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Hirschi valedictorian needs a journalism course
August 31, 2009I'm sure Cayley Burleson is a sweet girl.
She said she is the valedictorian of the junior class at Hirschi High School, so I know she is smart.
But the kid was way off base in her "Sound Off" last week.
She wrote: "I wanted to let you know how much I did NOT appreciate the unbelievably negative way you presented your story in Saturday's paper about the Clyde-Hirschi game."
I was in no way negative in my story.
The Huskies got a bum call at the end and lost 21-20.
Without ragging on the official for making the "excessive celebration" call, I just objectively reported what happened.
Cayley wrote: "We have improved tremendously and the team has an extremely positive attitude as well as a lot more ambition this year, but of course nobody would write about that. They will only write about us having our eighteenth loss.
"Having reiterated that four times in your story and including that piece of information in your headline, it makes it seem as though we didn't even score a touchdown."
Take a journalism class.
You don't write about positive attitudes or ambition in straight game stories.
As far as the 18th straight loss, that is news. It has to be reported.
I wrote about all three of Hirschi's touchdowns.
The headline on the story was weak and did not at all reflect what happened in the game.
But the writer of a story does no write the headline for the story.
Cayley went on to say:
"Hirschi has incredible spirit and pride, even when it seems as though the whole town is against us with its newspaper fueling their taunts.
"We continue to hold our heads up and strive for success, no matter what the situation. The faculty and students work hard to show people the true heart of a Husky, and that is determination and spirit.
"There is a lot of talent on the team this year; why don't you mention some things like that? Your article is biased. Maybe the Times Record News needs some new sports writers.
"You know that Clyde was trembling when they narrowly beat Hirschi, thanks to some ridiculously controversial calls."
I respect Hirschi High School and do my best to give it equal coverage with Rider and WFHS.
Sometimes I fail.
But I still try.
I also wrote a column for Sunday saying I thought the Huskies got a really bad deal with that late call.
I respect Neil Searcy for what he has done with his team.
Thanks for reading, Cayley.
Go Huskies!
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
One spirit, one Lord, one faith? Then why so many churches?
August 27, 2009The Bible says there is:
One body.
One spirit.
One hope.
One Lord.
One faith.
One baptism.
One God and Father of all.
So please someone tell me why are there some many brands of church?
My yellow pages list 40 different categories of church.
They are all right there appropriately listed between chiropractors and cigar-cigarette dealers.
There's the Church of Christ and the Church of God.
Then there's also the Church of God in Christ.
Some are orthodox and some are unorthodox.
Some are "united," meaning I guess that some are un-united.
Some call themselves interdenominational. Some call themselves non-denominational.
There are the Seventh Day Adventist and the Seventh Day Baptist.
Speaking of Baptists, there are seven different kinds listed in the phone book.
There is one thing all of these churches have in common -- they all think they are right.
They are doing things "God's way," as if Jehovah whispered some secret in their ears and didn't let the others guys in on it.
God forbid someone playing a piano in church, the a capella Church of Christ people tell us.
God forbid sprinkling, the Baptists tell the Methodists.
We speak in tongues and you don't, the Pentecostals tell the Baptists.
We have our own special book from God and you don't, the Mormons tell everybody else.
The Catholics have their very own Pope to bless them.
Just when I think I have heard it all, I turn on my TV and see this great commercial for the church of Scientology.
Couldn't find them in our phone book, but I'm sure some day soon one will pop up in a deserted strip mall or an old Jiffy food store building.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
A eulogy for Ted Kennedy; His own words said it best
August 26, 2009"My brother need not be idealized or enlarged in death beyond what he was in life. He should be remembered simply as a good and decent man who saw wrong and tried to right it, saw suffering and tried to heal it, saw war and tried to stop it."
Those were the tearful words of Ted Kennedy as he delivered the eulogy for his brother Bobby 41 years ago.
Today, they should be repeated as our country mourns the loss of Ted Kennedy.
He was a man who was given much but spent his entire life fighting for those who had little.
A loud voice for the common man is now silent.
America weeps.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
A eulogy for Ted Kennedy; His own words said it best
"My brother need not be idealized or enlarged in death beyond what he was in life. He should be remembered simply as a good and decent man who saw wrong and tried to right it, saw suffering and tried to heal it, saw war and tried to stop it."
Those were the tearful words of Ted Kennedy as he delivered the eulogy for his brother Bobby 41 years ago.
Today, they should be repeated as our country mourns the loss of Ted Kennedy.
He was a man who was given much but spent his entire life fighting for those who had little.
A loud voice for the common man is now silent.
America weeps.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Michael Jackson 'homicide' good news for 24-hour TV
August 25, 2009Until this week, most of us had never heard of propofol.
And we wouldn't know Conrad Murray from Arthur Murray.
All that is about to change.
For the next few weeks, months and maybe even years, we will learn everything there is about both propofol and Dr. Conrad Murray.
The two are being blamed for killing Michael Jackson.
The LA coroner who did the autopsy on Michael has concluded that his death was a homicide.
Homicide, on the streets where I come from, is a nice word for murder.
The 24-hour news people are doing some serious high-fives over this news.
Now Michael Jackson will be in the news from here to eternity.
The brain washers from Fox News may even quit stirring up hate for Obama to do some of their famous "fair and unbiased" reporting on this murder.
All of these networks and useless shows like "Entertainment Tonight" are going to overload you with Michael Jackson news.
Right now they are keeping their fingers crossed that there is a big O.J.-type trial that will make celebrities out of lawyers and judges and reporters.
If you thought they overkilled Anna Nicole Smith -- well, baby, you ain't seen nothing yet.
I would not be surprised to see somebody come up with MJN -- the Michael Jackson Network.
Full 24-hour Michael coverage -- news, videos, exclusive interviews neighbors, friends, followers and everybody named Jackson.
And don't forget all those interviews with the people who make and sell and prescribe and use propofol.
If you missed the funeral, that's OK.
It will be replayed every day on MJN.
They say they are finally going to bury the King of Pop this Saturday on what would have been his 51st birthday.
But Michael Jackson isn't dead.
He will live on in 24-hour infamy.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 9:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Michael Jackson 'homicide' good news for 24-hour TV
Until this week, most of us had never heard of propofol.
And we wouldn't know Conrad Murray from Arthur Murray.
All that is about to change.
For the next few weeks, months and maybe even years, we will learn everything there is about both propofol and Dr. Conrad Murray.
The two are being blamed for killing Michael Jackson.
The LA coroner who did the autopsy on Michael has concluded that his death was a homicide.
Homicide, on the streets where I come from, is a nice word for murder.
The 24-hour news people are doing some serious high-fives over this news.
Now Michael Jackson will be in the news from here to eternity.
The brain washers from Fox News may even quit stirring up hate for Obama to do some of their famous "fair and unbiased" reporting on this murder.
All of these networks and useless shows like "Entertainment Tonight" are going to overload you with Michael Jackson news.
Right now they are keeping their fingers crossed that there is a big O.J.-type trial that will make celebrities out of lawyers and judges and reporters.
If you thought they overkilled Anna Nicole Smith -- well, baby, you ain't seen nothing yet.
I would not be surprised to see somebody come up with MJN -- the Michael Jackson Network.
Full 24-hour Michael coverage -- news, videos, exclusive interviews neighbors, friends, followers and everybody named Jackson.
And don't forget all those interviews with the people who make and sell and prescribe and use propofol.
If you missed the funeral, that's OK.
It will be replayed every day on MJN.
They say they are finally going to bury the King of Pop this Saturday on what would have been his 51st birthday.
But Michael Jackson isn't dead.
He will live forever on 24-hour news.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
How can anyone outdo Jerry? Steve Wynn just may some day
August 24, 2009I can remember seeing the Astrodome for the very first time.
It was back in the dark ages -- the 1960s.
Before cell phones, the Internet, Ipods, Blue Ray and microwave popcorn.
We had VD but not HD.
And the first domed stadium was called the "Eighth Wonder of the World."
Today, if you ever go to Houston and drive down Kirby Street, you will see a huge football stadiumj. But it's no longer the Dome.
Reliant Stadium is huge. It makes the Astrodome, which still stands beside it, look like a Porta Potty.
I thought about this last Friday night when I covered my first football game at the new Dallas Cowboys Stadium.
As large and majestic as Jerry World is, we all know that some day -- not so long from now -- somebody will build a stadium larger and more majestic.
It's hard to believe that right now, but you know it;s going to happen.
How can anybody out-do Jerry Jones?
Here's my idea.
You build a gigantic casino in Las Vegas -- and put a stadium the size of Jerry's right in the middle of it.
It will be surrounded inside by hotel rooms and slot machines and buffets and a shopping mall and quite possibly even a golf course.
Heck, build it all right in the middle of a NASCAR track.
And that 60-yard TV screen?
Make it 3-D or even better, IMAX.
When a wide receiver catches a pass, he lands in your lap.
I'll bet Steve Wynn is thinking about something like this right now.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Buttermilk -- how can anybody drink this crap?
August 20, 2009I don't drink buttermilk.
Never have. Never will.
I can't understand why anyone would drink buttermilk.
Never have. Never will.
But my wife loves it.
That should not come as a surprise to anyone who knows us.
Jenee' Gholson and I are complete opposites.
She's Beethoven. I'm the Beatles.
She's Republican. I'm Democrat.
She's outdoors. I'm indoors.
She's Coors. I'm Budweiser.
She likes riding horses. I like betting on them.
She loves a cold glass of buttermilk.
I'd just as soon drink hot horse piss.
My first introduction to buttermilk was in the school lunchroom.
I liked plain milk in its little red cartons.
I liked chocolate milk in its little brown cartons.
So surely I would like the buttermilk in those little green cartons.
I spit it up.
That had to be some of the sourest spit I've ever tasted.
Why would anybody drink this spit?
But I'm bet all of us old geezers who grew around here had grandmothers whose favorite drink was crusty cornbread pieces in glass of cold buttermilk.
"I put Fritos in mine," my wife said.
Why does that not surprise me?
She told me real buttermilk has pieces of butter in it.
"It has body," she said.
I wonder if any of the good people in Windthorst have any of that real "pieces of butter in it" buttermilk in their refrigerators.
If you do, give me a call.
My wife would love it.
I'll drink a Bud and watch her drink it.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Congratulations, Joe Brown; You really are Texoma's Best
August 19, 2009The folks in this area who actually care about the price of sorghum have spoken.
Joe Brown has been voted Texoma's Best local writer for 2009.
Larry McMurtry might want to argue with the results, but not me.
Joe Brown is one of the good guys.
And he is also a really good writer -- although only old-timers like me really know how good.
Back in his younger days, Joe wrote stories for the paper under the pen name "Hardy Culture."
It was some of the funniest stuff that has ever appeared in the Times, the Record News or the Times Record News.
Joe is a real journalist -- something you don't see much of these days.
He can write the "who, where, when and what" stuff with the best of them.
But he can also pen words that can sometimes make you cry, sometimes make you laugh and sometimes make you think.
OK, sometimes those words are misspelled, but that's what they pay editors for.
So to the sweet person who sent me a text this morning saying:
"What an injustice! Joe Brown? What a joke!"
Let me say that you really don't know my friend.
Joe Brown is a local hero in the rural area.
People in small towns around here can relate to him.
He speaks their language.
This newspaper has never had a better ambassador than "Do it Up" Brown.
Congratulations, buddy. I am just proud to call you friend.
But El Chico for "Texoma's Best" Mexican food, best margarita and best chips and salsa?
Now there's your real "What an injustice!" and "What a joke!"
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
David Farabee, please save us from these George W. clones
August 18, 2009Kay Bailey Hutchinson vs. Rick Perry.
Isn't that like George W. Bush vs. George W. Bush?
His female side vs. his male side?
God bless you, Ann Richards.
Texas certainly misses you.
It has been almost 15 years since Texas had a good Democrat in the governor's mansion.
And now two old Bush buddies are running against each other for the job.
That is not good news for the Lone Star State.
Although both Hutchinson and Perry will be trading jabs for the next nine months, the only ones who will be hurt is us Texans.
Are we just plain stupid or is there not a worthy Democrat to challenge these George W. clones?
Tom Schieffer has said he will run for governor on the Democratic ticket in 2010.
But can we really trust this guy?
Remember this is the same Tom Schieffer who was a partner with George W. when he owned the Texas Rangers.
This is the same Tom Schieffer whose good buddy George appointed as ambassador to Australia and then to Japan.
Does that mean not only do we have George vs. George in the Republican primary, we will also could have George vs. George in the general election?
God help us.
Would someone out there please call David Farabee and urge him to throw his hat into the gubernatorial ring.
Texas could use a real Democrat like him in Austin.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Pitino will pay a big tip for his favorite desert
August 17, 2009If you have not been following the juicy story about Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino, please Google him and read some of it before continuing with this blog.
It's well worth your time because this story involves three of America's favorite pastimes.
1. Sex.
2. Eating Out.
3. Sports.
Pitino had admitted he had sex with a hot blonde chick now named Karen Sypher at a restaurant six years ago.
Every guy has his own sexual fantasies.
Mine just never happened to doing it on a table at the Pioneer.
You just don't (BLEEEEEEEP) where you eat.
At my house the only thing getting stuffed on Thanksgiving is the turkey.
Pitino, however, enjoys a different kind of desert with this pre-game meal.
And now Karen wants a $10 million tip.
Extortion is the world's second oldest profession.
And like in the case of Pitino, sometimes it also involves the oldest profession.
It's pay me now or pay me later.
But you will pay.
Men and women look at this story much differently.
Women see Pitino as a husband and father who cheated and brought shame to his family.
Men are more forgiving. We understand him because truth is 90 percent of all straight males would probably screw up (pardon the pun) like just he did.
Our pea brains become infected with sexual fantasies when we are in the third grade.
They finally go away when our heart quits beating.
I'm betting this story won't be decided in some he said-she said courtroom drama.
Instead it will just go away -- quietly settled with a million dollar handshake.
Pitino will have to pay for his fun.
He just chose do pay later.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Pay now or later; Pitino will pay big tip for his desert
If you have not been following the saga of Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino, please Google him and read about it before reading this blog.
It's juicy reading because it involves all of our country's favorite pasttimes:
1. Sex.
2. Eating out
3. Sports
Pitino -- considered one of the best college coaches in the country -- admittedly had sex with a blonde chick now named Karen Sypher at a restaurant six years ago.
Every man has his own sexual fantasies.
Mine just never happened to be doing it on a table at the Pioneer,
You just don't (BLEEEEEEP) where you eat.
At my house, the only thing to get stuffed at Thanksgiving is the turkey.
Pitino apparently liked a little special kind of desert with his pre-game meal.
Now Karen wants a $10 million tip.
Extortion is the world's second oldest profession.
Sometimes -- like in the Pitino story -- it also involves the oldest profession.
It's just a case of pay me now or pay me later.
Men and women will look at Pitino quite differently.
Women see a husband and father who cheated and brought shame to himself and his family.
Men understand him better because about 90 percent of all straight males would have probably screwed up (pardon the pun) just like Pitino did.
It's not hard for a hot blonde chick to seduce a guy because ever since Adam, men have been thinking with the wrong head.
I'm betting this story does not end in some he said-she said courtroom drama.
One day, it will just go away -- settled quietly out of court.
Pitino will pay for it.
Dumb guys always do.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 7:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Democratic chairman just said what I have been thinking
August 14, 2009I don't know Allyn Arnold.
But the quote from him in today's paper tells me this guy has big kahunas.
Addressing the recent Fox-fueled ugliness at health care reform town meetings, Arnold said:
"Most of these really irate people seem to be for lack of a better word, good ol' boy redneck Southerners who have a hard time with a black man being in the White House. I think it's racial. I honestly do. And this is an opportunity to rile people up."
Arnold -- the Democratic Party chairman in Wichita County -- just said what I've been thinking for a long time.
The people he refers to are mostly good, honest people who don't even know they are racists.
It's just something that has been bred in them since birth. And it's hard to shake.
I know.
I am one of them.
My daddy was racist. His daddy probably was, too.
Most people from around here grew up that way.
Some of us recognized it and repented.
Every once in awhile, the racism bred into me will sneak up on me. But it's not the real me, so I shake it off and go on.
Others are still blind, They will never admit it.
But they were willing to believe all the lies spread about Obama when he was running for office.
He's Muslim.
He's Marxist.
He wasn't born in this country.
And now when health reform is mentioned, they talk about euthanasia.
"The President is going to kill grandpa and grandma."
The right-wingers at Fox have been fighting this guy ever since he announced he wanted to be president.
And many of the editorial columists in this paper have been Foxed.
Obama could tell Americans to "love their neighbors," and these brain-washed fools would find fault in him.
People hear it, read it, believe all the nonsense.
They go to "tea partys." They shout at town meetings.
They send out mass e-mails warning me of the evils of Obama.
How can that happen?
They aren't stupid.
Allyn Arnold knows why and had the kahunas to say it.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 7:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
A weinee roast on the courthouse lawn? Don't mess with our kids
August 13, 2009It seems like every day now when I pick up the paper, there's a local story about some pervert sexually molesting a kid.
If this keeps up, it won't be long until we have to hire a full-time child molestation reporter. He or she could share a desk with the methamphetamine reporter.
I can understand meth.
I can't understand raping little kids.
These are our children.
They play soccer. They watch Sponge Bob. They listen to the Jonas Brothers.
They are innocent.
They are helpless.
They don't deserve to be sentenced to a lifetime of nightmares just because some loser has a woody and can't get a real date.
A few weeks ago I blogged about that perverted preacher out in Texarkana who said God told him to have sex with the children of his flock.
I say cut off his holy pee-pee and feed it to the rats.
Texas should also enforce such punishment on these weirdos..
If four life sentences is not enough deterrment, life without of a pee-pee should make these pervs think twice before they rape a little kid.
Or how about a weinee roast on the courthouse lawn?
Heck, we don't need to hire a full-time reporter for that.
I'll cover it for free.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
I miss my molar and my Bud Light
August 12, 2009I lost a good buddy yesterday.
He had been by my side for more than 50 years.
I wish I had taken better care of the little guy.
Maybe he would still be here.
You don't really miss a guy like this until he's gone.
But I sure miss him today.
It's a bit hard to chew when your favorite top molar has been jerked from your head.
Poor boys like me never went to the dentist when we were kids.
In fact, it was late in life before found out that people actually had their teeth cleaned.
I always thought I was OK by brushing a little Gleem,(remember that stuff?) on them every morning.
We didn't have 50 zillion brands of toothpaste when I was a kid.
It was Gleem or Colgate -- they were the main ones in all the TV commercials.
And each one claimed that 90 percent of all dentists recommended their brand.
I couldn't argue.
I didn't know any dentists.
There was also a commercial back then selling Dentyne gum.
"Brush your breath, brush your breath, brush your breath with Dentyne"
And
"When you can't brush, chew Dentyne".
They told us that if we just chew their gum, it would prevent tooth decay up to 40 percent.
What a crock!
Can you imagine me yesterday telling my dentist -- "That X-Ray can't be right. I chew a pack of gum every day?"
Every tooth I ever lost as a kid, I pulled or one of my parents pulled for me.
Tie a string around that sucker and yank.
Put it under your pillow and a fairy shows up in your bedroom and pays you a quarter for it.
Nowadays, you sit in an uncomfortable chair and have two guys stick their fingers in your mouth.
"Now this is going to sting a bit," the dentist warned me. "Some guys squeal when I do it."
Squeal?
I haven't heard that word since "Deliverance."
Get me the hell out of here.
I think I would much rather have a long string and a fairy in my bedroom.
But my little buddy was yanked out of my mouth pretty quickly and then I was given all kinds of orders.
Don't spit. No problem.
Don't brush. OK
No hot foods. That's cool.
No commercial mouthwashes. Check.
No alcoholic beverages for 24 hours --- Hold on. Wait a damn minute.
I don't smoke cigarettes.
I don't snort coke.
I don't shoot smack.
But gosh-darn-it, I think it is my God-given right to drink a few beers in the evening.
Still I followed the doctor's orders.
I drank water last night.
Tonight, however, I will double up and make up for it.
And toast my little buddy who is no longer around.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Except for thrifty, brave and Marlboros, I might have been an Eagle
August 10, 2009Just a few days after we moved into our new house 21 years ago, a neighbor came by to ask my son if he would like to join the Boy Scouts.
He told him no.
So young Thomas missed out on the opportunity to be "physically strong, mentally awake and morally straight" like his old man.
I was a good Boy Scout.
Not a great one. Never made Eagle.
But I had a whole bunch of merit badges and made it to Star (two notches below Eagle).
I might have made Eagle if some crotchety, old scoutmaster hadn't kicked me out for smoking
The Marlboro Man could not have been a Boy Scout.
This year is the 100th anniversary for Boy Scouts, so i want to look back and examine what scouting did for me.
The oath vows that a scout will " keep myself physically strong, mentally awake and morally straight."
Physically strong? I can still unscrew the lid off a new jar of pickles.
Mentally awake? How about just awake?
Morally straight? Again, how about just straight?
One out of three is better than none out of three.
The Boy Scout motto is "Be Prepared."
In all my years as a Scout (Cub and Boy), I never asked "prepared for what?"
For retirement, for death, for a terminal illness?
The more I think about it some scoutmaster/insurance salesman must have come up with that.
But being prepared can also mean something as simple as always bringing a bunch of one-dollar bills with you when you go to Maximus.
On to the Boy Scout "Law" which says a scout is:
Trustworthy,
Loyal,
Helpful,
Friendly,
Courteous,
Kind,
Obedient,
Cheerful,
Thrifty,
Brave,
Clean,
and Reverent.
I really think I am most of that except for a couple..
I never earned my "Thrifty" merit badge.
And I also missed out on the "brave" part of the deal.
Still I think I am a better person for being a Boy Scout.
I learned first aid, got to be pretty good at Morse Code and one time cooked an entire meal (meat, potatoes and bread) on a camp fire and fed my whole troop.
My son passed up those kind of things.
But his Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Not Too Thrifty, Never Brave but Clean, and Reverent father never could beat him at video games.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Those two old bags stole our sandwiches
August 7, 2009The one thing that really, really, really pisses me off is people who cut in line.
I hate it when I'm in a long line of bumper-to-bumper traffic and someone drives up and tries to edge his car in front of me.
It's one of the reasons I like driving an old car -- if these people want to play demolition derby, they are damn sure going to get the worst of the deal.
Then there are times when you are in a long line to get in a movie or something and people show up late and have friends waiting in front of you.
Believe me, it's a good thing I don't carry a gun.
If I had been packing yesterday, I would have definitely shot a couple of old women having lunch at the Weeks Park Golf Course.
A friend and I had ordered the Traveling Bistro's famous turkey, avocado, bacon club sandwiches. As we sipped iced tea and chatted, I noticed it was taking a long time to get our order out.
I also noticed that the two old women in a booth next to us had arrived after we did, but were already eating.
When the Bistro finally waved to us that our sandwiches were ready, we went to pick them up and discovered it wasn't our sandwiches.
Wrong order.
How could that happen?
There were only four people eating lunch there.
Well, the two old women had taken our sandwiches.
The bad thing about it is we didn't order the same thing.
Were these old bags rude or just stupid?
Probably both.
"Hey, granny, you stole our (bleeping) sandwiches."
I felt like walking over and bitch-slapping both of them, but my lunch buddy is a much nicer person than I am.
The Bistro apologized and said he would get our order right out and we could have the extra sandwich for free because of the mixup.
I didn't want an extra sandwich.
I wanted the sandwiches we ordered.
So guess what happened.
They took the extra sandwich over and gave it to the rude and ignorant old bags.
They gulped down the free food and never bothered to come over to us and say "We're sorry" or "Kiss my butt" or anything.
Lucky for them -- and me -- that I don't pack heat.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Like it or not, Paula leaving 'Idol' is big news
August 6, 2009Like or not, Paula Abdul quitting American Idol is big news.
This is the most-watched show on TV -- attracting an audience of 25 million-plus.
So although sports is my real business, I am still smart enough to understand that what Paula Abdul does is bigger news than Brett Favre,
I am not an American Idol fan.
I admit I do watch the early shows to laugh at the goofballs. But when it gets down to the serious, talented performers, I switch the dial.
I have watched enough Idols to know the show will miss Paula more than it would Randy Jackson and Ryan Secrest.
Jackson is like Larry in the Three Stooges.
You might miss him if he's now there, but he's not Moe or Curly.
Secrest?
This guy just signed a new three-year, $45 million contract.
What perverted stuff did this guy have to do to get this gig?
I'm not sure if on-the-air Paula Abdul is high, drunk or just plain dumb, but the girl is interesting.
She is also hot -- especially for a woman just three years away from the big 5-Oh.
That's right -- Paula Abdul is 47.
Hard to believe for a guy like me whose 30-year-old kids used to listen to her music when they were teenagers.
The rumor is that Paula wanted $20 million a year, and Idol only offered half of that.
Considering that Secrest got $15 million, I can see why she might be pissed.
But the show will go on without her just like it would without Jackson or even Secrest.
The real star of Idol is Simon Cowell.
This guy makes $36 million a year, but without him, there is no show.
Kara Dioguardi -- another singer this old guy has never heard of -- will probably just scoot over into Paula's seat.
Don't know who she is -- but her legs are definitely worth watching.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Freeing journalists in North Korea another win for Clinton
August 5, 2009I actually went to RushLimbaugh.com today to see what this right wing idiot had to say about Bill Clinton's helping win the freedom of two U.S. journalists from a North Korean jail.
But Rush was way too busy taking jabs at our current president.
I would not be surprised if this jerk was not behind those "Joker" posters in LA.
Rush has been riding Clinton's butt for 11 long years.
Even during the eight years that George W. was screwing up the country, Rush was attacking Bill and Hillary.
When Clinton left the White House, his 66 percent approval rating was the highest a president has had since World War II.
You never heard that from Rush Limbaugh.
Nor will you hear him talk about how Clinton's post-presidential effort to fight famine, poverty and disease in Africa.
So don't expect the right wingers to applaud the 42nd president for meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jong II and negotiating the freedom of Euna Lee and Laura Ling.
Some presidents display the kind of men they are after they leave the Oval Office.
Clinton is a perfect example.
If you still remember this guy for Monica Lewinsky, well, you probably also listen to Rush.
Many Republicans will point to Jimmy Carter as "the worst president" of all time.
But since leaving Washington, Carter has become a loud advocate for human rights around the world; a key figure in the Habitat for Humanity project and a Sunday school teacher.
George H. Bush joined his old rival Clinton in seeking aid for victims of Hurricane Katrina and the Indian Ocean tsunami.
What is George W. doing these days to make this country and this world a better place?
The same thing he did the previous eight years --- absolutely nothing.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
'Flatulence' the safe way to say you-know-what
August 4, 2009My big boss came by yesterday to tell me that he didn't mind seeing the word "fart" in a blog, but he wasn't too thrilled about having it in the middle of the Times Record News Web site.
Hooterville Falls just isn't ready for that.
So I started searching for substitute words.
There's always the reliable "poot."
But "poot" just does not have the same impact or effect as "fart."
And neither does "toot."
Throw that out right now.
We could be proper and say "flatulence."
"Fairway flatulence proves Tiger Woods is human."
But half the people out there don't have a clue what flatulence is, and I never wanted to be a writer who makes people go find a dictionary.
"Passing gas" would be proper, but even the folks of Hooterville really don't use that term when a fart slips out.
Here are some of my other favorite "fart" substitutes.
Break wind.
Cut the cheese
Step on a duck.
Step on a frog.
Ripsnorter.
Pop tart.
Backdoor trumpet.
Bubbler.
Morning thunder.
Heiny burp.
Prub. (burp spelled backwards)
Rump ripper.
Trouser trumpet.
Thunder below.
"Tiger's backdoor trumpet
on 18 is a real rump ripper"
I'm sure Hooterville Falls isn't ready for that headline.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 9:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
'Flatulence' the safe way to say you-know-what
My big boss came by yesterday to tell me that he didn't mind seeing the word "fart" in a blog, but he wasn't too thrilled about having it in the middle of the Times Record News Web site.
Hooterville Falls just isn't ready for that.
So I started searching for substitute words.
There's always the reliable "poot."
But "poot" just does not have the same impact or effect as "fart."
And neither does "toot."
Throw that out right now.
We could be proper and say "flatulence."
"Fairway flatulence proves Tiger Woods is human."
But half the people out there don't have a clue what flatulence is, and I never wanted to be a writer who makes people go find a dictionary.
"Passing gas" would be proper, but even the folks of Hooterville really don't use that term when a fart slips out.
Here are some of my other favorite "fart" substitutes.
Break wind.
Cut the cheese
Step on a duck.
Step on a frog.
Ripsnorter.
Pop tart.
Backdoor trumpet.
Bubbler.
Morning thunder.
Heiny burp.
Prub. (burp spelled backwards)
Rump ripper.
Trouser trumpet.
Thunder below.
"Tiger's backdoor trumpet
on 18 is a real rump ripper"
I'm sure Hooterville Falls isn't ready for that headline.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Fairway fart proves Tiger Woods is human
August 3, 2009I do it.
You do it.
The president does it.
The pope does it.
Heck, even Queen Elizabeth does it every once in awhile.
Although women like to call it a "toot," a fart is a fart.
Some are silent. Some are loud.
Some stink. Some don't.
In fact, most farts go completely unnoticed.
Probably 85 to 90 percent of the farts you have cut were not heard or smelled by anyone.
But when Tiger Woods farts, everybody listens.
And Tiger cut a big one while standing on the 18th fairway at the Buick Open on Sunday.
The microphones catche it -- as wives all across the country hear the boom in the next room and ask their husbands, "Was that you?"
"No, it was Tiger," they answer.
The most famous golfer in the world just ripped a big fart on national television.
He laughs. His caddy laughs.
Can you imagine if this had been Augusta?
And I thought Joey Sindelar showed himself to be human when he badly shanked a pitch shot at the U.S. Senior Open Saturday.
Anybody who has ever played the game knows that feeling.
But with that fairway fart, the greatest golfer on the planet went one up on that "human" meter on Sunday.
Anybody who has ever breathed knows that feeling.
We just never got paid $918,000 after doing it.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
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