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Pot bust not big news in 2009, but Rev. Al in Hooterville is
September 30, 2009"Ladies and gentlemen," the American Eagle flight attendant said, "we are beginning our approach into Hooterville Falls.
"Please set your watches back 40 years."
I was reminded of that old joke this morning while reading our newspaper.
Only in Hooterville Falls would seizing 10 pounds of marijuana be considered a major drug bust and be a front page new story;
The top story of the day, however, was worth reading.
Al Sharpton will be speaking at MSU tonight.
Give my alma mater a round of applause for bringing in interesting speakers for its Artist Lecture Series.
Like his pal Jesse Jackson, he is a reverend without a church, but he has had a loud voice in this country for many years.
With Sharpton, you never know what you might year.
Fifteen years ago while speaking to an audience at Kean University in New Jersey, Sharpton was quoted as saying :"White folks was in caves while we was building empires. We taught philosophy and astrology and mathematics before Socrates and them Greek homos ever got around to it."
Rev. Al has spent a lifetime defending and apologizing for his words.
He has also run for the Senate three times, major of New York City once and president once.
He remains a reverend without a church but a guy who can bring in $25,000 for a 30-minute sermon.
Not bad.
If it weren't my poker night, I would love to hear Sharpton.
I am sure there are others who would like to hear him, too, so why does MSU hold events like this in tiny Akin Auditorium.
If Diamond Rio rates D.L. Ligon Coliseum, surely a guy like Sharpton does.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
From worst to first? Nickstrodomus is back
September 28, 2009After seeing my 4-12 picking record after the first week of the NFL season, an old poker pal of mine sent me an e-mail saying:
"My dog got six right."
I tried to explain to G-Dawg that I was on vacation that week and the obit clerk did my picking for me.
But all his narrow mind could see was 4-12 and me at the rear end of the standings.
Wonder what he will say this week.
With one game left (Panthers at Cowboys tonight), I the Nickstrodomus of the NFL am 11-4 for the week.
It's a sure thing that I will move from last to a tie for second place.
If the Cowboys cover the 9 1/2 tonight, I will be in a three-way tie for first place.
From worst to first in just two weeks.
Let your stupid OU butt-licking dog try that.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 7:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
From worst to maybe first? Nickstrodomus is back
After seeing my 4-12 picking record after the first week of the NFL season, an old poker pal of mine sent me an e-mail saying:
"My dog got six right."
I tried to explain to G-Dawg that I was on vacation that week and the obit clerk did my picking for me.
But all his narrow mind could see was 4-12 and me at the rear end of the standings.
Wonder what he will say this week.
With one game left (Panthers at Cowboys tonight), I the Nickstrodomus of the NFL am 11-4 for the week.
It's a sure thing that I will move from last to a tie for second place.
If the Cowboys cover the 9 1/2 tonight, I will be in a three-way tie for first place.
From worst to first in just two weeks.
Let your stupid OU butt-licking dog try that.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 7:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
My sick, My tired of the nauseating 'My Bad'
September 24, 2009"My bad" is making My sick and My tired.
I hear it everywhere I go.
At church.
At work.
At the poker table.
At the golf course.
At ballgames.
At the grocery store.
At restaurants and watering holes.
I'm not exactly sure when it became a part of the English language. But I do wish it would go away.
The phrase is stupid and annoying.
Plus it is grammatically wrong.
My is an adjective. Bad is an adjective.
You may have been asleep in high school English class when the teacher told you that an adjective can not modify another adjective. If it did, it would be an adverb.
Some say Manute Bol got it all started when he came to the NBA in the 1980s.
When he threw a bad pass or did something wrong on the court, the Sudanese center would say "My bad" instead of "My fault."
His Golden State teammates then started saying it and it caught on in the NBA.
From the NBA, it probably went to the streets.
Then to the schools.
To the movies ("Clueless")
To television ("Scrubs")
And eventually it ended up everywhere in my life.
So the next time you see me, please avoid "My bad."
If you say it, "My pissed."
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
One-time offer for idiots; buy a brain for only $19.95
September 23, 2009I've only got one thing to say to you poor souls out there who sent $19.95 to a post office box in order to collect your millions in a sweepstakes giveaway.
Are you out of your (bleeping) mind?
I'm betting the only diploma hanging on your wall is from a defensive driving school.
If it isn't bad enough that you are buy into this scam, it's even worse that you would call somebody and admit doing it.
We had a front page story in the paper on Tuesday where the Better Business Bureau in Hooterville Falls reported "We got a lot of calls on that last week. It was pretty steady."
You might as well have sent Nicky G another $20 and I would have sent you a scarlet "D" to wear around and let the whole world know what a dumb ass you are.
That's OK. I still have an offer no idiot can resist.
I am now selling brains.
When God passed out brains, you fools thought he said "rain" and grabbed an umbrella.
So send me $19.95 and I will put a brand new brain in the mail for you today.
And a limited time only, I will throw in that scarlet "D" absolutely free.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
George W. flipped tails --- how fitting
September 22, 2009George W. Bush took time off from his busy schedule of searching for weapons of mass destruction to show up for Jerry Jones' big shindig on Saturday night.
He flipped the coin at midfield to help open the new Cowboys Stadium.
The Giants called heads.
George W. flipped tails.
Tails was so symbolic of the eight horse's ass years of his presidency.
If Jerry had invited Bill Clinton instead, the Giants would have probably won the flip.
He would have flipped heads -- what his eight years in the Oval Office are best remembered for.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)
Joe McCarthy would be a star on Fox News
September 18, 2009Poor Joe McCarthy.
He was born 50 years too late.
If he were around toestday, he would have his own shown on Fox News.
The Republican senator would be making millions of dollars doing what he did best, pointing his finger and calling people communists, socialists, atheists and czars.
Beck, O'Reilly, Hannity, Gingrich and McCarthy.
The more hate the better.
The "fair and balanced" network would love it.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 7:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
I.d.e.a.: turn Castaway Cove into a Hooters water park
September 17, 2009Memo to the people running this i.d.e.a.WF program -- stamp Nicky G's name on that $20,000 check.
I think I've got a business idea for you that nobody can beat.
It would also solve the financial problems of the Castaway Cove owners and take the good tax-paying folks of Hooterville Falls off the hook for a $4 million bailout.
Turn Castaway Cove into the first ever Hooters water park.
What better place to do it than Hooterville Falls?
Start listing all the great attractions our town has.
The Crepe Myrtle in the park?
The littlest skyscraper?
The chocolate falls?
A Beanie Burger?
The chick with the long eyelashes?
In other words -- Nada.
But people would come from miles around to see the first-ever Hooters water park.
OK, I am a grandpa and I don't want to take this water park away from little kids.
But we don't have to.
Open the park up for kids and their families in the daytime.
Then shut it down around 6 or 6:30 in the evening and party down all night.
Beer, big screen TVs, a big pool and hooters galore.
Hopefully, that i.d.e.a.WF check is in the mail.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
Nicky G a Pro Football Hall of Famer forever
September 16, 2009I have never fumbled once in an NFL game.
Never thrown an interception.
Never missed a field goal.
Never missed a tackle or a block.
At the same time, my NFL stat sheet reads:
Zero carries. Zero catches. Zero passes. Zero yards.
I am one big Zero.
Yet Nicky G is in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.
Yep, I'm there enshrined in Canton forever.
On my trip to Cleveland last week, my best buddy and I drove to Canton for our first ever visit to the pro football shrine.
The best thing about the Hall is this one huge room which contains all the busts of the inductees.
The room is dark and the mood is somber.
The only lights shine on the busts, which are displayed in chronological order of induction.
There are three video terminals at the end of the room in which you can see the highlights of the careers of each inductee.
As I was viewing Roger Staubach's career, I saw myself.
It was 1979, the final game of the regular season at Texas Stadium.
Staubach lobs a touchdown pass to Tony Hill and there I am standing on sidelines at the goal line right next to the pylon.
Nicky G, a pro football Hall of Famer forever.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame - A whop bop-a-lu a whop bam boo
September 15, 2009I am not exactly sure what "A whop bop-a-lu a whop bam boo" means, but it stirred something up inside of me that has lasted a lifetime.
Ever since I first heard Little Richard sing Tutti Frutti, I am loved rock and roll.
So you can imagine what it was like for me last week when I finally got to visit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland.
Halls of fameare like buffets to me.
You feel like you have to eat everything offered to get filled up.
But there is not way you can handle it all.
So I skipped hip-hop just like I would cauliflower and feasted on most of everything else.
Little Richard, Fats Domino, Jerry Lee Lewis, Buddy Holly -- those were my favorites as a kid.
Good Golly,. Miss Molly.
Blueberry Hill.
Great Balls of Fire.
Peggy Sue.
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame lets an old fart like me re-live my childhood in music.
And then came the Beatles and the Stones and Woodstock.
Hendrix, Joplin and the Doors.
Soaking in a lifetime of music in just a few hours.
Three things really stuck out in my visit to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland.
One was the building itself. What amazing architecture.
Two was the memorial to Alan Freed, the disc jockey in Cleveland credited with the radio birth of rock and roll. His ashes are there on display. To quote Jim Morrison, "people are strange."
Three was a letter written from prison by Charles Manson to Rolling Stone magazine offering to do an interview in exchange for a subscription. Again, real strange.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
A big fat contract for the big fat idiot
September 14, 2009I will never again complain about how much money any professional athlete gets.
If the Yankees want to pay A-Rod $100 million a year, so be it.
Adrian Peterson is also worth that kind of cash. So is Kobe and Lebron.
Hell, give Tony Romo a big raise. For that matter, add a whole bunch of zeroes to Jon Kitna's pay check.
At least these guys are athletes/entertainers.
Rush Limbaugh is still nothing but a big fat idiot.
Yet I just read where this right wing radio talk show fanatic - the biggest curse on this country since Joe McCarthy - has a brand new $400 million contract.
It is the biggest radio deal since Sirius gave Howard Stern $100 million a year for five years.
"But he has a big following," my wife said when I told her about Rush's big fat contract.
"Yeah," I answered, "but so did Hitler."
Evil tyrants usually do.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Class A misdemeanors aren't front page news
September 7, 2009I am leaving on vacation for a week, so this is my last blog until next Monday.
If I still have a job next Monday, that is.
I say that because I am about to criticize our newspaper for the way we played a story last Saturday.
A jailer is accused of cutting off water for 12 hours to a prisoner in solitary confinement. He confesses to doing it, is charged with a Class A misdemeanor and released on $1,500 bond.
From what I read, a person living in a temperature of 80 degrees can survive without water for about nine days. So this prisoner was not in danger of dying.
The story was bannered across the top of the front page with a mug shot of the jailer.
Once upon a time I worked as news editor of this paper, so I have some experience in this area. In other words, I know what I am talking about.
This was overkill.
The story was defintely not Page 1 news. not even on a slow news day.
In fact, I'm not so sure it was even news.
Not even here in Hooterville Falls.
See ya in a week.
I hope.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 7:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Just another weird day in the life of a sports writer
September 4, 2009Back when I was in college, majoring in journalism and dreaming of being the next Blackie Sherrod, I didn't really know what life as a sports writer really was like.
All I wanted to do was cover games from a press box, get good parking, eat free buffets and be able to interview big-name athletes.
I didn't know about days like yesterday.
When I got to work on Thursday morning, I had an e-mail from my boss sending me an e-mail from an angry reader.
It read:
"Hello my name is (D.W.) and I have subscribed to your paper for many years, and I just want to bring to your attention that I will no longer be recieving your paper when my subscription expires.The reason for my decision is Nick Gholson, this writer is an IDIOT, in his college football pick spread he does not even put Texas Tech on there. Do yall realize that Tech is closer to Wichita Falls than UT, and TAM. TRN never reports any news on Tech at all, there are more graduates of TECH in this town than UT or TAM. I work in the oil feild, and if I make one mistake my job is in jeopardy, this BAFOON has put Auburn, and TAM playing against La. Tech. Im sure that in all the time that this Moron sits at a desk, that he could at least get the teams that are playing each other right. The best decision that you could make today would be to FIRE this RETARD."
He gave his full names, but I only use initials here to save this BAFOON from embarrassment. I did not, however, clean up his spelling or grammar or punctuation. If a BAFOON is going to call someone a buffoon, he should at least use spell check, don't you think?
Obviously this guy is not a graduate of Texas Tech. He is just a fan of their football team because his trailer house is closer to Lubbock than it is to Austin.
I have nothing against Tech. In fact I can really appreciate a team that can win so many games with a drunk head coach on the sidelines.
The reason we did not include Tech in the college point spreads this week is because the Red Raiders are opening with North Dakota, a non Division I team. The bookie who provides us with point spreads does not put this game on his sheet. He also did not offer a spread for the game between No. 1 Florida and Charleston Southern.
When I explained this to my boss, she let the RETARD keep his job a little longer.
Then my day ended with a phone interview with a guy who must be suffering from Alzheimer's.
He answered my first question with "Who are you?"
He answered my second question with "Who am I?"
Should make for a great story.
I would find another job, but I'm too old and too stupid to do anything else.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 7:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
What do we need to do to impeach a superintendent?
September 3, 2009It was bannered across the front page of today's newspaper.
Our new school superintendent will not allow our children to hear our President's special address to American students next week.
Conflicts with education protocol, he says.
Bad timing.
A disruption in the school day.
Bull you-know-what!
If you read our newspaper for the next nine months, you will find many frivolous school activities.
The Harlem Globetrotters can come to schools and talk to our kids.
Herschel Walker was here last year.
When I was in school here, we had magic shows and pep rallies and all kinds of fun things that took time away from schoolwork.
But God forbid the President of the United States encouraging our children to study hard and focus on education.
Yet the loony right wing, Obama-hating, brain-washed Fox friends across this country are turning something good into a political battle.
The chairman of the Republican party in Florida, the state that helped George W. Bush steal the presidency, has called Obama's speech an attempt to "indoctrinate America's children to his socialist agenda."
"The idea that school children across our nation will be forced to watch the President justify his plans for government-run health care, banks, and automobile companies, increasing taxes on those who create jobs, and racking up more debt than any other President, is not only infuriating, but goes against beliefs of the majority of Americans, while bypassing American parents through an invasive abuse of power," Jim Greer said in a press release.
Other Obama-haters are telling parents to let their kids skip school next Tuesday.
Our own superintendent -- George Kazanas, R-Wichita Falls -- has not used such harsh words but his actions speak loud to all of us.
So I ask what do we need to do to impeach a superintendent?
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)
Snuggies: Coming soon under Christmas trees everywhere
September 2, 2009America will buy anything.
Inflatable luggage.
Bamboo steamers.
Bowflex.
Thighmaster.
Dog crap.
But wait, there's more.
Snuggies.
Get your credit card out right now.
For $14.95, you, too, can look like an idiot.
Wrap yourself up in a blanket dress.
Sit on the couch with your laptop.
Watch porn and play with yourself.
If you've missed the Snuggies infomercial, check it out for yourselves.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xZp-GLMMJ0
The fleece blanket with arms -- why didn't I think of that.
I would be a zillionaire.
The Snuggie is similar to the famous hospital gown we all know and love.
You just slip it on backwards.
The first Snuggie infomercials just suggested wearing them around the house.
But now they are showing couples in Snuggies at a bar.
Or couples in their Snuggies at a movie.
Next it will be Snuggies in church.
At school. At work.
You go to pick up your date and she comes to the door in a leopard skin Snuggie.
Obama will give his next State of the Union Address wearing a blue Snuggie.
Snuggies will soon take over the world.
Like the necktie did years ago.
Come December, they will be gift-wrapped underneath Christmas trees all across this country.
But wait, there's more.
Not really.
I just wanted to say that one more time.
In memory of Billy Mays.
Posted by Nick Gholson at 8:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
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