« April 2009 | Main | June 2009 »
I ggot gscrewed gin gthe gspelling gbee.
May 29, 2009My boss man -- E.W. Scripps -- crowned another spelling bee champion Thursday night.
It was televised live on ABC, but I was too busy watching the Magic and Cavs to pay attention.
And today I am pre-occupied with my grandson's kindergarten graduation and the Boys & Girls Club golf scramble, so I am re-running my spelling bee blog from yesteryear.
Be back with you live on Monday.
----------
Although you probably can't tell it by reading 21st Century Nicky, I used to be a pretty good speller.
No, I never made it to the big dance in Washington, D.C., but I made it to the study hall stage at Reagan Junior High School. In the spring of 1960, I was second place in the Reagan spelling bee.
Some Barbie doll won it.
I remember at the end, when it came down to Nicky vs. Barbie, she tried to distract me by crossing her legs and giving me a small glimpse of adorable flesh.
I sat there trying to go over all the possible hard words in my mind, but what kept popping into my mind would not be found in my little Scripps spelling book.
No, Iwantolickyouallover was not in the book.
Neither was Pleaseletmeseeyourunderwear.
I became so distracted that I missed on a four-letter word.
Now, most teen-age boys are very affluent in four-letter word spellings.
But Barbie won when I spelled "gnat" -- "nat."
Heck, I could have spelled Antidisestablishmentarianism that day, but the little blonde teaser beat me because I missed "gnat."
Why the hell is a "g" in "gnat?"
I mean we don't spell "cat" "gcat."
We don't spell "rat" "grat."
"It's a silent letter," my teacher told me.
I know about silent letters.
I have one in my last name -- the "h" in "Gholson" -- and it has haunted me all my life.
"How do you pronounce your name," I am always asked.
"Just leave out the 'h,' " I always answer.
Why didn't the people who came up with our name leave out the stupid "h?"
Although I was almost a champion speller in my day, I never watch the spelling bee finals on TV.
Just don't think my old gheart can take such excitement.
P.S.: Thanks to Frances Tate for helping me with the spelling of "Antidisestablishmentarianism" in this blog. I couldn't even get close enough to google it.
Posted by at 8:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
The best golfers never cheat, but the slum dogs always do
May 28, 2009Golf is a gentleman's game.
Sometimes.
I am at the Crowne Plaza Invitational at Colonial today where 89 of the top 100 golfers in the world are playing. No way any of these guys would cheat.
Heck, they even call penalties on themselves. What other sport does that?
Can you imagine Phil Jackson jumping up and shouting to a referee: "Kobe fouled Carmelo. I saw it?"
But as honest as golf's greatest players are, its slum dogs will cheat for a 2 dollar trophy.
I know. I've seen it. I've gone along with it.
That makes me as guilty as the guy with the crooked pencil.
But it's all a part of this scrambling business.
Believe me, there will be a lot of cheating tomorrow at the Boys and Girls Club scramble. Some of it will be in the placement of the ball. The two club rule means two drivers, not two country clubs.
Mulligans are the cheater's best friend.
Most scrambles give two to each player. But some guys never run out of them.
Twelve-under can quickly become 17-under.
I know what I am talking about here.\
I've played with some of the best cheaters in town.
Then there's that one team that always turns their scorecard in last.
And always wins by one shot.
The best wood in their bag is the pencil.
I admit I have been a part of cheating teams. It's much easier to go along with the crowd than be the one honest voice crying in the wilderness.
But I have also discreetly told tournament directors to keep my prize or give it to someone else. My conscience just won't let me win dishonestly.
At the Hospice tournament a few years ago, my team was finishing on the 15th hole at the country club. There was a temporary green in the middle of the 15th fairway that year, so the hole was a 200-yard par-3.
I hit 2-iron to about six feet of the pin. It looked like I might win closest to the pin, but when we measured it from every angle, I was always about an inch short.
My buddies told me just to go ahead and write my name down. We were the last group, so nobody could beat me. And after all, the guy who was closest had probably marked his ball an inch or two closer than he should have.
"Nah, I don't need a sleeve of golf balls that bad," I said.
That evening at the awards ceremony, they announced the other guy was closest to the pin winner on 15.
His prize - two round-trip airplane tickets to anywhere American Airlines flies in the continental United States.
I have always asked myself what I would have done if I had known that - and not three golf balls - would be the prize.
Honestly but ashamedly, I don't really know the answer.
Posted by at 8:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Even John Grisham can write a piece of crap
May 27, 2009I really appreciate people who skillfully do the things that I can't do.
Because I have no handy man skills whatsoever, mechanics, plumbers, and electricians are at the top of my list -- followed closely by anyone who can easily open a childproof container or a large bag of potato chips.
Right below that are great fiction writers.
I really, really want to write a fiction book. My wife says I have it in me. My daughter agrees.
But I just don't see it happening.
That's why I appreciate John Grisham.
This is one of the great fiction writers of our time.
Strangely, his first book, "A Time to Kill" -- released 20 years ago -- was his best. It was like hitting a grand slam in your first at-bat.
Still, though, the many books that followed were still good.
Those books begat movies which begat millions of dollars for Big John.
I have read them all and seen them all.
Even when he veered from the path of legal fiction and wrote stuff like "A Painted House," "Skipping Christmas" and "Bleachers," I stayed with him and enjoyed the change of pace. His first attempt at non-fiction -- "The Innocent Man" -- was also a cool read.
But this last book Grisham wrote is a piece of crap.
It usually takes me a couple days to read him.
It took more than a month for me to finish "The Associate."
You've heard of books you "just can't put down."
Well, this was one I "just couldn't pick up."
It sat there on the table beside my recliner staring at me. With Grisham's name boldly on the cover, it was promising me that if I keep reading, the story got better.
It didn't.
Now every writer has a bad day.
Who knows that better than me?
Sire. I've written my share of crap.
But I don't charge you 28 bucks a pop to read it.
I'm sure the distinguished Pasqual crowd will tell you I am just unsophisticated and don't appreciate the finer things in life.
The big-time reviewers aren't on my side.
New York Times: "Grisham has a field day. The Associated grabs the reader quickly and becomes impossible to put down."
Don't you mean It quickly grabbed 28 bucks and was damn near impossible to pick up.?
Washington Post: "Grisham makes it easy for us to keep flipping the pages."
Yeah, but that was because I was asleep after one or two of them.
The Boston Globe: "Throughout, Grisham unwinds the spool of his narrative at a masterful, page-turning pace that pulls readers in and keeps them wanting more."
I definitely wanted more. I wanted "A Time to Kill," not "A Time to Snore."
People, this is big-time B.S. from big-time newspapers.
John Grisham is a great writer who wrote one bad book.
Remember Ford gave us the Thunderbird and the Edsel
Chevrolet gave us the Corvette and the Corvair.
Someone Twitter this blog to Grisham.
Maybe he will refund the 28 bucks.
Posted by at 8:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
LeBron James -- is this NBA superstar too good to be true?
May 26, 2009So is LeBron James too good to be true or what?
If you are one of the many basketball-watching daddies -- like me -- you would quickly hand your single daughter over to this guy.
It's not just because he's a great athlete making $14 million a year.
LeBron transcends the game he plays and the money that he makes.
He says all the right things.
He does all the right things.
A perfect citizen.
On a scale of 1 to 10, he's a 20.
While there is a raging debate out there over who's the best basketball player -- Kobe Bryant or LeBron, there is no argument as to who is the better person.
Remember Kobe did the nasty with that little slut in Colorado six summers ago and made her a multi-millionaire.
LeBron was 18 years old and probably in vacation Bible school while all that was happening.
Or singing in the choir.
Or delivering meals on wheels.
LeBron James is too good to be true.
Or, as my old daddy used to say -- his farts don't stink.
And that's the problem.
When will LeBron screw up?
He's only 24, you know. He still has plenty of time to fall from grace.
I grew up in the Eddie Haskell era of television.
"Good morning, Mrs. Cleaver -- you sure look nice today, Mrs. Cleaver."
I recognize B.S. when I see it.
Still, a few years back, I was totally conned by Alex Rodriguez.
He said all the right things.
He did all the right things.
He was LeBron before LeBron.
Then one day the mask came off.
And when it did, the phoniness of A-Rod was revealed.
This guy is just another con man, or as the Good Book says a wolf in sheep's clothing.
I hope and pray LeBron is the real deal.
Pro sports need more guys like him.
Posted by at 8:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Remembering the veteran on this Memorial Day
May 25, 2009I rarely pass along e-mails, especially those that ask me to pass it along.
But since I am taking a Memorial Day holiday today, I will pass this one along to help us remember why we observe this important day.
It is the
VETERAN,
not the preacher,
who has given us freedom of religion.
It is
the VETERAN,
not the reporter,
who has given us freedom of the press.
It is
the VETERAN,
not the poet,
who has given us freedom of speech.
It is
the VETERAN,
not the campus organizer,
who has given us freedom to assemble.
It is
the VETERAN,
not the lawyer,
who has given us the right to a fair trial.
It is
the VETERAN,
not the politician,
Who has given us the right to vote.
Many brave men and women have paid the ultimate price so you and I can be free.
Let's never forget them.
Posted by at 8:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Hate is not good for the soul, especially the saved ones.
May 22, 2009Somebody named "Anonymous" shot me a disturbing e-mail this week.
First off, I can't imagine parents naming their child "Anonymous."
The self-righteous should give children names like "Pharisee." Fits much better.
And the "disturbing" part of this wasn't that I was disturbed by it.
Hey, I'm not welcome at Pasqual anymore either.
No, what is disturbing is that Anonymous is really disturbed.
Take your medication, man.
Here is what he or she said:
"You're a Christian? I'm sorry that you're so lost and confused about
your faith. Murdering and stealing are immoral and ARE illegal. Gay
marriage is immoral and should be illegal as well. Maybe you are not of
a healthy and sound mind to get married in the first place and you
confused lust with love. Marriage by God is between male and female
only."
Is Anonymous really Robert Jefress?
Sounds like they have a lot in common.
I am a Christian and not one bit confused about my faith.
I am a sinner saved by the grace of God and the blood of Jesus Christ.
I believe I should love God with all my strength. I believe I should love my neighbor as myself.
Of course, I don't do those things.
But I don't judge other people. That's God's business.
My job is to do my best to love people. I also love my country and the freedom it offers.
We have the freedom to be different. No matter what the right wingers tell us, God loves both Democrats and Republicans.
We have the freedom to be different. No matter what Anonymous and his buddy Pope Bob tell us, God loves straights and gays.
Hate is not good for the soul.
Especially the saved ones.
Posted by at 9:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Yummy, yummy. L-L-Loved it; Am I really the Lunch Lady?
May 21, 2009
The final count is in -- and more than half of you who bothered to vote in our silly poll are about to get what you asked for.
"Is Nick secretly the Lunch Lady?"
But before we go there, I want to let you see what you missed by not picking the other three choices.
(1.) What's the personality trait that Nick wishes he could change about himself?
Does a beer belly count? Other than having a 42-inch waist and not much hair, I'm pretty much perfect.
(2.) Where does Nick see the Times Record News in 10 years?
Knowing all my bad habits, I probably won't be around in 10 years. And I doubt the TRN can survive without me?
(3.) Why did it take Nick 13 years to get out of college?
Some people go to school for the 3 R's. I spent most of my early college years more concerned with the 4 P's -- pool, poker and -- in order to stay employed -- I think I'll let you figure out the other two P's.
OK, here goes.
I am going to review a restaurant and let you decide.
Am I mysterious Lunch Lady?
One of my very worst lunch experiences was at Pasqual, which I am surprised is still in business.
LB-1 suggested going there, saying she L-L-Loved the place.
She made the reservation for two.
Is there any other eating joint in Hooterville Falls that requires a lunch reservation?
Not the Bar-L.
Quite quaint, wouldn't you say?
LB-1 told our waitress that she "just has" to eat at Pasqual at least once a week.
I wiped the slobber off her mouth while she talked.
My friend ordered mixed green salad and the pork tenderloin.
I went with the mixed green salad and chicken sandwich.
I don't really need "honey balsamic dressing, accompanied by smoked gruyere cheese, fresh raspberries, and toasted pecans" in my salad. But when you're in Rome -----
My chicken sandwich had Swiss cheese with bacon, avocados, lettuce, tomato and mayo on Foccacia bread and was served with a side of fresh fruit.
I felt like a fruit eating stuff like this.
The food was OK but nothing to really slobber over.
The price made me do more than slobber -- it made me s.....
Throw in a couple of iced teas and the bill came to almost 30 bucks.
No wonder LB-1 only eats once a week at this place.
She would need to take out a bank loan to eat twice a week or find some sucker like Nicky G to foot the overpriced bill.
I handed the young waitress a hundred dollar bill, and she acted like I had just handed her a ransom note demanding extra honey balsamic dressing if she ever wanted to see her family again.
"I don't have change," she said.
I guess most Pasqual customers pay their bill either with a credit card or blood.
But I wanted to use good old-fashioned hard cash.
The waitress stared at me in disbelief, her eyes pleading "what do I do?"
"Go to the bank," I suggested.
The waitress left and came back with my change.
I don't know where she got it and didn't care.
I tipped five bucks and change bringing my lunch total to a "yummy" 35 dollars or a week's worth of Pat's hamburgers,
I threw the "yummy" in there because I have never in my life ever written that word before.
In summary, my lunch experience at Pasqual sucked.
I give it one small fork.
So you figure it out.
Do I sound like the Lunch Lady?
Posted by at 8:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)
Guns on college campuses? Why not ice picks and tire tools, too?
May 20, 2009
"Everybody is talking about gun control. Got to control the guns. (Bleep), that, I like guns. If you've got a gun, you don't need to work out! Cause, I ain't working out. I ain't jogging.
"No, I think we need some bullet control. I think every bullet should cost five thousand dollars. Five thousand dollars for a bullet. Know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars, there'd be no more innocent by-standers. That'd be it. Some guy'd be shot, you'd be all 'Damn, he must've done something, he's got fifty thousand dollars worth of bullets in his ass!'
"And people'd think before they shot someone 'Man I will blow your (bleeping) head off, if I could afford it. I'm gonna get me a second job, start saving up, and you a dead man. You'd better hope I don't get no bullets on lay-away!' And even if you get shot, you wouldn't need to go to the emergency room. Whoever shot you'd take their bullet back. 'I believe you got my property?' "
That is Chris Rock's opinion on gun control.
Makes a hell of a lot more sense than Craig Estes or any of the other Texas lawmakers wanting to let college students pack heat.
Craig Estes? Did I vote for this guy?
I might have, especially if he ever ran against Unopposed.
Unopposed has never won an election here in Texas -- in Florida maybe, but not in Texas. Or at least not recently.
But today many of us are wishing we had voted for Unopposed instead of Republicans like Jeff Wentworth of San Antonio, the author of this goofball bill, or our own Mr. Estes, who co-sponsored it.
They are telling us that to avoid mass murders like Virginia Tech two years ago, we should allow college students and teachers to carry guns to school.
That's like saying to avoid obesity, we should eat more Snickers bars.
Guns in the classroom?
Might as well throw in switch blades, ice picks, tomahawks, tire tools, brass knucks, bows and arrows and hatchets, too.
And if Ahab wants to carry a bioweapon in his backpack, why not?
Let's not discriminate against anyone.
If this bill passes, Texas is not going to just lead the nation in executions any more.
We will also have a higher grade point average than any other state.
What teacher is going to fail a guy if he's loading up a .357 magnum during the final exam?
And college basketball will be more entertaining also.
Instead of just booing a referee for making a bad call, now it's BAM, BAM -- hey, hey, hey, goodbye.
Oh, well, we didn't need three officials for the game any way.
Shoot, I can't wait for homecoming .
Should be a real blast.
Posted by at 8:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
MNF hires Gruden; the Cowboys should have
May 19, 2009I quit watching Monday night football.
Oh, I still glance at it -- but don't really watch it.
Joe Theisman is partly to blame for it.
Putting this clown in the same broadcast booth that the great Dandy Don Meredith once occupied was a disgrace.
But the MNF people wised up and ran Theisman off and brought in Ron Jaworski.
Jaws is no Dandy Don, but still a big improvement.
I could now watch and listen without throwing up.
Almost.
Tony Kornheiser is a great sportswriter. But a rotten announcer.
He's witty on PTI. But that never carried over to MNF.
Now, he reportedly has stepped down because he has a fear of flying.
So did John Madden, but ABC bought him a luxury bus.
Kornheiser wasn't good enough to rate that.
So now we have Jon Gruden.
"He is the two things you most want -- smart and funny -- and has the two things I don't -- good hair and a tan," Kornheiser joked.
Gruden will probably add insight and humor to Monday night.
But he doesn't belong in Dandy Don's booth.
He belong scoaching Dandy Don's old team.
The Dallas Cowboys desperately need a head coach, and Jon Gruden has won a Super Bowl.
So let's make a trade.
Gruden to the Cowboys.
Wade Phillips to Monday Night Football.
.
Posted by at 5:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Pro-choice president stresses living 'as one human family'
May 18, 2009It took balls for our president to be the speaker at Notre Dame's graduation ceremony on Sunday.
The so-called "pro-life" people have always had a nasty streak.
They label teen-age girls as murderers.
Seven people -- three of them doctors -- have been murdered by people protesting "murder."
Many others have been shot and wounded.
They bomb. They torch. They kidnap. They stalk.
I don't think our president felt threatened by any of this, but he knew the protesters would show up at this Catholic university with their blood-covered dolls and "Baby Killer" posters.
Obama knew he would be interrupted and shouted down during his speech. And he was.
But he didn't avoid his opponents like others have done.
The president stood before them and said: "We must find a way to live together as one human family."
"Let's work together to reduce the number of women seeking abortions by reducing unintended pregnancies, and making adoption more available, and providing care and support for women who do carry their child to term.
"Let's honor the conscience of those who disagree with abortion, and draft a sensible conscience clause, and make sure that all of our health care policies are grounded in clear ethics and sound science, as well as respect for the equality of women."
Smooth talk.
Words carefully put together by an expert speech-writer.
But in his first days of his presidency, Obama has proven to be a man who welcomes dialogue with those who oppose not only his stand on issues, but also this country's stand.
It doesn't mean every problem will be resolved or every enemy will become a friend.
Yet maybe some will -- and isn't that better than none?
Abortion is a hot issue and has been for some time.
I am pro-choice just like the president, yet that doesn't mean I am pro-abortion.
Nor does it mean I am any less a Christian.
And it certainly doesn't make me pro-murder.
Just like being pro-life doesn't mean you are one of the nuts who kill doctors and bomb abortion clinics.
It's just that our Supreme Court agrees with me.
The debate won't end soon, but the hostility should.
Peace!
Posted by at 8:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Pelosi may look like a witch, but is she really that wicked?
May 15, 2009When and how did Nancy Pelosi become the Wicked Witch of the West?
People all over this country hate this woman.
They don't know her. They don't really know here voting record.
They just hate her.
Many of my good friends hate her.
My wife -- the love of my life -- hates her.
My daughter -- daddy's little girl -- hates her.
I admit the chick is not much to look at.
She's not a woman you'd want to find sitting in your living room when you come home from a hard day at work.
She looks like she could be a real bitch.
But is she?
I don't know.
You don't know.
Fox News doesn't know either.
It's not just Fox and Enemies that like to bash Pelosi.
Golf announcers are taking shots at her.
In a recent Dallas magazine, Dave Feherty -- a golf commentator for CBS -- wrote:
"From my own experience visiting the troops in the Middle East, I can tell you this. Despite how the conflict has been portrayed by our glorious media, if you gave any U.S. soldier a gun with two bullets in it, and he found himself in an elevator with Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Osama bin Laden, there's a good chance that Nancy Pelosi would get shot twice and Harry Reid and bin Laden would be strangled to death."
The first female Speaker of the House is more evil than the world's most vicious terrorist?
Putting a target on Pelosi's back might make right wingers seem less racist than they really are.
Ease up on Obama.
Load up on Pelosi.
There's not much she can do to change anything.
She's not going to get any prettier.
And she's not going to turn into a right winger.
The woman represents San Francisco -- one of the most liberal cities in this country.
No one should expect her to be Ann Coulter.
I checked out Pelosi's voting record and found that we agree on most issues.
She voted to increase Medicare and Medicaid benefits. Check.
From the beginning, she opposed using military force in Iraq. Check.
She is for reforming marijuana laws. Check.
She supported a balanced budget amendment. Check.
She is for a woman's right to choose. Check.
If she would tone down the waterboarding whining, I'd like her a bit more, but for the most part I'm OK with her.
But brace yourself, fellow Hootervillers . I am about to scare the crap out of you.
The woman you love to hate -- she is two heartbeats away from the presidency.
----
Check out the Web site poll and vote for my blog topic.
Posted by at 8:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Hot sex for Christians? Is that Joe Beam or Jim Beam talking?
May 14, 2009As kid bored to tears by another Sunday morning sermon, I used to sit in a church pew and allow my imagination to entertain me.
And every once in awhile I would try to imagine the preacher and his wife having sex.
I would look up in the pulpit at Brother Jim preaching his fire and brimstone message.
Then I would glance over at Sister Ruth reverently sitting in the second row, and seemingly inspired by every inspirational word being spoken.
But as perverted a little boy as I was, not even little Nicky could imagine Brother Jim and Sister Ruth actually doing it.
I knew they had three nerdy kids, so the preacher and his wife had to have done it at least thrice.
Or can you just do it once and then let the trickle down effect produce the other two? Hey, I was 11. I didn't know all that stuff back then.
What I did know was that sex was dirty.
That was why I liked thinking about it so much.
No preacher would ever mention S-E-X from the pulpit unless he was shouting "Thou Shalt Not
Fornicate."
To which I always wanted to shout back: "Thou Shalt Not -- but I shalt"
The only people allowed to do it were married couples like Brother Jim and Sister Ruth.
And not to have fun. Only to have nerdy kids.
That's why there was only one way -- the missionary position.
If it was good enough for missionaries -- people preaching the Gospel in Bongo Bongo -- then it was good enough for married Christians in America.
Just don't enjoy it.
Now along comes some preacher named Joe Beam -- no kin to Jim Beam -- telling us to have hot sex.
If you are married -- man and woman only, he insists -- the bedroom is your playground.
Beam is supported by the San Diego Church of Christ, which probably is not endorsed by the people down at the 10th and Broad Church of Christ.
Those good 10th and Broad folks will sing "Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus," but I doubt they would want to hear a message about sweet sex.
He says oral, anal, phone sex -- all are OK between a man and his wife.
Different positions are good -- even for missionaries.
Joe Beam is now saying what Jim Beam told me years ago and Brother Jim wouldn't.
Brother Joe's sermons are hot.
You can bet little boys aren't falling asleep at the San Diego Church of Christ.
-------
Cast your vote today on this Web site as to what you would like me to blog about.
Posted by at 8:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Want to see Miss California nekid? Stay tuned to CNN
May 13, 2009Forget the awful economy.
Don't worry about the Taliban.
Swine flu? Just take two aspirin and call me tomorrow.
We've got bigger news to deal with in this country.
Miss California gets to keep her title.
Posing for pictures in your underwear is OK -- Donald Trump said so.
That was all over the TV screen while I was eating lunch at Texas Best on Tuesday.
They were still talking about it this morning.
Quick -- answer this question.
Who won the Miss USA title this year?
If you know the answer (Kristen Dalton), you're spending way too much time watching 24-hour news.
You probably knew who Perez Hilton was before he asked his dumb ass question -- 99.9 percent of the country had never heard of the guy.
And, thanks to 24-hour news TV, we all know Miss California -- sweet Carrie Prejean.
Tell me why does a state need a Miss Whats-her-name?
Not only do we have all have a Miss Whats-her-name, we also all have a Miss Whats-her-name USA.
That's because we have to send somebody to both the Miss America and the Miss USA pageants.
Miss America is the big one.
Miss USA is to beauty pageants what the NIT is to college basketball.
The "other" one.
When I was a kid, once a year we all gathered around the black-and-white TV set and cheered for Miss Texas, then sat back and admired Bert Parks' serenading the winner with "There she is, Miss America; there she is, your ideal."
But remember back then, we only had three channels.
And what do you think a young boy would rather watch -- girls in bathing suits or Lawrence Welk?
Now it's time to do away with all these beauty pageants.
They're like boxing any way. Everybody is a champion.
Miss World.
Miss Universe.
Miss International.
Miss Earth.
Miss Heaven.
Miss Hell.
Miss Purgatory.
And nobody gives a rat's ass about any of it -- until up pops Perez Hilton asking a question about gay marriage or somebody comes up with a photo of Miss Whats-her-name flashing a little T and A.
The most famous Miss America ever was one who stepped down when somebody found pictures of her in her birthday suit.
Vanessa Williams parlayed that controversy into a successful career as a singer, songwriter and actress. She has been nominated for Grammys, Emmys and Tonys.
Do you remember Suzette Chandler?
She became Miss America 1984b after the scandal.
Gotta go know.
CNN is reporting more nude photos have been found.
Of Paris Hilton.
Or maybe Perez Hilton.
Posted by at 8:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Lamar Street lunacy may be the death of me
May 12, 2009Some day, somebody is going to get killed driving this 9-block stretch on Lamar Street.
I hope it's not Nicky G, but since that's my route to lunch two or three days each week, the odds are not in my favor.
Who here in Hooterville Falls is responsible for designing this obstacle course?
Can we blame this idiocy on Jerry Lueck?
I start out turning right (north) on Lamar at 13th street.
At 12th -- a two-way street -- there is a four-way stop.
At 11th -- a one-way westbound street -- there is a two-way stop, yielding to north-south traffic.
At 10th -- a one-way eastbound street -- there is a four-way stop.
At 9th -- a one-way westbound street -- there is another two-way stop, yielding to north-south traffic.
At 8th -- a two-way street -- there is another four-way stop.
At 7th -- a two-way street -- there is another two-way stop, only unlike the ones at 11th and 9th which yield to north/south bound traffic, this one yields to east/west travelers.
At 6th -- a one-way eastbound street -- there a stop light.
At 5th -- a one-way westbound street -- there is a two-way stop, yielding to westbound traffic.
At 4th -- a two-way street -- a two-way stop yielding to northbound drivers.
Do you see what the problem is?
I stop on 12th, but not on 11th.
I stop on 10th, but not on 9th.
Then seventh is exactly the opposite of 11th and 9th -- I go, they stop suddenly becomes I stop, they go.
I have thought about just stopping at ever intersection and looking both ways before proceeding, but this drastically increases my chances of being rear-ended.
You don't have to look far to find a solution to the problem.
One block over on Travis Street, it's a two-way stop all the way with north/south yielding to east/west all the way to the one-ways on 6th and 5th.
Nobody in this town -- except for maybe Gilmore's and other body shops -- could like this b.s.
It's got to be good for their business
And it won't be long until Owens and Brumley reaps the rewards for this city's stupidity.
Mr. Mayor, you are a smart and sensible guy.
Fix this before somebody gets killed.
There's a real good chance that somebody could be me.
Posted by at 8:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Carlisle, Wright as guilty as ref for Game 3 no-call
May 11, 2009I'm getting a bit tired of all the whining by the Mavericks and their fans about Saturday night's 106-105 loss to the Nuggets.
First off, as I pointed out in my Sunday column, this game should never have come down to that 3-point winner by Carmelo Anthony.
The Mavericks put themselves in that position because of their own mistakes.
Even that non-call by Mark Wunderlich at the end was more the Mavericks' fault than the referee's.
Believe it or not -- in a game where 61 fouls were called, Dallas had a foul to give in those final six seconds, and coach Rick Carlisle said he told Antoine Wright to foul Carmelo.
He should also have told all three referees.
At the timeout, simply call them over and tell them you are going to take the foul.
If the head coach is too busy drawing up a defense, then get one of the 10 assistant coaches to talk to the refs. Surely, they weren't too busy.
Then tell Wright how to take a foul like this.
You don't go out and touch Carmelo like Wright did.
You bear hug him. Wrap you arms around him like you are about to propose.
The refs can't miss that.
After the touch foul, Wright did something really stupid.
He threw up his arms, which in the basketball world implies "I'm innocent."
About that time, Carmelo launches his 3 and it's 3-0 Denver.
The NBA quickly released a statement saying the refs missed the intentional foul.
Well, I was in the coliseum Saturday night and I also missed it.
I didn't actually see it until I saw the replay.
I can understand how Wunderlich didn't see it.
I'm not saying that the referee is guiltless.
What I am saying is that Rick Carlisle and Antoine Wright are just as guilty.
I'm not here to dog the Mavericks.
They played their butts off just to be in a position to win a game against Denver.
The Nuggets are just more athletic and more talented. And, in my opinion, much better coached.
Anybody want to argue with that?
If so, check the season record -- Denver 7, Dallas 0.
Posted by at 8:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Hug your mama; I wish I could hug mine
May 8, 2009
I wrote this several years ago, and it has appeared both in the paper and on this Web site. I really think it was one of the best things I ever wrote. So with Mother's Day coming up Sunday, I share myself and my mama with you.
------
I always get kind of sentimental at this time of year.
That's because I have always been a Mama's boy.
And, boy, do I miss my Mama.
She has been gone for almost 46 years.
I was only 16 - a month before the start of my senior year in high school - when Mama was killed. She was only 35.
Mama wasn't the June Cleaver type mother.
She was young and liked to party.
She drank cold beer and sometimes gin and tonic.
She loved to go dancing on Saturday night.
She wore short shorts back when the churches told us that all women who wore short shorts were headed straight to hell.
Mama always had a job, something most women didn't do back in those days.
She was the best damn waitress in Wichita Falls.
She was working at the old Marchman Hotel coffee shop downtown when she died.
Mama also liked sports, especially baseball and football.
She also introduced me to my first love - Marilyn Monroe.
I was a really young kid when she took me to see the movie "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes."
I fell in love with Marilyn that night.
Marilyn died young.
Mama and I cried together.
A year later Mama died.
I cried alone.
I'm not for sure, but Mama had probably been drinking the night she died. I told you she liked to party, and one of her friends had a wedding shower out at Lake Kickapoo. Doubt if those girls were drinking Kool Aid.
Driving home late that night on Highway 79, two cars crashed head on.
The driver of the 1961 Chevy Impala - my Mama -- died instantly. I was told the sudden impact slammed her head into the windshield and broke her neck.
I never got to say goodbye.
Mama never got to see her two grandchildren or her great grandson.
I believe there's a Heaven and one day we will see each other again. And Tommy, Christy and Nicholas will see the grandma they never knew.
But on this Sunday, once again, I will have to wear a white rose again on Mother's Day.
Then sometime that afternoon, I will drive to Hope Cemetery in Henrietta and stand by the small marble tombstone and stare at the words I have stared at so many times before.
Freda Gresham
Born: Sept. 5, 1927
Died: Aug. 2, 1963
Give your mama a big hug on Sunday.
I sure wish I could hug mine.
Posted by at 7:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
It's National Day of Prayer, keep away from hypocrites
May 7, 2009Barack Obama has given the religious right one more reason to hate their neighbor.
Today is the day proclaimed as National Day of Prayer and the president did not schedule a formal White House prayer service.
He's not the first president not to have one -- he's just the first in eight years not to do it.
Bush did it because it was his way or repaying his religious right buddies for getting him elected.
He didn't do anything else.
The two big issues he sided with them about -- same sex marriage and abortion -- were still issues when he left office just like they were went he took over.
Back to the original subject.
National Day of Prayer began under Truman in 1952. He signed the bill after a long Billy Graham crusade in Washington D.C. had sparked a mini revival in the nation's capital.
Ronald Reagan then designated to observe it on the first Thursday in May.
Obama will sign a proclamation today. And he will pray today.
He just didn't invite James Dobson to pray with him -- like Bush did.
I believe in prayer. I do my best to talk to my God every day.
But I'm not into public prayer.
Jesus himself today us not "to be as the hypocrites are" and pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets where men will see them. He told us to pay in a closet wit the door shut.
Go read Matthew 6:5-7 if you don't believe me.
Baptist preachers ask us to stand for "a word of prayer."
But that "word" usually turns into words -- 100s of them.
When Brother Jim starts praying for Miss. McGilicutty's bunion, he's about half way through.
Jesus gave us the example of how to pray -- the Lord's Prayer.
It is 67 words, counting the amen.
Up to now, this blog is 311 words -- long before Brother Jim ever got to blessing the old woman's sore bunion.
"Dear Gaaaaaaaaaaawd; Thank you for this beautiful day and all your many bountiful blessings."
That could be shortened to: "Thanks, Lord."
Obama says he is a Christian, and I have no reason not to believe him.
He will pray today.
I will pray today.
But we will do it in private -- like Jesus told us to do.
And we will do it in 67 words --- also like Jesus taught us.
Posted by at 8:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Gay couples have the right to be just as miserable as us
May 6, 2009The feeble mind of one Clayton Hein proposed running a poll on this Web site giving you the readers a chance to choose what I would blog about once a week.
The choices this week were:
1. What I could love to change at the Times Record News.
2. If Nick were mayor for a day.
3. Why Nick wasn't picked as editor of the Times Record News.
4. Should Texas legalize gay marriage?
My choices in order would have been: 3, 1, 2, 4.
Your choices were 4. 3 and a tie between 1 and 2.
So 54 percent of you are now going to get what you asked for.
First off, let me say I am against all marriage.
Being married four times will do that to a guy.
Some say that marriage is between a man and a woman.
In my case, it has always been between some bitch and her lawyer.
The best argument I have heard for gay marriage was:
"They have the right to be just as miserable as we are."
Believing that, here are my own thoughts on the subject.
I don't think legalizing same-sex marriage should be a state vote.
All that does is create problems when couples who are legal in one state travel to other states where they are illegal.
The United States should legalize same-sex marriages.
That may upset some of my church friends, but when you live in a free country, that freedom extends to everyone -- not just the ones who believe as you do.
If two guys or two girls say they are in love and want to be married and become Mr. and Mr. Johnson or Mrs. and Mrs. Jones, why should I or you or anyone else have the right to say they don't have that right?
Here are some of the arguments we hear against same sex marriage.
1. It is immoral.
There are certain things we of all religions can agree are immoral -- like murder and stealing.
Homosexuality is not one of those things.
We would allow bank robbers and murderers like Bonnie and Clyde to get married but refuse a couple of bankers named Billy and Clyde?
I don't believe the government should legislate morality
2. Same-sex marriages don't create the right environment for raising children.
Yeah, and divorced marriages between straight couples, always do?
My ex-wife deserted our two children when they were 10 and 13, so don't get me started here.
We allow known child molesters to get married in this country.
How hypocritical is that?
3. Marriage is for procreation.
If so, then we must never allow infertile straight couples to marry.
And post-menopausal women and post-vasectomy men must surrender their wedding rings.
4. Sodomy is illegal.
Before 2003 it was a Class C misdemeanor in Texas.
But Lawrence vs. Texas did away with that stupid law. Six years ago, the United States Supreme Court ruled 6-3 against it.
5. If we allow gay marriage, then incest, polygamy and bestial marriage will follow.
Let's not start comparing the Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi marriage to a farmer marrying his goat.
6. Marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman.
No, it's not.
I've been married to four women.
How sacred is that?
So there's your answer.
Should gay marriage be legalized?
It's OK with me.
Now, don't you wish you had voted for No. 3?
Posted by at 8:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Mexico 1, France 0; And it wasn't soccer
May 5, 2009¿Que pasa, mis amigos?
Uno mas tequila, por favor, seniorita.
I share this bilingual greeting with you today because it's May 5 -- and although you wouldn't know it by reading our paper today -- it's Cinco de Mayo.
OK, it's not Christmas or Thanksgiving or even Easter.
But it is a holiday, and all holidays have traditions.
On Valentine's Day, we give candy to the one we love.
On St. Patrick's Day, we wear green.
On Halloween, we wear a costume.
On Cinco de Mayo, we drink tequila.
For some, it's an excuse to drink.
For those of us who don't need an excuse to drink, we use Cinco de Mayo as an excuse to drink more.
For me, it's also a celebration of friendship.
In one of my first blogs years ago, I told how you how I thought I might be part Mexican.
I love being around Mexican people (especially the senoritas).
I love Mexican food.
I love the tradition of taking a siesta in the middle of the day.
So today I want to replay for you something I wrote three years ago -- my take on Cinco de Mayo.
-----
I really think Cinco de Mayo was invented by On the Border.
Check it out tonight if you don't believe me.
The place -- which on this one day expands into the parking lot -- will be packed.
There will be a whole lotta margarita drinking and enchilada eating there tonight.
The OTB used to be a Wednesday night hangout for my wife and me.
Then we showed up one night and the placed was packed -- so packed that they ran out of clean glasses in the bar.
"What's going on?" I asked the bartender.
"Cinco de Mayo," he answered.
"What's that -- a Mexican Christmas?" I said.
"More like the Mexican Fourth of July. I think it's Mexican Independence Day," he replied.
Wrong
And the bartender was Mexican.
Heck, not even all of Mexico celebrates Cinco de Mayo.
It is more of a regional holiday south of the border.
It's mainly in the city of Puebla where they celebrate The Battle of Puebla.
Back in 1862, Mexico was in debt to a lot of different countries. One of them was France.
France told them to pay up or turn over their land.
Knowing the only war France ever won was the French Revolution when Frenchmen fought Frenchmen (like an intrasquad game), the Mexicans said "Bring it on."
When the French army invaded them, the Mexican militia kicked their butt.
Then all the Mexicans ran down to the On the Border in Puebla and started drinking tequila and eating enchiladas.
Years later, Jose Cuervo came to the USA and struck gold.
Jose showed up at an On the Border and shouted out
"Happy Cinco de Mayo"
Nobody -- even the sober ones -- knew what the hell he was talking about. But they raised their glasses and toasted Cinco de Mayo.
A few years later they started celebrating Cuatro de Mayo, too.
Why not? After all it is Cinco de Mayo Eve.
Make mine on the rocks with salt.
So here we are 147 years later, celebrating the big win over the prissy Frenchmen by doing what we do best -- get drunk!
And after Cinco de Mayo, we have just 316 more days until we celebrate St. Patrick's Day and guzzle down green beer in honor of the great Irish saint who won hundreds -- maybe thousands -- converts to Christianity.
And in leading people to Christ, Patrick used the shamrock to explain the Holy Trinity. His 30-year mission ended with his death on March 17 in 461 AD.
And we Americans still drink to that, too.
Posted by at 8:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Jack has saved America; Now who will save him?
May 4, 2009
Most of you out there know that I am a big fan of "24."
In my opinion, it is the best TV drama since "The Fugitive" back in the 60s.
If our country had a real Jack Bauer on our side, al Qaeda would be out of business.
Jack would walk into a cave, grab Bin Laden by his testacles and sling his sorry ass off the mountain.
And be back in Kabul by lunchtime.
Jack has worked under every kind of president.
Black, white, crazy, horny, in a coma, a ugly, fat, cross-eyed white woman -- it doesn't matter.
He always wins.
And when Jack wins, America wins.
One Web site (bauercount.com) has kept track of all the people Jack has killed since the series began back in 200.
Right now, the body count is 229 (if you count this season's movie "Redemption," it's 242).
That means Jack kills an average of almost 33 people a day -- 1.4 per hour.
His bloodiest season was last year when he sent 49 to the undertaker.
Now, however, with just four hours to go in Season 7, our hero is dying.
He has been infected by a leak in the bioweapon he was protecting us from.
The clock is ticking.
There is no cure.
Jack Bauer can't die.
"24" can't go on without him.
Stem cell!
That's our answer.
The ugly cross-eyed woman president will OK to do it to save our hero.
Jack will survive.
"24" will survive.
I hope.
Posted by at 8:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
It's a miracle! A virgin in California
May 1, 2009According to the morning paper, the Virgin Mary is back in California.
She may be the only virgin in California. But that's a blog for another day.
No, the blessed mama of Jesus showed up on a griddle at the Las Palmas café in Calexico, a small town on the California-Mexican border.
Some masked Mexican wrestlers were in town and eating at the cafe when Mary arrived on the griddle.
"This is amazing. It's a true miracle," the one known as Mr. Tempest.
I know our God works in mysterious ways -- but do you think Jehovah. . . Yahweh. . .El Shaddai. . . I am. . . would really have Mary pop up in a greasy spoon and reveal herself to some the Great Bolo?
I am a bit skeptical, to say the least.
But the blessed virgin has showed up in some other strange places in the past -- on a rock in Ghana, an underpass in Chicago, a lump of firewood in Wisconsin, a chocolate factory in California, a pizza pan in Houston -- not to mention numerous grilled cheese sandwiches, pretzels and rocks.
Personally, I have never seen Mary. The closest I ever got was back in 1968 when my dead mother popped out of a psychedelic Beatles poster hanging on my bedroom wall.
Way back when, I did share with you another strange sighting I had back in those days.
Remember this old blog?
----
A 60-year-old woman in Colorado swears she sees Elvis' head in a rock.
She plans to sell the rock on EBay.
Well, we didn't have EBay back in 1969.
If we had, right now I just might be a millionaire rather than a hundredaire.
On a Saturday afternoon that year, I took a little trip with Dr. Timothy Leary.
Come early Sunday morning our trip had taken us to Jolly, Texas for breakfast at the Jolly Truck Stop.
I ordered scrambled eggs and toast.
A few minutes later, they showed up.
The waitress brought my food and there they were right there on my plate.
The Beatles were in my scrambled eggs.
John, Paul, George and Ringo were smiling up at me.
"I am the eggman.
They are the eggmen.
I am the walrus,
Goo goo g'joob."
I looked at my buddy across the booth and told him that the Beatles were in my scrambled eggs.
But I think he was too busy looking at Jim Morrison in his oatmeal.
Then when I looked back at my plate, John, Paul, George and Ringo were no longer playing Jolly.
The eggs were slowly moving to the other side of the plate. . .
And then there he was.
Hendrix.
Move over rover and let Jimi take over.
Jimi Hendrix looked up at me and smiled.
"Purple haze all in my brain,
Lately things just don't seem the same.
Actin' funny, but I don't know why
scuse me while I kiss the sky."
Before I could say "Hendrix is in my scrambled eggs,," Jimi had left Jolly.
Posted by at 8:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Scripps Interactive Newspapers Group