I worship a God who loves screw-ups like me.
I have used this blog many times to poke fun at Jeffress .
Today I just thought it was time to defend the guy.
Posted by at 8:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)
Baptism at the Cove? It's pretty cool
August 24, 2007Some Christians have added an 11th commandment.
"Thou Shalt Not Enjoy Church."
Sunday, to them, means dressing up, rushing around, bitching at each other in the car, going to Sunday School and then gathering with other holy ones in the mausoleum. Excuse me, I meant sanctuary.
But many sanctuaries have the joy of a mausoleum.
Pray. Sing; Pray. Toss a buck in the collection plate; Sing: Preach; Wake up. Sing; Pray; Leave; Bitch all the way home.
And if you are a real good Christian, you will do it all over Sunday night.
Come back for prayer meeting on Wednesday and really get bored to tears.
I once heard a preacher say that when he was a kid, someone asked him if he wanted to go to Heaven.
"Is it anything like church?" he answered. "If so, what are my other choices?"
Some people might consider my church pretty strange.
We do things different.
On Sunday, we are going to have a baptism service. Dunk a bunch of people.
And we're doing it at Castaway Cove.
Now a lot of stuffy Christians might not think God would go to a water park on Sunday afternoon.
That, they say, is a day for staying behind stained glass windows.
And if God had wanted people to be baptized in a swimming pool, he wouldn't have created baptistries.
Now, I know all my Church of Christ brothers and sisters are going to frown on "Colonial at the Cove."
Those people won't let you step outside the church before getting dunked.
You see, they believe that if you ain't baptized, you ain't getting into Heaven.
So if you made a profession of faith on Sunday morning and walked outside the church and got run over by a truck BEFORE being baptized, the Church of Christ people say you would go straight to Hell.
But they can't explain the thief on the cross.
I used to be narrow-minded and didn't believe that sprinkling was real baptism, but I now believe that's OK.
This is not a water issue here, it is a heart issue.
Baptism is just a picture of what we Christians believe. We will die and be buried, but rise again -- just like Jesus.
And Jesus was baptized in a river.
But if there had been water parks back then, he might have been dunked on the Lazy River.
Posted by at 7:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Naming a kid @? That's just Wong.
August 23, 2007I read where a Chinese couple tried to name their new baby @.
They say it means "love him."
To most of the world, though, the kid would be "At."
And what middle name would go with that?
How about #?
Then we could call the kid @ # Wong.
Welcome to our world, little At-Pound.
I write this because I am afraid our school district is going to come up with a goofy name for our two new elementary schools.
Maybe not @ # Elementary -- but still something stupid.
I have two guidelines that might prevent that.
Don't name schools for lawyers or politicians or mass murderers.
In that order.
I like naming schools for educators.
McNiel, Kirby, Rider -- all are good names.
We have several great educators that we could honor.
My top choices -- as I have said before -- are
Ervin Garnett.
Linda Merrill.
Perry Goolsby.
My other suggestion -- and it is a good one --- is to re-name some of our elementary schools in order to honor more of our educators, like Merle Anthony.
Sam Houston has the largest city in Texas named for him? Does he also need a school in Wichita Falls?
Ben Franklin has never been to Wichita Falls.
And Alamo? Did they run out of names when they came up with that?
But don't mess with Davey Crockett.
To an old guy like me, he is still the King of the Wild Frontier.
Posted by at 8:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
All I wanted was a little "buzz"
August 22, 2007I am Emmitt Smith of the Times Record News.
Old No. 22.
Well, I was for about 44 hours.
A visitor in the newspaper office.
A guest in my own home.
Worse yet I didn’t even get the “visitor� privileges that one of this cheap-looking yellow badges usually give a person.
No guided tour of the building.
Nobody showed me the big press or the old newspaper front pages hanging on the walls of the library.
Hell, I didn’t even get to meet Joe Brown.
Or see the publisher’s private wet bar and hot tub.
You would think visitor No. 22 would get more respect.
A guest in my own home.
This all started after lunch on Monday when I can in the front door and asked the receptionist to “buzz me.� I had left my key at home.
But instead of the usual “buzz,� I was told I would need to sign in and get a visitor’s pass.
I’ve only worked here 35 years and five months.
My picture is on the wall up front -- right in front of the receptionist.
I know rules are rules -- but stupid is also stupid.
Maybe it’s because I’m trying to grow long hair.
Maybe I look like a terrorist.
Maybe the receptionist thought I was Osama Bin Laden.
Damn, I wish I had signed in as Osama.
But again, that might have caused a major lockdown.
Lock the doors.
“Osama’s in the building�
“Why is he here?
Does he want to buy an ad?
Renew a subscription?
Kill the blogger who keeps poking fun at Muslim terrorists?
There is panic on 13th and Lamar Street.
Osama is in the building.
He’s disguised as Emmitt Smith and Nick Gholson.
Call the CIA.
Call the FBI.
Call the NAACP.
Call the NFL.
Call Ghost Busters.
Call somebody.
This 40-hour reign of terror ended this morning.
I turned my “visitor� badge back in at the front desk.
But there will come another day -- maybe next week, maybe next month, maybe next year, maybe tomorrow -- when I forget my key again.
And when that happens, wouldn’t it be a whole lot easier just to “buzz me�
Posted by at 8:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Do your part to fight the War on Terror
August 20, 2007For those of you out there who would like to do your part in our War On Terror, may I suggest the following.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male
to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that
he must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at
3 p.m. Central Time all American women are asked to
walk out of their houses completely naked to help weed
out any neighborhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for
this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to prove they are not Muslims,
and to demonstrate they think it's okay to see nude
women other than their wives, and to show support for
all American women.
Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold
6-pack at your side is further proof of your
anti-Muslim sentiment.
The American government appreciates your efforts to
root out terrorists and applauds your participation in
this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America .
P.S., I know the Hotter N’ Hell will be next Saturday, but who says you can’t fight terrorism on bicycles?
One more P.S:
Apparently they are already fighting terrorism in Deborah’s neighborhood.
She wrote this in an e-mail:
We already did this on my street last month. The results were amazing, and only one casualty. Mr. Cooper, 76 years old, was outside at daybreak in his rocker, which he placed smack dab in the middle of his yard. He positioned his six pack at his side, along with his heavy duty walking cane. As the patriotic women on my street emerged from their homes, he watched with true American pride. However, when Mrs. Baker boldly left her yard and marched down the street, (84 years old, 321 pounds, full make up from her young days, including bright red rouge, neon blue eye shadow, lipstick from bottom of her nose to her chin, hair teased up into a beehive), Mr. Cooper grabbed his cane in haste, rose from his chair, somehow smacked himself right in the forehead with the cane, and dropped dead.
Who knew Mr. Cooper was a terrorist????
Posted by at 8:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
First the pony tail -- then an ear ring and a tattoo
August 17, 2007Gimme a head with hair, long beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming, steaming, flaxen, waxen
Give me down to there, hair!
Shoulder length, longer (hair!)
Here baby, there mama, Everywhere daddy daddy
Hair! (hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair)
Flow it, Show it;
Long as God can grow it, My Hair!
Just a few lyrics from the famous 1968 rock opera “Hair� to start your day and start this blog.
---------------------------------
Nobody may have noticed, but it has been awhile since I had a haircut.
Although for the last several years, a haircut has not really been a haircut.
I always feel I’m paying Joe the Barber a “finder’s fee.�
“Trim the nose hair, the ear hair and anything you can find on my head.�
My wife wants me to grow my hair out, although I am not really sure that I can any more.
There was a day that Nicky Boy the Hippy Boy had long hair.
I cut most of it off when I got this job, and not long after that, it quit growing back.
Although nobody would ever mistake me as a member of ZZ Top, I do feel a bit shaggy right now.
Shaggy enough that I wouldn’t go anywhere near Michael Vick’s house.
Every day I say I’m going to the barber, and every day my wife says: “No, I think it’s sexy.�
Me, sexy?
May be time for an eye exam, honey.
I did have a young lady wave at me on Lamar Street a couple of days ago.
At the time I thought she was a hooker.
Maybe not.
Maybe it’s that I am sexy
“Too sexy for my shirt,
Too sexy for my shirt,
So sexy it hurts.�
Sorry about that.
I am at the point in life where all the hair grows in four places.
In my nose.
In my ears.
Around my ears.
And on the back of my neck.
I would love to have much more on the top of my head, but I guess that was not God’s will.
My wife wants me to have a pony tail.
I guess it wasn’t enough that she married a horse’s ass.
I’m not sure I can do the pony tail thing.
The hair on the back on my neck flips up. Don’t think it will ever be pony tail material.
But if the Lord is willing and the creek don’t rise (where did that come from?), and I can grow a pony tail -- then I am definitely getting an ear ring.
I have always wanted one.
I may even get one if I can’t grow a pony tail.
It would be so sexy.
And if I grow a pony tail and then get an earring, next comes the tattoo.
I am thinking about having “I love Mike Tyson� tattooed across my face.
Just kidding.
But if I get the pony tail and the ear ring, there will be a tattoo of some kind -- I promise you.
Posted by at 8:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
A triple shot of rejection; You'd be pissy too
August 16, 2007I was in a pissy mood on Wednesday morning.
Ready to snap at anybody about anything.
And did.
You see I got a triple shot of rejection in a span of about 16 hours.
It started the day before when a friend of mine at Scripps Howard News Service called to tell me I would not be on the Scripps team covering the Olympics in Beijing next year.
He said they weren’t sending as many people as they did to Athens and Torino and I didn’t make the cut.
Then learn that Texoma doesn’t love me any more.
After finally getting it right and naming me its best writer last year, Texoma screwed up again this year and gave the award back to Lee Grace.
Then I get this email from Scripps telling me I also didn’t receive a Burleigh Award.
Two of the five winners of this annual corporate award were a TV meteorologist from Tulsa and a recipe tester from New York.
Now how hard can it be being a meteorologist in Tulsa?
About all you have to learn to say is:
“Get to cover, a tornado is on its way.�
Or
“It’s going to be hot again today.�
And a recipe tester?
What does she do -- eat?
I think I could handle that job.
But I understand two of the three.
I got to go to two Olympics in Athens and Torino, and that’s pretty cool for a guy from Hooterville Falls.
Plus I really hate foreign countries. If I never leave the good old USA again in my lifetime, I’m just fine with that.
And I found out the Burleigh Awards are for “distinguished community service.�
The meteorologist gives a lot of her time to Big Brothers and Big Sisters.
The recipe tester is a volunteer at a local soup kitchen and is leading the fight against malnutrition in her area.
About the only community service I remember doing this year was offering to buy a woman a drink over at Wild Wings.
But I still think Texoma got it wrong again.
Hey, I like Lee Grace. He is a nice guy and a friend of mine.
Still, choosing him “best writer� over me is kinda like picking Taco Bell for the best Mexican food.
Come on, Hooterville.
Here is a sampling of some of Grace’s great prose this week.
“Free tickets to the Texas Ranch Roundup are waiting for you at the Browse Shop, 111 East Scott.�
Bet Hemingway wishes he had written that.
“Looking Good Spa has been awarded membership to the Gold Club of Botox Cosmetics by Allergan Pharmaceuticals, makers of Botox.�
Shakespeare could not have said it better, Lee.
“Top quality boots and shoes, professional service, and a great selection are yours when you shop at the Red Wing Shoe Store, 4032 Kemp across from Sikes Senter.
Save that one for a Pulitzer nomination.
“Jim and Sheryl Pulley have assembled a quality team to provide insurance and financial protection for everyone.�
Guess who Jim and Sheryl Pulley voted for as “best writer.�
“If you are one of 32 million Americans who wear dentures, chances are you may be one of 20 million who have fit, function and appearance problems.�
Who has the time to interview 20 million people with false teeth?
Maybe if I could put a free ad in my blog each day like
“Eat at Marty’s Pioneer -- he has great chicken fried steak�
or
“Get your oil changed at Mike’s Lube Shop.�
Maybe then Texoma will love me more than Lee.
If you can’t beat him, join him.
But before I got -- congratulations, Lee.
We are still friends -- I hope.
Posted by at 8:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Front page news or Baptist-bashing?
August 15, 2007Comedians like Richard Pryor and Chris Rock can make fun of black people and use the “n word� in their jokes for one reason. They are black.
That’s why I think I have every right to make fun of Baptist.
I’m a Baptist.
So I joke about every time you find four Baptists, there’s always a fifth.
Or why do Baptists no have sex standing up? It will look like they’re dancing.
I have used this blog often to poke fun at Baptists.
But at the same time, I hate Baptist-bashing.
And that’s what I believe the front page of our paper did this morning.
The story was about a prominent Southern Baptist pastor in Nashville, Tenn.
Some members of his “megachurch� have accused him of spending church money on his daughter’s wedding.
Near the end of this story (on Page 8A), we find out that the church used $4,300 of its budget to pay for a reception that was open to all of the members.
It was explained that this was done “to avoid the appearance of favoritism.�
The pastor used his own money to pay for a separate reception outside the church.
So this is front page news in Wichita Falls?
Oh, yeah, in the middle of the story we read that a former administrative assistant in the church had accused his pastor of looking at porno on the church computer and having an affair with a church staff member. Both charges were investigated by the church with no evidence for either one.
I’m surprised this part of the story even ran in the Nashville paper, yet along Wichita Falls.
The story said he once lost a bid to become president of the Southern Baptist Convention, which I guess gives newspapers some kind of justification that the man is a “public figure.�
The media claims the right to treat public figures differently than normal people. Their lives are under public scrutiny.
I understand that on some days, local news in a paper our size can override a major national or world story.
But it’s hard to figure why we didn’t run the Minnesota bridge collapse on Page 1 a couple of weeks ago, yet run a story like this on our front page today.
Baptist-bashing?
Ask someone higher up on the newspaper food chain than me.
Remember, what do I know?
I’m just the “sports guy.�
Parting shot: Our atheist friend “Readin and Writin� -- who now claims not to be an atheist -- had a long comment to my Monday blog. You might want to check it out.
Posted by at 8:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Call me a fool, but I'm betting on Jesus
August 13, 2007My blog titled “A fool? A fundamentalist? No, just a bit confused� got quite a response from one reader.
If you want to read all of the response, just go back to that blog and go down to the comments item at the end. It’s pretty long.
The reader, obviously an atheist, said because the miracles of the Bible cannot be proven scientifically, they are lies and the Good Book is nothing but fiction.
This person also has to believe that if there really was a “Jesus,� he had to be a con man.
So the reader has to believe that anyone professing that this Jesus is the Son of God and the savior of the world has to be a nut whose life is centered around one big lie.
Christians either worship a make-believe person or a con artist who died 2,000 years ago and ain’t coming back again.
All the churches in the world are havens for fools.
Billy Graham has spent his whole life preaching a lie.
Christmas is joke.
Jesus doesn’t love me, this I know.
So what if the Bible tells me so.
Sorry, but I’m not buying any of that.
If that makes me a fool -- then call me a fool.
I believe Jesus was the Son of God; born of a virgin; lived a sinless life; died on a cross for our sins; rose again; is seated at the right hand of God; is coming back some day; and those that believe in Him will live forever in a place called Heaven.
I say this not because of any scientific proof.
I say this because of faith.
Hebrews 11:1. “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.�
And so what if I am wrong?
What if this life here on earth is really all there is?
Wouldn’t we still be better off loving our neighbors as ourselves?
Being merciful?
Being pure in heart?
Being peacemakers?
I think this Jesus guy was pretty cool.
My money is on Him.
Posted by at 8:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
Cable vs. Dish vs. Direct TV: It's all BS
August 8, 2007Most of my friends have dumped cable and gone with their Dish or Direct TV.
So I have been shopping around to see which one to switch to.
Both do a lot of advertising promising to give you free this and free that if you sign up with them.
It seems like Direct TV is offering everything but a thousand-dollar hooker to get you to choose them. But Direct TV doesn’t even give you the local channels.
Those are supposed to be free.
Some woman at Direct TV told me for a few bucks more, she could get me CBS, NBC, ABC and Fox stations from major cities like New York and LA.
A friend later told me that’s illegal, but I heard the offer with my very own earns.
In fact, I almost took it.
Have you watched local news lately?
I think I could live without that.
“Throw in a thousand-dollar hooker and you’ve got a deal,� I almost told her.
But then I thought, if I get a Fox station in New York, then I would get Giants games instead of Cowboys games on Sunday.
No thanks.
Dish must be the way to go.
The “America’s Top 250� package seemed like the best thing for me.
I went to a Dish dealer here in town and started the process.
But before we were finished a $52,99 price tag had quickly become $80 and change.
I pay $55 for cable right now.
“Hold on,� I told the saleswoman. “I thought I came here to save money.�
I left without Dish.
Then I figured out that of the “America’s Top 250,� there are only 19 stations that I really want.
And all but seven of those are part of my Time Warner package.
I also get all of the local channels on Time Warner. With Dish, you pay a little extra for the “free� channels.
I have 78 channels on Time Warner.
Together, my wife and I watch 15 of them -- five of which are “free� channels.
So I am buying 63 channels of bull feces.
But for $25 more, I can Dish and get 233 channels of bull feces.
So to the people at Time Warner, I want the NFL Network.
I will trade you Fox News, CNN and CNBC straight up -- three for one.
Then give me ESPN-U and I will give you back QVC, MTV, A&E, C-Span and TLC --- that’s five for one.
My wife is a horse person, so she would like RFDTV. Give her that and we will return ALN, E, Court TV, UNI and BET. Again five for one.
And if there such a thing as a “good movie channel� anymore, you can gave HGTV, the Food Channel, Oxygen, WE, the Animal network, every TV evangelist and any other thing I list as bull feces.
You give me four channels that I want and I give you 59 channels that I have no use for.
That’s almost a 15 to 1 deal -- in your favor.
Do that and I quit shopping around.
Better hurry, though, you know Dish and Direct are going to come up with a better offer.
Who knows, that thousand-dollar hooker may not be out of the question.
Posted by at 8:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
A dynamic message from Pastor Nick?
August 6, 2007I have a big announcement to make today -- and I want you -- all my loyal blog readers -- to be the first to know.
I am going to apply for the pastor’s job at First Baptist Church here in Hooterville Falls.
Ever since I was a little boy squirming in the pews at 10th and Broad Church of Christ, I wanted to be a preacher.
My old daddy used to work his ass off 50 hours a week and probably never made a hundred bucks a week.
A preacher works what -- 3 hours a week?
Sunday morning. Sunday night. Wednesday night.
1-2-3.
He wears nicer clothes, drives a newer car and lives in a bigger house than us.
What would you guess they pay the pastor at First Baptist?
Six really nice figures, I’m sure.
200 grand maybe?
I’ll work for half that.
$2,500 a week would be a nice starting point.
That figures out to be $833 an hour.
But to do the job, I must have the following.
A minister of senior adults.
A minister of middle age adults.
A minister of young adults.
A youth minister.
A children’s minister.
And a minister for everybody else.
I also want to keep Rod Payne around to run the media ministry.
It will really be cool to hear Rod say:
“A dynamic message from our pastor, Nick Gholson.�
I need all those “ministers of� so that I will more time to write books and do radio shows and make some extra cash.
Also need some time to pose for pictures for my billboards.
I will not have time to visit the sick or do funerals (except for people with seven-figure bank accounts).
I think I am qualified for this job.
No, I never went to seminary but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night.
I have also been baptized three times. (That’s a story for later on.)
One of the first things I want to do as the FBC pastor is to tear down that new building.
We need something much bigger.
Once people hear me preach one my “dynamic messages,� we will probably need to temporarily move our services to Kay Yeager Coliseum.
I also want to have 12 Living Christmas Trees instead of just two.
My first sermon would be:
“Heather and her two lesbo mommies are headed straight to hell in a handbasket.�
I would follow that up with:
“Daddy’s roommate is fixing to be a pillar of salt.�
By then, KYC would be filled to hear:
“Geronimo! Let’s kill some Injuns and tear down their casinos to protect the Milam brothers and their buddies.�
I am also planning on my first book -- “Tithe is really translated 30 percent in Greek.�
My autograph party will be in the parlor right after the love offering to pay for our pool boy.
Posted by at 8:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)
Please see NICK -- but where the hell is he?
August 3, 2007I am the only person in the newsroom right now.
It is very early.
Most of Wichita Falls is just waking up.
And I’ve been really pissed off now for about two hours.
I wrote what I thought was a very interesting column for the paper this morning.
It’s a love story centered around MSU football.
I like it so much I made a suggestion at the budget meeting Tuesday to tease it on the front page of the today’s paper.
They did, but it was right next to a picture of a dog.
That sucks.
But that is not why I’m so pissed.
My column was 708 words long.
Only 218 of those words showed up in the paper.
Just a minute, my phone is ringing.
First call comes at 7:53 a.m.
“Where is the rest of Nick Gholson’s column?�
There will be many more before this day is over.
TGIF.
Believe it not, there are a lot of people out there who read my stuff.
Jump a column like today by saying Please see Nick, Page 2D -- and then don’t put the rest of the story on 2D -- and the phone is going to ring.
I should give them the home phone number of the guy who worked last night and was responsible for this screw-up.
Nah, he got off around 1 in the morning and probably just got to bed.
Been there, done that. I won’t do that to him.
As they say, spit happens.
(Notice how I cleaned that one up.)
If you are one of those who starting reading me today and got cut off, you can go to timesrecordnews.com and get the rest of the story.
Here is the link:
http://www.timesrecordnews.com/trn/ls_columnists/article/0,1891,TRN_5789_5657262,00.html
Or you can wait until the paper comes out Saturday and it will run in full.
Excuse me, I have to go.
My phone is ringing.
Posted by at 8:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Should we believe King David and Johnny Cash?
August 2, 2007On this day, I stop and remember what was the very worst day of my life.
Aug. 2, 1963.
The day began with my daddy waking me up and saying:
“Your mama is dead.�
I was just 16 years old.
I’ve shared the story of how my mama died in a head-on car crash on Highway 79.
She was only 35 years old.
Today I ask the question -- will I ever see her again?
If you know me, you know that I believe in God and Heaven and eternal life.
Although I have heard many preachers over the year talk about a Heavenly family reunion, the Bible I read really doesn’t say much about it.
The Old Testament does have several references to people dying and being “gathered to their people.�
Genesis 25:8
“Then Abraham breathed his last and died at a good old age, an old man and full of years; and he was gathered to his people.�
Genesis 35:29
“Then he (Isaac) breathed his last and died and was gathered to his people, old and full of years.�
Genesis 49:29
“Then he (Jacob) gave them these instructions: "I am about to be gathered to my people. Bury me with my fathers in the cave in the field of Ephron the Hittite,�
2 Samuel 12:23 is about as good as any verse I can find. After the death of his infant child, David says: “But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."
The New Testament doesn’t give a lot of insight into Heavenly family reunions.
Johnny Cash says we will see our departed loved ones again in a “family circle at the throne.�
“Though the circle won’t be broken
By and by, Lord, by and by.
Daddy sang bass. Mama sang tenor.
Me and little brother would join right in there,
In the sky, Lord, in the sky.
“Now I remember after work, mama would call in all of us.
You could hear us singin’ for a country mile.
Now little brother has done gone on.
But I’ll rejoin him in a song.
We’ll be together again up yonder in a little while�
I tend to believe King David and Johnny Cash much more than I do some of those con artists that say they can talk to the dead.
One Web site out there that promises they can connect me with my mama.
Since I lump people like these with snake oil salesmen and Amway, I will not give out the address of their Web site.
But they do say that “your departed loved ones are still near you, vibrating at a frequency too high for your physical senses to perceive. . .Your loved ones long to reach out to you and we are here to receive their communication for you in clearly worded messages. We serve as a dependable conduit between those living in the physical world and those who have passed out of it.�
Just send in $19.95 now and to go along with your very own “Letter from Heaven,� they will also send you a bamboo steamer and an autographed picture of Jesus Christ.
“Just 19 dead presidents and 95 cents, baby.�
They can also talk with your dead pets.
“We are able to communicate to those in the animal kingdom, as well.�
But my little dog, Figgy, never talked when he was here on earth.
And there is a “New Website coming soon.�
This one is called “Stars from Heaven.�
You can talk to such notables as Albert Einstein, John Lennon, George Burns, Babe Ruth and Judy Garland.�
This is all true. I am not b.s.-ing you here.
Anyone who would ever to fall for those cons just might have a real reunion with their mama.
She might come back to earth and spank your butt for being so stupid.
Posted by at 8:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Short-changed twice and still 10 bucks lighter
August 1, 2007Before I tell this story, I first want to tell you that I think United Market Street is the best grocery store in town.
I like to shop there.
I like to eat there.
In my 2006 endorsements for Texoma’s Best, I voted Market Street the best supermarket and the best salad bar.
But right now I certainly would not vote this store No. 1 in being customer friendly.
My dissatisfaction started a week ago.
I met my wife for breakfast at Market Street on Tuesday morning. I had $25 in my pocket.
Our food cost $6 and change.
When I got home and changed clothes, I had a $5 bill and three ones.
I had been short-changed.
I was sure it was just an honest accident and decided to just take the loss without saying anything.
Then at lunch, my buddies persuaded me to call the manager and tell him what happened.
“When they count the register, they will be 10 dollars over and return your money,� was the logic.
So I called and talked to a guy named Brian.
He took my name and phone number and told me if the register was over, he would leave my 10 dollars in an envelope at the same register.
That would be convenient since I had planned to eat lunch there on Wednesday.
But there was no envelope.
When I explained the situation to the cashier, she called someone and then told me that “customer service� wanted to speak to me.
Brian wasn’t there, so Buddy, in customer service, heard my story again and told me he would take care of it. I told him just to bring the money, if there was any, over to where I was eating lunch.
In a few minutes, he came over and told me that after the register had been counted for the day, it was not 10 dollars over, it was 10 dollars and change under.
I wasn’t getting my 10 bucks back.
And Market Street had a cashier than couldn’t count.
I got pissed.
I told my buddies I would never eat there again.
Then the next Tuesday, my wife asked if I wanted to meet her for breakfast at Market Street.
"Those no-good, crooked bleeping bleepity-bleeps. Bleep them,� I said. "I am never going back to their bleeping crooked bleeping store."
She told me to get over it.
She won. I lost.
We met for breakfast at Market Street.
We were in line at the same register -- the only one open with four people in front of me.
“Guess it’s hard to hire good short-changers these days,� I sarcastically said to my wife.
When it was finally my turn, my bill was $4.98.
I gave the cashier a 20.
She gave me back a 5 and two pennies.
I have never in my life been so elated about being short-changed.
“I caught you this time,� I said, not really sure if the cashier was the same as the week before but positive about the cash register.
She looked in the register and saw that she had put my $20 bill in the $10 slot.
It was a honest mistake, but still it was a mistake.
Then the nice lady apologized -- the first real apology I had heard from anyone there.
My wife -- who earlier had told me to “get over it� -- was now telling me to go immediately to the manager and tell him what happened.
I did and was told he was in a manager’s meeting.
“Hopefully to learn some customer friendliness,� I thought to myself.
The girl took my name and phone number (which the manager already had but never used).
She said he would call me.
He didn’t.
Why am I not surprised?
But I am not going to boycott Market Street.
Even if I did, I would just go back to doing business at the United on Jacksboro Highway and my money would still go in the same pot.
Posted by at 8:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
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