Bloggers have no job security -- so goodbye!
November 5, 2007This is my final blog.
Just can't afford the risk.
I need my paycheck.
I need my health insurance.
Rishawn Biddle needed his, too.
But the Indianapolis Star editorial writer is now out of a job.
A blog did him in.
Biddle, a black man, blasted a city-county council president, who is also black.
One Web site said the blog was titled: "The Indianapolis Black Democrat minstrel show."
The editor of the Star fired Biddle and apologized to readers for the insensitivity of his blog.
I am real good at insensitivity. That's why I can't take a risk doing something I don't get paid for.
I'm the "sports guy." I write these blogs for the freedom of expression. I do it for free because I enjoy it.
But what happened to Biddle -- even if he deserved it -- scares the holy crap out of me.
Continue reading "Bloggers have no job security -- so goodbye!"
Posted by at 8:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)
Rider-Coyotes -- let's double the fun
November 2, 2007The Hooterville Falls school district and the police department don't like Rider-Coyote week.
I would like to see two of them.
My suggestion for the Times Record News Kickoff Classic in 2008 is Rider vs. Coyotes -- Part I.
So what if the Coyotes and Raiders end the regular season playing each other? Why not let them start the season too?
Rider coach Scott Ponder said he would love it.
WFHS coach Travis Pride said no way.
Both know that the current balance of football power is leaning heavily to the southwest -- in Rider's direction.
Continue reading "Rider-Coyotes -- let's double the fun"
Posted by at 7:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Dropping the "D bomb" from the pulpit
November 1, 2007My preacher dropped the "D bomb" in church last Sunday.
The walls trembled.
The foundation shifted.
Old women gasped, then placed their hands over the ears of some children sitting near them.
God turned his face away from us.
And I missed it.
It zipped right past me unnoticed.
I must be calloused.
The preacher embarasses himself, the church and the Lord Himself, and I missed it?
What could I have been thinking?
What's for lunch? ----- Again!!!
Continue reading "Dropping the "D bomb" from the pulpit"
Posted by at 6:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Ex-witch, urban legend madman screwed up Halloween
October 31, 2007It is Halloween -- one of the really fun kid holidays of the year --- and one that grown-ups have been trying to screw up for years.
When my kids were little, my wife refused to have anything to do with Halloween.
It was Satin's day, she said.
Anybody who goes trick or treating is worshiping the devil.
Bull hockey!!!
Dressing up like Popeye and going out and getting candy from the neighbors will not cast a kid or his parents into an eternal lake of fire.
So I took the kids trick or treating every year -- Ms. Satin herself stayed home.
When I was a kid, we trick or treated all over town.
We even walked to the rich neighborhood where the Ebner family gave out hot dogs and their friends handed out carmel apples or sometimes even nickels and quarters.
I only allowed my kids to go to houses of people I knew.
They trick or treated in the neighborhood and then I drove them around town to knock on the doors of people we knew. We also hit all the businesses giving out stuff.
The reason: There was some madman out there putting razor blades in apples.
Continue reading "Ex-witch, urban legend madman screwed up Halloween"
Posted by at 1:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Why would anybody be a proctologist?
October 28, 2007I remember as a little boy, grown-ups were always asking:
"What do you want to be when you grow up, little boy?"
Never once did I say.
Proctologist.
Urologist.
Or gynecologist.
I don't know of any little boy whose career goal is looking up people's pookies.
Continue reading "Why would anybody be a proctologist?"
Posted by at 6:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Cheating Patriots have a grudge
October 26, 2007I have been doing a Friday morning sports commentary on The Buzz for about three years.
But most of you have probably never heard it.
Radio, like these blogs, gives me a freedom of expression that a family newspaper just can't.
So I am sharing with you here what I had to say on radio this morning:
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I'm getting sick and tired of the New England Patriots.
OK, so they are the best team in the NFL on the seventh week of the season.
What do you get for that, Bill Beliprick? Not a damn thing.
This 16-game FU tour is going to come back and bite you in the butt, Bill. Maybe not this week. Maybe not next year. But it's true what they say about going around and coming around, jerk.
Continue reading "Cheating Patriots have a grudge"
Posted by at 7:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
What are you waiting for? Give it 27, 28, maybe 64 years
October 25, 2007A man recently received a postcard from a friend.
It was written in 1943.
The card, written by Japanese soldier Nobuchika Yamashita, was mailed from a World War II battlefield in Burma 64 years ago.
It traveled from Burma to Nagasaki to Arizona to Hawaii before reaching 80-year-old Shizuo Nagano.
The young soldier was 23 when he died in 1944.
A photographer delivered wedding photos to a couple last Thursday.
They were married in 1980.
I have had three wives while they were waiting to get their pictures.
When the couple was married 27 years ago, they didn't have $150 to pay for their photos.
The photographer, now 80, found them while "cleaning out some of my old things" and returned them to the diner where the wife now works.
She cried and then wrote him a $150 check.
Then he cried for being such a butthole in 1980.
Continue reading "What are you waiting for? Give it 27, 28, maybe 64 years"
Posted by at 8:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
God wrote it; I typed it; Paul Harvey plagarized it
October 24, 2007 I have written a whole bunch of stuff in the last 35 1/2 years -- some good, some bad. But nothing I ever wrote got as much attention as a column that appeared in our paper on Sept. 5, 1999.
The courts had just ruled out pre-game prayers at football games in Texas. I looked on it as just one most right being taken away from us Christians. So I sat down in my living room and wrote this column.
I had no idea at the time that it would appear in newspapers and church bulletins all over the country.
I was interviewed on a Washington D.C. radio station.
It has gone around the world and back several times, thanks to the World Wide Web.
Believers love it. Atheists despise it.
That makes me doubly proud.
Friends I have made the last eight years -- even my mother-in-law -- had a copy of the column that someone had e-mailed to them. But they didn't know I had written it until they met me.
That's because Paul Harvey has taken a lot of credit for it.
It appeared online in "Paul Harvey says," but Paul Harvey never said it.
Truthorfiction.com will verify this.
Check out this link --- http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/g/gholson.htm
But truth is I didn't write it either.
I am not that good a writer. You all know that.
Give God credit for this one. His Spirit wrote it. I just did the typing.
If you have already read it, read it again.
It's worth your time.
Continue reading "God wrote it; I typed it; Paul Harvey plagarized it"
Posted by at 7:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Jeffress quickly makes headlines in Dallas
October 23, 2007It didn't take long for our old buddy, Robert Jeffress, to make headlines in Dallas.
Give this guy credit, he knows how to get folks riled up.
And sometimes -- the headlines he makes -- don't really say what he said.
That just throws gasoline on the fire.
For instance, the headline on the Dallas Morning News web site read:
"Dallas Minister: Vote for a Christian, not Mitt Romney."
Close, but wrong.
What the former First Baptist Hooterville Falls and now First Baptist Dallas pastor said in his Sept. 30 sermon was: "If a person is supporting Romney, that's fine. But don't confuse him with being a Christian."
Romney, a Republican candidate for president, is a Mormon.
Baptists, like Jeffress, believe the Mormon church is a cult.
That's not news.
"Cult," to me is too strong of a word.
Jim Jones purple Kool-Aid drinkers were a cult
David Koresh's Branch Davidians were a cult.
Heaven's Gate was a cult.
To lump the Mormons in with those nuts is just wrong.
But, like Jeffress, I also don't believe the Mormon Church is really a Christian church.
Continue reading "Jeffress quickly makes headlines in Dallas"
Posted by at 8:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Goodbye to three stars
October 19, 2007We said goodbye to three stars this week.
Joey Bishop, the last of the Rat Pack, died at age 89.
Debroah Kerr, remembered mostly for her kissing scene with Burt Lancaster in "From Here to Eternity," is gone at age 86.
Teresa Brewer, one of the most famous female singers of the 1950's, died at 79.
Bishop was the biggest name of the three, just because of his association with Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr. and Peter Lawford in the famed Rat Pack.
The original Ocean's 11 was a really good movie with a clever ending.
Joey Bishop tried to be Johnny Carson but failed.
What the late-night "Joey Bishop Show" on ABC did was discover an even bigger name.
Regis Philbin was to Bishop in 1969 what Ed McMahon was to Johnny Carson.
Continue reading "Goodbye to three stars"
Posted by at 6:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Bowling, bowling, bowling -- keep those balls a rolling
October 18, 2007I woke up this morning feeling like Don Carter.
Just in case you don't know who Don Carter is -- and shame, shame, shame on you if you don't, he was once upon a time the bowling champeen of the whole wide world.
Don Carter wasn't one of those "sling it and bring it" style bowlers like you see on TV today. He had this old-fashioned form and style. He was bowling 300 games and 800 series long before fancy equipment and technology watered down the sport.
They've made the game so easy that even an old fart like me like do it.
And last night I did it better than I ever have.
I bowled a 695 series.
Continue reading "Bowling, bowling, bowling -- keep those balls a rolling"
Posted by at 8:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
60 years of bliss? Put in on the front page
October 17, 2007We always bury their story back in the "C" section of the Sunday paper.
But, to me, it's front page news.
Any man who can stay married to the same woman for 60 years -- now that's a big story.
I have been married for almost half of my life now.
Next July 4, I will celebrate my 29th anniversary.
One year with my first wife.
14 with No. 2.
6 with No. 3.
And 8 with No. 4.
At that rate, I would need four wives to reach 60.
Either that or my wife Jenee' and I would have to put up with each other for another 31 years.
So now you see why I think 60-year anniversary stories are front page news.
And if you have checked out our Sunday paper recently, you know it could use some news on the front page.
Continue reading "60 years of bliss? Put in on the front page"
Posted by at 8:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Happy Big Boss Man Day to You
October 16, 2007You probably didn't know it, but today is a holiday.
National Boss Day.
We didn't decorate this year.
Didn't put up our Boss Day tree.
Didn't hang up a Darrell Coleman blow-up doll in our front yard.
Didn't do any Boss Day shopping.
No Boss Day turkey and dressing will be served tonight.
In fact, I didn't even know it was Boss Day until I read our editorial page today.
So how do I celebrate this holiday?
(A.) Kiss Darrell's butt.
(B.) Buy Darrell a new tie.
(C.) Kiss Darrell's butt.
(D.). Take Darrell to lunch
(E.) Kiss Darrell's Butt.
(F.) Go to Darrell's office and sing Happy Boss Day.
(G.) Kiss Darrell's Butt
Pucker up, Nicky boy.
Continue reading "Happy Big Boss Man Day to You"
Posted by at 8:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Why not Dogpatch Elementary? At least we know where it is
October 12, 2007When all this talk about naming the two new schools started, a friend told me I should ask to be on one of the naming committees.
With all the good choices for names out there, I was confident that anybody could come up with a couple of good ones.
I was wrong.
Did you read in our paper today the 10 possible names these two commitees came up with?
Southern Hills Elementary or Southern Hills Academy?
This works for a Tulsa golf course where there are hills.
Where are the hills in Southern Hills?
Scotland Park Elementary?
Wow, how long did it take to come up with that?
Falls Valley Elementary?
Really stupid but not nearly as stupid as the next one -- Lone Star Academy. That was the worst of the bunch.
And then there is always Riverview Elementary.
We're not naming a cemetery here, folks.
Continue reading "Why not Dogpatch Elementary? At least we know where it is"
Posted by at 7:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
My vote counts, and that's what's wrong with America
October 11, 2007Channel 3 sent a cameraman to our office yesterday to do a "get out the vote" promo.
I had a big speech prepared on why we should vote.
I wanted a picture of Jerry Luecke sitting on my desk while I was on camera.
But all they wanted were three words.
So that's whay I gave them.
With a face made for radio, I smiled into the camera and said "My vote counts."
I still had my speech in my pocket.
Now you are going to get it today.
"My vote counts -- and that's what is wrong with America"
By Nicky Gholson
If voting for presidents was like playing baseball -- I would never be in the starting lineup. In fact, I would get kicked off the team quicker than you can say George W. Bush.
Continue reading "My vote counts, and that's what's wrong with America"
Posted by at 7:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
"Please see TENNIS on Page 3A:"
October 10, 2007Before I write this, I want to apologize to my loyal readers for not being loyal to you.
I have not been consistent writing these blogs mainly because football season is a busy time for me. But if you are still out there, I will try to write at least four of these a week.
My numbers were understandably down considerably last month, so I may have lost all of you.
I am asking you to comment at the end of this just to let me know there are people still reading.
Thanks.
--------
Ever since Gutenberg invented his press, newspapers have been trying to figure out what to do with "jumps."
"Jumps" are stories that start on page and are continued on another one.
Somewhere I once read that only 10 percent of readers go to the "jump page" and finish a story.
Knowing that, newspapers have tried to either reduce or completely eliminate "jumps."
The problem is most of the time we writers act like we are getting paid by the word.
Our stories are long and drawn out and create a nightmare for newspaper designers.
Although sometimes I admit it is hard to tell it, our paper still tries to look decent.
If something is pretty to look at, it will attract more readers.
And nobody wants to look at globs and globs of type.
So we have to jump stories.
But what we don't have to do is what this paper did this morning.
-
Continue reading ""Please see TENNIS on Page 3A:""
Posted by at 8:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)
I'm a Romosexual
October 9, 2007Can you believe Tony Romo?
Whem Bill Parcells finally jerked Drew Bledsoe and let Romo play against the Giants last season, he threw an interception on I think his first pass.
But he came back and had one helll of a November.
Then in the playoffs, he screws up the simple job of "holder" and the Cowboys go one-and-done.
People questioned why that would do to Romo's psyche.
Absolutely nothing. The Cowboys have opened this season 5-0.
Continue reading "I'm a Romosexual"
Posted by at 7:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
OK, I'm a grumpy old man; Where's Ann and Sophia?
October 8, 2007I admit I have something in common with Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon.
No, I'm not dead -- not yet.
I have become a grumpy old man.
The only difference between me and the movie characters Max Goldman (Matthau) and John Gustafason (Lemmon) is that I don't have Ann Margaret and Sophia Loren around to cheer me up.
I'm not sure when I became a grumpy old man.
But I am -- so deal with it.
I get pissed off when I order my bacon CRISP and the waitress brings three pieces of something that looks limper than my ---- no, I'm not going to say that.
Then last week I went to the drug store to pick up some prescriptions and there were six or seven people working in the pharmacy. ONE ONLY ONE WAITING ON CUSTOMERS.
The other five were laughing and talking about what they were going to do over the weekend.
I already knew what I would be doing. STANDING HERE STILL WAITING ON YOUR SON OF A B. (no, I won't say that either).
Continue reading "OK, I'm a grumpy old man; Where's Ann and Sophia?"
Posted by at 7:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
What is the world coming to when we can't rust a man with 40 wives and 60 kids anymore?
October 3, 2007Warren Jeffs has been convicted on two felony counts of rape as an accomplice and will now spend years, if not the rest of his life, in prison.
But the Salt Lake Tribune reports that fundamentalist Morons -- I mean fundamentalist Mormons -- will continue to stay devoted to their prophet. The newspaper points to that fact that Jeffs' followers haven't increase in the year he has been in jail.
Here is a re-run of a blog I wrote about this nut at the time of his arrest.
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Personally, I haven't been hot for a 13-year-old girl since I was about 14,.
So I never realized what a turn-on these young girls can be to older men until the Internet came along and exposed that a huge percentage of dirty old men are dirty old pedophiles.
This Jon Mark Karr ordeal shed light on how these dirty old guys move to Thailand to get their kicks.
And now we get the story of polygamist Warren Steed Jeffs -- arrested just outside Las Vegas on Monday -- who faces charges that he arranged marriages with 13-year-old girls and older men.
What is the world coming to when we can't trust a man with 40 wives and 60 kids anymore?
Posted by at 8:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Grand Funk once stole the show in Texas
September 27, 2007This is a re-run of a blog I wrote back in May, but with Grand Funk Railroad coming to town in two days, I thought it was timely.
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When I saw who is coming to FallsFest this year, my first reaction was:
“Are they still alive?�
I first heard Grand Funk Railroad in my hippy days -- at the Texas International Pop Festival in 1969.
It was a Woodstock-like event at a race track in Lewisville that was put on just two weeks after Woodstock.
The headliners were Janis Joplin and a virtually unknown British band named Led Zeppelin.
They were paid the most -- $10,000 each.
Santana. B.B. King, Chicago Transit Authority, Ten Years After, B.B. King and others were paid a whole lot less.
A band from Michigan calling itself Grand Funk Railroad got nothing.
But the people putting on the festival told them they could perform if they did it for free and paid their own expenses.
They stole the show.
They were better than Joplin.
A heck of a lot better than Zeppelin.
Continue reading "Grand Funk once stole the show in Texas"
Posted by at 7:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Two sticky situations? Let's go for the hat trick
September 26, 2007I have lived 60 years, 10 months and five days -- and not once in all that time have I ever had my ass glued to a toilet seat.
But I can certainly sympathize with Bob Dougherty.
He is 59 and it has allegedly happened to him twice in two years.
The first time was in a Home Depot in Louisville, Colo.
He went into a bathroom stall, did his thing and then couldn't stand up.
He said he thought he was having a heart attack.
I know chest pain, arm pain and shoulder pain can be the sign of a heart attack.
But an ass pain?
I'll have to ask Dr. Serrano about that.
Well, with his butt super-glued to the toilet, Bob does what anyone in that situation would do. He screams for help.
The employees hear him and ignore his pleas, probably figuring it's just another Republican announcing he's running for some office.
Dougherty said the incident has made his life one big pain in the ass.
He claims it has caused him post-traumatic stress disorder and diabetes.
To fix it, he and his lawyer are asking for $3 million.
I wouldn't give them 3 cents.
Continue reading "Two sticky situations? Let's go for the hat trick"
Posted by at 8:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
The three R's: Reading, 'Riting and Rider football
September 24, 2007Either nobody read "Sound Off" on Sunday, or everybody agrees with my opinion.
I have a hard time believing either.
The "Sound Off" was from some Rider parent, who was pissed because the school has about as many football coaches on the payroll as it does math teachers.
My response was "So what?"
Who needs math?
It is great that schools teach kids a lot of different things, including how to work algebra problems.
But now that we have calculators and computers, who needs to do long division?
One of my co-workers said he uses his math skills when he grocery shop -- figuring out I guess which is the better deal -- buying Dr Pepper by the six-pack or 2-liter bottles.
My wife says she still uses math to balance a checkbook.
About the only time I would ever have need of math skills is mentally figuring percentages in a poker game.
Instead of trying to teach me about logarithms in high school, I wish they had taught me how to count cards.
A logarithm - whatever that is -- has never once helped me at the black jack table.
No slide rule ever made can tell you whether to hit or not hit 16.
I
Continue reading "The three R's: Reading, 'Riting and Rider football"
Posted by at 7:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Two burrs in my butt
September 20, 2007I have a couple of burrs in my butt this morning.
One is the mother in the school bus incident.
Lady, give it up.
Your son was done wrong. You have a right to be pissed.
All of us were on your side -- but now you are pissing us off.
The boy is OK. He has not been harmed for life. You helped expose some big problems in the school bus system.
Now leave it alone.
The driver does not need to do hard time for being a jerk.
And any suit against the bus company is plain silly and frivolous.
If something like this had happened in my old neighborhood -- and it wouldn't because we walked to school -- we would have:
Thrown the driver off the bus.
Whipped her ass.
Set her on fire.
Stole the hubcaps and sold them for gas money.
And Clarence Daily -- who had his driver's license when he was about 6 -- would have driven us all the Acuna.
Now for that second burr.
.
Continue reading "Two burrs in my butt"
Posted by at 8:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Keep the baggy pants; Save the tattooed butt crack
September 17, 2007We used to have a hefty bag of a business editor here at the paper who came to work every day wearing an under-arm stained white shirt (missing at least one X); a clip-on tie and a pair of pants about one "X" too big.
And no belt.
Some afternoons phones all over the newsroom would ring at the same time.
That signaled one thing.
"CRACK ALERT"
Big Joe's butt would be shining brightly.
Nobody really wanted to see it, but everybody looked.
The only butt cracks I care about looking at are young, attractive women.
Pardon the pun, but scratch that.
I am old. I can't be picky (pardon again).
The only butt cracks I care about looking at are women's.
I love those little (and sometimes big) tattoos that girls now at least partially expose to us with hip-hugger jeans and shorts.
Birds and butterflies and hearts -- stuff like that is cute.
But did you girls ever think about being walking billboards?
"Eat at Pioneer"
"Trucks, truck, trucks, we got 'em"
"Viva Viagara"
There are businesses out there who will buy your butt crack.
OK, Nick, we already knew you were a dirty old man -- but get to the point.
Why are you writing about butt cracks?
Continue reading "Keep the baggy pants; Save the tattooed butt crack"
Posted by at 8:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
My picture is on a bathroom wall?
September 13, 2007My wife and I were eating queso and drinking beer in the On the Border bar last night.
Each time our waiter walked by our booth, he had this puzzling expression on his face.
I figured he was either constipated or confused.
Honestly, I have seen that same confused expression many times over the year.
Someone recognizes my face but just can't remember where he or she has seen it before.
I keep waiting for them to ask: "Excuse me, sir, but are you Brad Pitt?"
But they never do.
Finally, my waiter stopped at the booth and pointed his finger at me.
"Now I know," he said. "I finally figured it out -- Nick of Time."
Then came the weird part.
He said: "I've been looking at your picture in the restroom."
"Oh," I joked. "You must be a Republican."
Continue reading "My picture is on a bathroom wall?"
Posted by at 7:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
The Cross: 'glimmer or hope' or just a pile of steel?
September 12, 2007A few days after 9-11, Frank Silecchia was digging at Ground Zero digging for human remains.
At about dawn, the tired and weary construction worker looked up and saw "a glimmer of hope."
Remarkably -- some might even say miraculously -- standing before him in a heap of rubble was a 2-ton, 20-foot cross..
It was steel beams that had fallen intact when the north tower of the World Trade Center implodes
But to Frank Silecchia, it was God telling us that "everything was somehow going to be all right."
WOW!
Continue reading "The Cross: 'glimmer or hope' or just a pile of steel?"
Posted by at 7:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
God bless America
September 11, 2007
On this, the sixth anniversary of 9-11, I offer you words of a housewife from New Jersey, whom I don't know and have never met. But forget "Hillary for President."
I am voting for this chick
------------------
"Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001?
Were people from all over the world, mostly Americans, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan, across the Potomac from our nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania ?
Did nearly 3,000 men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they?
And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was "desecrated" when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet?.. Well, I don't. I don't care at all .
I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.
I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere possession of which is a crime in Saudi Arabia .
I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat.
I'll care when the cowardly so-called "insurgents" in Iraq come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques.
I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow! themsel ves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs.
I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law instead of the United States Constitution's Bill of Rights.
Continue reading "God bless America"
Posted by at 8:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
A story of two rich white bitches
September 6, 2007Dogs are in the headlines a lot these days.
Pit bulls invade a woman's home and maul her.
A man shoots the family dog for eating his supper
And of course, there is Michael Vick.
But on the opposite side of all that is Leona Helmsley.
This billionaire goofball died and left more money to her dog than to anyone in her family.
Thanks to the old woman's will, "Trouble," an 8-year-old fluffy white female Maltese, is now worth $12 million.
That's $7 million more than two or her grandkids got.
And $12 million more than two others.
Yep, that's right, the old bitch left $12 mil to a dog and nada to two of her grandchildren.
She did leave $10 million to her brother and asked him to take care of "Trouble."
But he said he doesn't want the dog.
Maybe Michael Vick will take it.
After all, this dog is not living in a 28-room mansion -- much nicer than the cell that Vick will soon occupy.
Whoever takes care of "Trouble" will need to hire a lawyer.
One of Leona's former housekeepers said she is going to sue the dog for biting her.
Continue reading "A story of two rich white bitches"
Posted by at 8:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Low Point Church -- ye vipers and hypocrites
September 5, 2007At times I have used this blog to take a few jabs at Fred Phelps and his devoted flock at Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kan.
Those are the hatemongers who picket the funerals our solders because they think the United States is part of a triumverate with Sodom and Gomorrah.If we love our neighbor -- and that neighbor happens to be a homosexual -- then we are sodomites headed to a burning hell.
Their Website is Godhatesfags.com.
But give these idiots credit. They don't hide their hatred behind phoney baloney smiles.
I can't say the same for the High Point Church in Arlington.
If Jesus were still here walking this earth, he would have two names for them.
Vipers and hyprocrites both fit quite nicely.
Continue reading "Low Point Church -- ye vipers and hypocrites"
Posted by at 8:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
There are excuses for kicking a kid off a school bus, but it is still not excusable
August 30, 2007I think it was Rodney Carrington who said one of the best methods of birth control would be to go to Chuck E. Cheese's on a Saturday afternoon.
If you have ever been there and done that, then you might understand why a bus driver would kick a little kid off a school bus.
In fact, I can think of several excuses for such behavior.
I understand what it's like to not get any.
I understand what it's like to have a bad hair day.
I understand what it's like to be trapped inside a small space with a bunch of screaming rug rats.
I even understand crazy.
Yes, there are excuses for such an act, but that doesn't make it excusable
Nobody has heard this woman's side of the bus story, but nothing she says will be good enough to get her off the hook for this.
She's certainly not going to be voted Woman of the Year.
She also probably has no chance at being "Texoma's Best" bus driver.
No., this woman has now entered the world of Michael Vick.
Anytime you hurt dogs or little kids, you are going to be public enemy No. 1.
So what kind of punishment does she deserve?
Make her work Saturdays at Chuck E Cheese's
Posted by at 7:53 AM | Permalink
Football 2007: There is truth hidden betweent the lies
August 29, 2007Football 2007 arrived today.
I don't know for sure how long the paper has been printing a football preview special section, but I do know that I have been a part of 33 of them.
Today's section -- all 112 pages of it -- is bigger and better.
Yet some things never change.
Scan the headlines and you get the feeling that no team in this area will ever lose a game.
"Frederick focuses on improvement? I would, too, if I had been 2-8 last season.
"New coach, offense arrive in Electra."
That's a nice way of saying the old coach knew most of his good players were graduating so he skipped town and got a better job.
Nowhere in these 112 pages will you find a totally-honest headline that reads:
"Worthless coaching staff, talent-less team expect another 0-10 season."
Nor will you read anything like this:
"Hooterville coach Richard Head says his offense sucks and his defense is worse than that."
But there are some ways you can get the real truth about a team.
Continue reading "Football 2007: There is truth hidden betweent the lies"
Posted by at 7:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
The Men's Room: a meeting place for GOP perverts and undercover cops
August 28, 2007What's up with these Republicans looking for love in all the wrong places?
Like a men's bathroom.
Bob Allen, a Florida state representative, got busted this summer after allegedly offering to perform oral sex on an undercover cop in a park restroom.
Then along comes Larry Craig, a senator from Idaho, who allegedly played footsie under a stall door with an undercover cop and then "brush(ing) his hand beneath the partition between them" at an airport restroom.
Both took the Bill Clinton route of escape.
They lied their asses off when caught.
Allen used the race card, saying that the cop was "a pretty stocky black guy" and "because there was nothing but other black guys around in the park," he became intimidated and did whatever he could do to survive.
Like offer the guy $20 to take the elevator down.
Craig explained his actions in the stall on his "wide stance" when going to the bathroom.
When arrested, both tried to get out of it by telling the cop who they were.
What did they expect these officers to say?
"Sorry, Sen. Craig. If I had known it was you, I would have invited you to my stall."
or
"Rep. Allen. Oh, yeah. I didn't recognize you. Just give me 15 bucks."
Continue reading "The Men's Room: a meeting place for GOP perverts and undercover cops"
Posted by at 8:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
In defense of the paper and Robert Jeffress
August 27, 2007William D. Brown had a couple of bones to pick with the paper in today's Letters to the Editor.
First of all, he didn't like us putting the story about Robert Jeffress' switching First Baptists on the front page.
He called it "arrogance" on the part of the paper.
First of all, there is a reason we call this section of the editorial page Letters TO the Editor rather than Letters FROM the Editor.
William D. Brown is not the editor.
If he were, he would realize that love him or hate him, Robert Jeffress is a public figure here in Hooterville Falls.
Part of that just comes with being the pastor of a big church.
Part of it comes with being a guy who takes stands that cause controversy -- like he did with those two stupid library books.
Whatever, in a town the size of Hooterville, a story like this is front page news.
Maybe not the banner story on the front page -- but at least a bottom of the front page story.
Next, Mr. Brown didn't like the fact that in the story, Jeffress says that years ago, God told him: "One day you will be pastor of First Baptist Church of Dallas."
Brown wrote:
"Are we to believe that God took his mind off all the starving children around the world, the disease-ridden countries, nations at war, etc. to take time out to speak to Jeffress about Dallas Baptist?"
Mr. Brown, wouldn't your own time be better spent feeding the poor or visiting the sick or maybe even praying for our military men and women than writing some dumb ass letter to the editor?
And to say that God can't do two things at that same time is ignorant.
He's God -- for Heavan's sake.
He can be in Africa and in Waco, Texas at the same time.
To limit God is much more stupid than to say He can speak aloud and tell a person -- who has submitted to His will -- the direction his life is headed.
Continue reading "In defense of the paper and Robert Jeffress"
Posted by at 8:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)
Baptism at the Cove? It's pretty cool
August 24, 2007Some Christians have added an 11th commandment.
"Thou Shalt Not Enjoy Church."
Sunday, to them, means dressing up, rushing around, bitching at each other in the car, going to Sunday School and then gathering with other holy ones in the mausoleum. Excuse me, I meant sanctuary.
But many sanctuaries have the joy of a mausoleum.
Pray. Sing; Pray. Toss a buck in the collection plate; Sing: Preach; Wake up. Sing; Pray; Leave; Bitch all the way home.
And if you are a real good Christian, you will do it all over Sunday night.
Come back for prayer meeting on Wednesday and really get bored to tears.
I once heard a preacher say that when he was a kid, someone asked him if he wanted to go to Heaven.
"Is it anything like church?" he answered. "If so, what are my other choices?"
Some people might consider my church pretty strange.
We do things different.
On Sunday, we are going to have a baptism service. Dunk a bunch of people.
And we're doing it at Castaway Cove.
Continue reading "Baptism at the Cove? It's pretty cool"
Posted by at 7:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Naming a kid @? That's just Wong.
August 23, 2007I read where a Chinese couple tried to name their new baby @.
They say it means "love him."
To most of the world, though, the kid would be "At."
And what middle name would go with that?
How about #?
Then we could call the kid @ # Wong.
Welcome to our world, little At-Pound.
I write this because I am afraid our school district is going to come up with a goofy name for our two new elementary schools.
Maybe not @ # Elementary -- but still something stupid.
I have two guidelines that might prevent that.
Don't name schools for lawyers or politicians or mass murderers.
In that order.
Continue reading "Naming a kid @? That's just Wong."
Posted by at 8:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
All I wanted was a little "buzz"
August 22, 2007I am Emmitt Smith of the Times Record News.
Old No. 22.
Well, I was for about 44 hours.
A visitor in the newspaper office.
A guest in my own home.
Worse yet I didn’t even get the “visitor� privileges that one of this cheap-looking yellow badges usually give a person.
No guided tour of the building.
Nobody showed me the big press or the old newspaper front pages hanging on the walls of the library.
Hell, I didn’t even get to meet Joe Brown.
Or see the publisher’s private wet bar and hot tub.
You would think visitor No. 22 would get more respect.
A guest in my own home.
This all started after lunch on Monday when I can in the front door and asked the receptionist to “buzz me.� I had left my key at home.
But instead of the usual “buzz,� I was told I would need to sign in and get a visitor’s pass.
I’ve only worked here 35 years and five months.
My picture is on the wall up front -- right in front of the receptionist.
I know rules are rules -- but stupid is also stupid.
Maybe it’s because I’m trying to grow long hair.
Maybe I look like a terrorist.
Maybe the receptionist thought I was Osama Bin Laden.
Damn, I wish I had signed in as Osama.
But again, that might have caused a major lockdown.
Lock the doors.
“Osama’s in the building�
Continue reading "All I wanted was a little "buzz""
Posted by at 8:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Do your part to fight the War on Terror
August 20, 2007For those of you out there who would like to do your part in our War On Terror, may I suggest the following.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male
to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that
he must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at
3 p.m. Central Time all American women are asked to
walk out of their houses completely naked to help weed
out any neighborhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for
this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to prove they are not Muslims,
and to demonstrate they think it's okay to see nude
women other than their wives, and to show support for
all American women.
Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold
6-pack at your side is further proof of your
anti-Muslim sentiment.
The American government appreciates your efforts to
root out terrorists and applauds your participation in
this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America .
P.S., I know the Hotter N’ Hell will be next Saturday, but who says you can’t fight terrorism on bicycles?
One more P.S:
Apparently they are already fighting terrorism in Deborah’s neighborhood.
She wrote this in an e-mail:
Continue reading "Do your part to fight the War on Terror"
Posted by at 8:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
First the pony tail -- then an ear ring and a tattoo
August 17, 2007Gimme a head with hair, long beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming, steaming, flaxen, waxen
Give me down to there, hair!
Shoulder length, longer (hair!)
Here baby, there mama, Everywhere daddy daddy
Hair! (hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair)
Flow it, Show it;
Long as God can grow it, My Hair!
Just a few lyrics from the famous 1968 rock opera “Hair� to start your day and start this blog.
---------------------------------
Nobody may have noticed, but it has been awhile since I had a haircut.
Although for the last several years, a haircut has not really been a haircut.
I always feel I’m paying Joe the Barber a “finder’s fee.�
“Trim the nose hair, the ear hair and anything you can find on my head.�
My wife wants me to grow my hair out, although I am not really sure that I can any more.
There was a day that Nicky Boy the Hippy Boy had long hair.
I cut most of it off when I got this job, and not long after that, it quit growing back.
Although nobody would ever mistake me as a member of ZZ Top, I do feel a bit shaggy right now.
Shaggy enough that I wouldn’t go anywhere near Michael Vick’s house.
Every day I say I’m going to the barber, and every day my wife says: “No, I think it’s sexy.�
Me, sexy?
May be time for an eye exam, honey.
I did have a young lady wave at me on Lamar Street a couple of days ago.
At the time I thought she was a hooker.
Maybe not.
Maybe it’s that I am sexy
“Too sexy for my shirt,
Too sexy for my shirt,
So sexy it hurts.�
Continue reading "First the pony tail -- then an ear ring and a tattoo"
Posted by at 8:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
A triple shot of rejection; You'd be pissy too
August 16, 2007I was in a pissy mood on Wednesday morning.
Ready to snap at anybody about anything.
And did.
You see I got a triple shot of rejection in a span of about 16 hours.
It started the day before when a friend of mine at Scripps Howard News Service called to tell me I would not be on the Scripps team covering the Olympics in Beijing next year.
He said they weren’t sending as many people as they did to Athens and Torino and I didn’t make the cut.
Then learn that Texoma doesn’t love me any more.
After finally getting it right and naming me its best writer last year, Texoma screwed up again this year and gave the award back to Lee Grace.
Then I get this email from Scripps telling me I also didn’t receive a Burleigh Award.
Two of the five winners of this annual corporate award were a TV meteorologist from Tulsa and a recipe tester from New York.
Now how hard can it be being a meteorologist in Tulsa?
About all you have to learn to say is:
“Get to cover, a tornado is on its way.�
Or
“It’s going to be hot again today.�
And a recipe tester?
What does she do -- eat?
I think I could handle that job.
But I understand two of the three.
I got to go to two Olympics in Athens and Torino, and that’s pretty cool for a guy from Hooterville Falls.
Plus I really hate foreign countries. If I never leave the good old USA again in my lifetime, I’m just fine with that.
And I found out the Burleigh Awards are for “distinguished community service.�
The meteorologist gives a lot of her time to Big Brothers and Big Sisters.
The recipe tester is a volunteer at a local soup kitchen and is leading the fight against malnutrition in her area.
About the only community service I remember doing this year was offering to buy a woman a drink over at Wild Wings.
But I still think Texoma got it wrong again.
Continue reading "A triple shot of rejection; You'd be pissy too"
Posted by at 8:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Front page news or Baptist-bashing?
August 15, 2007Comedians like Richard Pryor and Chris Rock can make fun of black people and use the “n word� in their jokes for one reason. They are black.
That’s why I think I have every right to make fun of Baptist.
I’m a Baptist.
So I joke about every time you find four Baptists, there’s always a fifth.
Or why do Baptists no have sex standing up? It will look like they’re dancing.
I have used this blog often to poke fun at Baptists.
But at the same time, I hate Baptist-bashing.
And that’s what I believe the front page of our paper did this morning.
The story was about a prominent Southern Baptist pastor in Nashville, Tenn.
Some members of his “megachurch� have accused him of spending church money on his daughter’s wedding.
Near the end of this story (on Page 8A), we find out that the church used $4,300 of its budget to pay for a reception that was open to all of the members.
It was explained that this was done “to avoid the appearance of favoritism.�
The pastor used his own money to pay for a separate reception outside the church.
So this is front page news in Wichita Falls?
Oh, yeah, in the middle of the story we read that a former administrative assistant in the church had accused his pastor of looking at porno on the church computer and having an affair with a church staff member. Both charges were investigated by the church with no evidence for either one.
I’m surprised this part of the story even ran in the Nashville paper, yet along Wichita Falls.
Continue reading "Front page news or Baptist-bashing?"
Posted by at 8:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Call me a fool, but I'm betting on Jesus
August 13, 2007My blog titled “A fool? A fundamentalist? No, just a bit confused� got quite a response from one reader.
If you want to read all of the response, just go back to that blog and go down to the comments item at the end. It’s pretty long.
The reader, obviously an atheist, said because the miracles of the Bible cannot be proven scientifically, they are lies and the Good Book is nothing but fiction.
This person also has to believe that if there really was a “Jesus,� he had to be a con man.
So the reader has to believe that anyone professing that this Jesus is the Son of God and the savior of the world has to be a nut whose life is centered around one big lie.
Christians either worship a make-believe person or a con artist who died 2,000 years ago and ain’t coming back again.
All the churches in the world are havens for fools.
Billy Graham has spent his whole life preaching a lie.
Christmas is joke.
Jesus doesn’t love me, this I know.
So what if the Bible tells me so.
Sorry, but I’m not buying any of that.
If that makes me a fool -- then call me a fool.
Continue reading "Call me a fool, but I'm betting on Jesus"
Posted by at 8:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
Cable vs. Dish vs. Direct TV: It's all BS
August 8, 2007Most of my friends have dumped cable and gone with their Dish or Direct TV.
So I have been shopping around to see which one to switch to.
Both do a lot of advertising promising to give you free this and free that if you sign up with them.
It seems like Direct TV is offering everything but a thousand-dollar hooker to get you to choose them. But Direct TV doesn’t even give you the local channels.
Those are supposed to be free.
Some woman at Direct TV told me for a few bucks more, she could get me CBS, NBC, ABC and Fox stations from major cities like New York and LA.
A friend later told me that’s illegal, but I heard the offer with my very own earns.
In fact, I almost took it.
Have you watched local news lately?
I think I could live without that.
“Throw in a thousand-dollar hooker and you’ve got a deal,� I almost told her.
But then I thought, if I get a Fox station in New York, then I would get Giants games instead of Cowboys games on Sunday.
No thanks.
Dish must be the way to go.
The “America’s Top 250� package seemed like the best thing for me.
I went to a Dish dealer here in town and started the process.
But before we were finished a $52,99 price tag had quickly become $80 and change.
I pay $55 for cable right now.
“Hold on,� I told the saleswoman. “I thought I came here to save money.�
I left without Dish.
Continue reading "Cable vs. Dish vs. Direct TV: It's all BS"
Posted by at 8:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
A dynamic message from Pastor Nick?
August 6, 2007I have a big announcement to make today -- and I want you -- all my loyal blog readers -- to be the first to know.
I am going to apply for the pastor’s job at First Baptist Church here in Hooterville Falls.
Ever since I was a little boy squirming in the pews at 10th and Broad Church of Christ, I wanted to be a preacher.
My old daddy used to work his ass off 50 hours a week and probably never made a hundred bucks a week.
A preacher works what -- 3 hours a week?
Sunday morning. Sunday night. Wednesday night.
1-2-3.
He wears nicer clothes, drives a newer car and lives in a bigger house than us.
What would you guess they pay the pastor at First Baptist?
Six really nice figures, I’m sure.
200 grand maybe?
I’ll work for half that.
$2,500 a week would be a nice starting point.
That figures out to be $833 an hour.
But to do the job, I must have the following.
A minister of senior adults.
A minister of middle age adults.
A minister of young adults.
A youth minister.
A children’s minister.
And a minister for everybody else.
I also want to keep Rod Payne around to run the media ministry.
It will really be cool to hear Rod say:
“A dynamic message from our pastor, Nick Gholson.�
I need all those “ministers of� so that I will more time to write books and do radio shows and make some extra cash.
Also need some time to pose for pictures for my billboards.
I will not have time to visit the sick or do funerals (except for people with seven-figure bank accounts).
Continue reading "A dynamic message from Pastor Nick?"
Posted by at 8:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)
Please see NICK -- but where the hell is he?
August 3, 2007I am the only person in the newsroom right now.
It is very early.
Most of Wichita Falls is just waking up.
And I’ve been really pissed off now for about two hours.
I wrote what I thought was a very interesting column for the paper this morning.
It’s a love story centered around MSU football.
I like it so much I made a suggestion at the budget meeting Tuesday to tease it on the front page of the today’s paper.
They did, but it was right next to a picture of a dog.
That sucks.
But that is not why I’m so pissed.
My column was 708 words long.
Only 218 of those words showed up in the paper.
Just a minute, my phone is ringing.
First call comes at 7:53 a.m.
“Where is the rest of Nick Gholson’s column?�
There will be many more before this day is over.
TGIF.
Believe it not, there are a lot of people out there who read my stuff.
Jump a column like today by saying Please see Nick, Page 2D -- and then don’t put the rest of the story on 2D -- and the phone is going to ring.
I should give them the home phone number of the guy who worked last night and was responsible for this screw-up.
Nah, he got off around 1 in the morning and probably just got to bed.
Been there, done that. I won’t do that to him.
Continue reading "Please see NICK -- but where the hell is he?"
Posted by at 8:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Should we believe King David and Johnny Cash?
August 2, 2007On this day, I stop and remember what was the very worst day of my life.
Aug. 2, 1963.
The day began with my daddy waking me up and saying:
“Your mama is dead.�
I was just 16 years old.
I’ve shared the story of how my mama died in a head-on car crash on Highway 79.
She was only 35 years old.
Today I ask the question -- will I ever see her again?
If you know me, you know that I believe in God and Heaven and eternal life.
Although I have heard many preachers over the year talk about a Heavenly family reunion, the Bible I read really doesn’t say much about it.
The Old Testament does have several references to people dying and being “gathered to their people.�
Genesis 25:8
“Then Abraham breathed his last and died at a good old age, an old man and full of years; and he was gathered to his people.�
Genesis 35:29
“Then he (Isaac) breathed his last and died and was gathered to his people, old and full of years.�
Genesis 49:29
“Then he (Jacob) gave them these instructions: "I am about to be gathered to my people. Bury me with my fathers in the cave in the field of Ephron the Hittite,�
2 Samuel 12:23 is about as good as any verse I can find. After the death of his infant child, David says: “But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."
The New Testament doesn’t give a lot of insight into Heavenly family reunions.
Johnny Cash says we will see our departed loved ones again in a “family circle at the throne.�
“Though the circle won’t be broken
By and by, Lord, by and by.
Daddy sang bass. Mama sang tenor.
Me and little brother would join right in there,
In the sky, Lord, in the sky.
“Now I remember after work, mama would call in all of us.
You could hear us singin’ for a country mile.
Now little brother has done gone on.
But I’ll rejoin him in a song.
We’ll be together again up yonder in a little while�
Continue reading "Should we believe King David and Johnny Cash?"
Posted by at 8:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Short-changed twice and still 10 bucks lighter
August 1, 2007Before I tell this story, I first want to tell you that I think United Market Street is the best grocery store in town.
I like to shop there.
I like to eat there.
In my 2006 endorsements for Texoma’s Best, I voted Market Street the best supermarket and the best salad bar.
But right now I certainly would not vote this store No. 1 in being customer friendly.
My dissatisfaction started a week ago.
I met my wife for breakfast at Market Street on Tuesday morning. I had $25 in my pocket.
Our food cost $6 and change.
When I got home and changed clothes, I had a $5 bill and three ones.
I had been short-changed.
I was sure it was just an honest accident and decided to just take the loss without saying anything.
Then at lunch, my buddies persuaded me to call the manager and tell him what happened.
“When they count the register, they will be 10 dollars over and return your money,� was the logic.
So I called and talked to a guy named Brian.
He took my name and phone number and told me if the register was over, he would leave my 10 dollars in an envelope at the same register.
That would be convenient since I had planned to eat lunch there on Wednesday.
But there was no envelope.
When I explained the situation to the cashier, she called someone and then told me that “customer service� wanted to speak to me.
Brian wasn’t there, so Buddy, in customer service, heard my story again and told me he would take care of it. I told him just to bring the money, if there was any, over to where I was eating lunch.
In a few minutes, he came over and told me that after the register had been counted for the day, it was not 10 dollars over, it was 10 dollars and change under.
I wasn’t getting my 10 bucks back.
And Market Street had a cashier than couldn’t count.
I got pissed.
I told my buddies I would never eat there again.
Continue reading "Short-changed twice and still 10 bucks lighter"
Posted by at 8:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
Another tough work day at the golf course
July 27, 2007
I’m taking off today to play golf in the MSU football program’s tournament.
The boss is paying the bill.
I plan to have a lot of fun.
It’s a tough job, but somebody has to do it.
I will also be gone Monday and Tuesday for work-related reasons.
Blog returns on Wednesday.
Read some of the old ones while I'm gone.
Be safe.
Posted by at 7:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Prevent cruelty to ducks; Get nekid
July 26, 2007I have become a big PETA fan.
If these people want to protest against Australian sheep farmers, Col. Sanders or Ringling Brothers -- I’m with them.
Just get nekid and start the protest.
I’m not sure what showing off your titties has to do with protecting baboons in a zoo, but I’m all for it.
Take it off.
Take it all off.
This month a few hundred or our PETA friends protested the famous Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain.
Some stripped down to their underwear.
Many went topless.
One family -- mom, dad, two kids and a best friend -- wore their birthday suits.
And they walked down the same street where they run the bulls.
One chick work a thong with a green “N� painted on one butt cheek and a green “O� painted on the other one.
Check it out -- http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/english/doc/2004-07/06/content_345915.htm
If that doesn’t make get a membership card to PETA, nothing will.
Continue reading "Prevent cruelty to ducks; Get nekid"
Posted by at 7:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
A fool? A fundamentalist? No, just a bit confused
July 25, 2007I believe all of the really important parts of the Bible.
I believe this world was created by God.
I believe in the virgin birth of Jesus Christ.
I believe Jesus turned water into wine; made blind men see; raises Lazarus from the dead; fed 5,000 people with two small fish and five loaves of bread and still had leftovers; walked on water and every other thing the Bible says He did in His 33 years on this earth.
I believe He lived a sinless life; died on the cross for our sins and arose from the dead.
I believe that He is right now is in a place called Heaven sitting at the right hand of God
Some people will call me a fool for believing that.
Others will call me a fundamentalist.
I think you are all wrong.
Fundamentalism is defined as believing in the “inerrancy� of the Bible.
And there are parts of the Old Testament that I have a problem with.
Did this guy Methuselah actually live to be 969 years old?
Talk about screwing up Social Security.
I really have hard time believing that in a day when there was no running water, no modern medicine, no sanitation and no faith healers like Benny Henn that any man could live that long.
But the Bible says he did.
It also said he had a son when he was 187 years old.
The Bible records five men who lived more than 900 years -- Adam, Seth, Enos, Cainan and Methuselah.
Compare that to the today.
In 1900, the life expectancy of a man in the United States was 46.3.
Guys born here in 1950 had a life expectancy of 65.6.
In 2000, that had grown to 74.3
Continue reading "A fool? A fundamentalist? No, just a bit confused"
Posted by at 8:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Friends are friends forever -- but no fighting!
July 23, 2007I have never cared much about family reunions.
That’s because the family that I really care about, I see more than once a year.
Uncle Derwood from down in San Angelo and Aunt Ethyl from out in Arizona were family in name only. They showed up once a year over fried chicken and potato salad and told me how much I looked like my Daddy back when he was a boy.
Once I dropped out of college and became the blackest sheep in the Gholson clan, they quit inviting me to their annual get-togethers.
Then when I became a famous sports writer, they started asking me back again.
Screw ’em.
This past Saturday, I went to a real family reunion.
Unless Daddy forgot to tell me something, I wasn’t related to anybody there.
But these guys are my people.
These guys are my life.
The idea of having an “Our Gang� picnic began a year ago at the funeral of Sam Milam.
All of us guys who grew up together -- living in the same run-down neighborhood, going to the same schools, playing for the same teams -- found out we loved each other.
It took us 60 years or more to find out that we share a bond of friendship that will we will take to the grave and maybe even beyond.
When I got my invitation to the picnic, there was just one rule.
No girls.
When I got there, I found out there was another rule.
No fighting.
Heck, those two things are the only thing some of these guys ever thought about for the first 21 years or more of their lives.
We had the Taylor brothers and the Lavender brothers together.
There was a time when that could never happen without somebody not named Taylor or Lavender getting their ass whipped.
But we are too old to really give a rat’s ass much about girls or fighting anymore.
Continue reading "Friends are friends forever -- but no fighting!"
Posted by at 8:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Don't play the race card with Michael Vick
July 20, 2007Since I am sure not many of you listen to my radio gig on Friday mornings, I wanted to share with you here what I had to say today about the Michael Vick deal.
Do you sense a bit of this “black vs. white� deal again with Michael Vick?
Is it going to be like O.J. Déjà vu all over again?
Personally, I can’t see how anybody can be pro-Michael Vick right now.
Innocent until proven guilty is only for the courtroom.
Public opinion says guilty until proven innocent.
So for me, Michael Vick is pure scum until he can prove he’s not.
Yes, this is America, where we let freedom ring.
But if there is justice, this scumbag is going down.
Feed him Puppy Chow for his final meal. Then treat him like a dog.
What will it be, Mike. Drowning. Hanging. Electrocution or being shot to death.
At least you have a choice. Those poor dogs didn’t.
If you saw our Thursday morning sports section, you couldn’t have missed the large picture of a black man at an Atlanta Braves game holding up a sign that said: “Michael Vick is innocent. Dog-gone-it.�
That made me wonder about the possible “black vs. white� opinions about Vick.
Continue reading "Don't play the race card with Michael Vick"
Posted by at 8:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Perry Goolsby, Linda Merrill my choices for naming WFISD's two new elementary schools
July 19, 2007I have never had much respect for the people who run our schools.
It is my opinion that they waste a whole lot of our tax dollars.
And I have never thought our school boards -- past or present -- had the balls to really get things done.
Like why in the world isn’t Joe Golding’s name on our nameless football stadium?
The man won four state championships, is in the Texas High School Hall of Fame and was the person mostly responsible for building what was at one time in the early ’70s the best high school football stadium in the country.
But what should be Joe Golding Memorial Stadium does not have his name because past school boards didn’t want to offend a few naysayers.
Having to vote three times on a bond proposal shows that I am not the only person skeptical of anything the WFISD does.
So I don’t expect it to do the right thing when it comes to naming our two new elementary schools.
I have heard some of the suggestions and disagree with all of them.
When possible, I think our schools should be named after exceptional educators who have worked in the WFISD.
My vote right now is for Perry Goolsby and Linda Merrill.
Posted by at 8:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Enjoy your Soup, Hooterville; It's homemade
July 18, 2007BOWLING FOR SOUP
COMING HOME
That was the big headline on the front page of our paper today.
The story about the local band from Wichita Falls coming back home to play FallsFest took up half the page -- and then jumped.
Is this big news?
I had heard of Bowling for Dollars -- a game show hosted by Verne Lundquist in Dallas back in the ’70s.
But not Bowling for Soup.
It seems that the group got its name from an old Steve Martin skit “Bowling for Shit� on his comedy album “Wild and Crazy Guy.� His skit mocks Bowling for Dollars.
To my knowledge, I have never heard one song by Bowling for Soup.
That’s no fault of theirs. It is just when you get old like me, you lose touch with the music scene.
I’ve been a rock and roll fan all of my life, so I just might like Bowling for Soup.
I know I am going to buy a couple of CDs and listen to them.
I had already planned to go see Grand Funk Railroad at FallsFest, so now I will get the chance to see Soup in concert the same night.
Their have been labeled “a comedy influenced pop punk� band.
Not sure what all that means.
The term “punk� will usually turn an old guy off, but I’m not your typical old guy.
I am open to new stuff.
Their album titles are cool.
Drunk Enough To Dance.
A Hangover you Don’t Deserve.�
The Great Burrito Extortion Case.
One of the early ones -- “Rock On Honorable Ones� certainly has Hooterville Falls link.
ROHO.
Continue reading "Enjoy your Soup, Hooterville; It's homemade"
Posted by at 8:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Old men, keep your clothes on; Let the girls strip
July 17, 2007I have never been to Brattleboro, Vermont.
But if my buddies and I had known about it when we were kids, we would have found a way to get there.
If we had known there was a place where women walk around nekid, we boys would have headed in that direction.
1,738.22 miles?
No sweat.
A 27-hour drive?
I know a guy with a ‘57 Chevy.
You see, when I was growing up back in the Dark Ages, it was just about every boy’s dream to see as many nekid women as possible in his lifetime.
The magazines down at the drug store only had girls in swim suits.
Thompson’s Novelty Shop downtown had some nekid women magazines, but they were kept locked behind glass. And we boys were never allowed to peek inside one.
All of us boys would have given Mr. Thompson our movie and popcorn money just to look through one of those magazines, but he couldn’t be bought off.
I was 13 before I ever saw a real live nekid girl.
And I had to give her most of my Halloween candy to show me.
I’m just glad she didn’t ask for my lunch money for the rest of my life or the keys to my daddy’s car.
Then in high school, I never saw anything higher than a knee cap.
So when the weekend came, all of us guys would go to the old Scottic drive in theater to get our kicks. They showed nudist camp documentaries.
OK, it wasn’t exactly “Deep Throat,� but for a 15 or 16-year-old boy, it was nekid women and you take what you can get.
So all of us boys who grew up on Travis or Austin or Burnett streets -- and those streets in between -- would have loved to visit Brattleboro, Vermont.
With no state laws or city ordinances banning public nudity, people can just walk around in their birthday suits.
And some of those people are women.
Continue reading "Old men, keep your clothes on; Let the girls strip"
Posted by at 8:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Seeing the Beatles in my scrambled eggs
July 16, 2007A 60-year-old woman in Colorado swears she sees Elvis’ head in a rock.
She plans to sell the rock on EBay.
Well, we didn’t have EBay back in 1969.
If we had, right now I just might be a millionaire rather than a hundredaire.
On a Saturday afternoon that year, I took a little trip with Dr. Timothy Leary.
Come early Sunday morning our trip had taken us to Jolly, Texas for breakfast at the Jolly Truck Stop.
I ordered scrambled eggs and toast.
A few minutes later, they showed up.
The waitress brought my food and there they were right there on my plate.
The Beatles were in my scrambled eggs.
John, Paul, George and Ringo were smiling up at me.
“I am the eggman.
They are the eggmen.
I am the walrus,
Goo goo g’joob.�
I looked at my buddy across the booth and told him that the Beatles were in my scrambled eggs.
But I think he was too busy looking at Jim Morrison in his oatmeal.
Then when I looked back at my plate, John, Paul, George and Ringo were no longer playing Jolly.
The eggs were slowly moving to the other side of the plate. . .
And then there he was.
Hendrix.
Move over rover and let Jimi take over.
Jimi Hendrix looked up at me and smiled.
“Purple haze all in my brain,
Lately things just dont seem the same.
Actin funny, but I dont know why
scuse me while I kiss the sky.�
Before I could say “Hendrix is in my scrambled eggs,� Jimi had left Jolly.
Continue reading "Seeing the Beatles in my scrambled eggs"
Posted by at 8:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Friday the 13th? Don't tell me it's not unlucky
July 13, 2007This is a rerun of a blog I wrote on Friday, April 13 of this year.
After writing it, my son Tommy told me he had never heard the whole story before. And he’s 31.
Well, here it is again.
For most of you, Friday the 13th will come and go and you’ll never even know it was here.
But for me, I have a souvenir from a Friday the 13th gone by that always makes me stop and think about this supposedly unluckiest of days.
My right hand still has the mark from a 1967 skin graft. Technology back then left a person looking like something left over from a Frankenstein movie. My hand is living proof.
There are also a few scars on my right arm to remind me of Friday the 13th of October, 1967.
There are people who have known me most of my life who don’t know what happened to my hand and arm. Most are too polite to ask.
But every once in awhile, I’ll be in a grocery store line and some little kid will shout out:
“Hey, mister, what happened to your hand?�
Mom will quickly slap him or shake him, tell him to shut up and then start apologizing for the honesty of a child.
For years, I tried to hide the scars.
But after awhile, you just say “to hell with it.�
Although I can still type around 90 words a minute and still do all the things I could do before Oct. 13, 1967, there are still limitations on the use of my right hand. I still can’t bend my fingers enough to make a fist and there are some missing tendons in my wrist that cause some problems.
If it weren’t for this, I am sure that Tiger Woods would now be only the No. 2 golfer in the world.
But the reason I am blogging about this today is to tell you how it all happened.
Continue reading "Friday the 13th? Don't tell me it's not unlucky"
Posted by at 8:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Whatever happened to the Soup Nazi?
July 12, 2007I’m a Seinfeld fan.
If you’re not, you are missing out on TV greatness.
The 50s had Lucy.
The 60s had Andy.
The 70s had Archie.
The 80s had Cheers.
The 90s had Seinfeld.
So what are Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer up to these days?
Well, all have been in the news.
Kosmo Kramer (Michael Richards) is now “seeking spiritual healing� in Cambodia.
He and his fiancée’ went on a tour sponsored by the Nithayananda Foundation, a sect that adheres to the teachings of Hindu monk Nithayananda -- “an avowed enlightened Master and modern mystic who is referred to by his followers as “Swami G.�
Sounds just like Kramer, huh?
Well, he has a lot of free time these days.
He can’t find work.
The NAACP held a funeral and buried the “N� word.
And his most famous act was shouting out racial slurs at hecklers during a stand-up comedy club routine,
“I’m taking time off to feel myself out,� he said.
George Castanza is more fun.
George (Jason Alexander) has been playing the World Series of Poker’s main event in Vegas.
On Sunday night, ESPN kept sending a camera man to his table, waiting for the hand where he busted out. But he won three straight hands without showing his cars and ended the nigh with $41,000 in chips.
He lasted until Wednesday where he was put out of the tournament along with pros Allen Cunningham and Phil Gordon.
“To me, this is like, if you jog at all, it's a kick to be at the New York Marathon when it starts off. You know you're not going to win, but you're there. It's pretty cool,� he said.
Continue reading "Whatever happened to the Soup Nazi?"
Posted by at 8:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Omar marries Jane with no paparazzi. no Osama
July 11, 2007Anytime somebody named bin Laden gets married, it’s big news.
Maybe not Tony Parker-Eva Longoria type big news, but you have to wonder:
What kind of nut would marry a guy named bin Laden?
I guess though when you’re 51 years old, have multiple sclerosis and are already a five-time loser at this marriage thing --- what the hell?
It’s not exactly like guys were lining up outside the door of Jane Felix-Browne bin Laden.
The British woman said she was riding a horse near the Great Pyramid when she met bin Laden.
Was he hitchhiking?
Was he standing on a street corner hawking copies of the daily Al Jeel?
Maybe he was just in the neighborhood shopping for a Father’s Day gift.
What do you buy your Daddy when he is the most wanted terrorist on the planet?
An electric razor?
A tie that says “I love New York?�
A Coleman lantern to light up his cave?
Old Spice?
Sorry, but I just had to digress a bit.
Back to Omar and Jane.
Jane was 24 years old when Osama and Najawa bin Laden gave birth to little Omar.
And since Osama and Najawa are first cousins -- there’s a good chance that Omar is not right in the head.
But like I said, this old British broad can’t be too picky about who she’s going to marry.
Any 27-year-old guy would be a step up for Jane -- even if he is an SOT (son of a terrorist).
Continue reading "Omar marries Jane with no paparazzi. no Osama"
Posted by at 8:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Girls for goats? What would Monty Hall do?
July 10, 2007Just finished reading an interesting story in our paper about a man in Afghanistan who traded his 16-year-old daughter for nine sheep.
Makes me wonder -- what could I get for three ex-wives?
A couple of billy goats?
A short tour of a poppy field?
OK, so they are a bit old.
Forget the poppy field tour.
I have known guys who had a crush on sheep, but just never was my thing.
However, there were times when my daughter was 16 that I would have traded her for something of equal value.
Like a cheese whopper, large fries and a large Coke.
No deal?
OK, make it a medium Coke.
Just kidding, Christy.
You know I would never have traded you.
Sold you -- maybe.
But never traded.
Well, unless someone had offered a Nolan Ryan rookie card.
Continue reading "Girls for goats? What would Monty Hall do?"
Posted by at 8:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Deuce & Bar-L two Hooterville Falls traditions
July 6, 2007I noticed that after his brush with death, Joe Brown has decided to experience some of the really good things in life.
Like P-2.
In a front page “Brownie� this week, Joe -- back from work after a quadruple bypass -- said he stopped into the “Deuce� this week to have a steak on garlic.
Throw in a red draw or 10 -- and that really is one of the good things in life.
The “Deuce� and the Bar-L have both endured for six decades and are true landmarks here in Hooterville Falls.
And I grew up in the neighborhood.
The beer drinkers and barmaids simply knew me as “Earl’s Boy� because my Daddy was a customer at both places.
When it came time to sell those kid baseball or midget football buttons, the Deuce and the Bar-L were my territory. Every beer drinker and bar maid in the house bought buttons from “Earl’s Boy.�
I couldn’t have been but 10 or 11 when my Daddy first sent me to the Deuce to get burgers and fries.
I remember looking up at the sign over the door and wondering what in the heck is a “Stag Bar.�
Could this be a place where they keep deer?
I finally learned it was a place where old men stood around a bar and said things you would never hear over at the 10th and Broad Church of Christ.
I loved it.
I also loved beer smell in that dark Stag Bar.
But what really intrigued me were those beer signs.
Schlitz,
Falstaff.
Hamms from the land of sky blue waters.
My first beer was a Pearl that Keith Lavender and I took out of his mother’s ice box.
If you’ve never had a Pearl, then you have never tasted horse piss.
I am amazed that I’m a beer drinker after losing my cherry on a can of Pearl.
Continue reading "Deuce & Bar-L two Hooterville Falls traditions"
Posted by at 9:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
'THIS JOB BIT' not real creative
July 3, 2007There was a special message on the wall to greet all of us newspapers employees when we came to work.
Written -- nicely I might say -- in big red letters on the side of our building is:
THIS JOB BIT.
The writer signed -- in a Zorro-type fashion -- signed his work.
S
It was a wider S, but this keyboard can’t duplicate that.
It is doubtful that this person still works here, but here are the current suspects inside the building.
Stacy, Stephen M., Scott R., Stephanie, Stephen S., Sam L., Sherry, Shelby, Shelly, Sandra, Sam, Scott G., Sofia and Steven.
Or if the S is a last name, we have Shiplet, Short, Stegner, Salan, Sanders, Stegal, Stennett, Sexton, Sheen, Sisk, (B) Smith, (S) Smith, and Sweeten-Shults.
Sweeten-Shults?
Now there is a double S worth investigating.
Same with Sherry Shiplet and Shelby Stegner and Stephen Smith.
Do any of you have an alibi for where you were between midnight and 6 a.m.?
Probably this was a pissed off EX-employee.
That would be a very long list, so we have to narrow it down to the last few months.
Carroll Wilson?
Could it have been our now unemployed ex-editor?
Nah, the words are too high up on the building. No midget could reach that high.
Plus, knowing, Carroll, he would have written it in both English and Spanish.
In fact, I don’t think “S� worked in the editorial department.
“THIS JOB BIT� is just not creative enough for us.
A creative writer would have come up with something much more descriptive -- like
EAT DO DO AND DIE!
Or
DEBBIE’S A BITCH!
But “BIT?�
Who would use a stupid word like that?
Can’t you spell SUCK?
Continue reading "'THIS JOB BIT' not real creative"
Posted by at 8:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Heather & her 2 mommies are still living in the Hooterville Falls library with daddy his roommate
July 2, 2007So, does Heather still have two mommies?
And is daddy and his roommate still a couple?
It has been more than nine years now since Robert Jeffress put up such a fuss over two library books.
A member of First Baptist church had taken copies of the two books -- “Heather Has Two Mommies� and “Daddy’s Roommate� -- to their preacher. He asked our library to ban them and then later “decided not to return the books to the library.�
All that put Hooterville Falls in the national news.
“I could never have imagined the firestorm that ignited as a result of that message,� Jeffress wrote. “Media outlets including the New York Times, Associated Press, NBC Television, ABC radio, and Rush Limbaugh carried the story. PBS sent a crew to Wichita Falls and filmed a documentary on the furor that divided our city. “
Up until then and ever since then, the only thing that ever put Hooterville Falls on the big national stage was our crappy weather.
An agreement was reached with the City Council to get the books moved from the children’s section of the library to the adult section, but the ACLU stepped in and filed and lawsuit and that never happened.
Then things got quiet for the next nine years.
Well, I admit I once thought about writing a book of my own titled:
“The Copy Desk Has Two Heathers.�
But both left before I got the chance.
Posted by at 8:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
If you ain't reading, I ain't writing
June 29, 2007Does anybody out there still read these blogs?
Please, I really need to know.
I have this strange feeling that I’m talking to myself.
And believe me, I have better things to do with my mornings that to write stuff that nobody gives a rat’s ass about.
If I were to say that I read “Heather Has Two Mommies� and was really looking forward to the sequel, “Heather Has Three Mommies,� would anyone run tell Robert Jeffress on me?
I need something to stir up readership.
I have said written lots and lots of naughty words -- but nobody ever complains.
I have criticized the newspaper I work for numerous times -- once even talked about shooting my boss -- and I still have a job.
I told you I think George W is the worst president in the history of this country and promised to vote on any Democrat who runs -- yet no right wingers are calling me down.
Continue reading "If you ain't reading, I ain't writing"
Posted by at 8:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)
Pardon the pun, but this sucks
June 28, 2007Free Genarlow Wilson.
This guy has been locked in jail for more than two years.
He shouldn’t have been there more than two minutes.
His “crime� is aggravated child molestation.
But Wilson is no child molester.
He had a 3.2 grade point average in high school.
He was an excellent athlete.
He had no criminal record.
But on the day he was scheduled to take his SAT test, Wilson was arrested.
He was charged with rape, but the jury threw that out and instead convicted him of aggravated child molestation with a mandatory sentence of 10 years.
Wilson is not a criminal. All he did is what 99 percent of all 17-year-old boys would do if given the chance.
He let a girl perform oral sex on him at a New Year’s Party.
He was 17.
She was 15.
The sex was consensual.
Continue reading "Pardon the pun, but this sucks"
Posted by at 8:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Old farts loved the Best of the Beatles
June 27, 2007The Pete Best Band played its first gig in Texas on Tuesday night -- right here in Hooterville Falls.
They are playing in Dallas tonight, in Austin on Thursday and in Houston on Friday before heading off to the Mirage in Vegas next week.
But we got ’em first.
A big round of applause for Danny Ahern.
To have one of the original Beatles on stage right here in downtown H. Falls is a big deal.
The Iron Horse was rocking with a lot of old farts like me -- and a few young whipper snappers too.
We all show up for guys like Peter Tork and Leon Russell and Pete Best.
If you are too young to know who Pete Best is, well, he was the drummer for Paul, John and George for two years. After an audition at Abbey Road Studios in 1962, he was fired and replaced by Ringo Starr.
Nobody knows for sure why the Beatles fired him.
Some say it was because he was too much of a longer and didn’t mix with Paul, John and George.
Some say it was because he refused to have a mop-top haircut like the other three.
Ringo once implied in Playboy that it was because Best was a drug user. That ended up in a libel suit that was settled out of court.
Some say he was fired because he was too popular with the girls.
Best was considered by many of the ladies to be the best-looking Beatle.
After he was fired, girls used to chant:
“Pete Forever…Ringo Never.�
Continue reading "Old farts loved the Best of the Beatles"
Posted by at 8:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Dumb ass judge gets caught with his pants down
June 26, 2007Roy Pearson won’t be getting any of the $67 million he was at first asking for.
The idiot judge won’t even get a piece of the $54 million he decided to settle for.
In fact, old Roy ain’t getting squat.
Nada.
Nil.
Nichts.
Niente.
Not a damn dime.
Now would someone please disbar this dumb ass?
Roy Pearson is a judge in Washington, D.C., who sued the Chungs -- a family of Korean immigrants -- because they didn’t get his pair of pants altered in one day.
The Chungs -- owners of Custom Cleaners -- offered to give him his pants back, but the judge said “no deal.�
He would rather have $67 million.
Then he decided to give the Chungs a break. All he wanted was $54 million.
He sued because Custom Cleaners promised one-day service and had a “satisfaction guaranteed� sign in its window. That, he said, violated the Consumer Protection Act.
But on Monday, Roy was caught with his pants down.
A real judge -- the superior court kind -- ruled that not only was she not giving this guy any money. She was making him pay all the court costs.
The judge loses.
American ustice prevails.
Or did it?
Continue reading "Dumb ass judge gets caught with his pants down"
Posted by at 8:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Two weeks with a smoke-free wife
June 22, 2007Today at 12:45 p.m., my wife will be smoke-free for two weeks.
For some of you, that might seem like no big deal.
But if you smoke or have ever smoked, you know how hard it is to quit.
I started smoking when I was 18. Thought it was cool.
By the time I was 56, I was smoking better than two packs a day.
Then at the end of February, 2002, I smoked my last cigarette.
So I have now been smoke-free for five years and four months.
I did it with Welbutrin -- an antidepressant that sometimes helps a person quit smoking.
It doesn’t work with everyone, and doctors don’t really know why it works with anyone.
But it worked with me.
I had tried to quit many times during the 38 years that I smoked, but nothing worked until Welbutrin.
And I didn’t even stay on the drug very long.
Its side effects was making me goofy -- or goofier. I was having long conversations -- sometimes even debates -- with myself.
Continue reading "Two weeks with a smoke-free wife"
Posted by at 8:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Pacman's House of Poles and Police
June 21, 2007And if you read his rap sheet, you will quickly see that a whole lot of Pacman’s problems start in strip clubs.
The guy obviously is a sucker for a good lap dance.
The Titans maybe should have got the hint that he had a problem when he asked for his multi-million dollar signing bonus to be paid in all one-dollar bills.
Strip clubs just never were my thing.
Oh, when I was a kid, I always wanted to go to the Colony Club in Dallas and see Chris Colt and her “45’s.� I finally got to do that soon after I turned 21.
Pasties took all of the fun out of it.
A lot of the bars started having topless dancers during the 1970’s, but after awhile, you don’t even notice them.
I never went to Babe’s. Is it still open?
I haven’t even been to Maximus, although I really love their ads on their sports page every day.
As I was checking out Web sites doing research for this blog, I ran across a list of the 10 worst names for strip clubs.
Check it out -- I am sure Pacman Jones has been to all of them.
Continue reading "Pacman's House of Poles and Police"
Posted by at 8:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Stories that should have been on the front page
June 20, 2007Most days the paper just bores me.
I yawn at the front page; scan through the obits and check out sports.
There’s not a lot of controversy right now, so even Sound Off and Letters to the Editor are pretty dull.
But if you buy a paper today, you get your 50 cents worth on just one page.
Check out all the good stuff on Page 4A.
“Wallet found 43 years later; contents intact.�
A 70-year-old California man gets his billfold back. Construction workers found it jammed between the metal casings of a radiator in a vacant movie theater.
There was no money in it, but his “charge cards� still were.
I don’t remember anybody having credit cards in 1964.
“Family of 4 found dead at popular park.�
Another story out of California.
If a guy wants to murder his wife and kids and then swallow a bullet, why does he have to take them to Wally World to do it?
I wish these idiots would try suicide-murder rather than murder-suicide.
Shoot yourself first dumb ass and save a lot of lives.
“Body of woman missing from morgue�
A morgue in Chicago has lost the body of a 64-year-old woman.
How in the heck can you lose a corpse?
Did anybody look between the metal casings of the radiator?
Continue reading "Stories that should have been on the front page"
Posted by at 8:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
There's only one true God -- and his name ain't Allah
June 19, 2007Sometimes things seem so screwed up that we can quickly forget that we are blessed to live in the greatest country in the world.
Despite all our warts, this is still the GOOD old USA.
That thought really hit me last week while I was watching a national news show.
The first story was about Hamas taking over the Gaza Strip.
The video showed a bunch of terrorists in ski masks firing rifles all over the place.
The next story was about the death of Billy Graham’s wife, Ruth.
The great Christian evangelist called her his soulmate; his life partner; his best friend.
What a striking contrast.
The hate of Hamas and the love of Billy Graham.
Then it struck me.
The war on terrorism is good vs. bad.
And we are the good guys.
It’s a war of right vs. wrong.
And we are right.
Continue reading "There's only one true God -- and his name ain't Allah"
Posted by at 8:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Daddy, I love you
June 12, 2007This Father's Day blog is one of my favorites. I hope you enjoy the re-run.
They said that the only difference between an alcoholic and a drunk is that the drunks don’t go to meetings.
That officially makes my Daddy a drunk.
He never went to any AA meetings. There was nothing anonymous about him and his alcohol.
He got off work at 4 p.m., so at 4:05 p.m. every day, you could find Daddy and his buddies sitting on their favorite barstools at the Bar-L or Lee’s or Tuck Inn or the Snack Shack or some other popular downtown watering hole.
And for the next eight hours, those old cooks and crooks would drink cheap whiskey from half pint bottles and chase it with draw beer.
Then they would all somehow drive home and pass out -- sometimes in the car, sometimes on the toilet, sometimes on the couch. Once in a blue moon, Daddy made it to bed, always in his clothes, always with a cigarette burning.
As a kid, I never went to sleep at night until I knew that cigarette was out. He would drop it. I would pick it up and rub it out in an ash tray.
There was a time in my life when I hated Daddy for all those nights and other things that made a boy’s life hell.
He ignored me.
He discouraged me.
He embarrassed me.
Continue reading "Daddy, I love you"
Posted by at 8:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
So may I introduce to you, the act you's known for all these years: Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
June 11, 2007It was 40 years ago today. . .
I was sitting in a buddy’s apartment, and he said:
“Man you gotta hear this.�
It was introduction to Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.
And life for at least the next five years was never the same.
Because “Man, you gotta hear this� soon became “Man, you gotta smoke this� and then “Man you gotta drop this.�
It is hard to imagine one album changing a whole generation.
But Sgt. Pepper’s did.
What’s cool for the Beatles must be cool for us.
They told us so in Sgt. Pepper’s.
Paul sang:
“Found my way upstairs and had a smoke. Somebody spoke, and I went into a dream�
Ringo told us:
“I get high with a little help from my friends.�
Paul and John sang:
“I’d love to turn you on.�
If you believe Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds was only a song about a classmate of John Lennon’s son Julian, then you haven’t been paying attention.
Lucy.
Sky.
Diamonds.
The initials tell you what this song is all about.
Picture yourself in a boat on a river,
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies.
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly,
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes.
Cellophane flowers of yellow and green,
Towering over your head.
Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes,
And she's gone.
Posted by at 8:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
An airport scam in Oklahoma City?
June 8, 2007It’s not exactly Danny Oceanish, but I think I have uncovered a scam at the Oklahoma City Airport.
While exiting from my Vegas vacation last week, I handed my parking ticket to the attendant in the “cash� booth and was told I owed $25.
The last time I was at this airport, a couple of years ago, parking in the outside shuttle lot was $4 a day. So I asked the woman in the booth, how much it costs to park.
She told me $5 a day.
That’s still a bargain in today’s world of high-priced airports (like DFW), but there was a problem.
I had only parked four days.
Four times $5 is just $20.
Remember this little old lady had told me $25.
So I questioned the charge.
“Well, you arrived here on 5-26 and you are leaving on 5-31. That’s five days. 25 dollars,� she told me.
I had looked over the parking ticket before I gave it to her.
“No ma’am,� I replied. “I arrived on 5-27.�
She said something like “oh, yeah� and handed me back $5.
Never did I see her run my ticket through any kind of scanner to get the exact total.
It was as if she were just guessing what I owed.
A few miles down the road, the light bulb in my head came on.
“That old woman is running a scam.�
If she overcharged everyone she sees 5 bucks, probably nine of out 10 would not even question the charge. And the ones, who do, like me, would just shrug it off as an honest mistake.
That $45 profit for every 10 cars.
Say it takes three minutes per car -- that figures out at $90 an hour.
$720 bonus for an eight-hour shift.
Five days a week -- 3,600 smackers.
Continue reading "An airport scam in Oklahoma City?"
Posted by at 8:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Vegas is a buffet of boobies
June 7, 2007Brassiere stock must be drooping.
Cleavage is in.
Bras are out.
You don’t have to go into a titty bar anymore to see titties.
They’re all over the mall.
All over the grocery stores.
Even in churches.
I just got back from a Vegas vacation.
Sin City is now a buffet of boobies..
Big ones.
Little ones.
Perky ones.
Tatooed ones.
I loved it.
It’s the best thing Vegas has had to offer since Binion’s $2 steak.
Continue reading "Vegas is a buffet of boobies"
Posted by at 8:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Goodbye, Vermont; Don't let the door hit you in the butt
June 6, 2007Some people in Vermont are demanding secession.
They want their state to no longer be a part of the United States.
“The argument for secession is that the U.S. has become an empire that is essentially ungovernable. It’s too big. It’s too corrupt. And it no longer serves the needs of the citizen,� wrote an editor Vermont Commons, a quarterly newspaper dedicated to secession.
All I can say to that is. . .
Don’t let the door hit you in the butt.
I mean what has Vermont ever given us?
Serial killer Ted Bundy?
Goofball Howard Dean?
Mormons Joseph Smith and Brigham Young?
Lots and lots of maple syrup?
Vermont calls itself a state -- but it’s about as insignificant as a state can get.
Its population -- right at 624,000 -- would rank it the sixth largest city in Texas, just behind Fort Worth.
The largest city in Vermont is Burlington -- 39,148.
Down here, that would make it Haltom City.
Continue reading "Goodbye, Vermont; Don't let the door hit you in the butt"
Posted by at 8:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Cheers to the graduates; Jeers to the school
June 5, 2007Back from Vegas with money in my pocket and my ass still attached.
So I guess can say I had a good vacation.
More about that later in the week.
Today I want to talk about last week’s graduation ceremony at Galesburg High School.
In case you didn’t read about it in last Saturday’s paper, Caisha Gayles and four other seniors at the Illinois school were denied their diplomas because their family and friends cheered for them during the commencement.
Gayles got the most media attention because she was an honor student.
My daughter was anything but an honor student -- but when she walked across that stage in 1997, it as certainly something to celebrate.
All those mornings trying to wake her up in time to get to school. . .
If was often like Ali-Frazier at our house.
And for most kids a school week is Monday through Friday.
But for Christy, it was often Monday through Saturday.
She was a regular member of “The Breakfast Club� at Wichita Falls High.
My daughter hated school.
When she was at Cunningham, I dreaded going to those “Family nights� because teachers would call me aside and say “Mr. Gholson, I need to talk to you about your daughter.�
Then at Barwise, she called her one teacher a bitch.
She wanted to quit high school.
But we finally sat down and had a heart-to-heart, daddy-to-daughter chat, and I talked her into staying in school.
So when graduation day came and that girl walked across the stage, I wasn’t about to sit on my hands.
Continue reading "Cheers to the graduates; Jeers to the school"
Posted by at 8:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
I ggot gscrewed gin gthe gspelling gbee.
May 24, 2007I'm getting ready to go on vacation and wont' be back blogging with you again until Tuesday, June 5.
With the national spelling bee coming up, I am repeating a blog I wrote last year. It is one of my favorites.
If you need a Nick Fix from now until June 5, just click on one of my old blogs. There are almost 250 out there now.
See you on June 5.
----------
Although you probably can't tell it by reading 21st Century Nicky, I used to be a pretty good speller.
No, I never made it to the big dance in Washington, D.C., but I made it to the study hall stage at Reagan Junior High School. In the spring of 1960, I was second place in the Reagan spelling bee.
Some Barbie doll won it.
I remember at the end, when it came down to Nicky vs. Barbie, she tried to distract me by crossing her legs and giving me a small glimpse of adorable flesh.
I sat there trying to go over all the possible hard words in my mind, but what kept popping into my mind would not be found in my little Scripps spelling book.
No, Iwantolickyouallover was not in the book.
Neither was Pleaseletmeseeyourunderwear.
I became so distracted that I missed on a four-letter word.
Now, most teen-age boys are very affluent in four-letter word spellings.
But Barbie won when I spelled "gnat" -- "nat."
Heck, I could have spelled Antidisestablishmentarianism that day, but the little blonde teaser beat me because I missed "gnat."
Why the hell is a "g" in "gnat?"
I mean we don't spell "cat" "gcat."
We don't spell "rat" "grat."
Continue reading "I ggot gscrewed gin gthe gspelling gbee."
Posted by at 7:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
"24'" un-grand finale was lame
May 23, 2007The on-line poll quizzed “24� fans on “What was your favorite part in the season finale?�
(A.) Jack saying goodbye to Audrey.
(B.) Karen and Buchanan are pardoned.
(C.) Chloe tells Morris she is pregnant.
(D.) Jack stands alone overlooking the ocean not knowing what’s next.
My answer:
(A.) Are you kidding?
(B.) Who gives a rat’s ass?
(C.) Just what the world needs -- another alcoholic daddy.
(D.) If Season 7 is not going to be any better than Season 6 -- JUMP.
The two-hour season finale of my favorite TV show was lame.
It was a like a combination of Spiderman, West Wing and Sleeping Beauty.
Remember Season 1 when they killed Jack’s wife at the end? Now that’s a big-time finish.
The grand finale has been slowly going downhill since them, but this was the absolute worst.
We all knew that Jack was going to save the U.S. from World War III and also save his nephew from his daddy. That’s just what Jack does.
In hindsight, I wish they had not killed off daddy.
He was a really good villain and added to a bad plot this season.
But we didn’t see him actually die -- did we?
Bill Buchanan came out a hero in the end. Good for him.
He deserves a happy ending after having a bitch for a wife.
Chloe is pregnant. But who is the daddy?
Jack was in China. Couldn’t be him. (although that would really be cool)
Wasn’t me. I had a vasectomy.
Morris?
Do you really want cool Chloe to have a baby that looks like Morris?
Continue reading ""24'" un-grand finale was lame"
Posted by at 8:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
There's an answer for pessimism; But you may be too pessimistic to believe it
May 21, 2007“Pessimism at record high in U.S.�
The banner headline on Page 1 of the paper today is an attention-getter.
A recent Associated Press poll indicates that only 25 percent of Americans surveyed believe out country is headed in the right direction.
Personally, I am surprised that the number is that high.
Even though we are blessed to live in the greatest country in the world, it is gloom and doom almost anywhere you look.
Just look at the first three pages of this paper.
Right under the pessimism story is a headline that says “Vernon man killed in Iraq.�
Then under that is a photo of price signs at a gas station in Chicago reading “$3.71; $3.81 and $3.91.� Under it is a story telling us that there is no relief in sight at the gas pump.
Turn to page 3 and the top story is about how a birth father put his 2-month-old daughter in a microwave.
The birth mother says it is not his fault.
The devil made him do it.
Then below that is a story on how former President Jimmy Carter is calling George W. Bush’s administration the worst in history.
Only a few years ago, this old peanut farmer was considered the worst president of my lifetime.
Bush is so bad that even Carter can point fingers at him -- and nobody can really disagree.
So what do we do?
Continue reading "There's an answer for pessimism; But you may be too pessimistic to believe it"
Posted by at 8:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Hell can't be too hot for this guy
May 18, 2007I would like to be at the Pearly Gate when Christopher Hitchens arrives.
I’d like to see the look in his eyes when this idiot stares into the eyes of God Almighty.
The conversation might go something like this:
GOD: AREN’T YOU THE PERSON WHO WROTE THE BOOK “GOD IS NOT GREAT?�
Hitchens: uh, uh, uh, uh, well, well, yes, buuuut……
GOD: AND AREN’T YOU THE GUY WHO ONCE CALLED MOTHER TERESA “THE GHOUL OF CALCUTTA?�
Hitchens: well, I uh, well, uh, uh, uh
GOD; WAS IT NOT YOU WHO SAID WHEN JERRY FALWELL DIED THAT “IT’S A PITY THERE ISN’T A HELL FOR HIM TO GO TO.�
Hitchens: uh, what I really meant was………….
GOD: WELL, GUESS WHAT MR. HITCHENS. YOU WERE WRONG.
Waving goodbye, God points to the elevator.
Continue reading "Hell can't be too hot for this guy"
Posted by at 8:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
If you don't know Bo, you don't know Diddley
May 17, 2007You can’t judge an apple by looking at a tree.
You can’t judge honey by looking at the bee.
You can’t judge a daughter by looking at the mother.
You can’t judge a book by looking at the cover.
Those are lyrics from my favorite Bo Diddley song.
If you don’t know Bo Diddley, then you don’t know diddley.
He was the singer my daddy wouldn’t let me listen to.
He was rhythm and blues before the white man could spell R&B.
He was Elvis before Elvis.
He was rock and roll before there was rock and roll.
Oh can’t you see.
Oh you misjudge me.
I look like a farmer,
But I’m a lover.
You can’t judge a book by looking at the cover.
Bo Diddley was also the first black man to ever be asked to perform at a prom here in Wichita Falls.
The Senior Class of 1963 at Wichita Falls High School had him play its senior dance.
That was five years before the integration of our schools.
Continue reading "If you don't know Bo, you don't know Diddley"
Posted by at 8:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Two more years! But not for you, Daddy Dearest
May 16, 2007With only two hours left in the longest day ever, “24� is making news.
First of all, my favorite TV show will be around for at least two more years.
Although the show seems to be losing its edge here in its sixth season, Kiefer Sutherland’s contract runs through 2009 and it has been reported that FOX has ordered season 7 and a season 8.
But, to quote the great Dave Barry:
“Did they also order a plot?�
Also, if you watched the Republican debate last night -- and God, I hope you had better things to do -- you may have heard Jack Bauer’s name mentioned.
When one of the candidates whom I have never heard of and a guy who has no chance --- Tom Tancredo -- was asked what he would do if he was president and there was a nuclear attack on our country.
The Colorado representative answered with something like: “I’d like to call Jack Bauer.�
Well, “Tom Who?� Jack is too busy to take your call.
He has to save his nephew -- even if it means starting World War III.
Personally, I don’t think the kid is worth it, but you know how those Bauers are -- blood is thicker than water with them.
Just a few hours ago, Jack was torturing his brother. Then his Daddy killed the brother.
Then Daddy kidnapped his grandson and put a gun to his head. Then Daddy has Jack on his knees with a gun pointed at his head.
Wonder what Thanksgiving is like with this family.
In the first few minutes of this week’s episode, Jack and his CTU friends kill all of the Chinese gang that took over their building last week -- well, all except the ones who took Josh away.
Then Jack and his pals track down Cheng and Josh, kill a bunch of other Chinese guys and rescue the kid. But Cheng gets away.
Continue reading "Two more years! But not for you, Daddy Dearest"
Posted by at 8:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Grand Funk in the Falls; How cool is that?
May 15, 2007When I saw who is coming to FallsFest this year, my first reaction was:
“Are they still alive?�
I first heard Grand Funk Railroad in my hippy days -- at the Texas International Pop Festival in 1969.
It was a Woodstock-like event at a race track in Lewisville that was put on just two weeks after Woodstock.
The headliners were Janis Joplin and a virtually unknown British band named Led Zeppelin.
They were paid the most -- $10,000 each.
Santana. B.B. King, Chicago Transit Authority, Ten Years After, B.B. King and others were paid a whole lot less.
A band from Michigan calling itself Grand Funk Railroad got nothing.
But the people putting on the festival told them they could perform if they did it for free and paid their own expenses.
They stole the show.
They were better than Joplin.
A heck of a lot better than Zeppelin.
Continue reading "Grand Funk in the Falls; How cool is that?"
Posted by at 8:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Superman wasn't the weirdest newspaper reporter
May 14, 2007While being interviewed by Channel 6 last week, the reporter asked why I chose the newspaper business as a career.
I answered: “If it’s good enough for Superman, it’s good enough for me.�
I’m not sure what kind of reporter Clark Kent was, but even his habit of changing clothes in a telephone booth wouldn’t make him stranger than some of the characters I have worked with here at the Times Record News the past 35 years.
We once had a guy who never changed clothes.
This reporter came to work every day wearing what I swear were the same white shirt and black slacks.
He lived in a small trailer parked on a vacant lot between 8th and 9th on Ohio Street -- what was Skid row when I was a kid. Every day when he came to work, he stopped off in the men’s restroom right beside the back door and shaved and washed up.
When the reporter replaced him moved into his desk, he found one large drawer full of half pint whiskey bottles.
And then there was this big-breasted girl that we once hired to work the police beat.
Some guy invited her to join the co-ed softball team, and she agreed to play.
“What’s your best position,� he asked.
“Missionary,� she answered.
Continue reading "Superman wasn't the weirdest newspaper reporter"
Posted by at 8:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Hug your mama, I wish I could hug mine
May 10, 2007I always get kind of sentimental at this time of year.
That’s because I have always been a Mama’s boy.
And, boy, do I miss my Mama.
She has been gone for almost 44 years.
I was only 16 – a month before the start of my senior year in high school – when Mama was killed.
She was only 35.
Mama wasn’t the June Cleaver type mother.
She was young and liked to party.
She drank cold beer and sometimes gin and tonic.
She loved to go dancing on Saturday night.
She wore short shorts back when the churches told us that all women who wore short shorts were headed straight to hell.
Continue reading "Hug your mama, I wish I could hug mine"
Posted by at 3:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
One 'mother' who's not worth celebrating
When I was a kid, it was a custom to wear a rose at church on Mother’s Day.
If you mama was alive, you wore a red rose.
If she was dead, you wore a white one.
I’m not sure if anyone does that any more.
But if they did, I wonder what kind of rose my kids would wear.
\
Do they make black roses?
What if you just wore the thorns?
There must be some way to tell everyone you have a really crappy mother.
My kids certainly did.
Now I know I have caught hell in these blogs for calling my ex-wives bad names.
So today I want to let you know that of the three exes that I have, two are wonderful mothers.
The other one is a selfish bitch.
And the really bad thing about that is that one is the birth mother of my two kids.
She deserted them when my son was 13 and my daughter was 10.
I was in Oklahoma City covering the Olympic Festival on July 29 when she lied to them, left them with strangers and ran off to Oregon to live with an old boyfriend.
I did my best as a single parent to raise them, but it’s tough with the job I have.
Tommy is now 31 and Christy is 28.
I am so proud of the people they became.
Not perfect -- but Dad wasn’t either.
Over the last 18 years, they have both tried to love their birth mom, but she has done everything she could to make that impossible.
So they understandably still have scars from being abandoned by the woman who should have loved them more than anything on this earth.
Continue reading "One 'mother' who's not worth celebrating"
Posted by at 8:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Death is too high a price to pay for sex
May 9, 2007Chivalry is dead.
And so is Milo.
I am a guy, so I know what stupid things a guy will do to get a girl.
But die?
Don’t you think that’s a bit much?
Milo has been wanting to get into Nadia’s pants for the past 20 hours.
And, last night as the clock ticked down to 3 a.m. on the sixth season of “24,� he paid the ultimate price for his lust.
He took a bullet right between the eyes.
“Who’s in charge here?� Zhou -- the leader of Cheng’s Chinese street gang -- asks after the gang takes over CTU.
At that time, I would have been pointing 10 fingers toward Nadia.
But what does Milo do?
He raises his hand and steps forward.
Zhou shoots him right in the forehead.
Milo drops dead.
Later on Zhou discovers that Nadia is really the person in charge.
But, he, too must want inside her pants.
Instead of putting a bullet in her head, he lets her walk away.
Back in Washington, we are given another bra and belly shot of lusty Lisa.
Too bad it wasn’t her that Milo had a crush on.
Lisa is easy.
Before I stop this sex talk, there was also a scene this week where Marilyn Bauer -- Jack’s sister-in-law -- promises Jack she will always be there for him when this is all over.
Wouldn’t all of us guys be so lucky to have such a wonderful family!
Continue reading "Death is too high a price to pay for sex"
Posted by at 8:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Calvin and the Queen: An odd couple
May 8, 2007It was a white-tie dinner, and Calvin Borrel didn’t own a white tie.
Will white socks do?
The Cajun who grew up in the sugar cane fields of Louisiana was the most unlikeliest guest at the White House last night.
But the eighth-grade dropout and a girlfriend named Funk sat there at one of the 13 tables in the State Dining Room.
There were 134 at the dinner -- mostly diplomats, business men and women and members of Congress. The women were expected to wear ball gowns and tiaras; the men were in tail coats, white waistcoats and bow ties.
The dinner was in honor of Queen Elizabeth and His Royal Highness Prince Philip.
The host and hostess were, of course, President Bush and First Lady Laura.
Somehow Arnold Palmer got an invitation. Even stranger, so did Peyton Manning.
But the strangest of all was Calvin and Miss Funk.
Most of the guests were probably sitting there thinking:
“Who’s the goofy looking little guy with the big ears?�
He just won the biggest horse race of all, coming from 19th down the stretch.
Calvin Borrel -- winning his first Kentucky Derby -- is a great story.
But he doesn’t belong in a snooty place like this.
What do you say to these high-falooting people?
Continue reading "Calvin and the Queen: An odd couple"
Posted by at 9:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
My wife is seeing another man, and it ain't funny
May 7, 2007My wife is seeing another man.
Right in our own house.
With me in the next room.
They get together for an hour every day.
Three hours on Wednesday.
No wonder they call it hump day.
His name is Raymond.
Ray Barone.
He, too, is a sports writer.
They say everybody loves him.
I don’t.
My wife gets a lot of laughs out of “Everybody Loves Raymond.�
And she’s not alone. This sit-com ran for nine years on CBS and is now challenging “Sex in the City� for the most syndicated sitcom air time.
But it’s not funny -- at least not to me.
I’m not being a hard-ass here.
My wife converted me over to “Frazier.� I had never watched it before I met her.
She even got me to watch “Third Rock from the Sun� -- an idiotic sitcom, but one at least good for a few laughs.
What Jenee’ finds funny about Raymond, I really don’t know.
Maybe he is the “anti-sports,� the wife’s way of protesting all of the sports I watch on TV.
Funny thing is I really do love sitcoms.
Good ones. Funny ones.
They just quit making them.
So today I am going to give you my 10 top funniest sitcom characters of all time.
Let’s do the Letterman think -- start with No. 10 and work out way to No. 1.
Continue reading "My wife is seeing another man, and it ain't funny"
Posted by at 8:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
A billion ways to look at a billion; and more
May 4, 2007The $116 billion that George W. has requested for the fiscal year that begins on Sept. 1, would push the total cost of the war in Iraq to $564 billion, according to Congressional Research Service.
$564 billion!
If the 21 richest people in the world all went completely broke, and another 60,000 millionaires agreed to donate all their wealth, we could pay off this war at least until the president asks for more of our tax dollars.
A billion -- for you who don’t know is one thousand million.
Arecent e-mail I received put it this way:
(A.) A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
(B.) A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
(C.) A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
(D.) A billion dollars ago was only eight hours and 20 minutes at the rate out governor is spending.
A Seattle Times story looked at it this way.
What could $564 million buy?
(A.) A college education — tuition, fees, room and board at a public university — for about half of the nation's 17 million high-school-age teenagers.
(B.) Preschool for every 3- and 4-year-old in the country for the next eight years.
(C.) A year's stay in an assisted-living facility for about half of the 35 million Americans age 65 or older.
Continue reading "A billion ways to look at a billion; and more"
Posted by at 9:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Maybe this '24" should have been '19'
May 3, 2007Maybe the sixth season of “24� should have been named “19.�
If the 20th hour of this day is a sign of things to come, the next four hours just might be really boring.
Once all the terrorists werekilled off and the nuclear weapons seized, this show turned into crap.
It started with the return of boring Audrey.
And now her stupid daddy is back.
If it hadn’t been for Jack Bauer, daddy’s head would be lying at the feet of some hooded terrorists.
So how does his repay Jack for saving his neck?
Daddy dearest is ordering Jack to stay away from his dumb ass daughter.
“You’re cursed, Jack. Everything you touch, one way or another, ends up dead.�
If that’s true, please touch daddy and daughter.
Kill them off before they kill my favorite TV show.
Continue reading "Maybe this '24" should have been '19'"
Posted by at 8:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Hope you didn't doze off -- like the Warriors did
May 2, 2007If you’re not yawning a lot more these days, then you’re not a basketball fan.
Because the Dallas Mavericks have become a real after-hours show.
You “kids� out there may not understand.
When the clock strikes midnight, you’ve still got your groove on.
But for old guys like me who often doze off before 10 p.m., these late-night basketball games are wearing me out.
In Game 1 of the Warriors-Mavericks, I decided to go to Dallas and double cover the game with my cohort Andy Newberry. At the time, I made my decision, I thought the game would be shown on a Sunday afternoon by ABC.
Instead, they gave it to TNT at 8:30 p.m. our time.
But like a doctor’s appointment these days, 8:30 doesn’t really mean 8:30.
If you TV Guide says 8:30, that means the tip-off will be at least 8:45.
And with no overtime, 8:45 games usually end sometime after 11 -- if you’re lucky.
After covering Game 1 in Dallas on Sunday night and then driving home, I got into bed at 3:08 a.m. Monday.
So you should understand why I have passed on covering any more late games.
When I up almost six hours past my bedtime, I feel it for the next week.
But I still can’t say “no� to Warriors-Mavericks on TV.
In the first five games, this series has had more ups and downs than the Bunny Ranch.
The Mavericks are gong to win in five.
Make that six.
They’re dead.
They’re back.
They’re really dead.
Maybe not.
Stick a fork in them, they’re done.
Dirk’s a dud.
No, Dirk’s a stud.
It’s 3-2 going back to California.
They have a chance.
Don’t they?
Continue reading "Hope you didn't doze off -- like the Warriors did"
Posted by at 8:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Remembering Jim Lonergan
May 1, 2007I worked eight years for Rhea Howard and only talked to him twice.
The first time was when he had ordered me and sports editor Ted Buss to get press credentials for the Masters, so he could give them to a country club buddy and his wife.
“You have a girl’s name,� he said, letting me know that the wife would be using “Nicky� Gholson’s credential.
Our next meeting was in his office -- the first time I had ever been allowed through the sacred door.
Mr. Howard sat behind his big desk. I sat down in front of his throne.
He pushed a photo of a softball team in front of me and told me to get it in the paper. His next door neighbor would really be happy seeing his little girl’s picture in the paper.
I told Mr. Howard that we had a rule of not running a photo with more than five people in it.
“I think we can make an exception to the rule this time, don’t you?� he said.
That was it.
My two big moments with Mr. Howard.
I remember right after he died and Harte Hanks brought in a new publisher, our editor told me:
“He’s the antichrist.�
Bull hockey.
The editor at the time was a member of the Howard family and realized that from now on, the family would no longer be getting all those special favors any more.
Jim Lonergan was a big change from Mr. Howard.
He knew my name.
He actually spoke to me.
He invited me to play golf with him.
He invited me to his house.
He let me call him by his first name.
He didn’t fire me when the sports department kept misspelling his name (Lonegan).
As long as we gave Nebraska big headlines and ran Dartmouth basketball scores (his grandson played there), Jim was happy.
Still, I wonder what this old newspaperman would have said if he knew this paper had him both 81 and 82 years old in our obits today.
Continue reading "Remembering Jim Lonergan"
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35 years! But who's counting?
April 27, 2007 Today is my 35th anniversary at the Times Record News. I am celebrating it at the golf course -- not playing, but covering the Byron Nelson Championship.
So you’re getting a re-run.
Or maybe you might want to call it a re-run of re-run.
This column first ran back in 2002 when I celebrated my 30th year working for the paper.
------------------------------------------
The year was 1972.
Nixon was in the White House. Watergate was just a swanky hotel.
Young American kids were dying on the battlefields of Vietnam.
Arab terrorists were murdering young Israeli athletes.
Don McLean’s “American Pie� was the year’s No. 1 song.
“The Godfather� was the top movie of the year.
Britney Spears’ parents were in the Pepsi Generation.
On April 27 of that year - exactly 35 years ago today - Ted Buss, then the sports editor of this newspaper, gave his newest sports writer a scorebook and sent him to Burkburnett to cover a Hirschi-Burk high school baseball game.
It was my first assignment and my first byline.
Since that day I have been fortunate enough to cover a Summer Olympics in Greece and a Winter Olympics in Italy; 31Dallas Cowboys’ seasons and three Super Bowls; baseball’s All-Star Game and all of the Texas Rangers’ home playoff games; the very first Dallas Mavericks game; the NCAA basketball tournament; a PGA Championship and a U.S. Open.
I’ve followed Tiger Woods inside the ropes for 18 holes.
I’ve met Willie Mays and Hank Aaron; Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson; O.J., Dr. J and Sugar Ray; Nicklaus, Palmer, Trevino and Player; Bo Jackson, Bear Bryant, Tom Landry, Nolan Ryan, George W. Bush, more celebrity elbow-rubbing than I have time to talk about.
Man, it has been a fun 35 years.
Maybe the best part of it all is I have been able to do almost everything I have ever wanted to do while still living in my old hometown. I didn’t have to move to Houston or Dallas and waste a big percentage of my life sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic. I didn’t have to become a damn Yankee or move out west to the land of fruits and nuts.
Continue reading "35 years! But who's counting?"
Posted by at 7:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Miss America's war on perverts
April 26, 2007Want to see some photos of Miss America?
Want to chat with her online?
Go to jail. Go directly to jail.
Don’t pass go.
Don’t collect 200.
Once upon a time, Miss Americas were all about world peace.
But Lauren Nelson is about catching perverts.
Miss America -- from just up the road in Lawton -- allowed herself to be used as bait in a Suffolk County, New York sting.
The county’s computer crimes unit baited perverts with an online profile of a 14-year-old, using photos of Miss A as a teen-ager.
Seven guys were arrested about chatting with her online and then sending her pornographic photos.
Four others were nabbed after chatting online and then showing up at house.
This is the latest news in our country’s obsession with “To Catch a Predator.�
In case you haven’t seen this NBC Dateline show, they bait guys who are online looking for sex with kids. They set up meetings in a house. And when the pervert shows up, he isn’t met by a nekid 13-year-old boy or girl -- no. he gets a house full of hidden cameras and NBC correspondent Chris Hansen.
Then this kind of conversation occurs.
Hansen: “What are you doing here?�
Pervert: “Duh, just hanging out.�
Hansen: “Who are you here to meet?�
Pervert: “No one.�
Hansen: “Do you know David?�
Pervert: “David, who?�
Hansen: “The 13-year-old boy who you have been chatting with online about oral sex.�
Pervert: “No, you’re wrong. I meant Oral Roberts. This boy needs a church home. I’m here to invite him to my church.�
Hansen: “Are you the Pope?�
The pervert then runs out the door and straight into the arms of policemen holding handcuffs.
Continue reading "Miss America's war on perverts"
Posted by at 8:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
What kind of a wife would fire her husband?
April 25, 2007I have had wives cuss me, hit me and leave me, but I have never had one fire me.
So I really have no advice for Bill Buchanan.
Politics put his wife Karen in a “Him or me?� situation just after the clock struck midnight on “24� this week.
And Karen -- the selfish bitch that she is -- chose “Him.�
Then she called her husband up and told him he was fired.
It didn’t matter that 13,000 Americans had just died in terrorist nuclear attacks that day and Bill was directing the counter-terrorism unit in the city where the attacks occurred.
It was hit the road, Bill.
Right now.
You should have seen it coming, Bill.
Anytime your wife refuses to take your last name, there is trouble brewing.
Karen Hayes never loved you, Billy boy.
If she had, she would have been Karen Buchanan.
Even worse, she lives in Washington D.C.
You live in Los Angeles.
That’s 2,672 miles apart.
A 39 hours and five minute drive.
You cross eight states to get to each other.
What do you do on Valentine’s Day -- have cell phone sex?
Also, she’s a Princeton girl and you’re a Brown guy.
Ivy League rivals.
Princeton has four of the last football games against Brown.
Now, Bill, are you really surprised this bitch fired you?
Continue reading "What kind of a wife would fire her husband?"
Posted by at 8:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Hope my nose ring matches these white socks
April 24, 2007I’ve never been big on dressing up.
You who know me will shout “amen� to that.
That’s why every time I show up at work wearing a sports coat and slacks, people keep asking: “Who died?�
But I guess they are right.
Every time I put on a coat, I reach in the pocket and find a funeral “program.�
When did the funeral homes start passing out these little programs at funerals?
Probably when they found out they could add another thousand or so onto the bill.
“Get your program. Get your program. You can’t tell who the dead person is without a program.�
Sorry about that. This was not supposed to be a blog about funeral ripoffs.
It is about fashion.
I saw an online feature today titled “Men’s Fashion Mistakes. What not to wear to work.�
They had a check list of 10 things that a guy should not do.
Believe it or not, I did pretty well on this fashion test.
1. No backpacks.
Yeah, right, like I am going to show up at work looking like I’m going to hike the Wichita Mountains. I don’t hike. Nor do I wear backpacks any time or any place.
2. No cologne.
Old Spice after shave is all I buy. And it matches my Old Spice stick deodorant.
Remember back when guys used to splash on about a pint of English Leather or Brut. I’d rather smell a bad fart. That broke me from cologne.
3. No comb-overs.
Hey, if I do, I don’t do it on purpose. The feature suggests that guys like me shave my head and look like Michael Jordan. Black guys like Mike can get away with that. But have you seen Howie Mandel lately?
4. No funky facial hair.
Since I have more hair growing from my nose and ears, I do my best to keep these two areas trimmed down. And can you really imagine me wearing a “soul patch?� -- one of those funky looking unshaven thing under your lower lip. Not unless I get cast in a Kung Fu movie.
5. No wacky ties.
I do own a tie with pool balls on it. It looks really cool hanging in my closet.
Continue reading "Hope my nose ring matches these white socks"
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4-20 now in "high" definition
April 20, 2007This is a re-run of my blog on this day a year ago.4-20
4-20 is now one of the most interesting days of the year.
If you planned ahead, you bought lots of stock in Oreo cookies because it's a good bet on April 20, Oreo consumption will go up drastically.
You have heard of crunchtime.
Well, welcome to munchtime.
It's "Reefer Madness" all over the USA -- the day when many Americans celebrate marijuana.
I had never heard of 4-20 until a year or two ago. (But my kids had.)
The origin of the 4-20 dates back to 1971 when a group of high school kids at San Rafael High School in California met at 4:20 in the afternoon to smoke weed.
It's as simple as that, although there have been many other theories such as:
420 is the penal code section of marijuana use in California.
420 is the Los Angeles police radio code for marijuana smoking in progress.
420 is the number of chemical compounds in marijuana.
4-20 (April 20) is the day that rock stars Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin all died. (Morrison died on July 3, Hendrix on Sept. 18 and Joplin on Oct. 4)
4-20 (April 20) is the best time of plant marijuana.
Continue reading "4-20 now in "high" definition"
Posted by at 7:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Boxers or briefs?
April 19, 2007AOL posted something today called “Battle of the Best Brands.�
Since I am bored and really have nothing to blog about, I think I’ll take this test.
1. Target vs. Wal Mart?
Wal Mart.
Once upon a time, I would have picked Target because I knew where everything was. Then they started re-arranging their store and I hate that. Wal Mart just has more to offer.
2. Hellmann’s vs. Kraft?
Neither
Mayonnaise is mayonnaise.
3. Bud Light vs. Miller Lite?
Bud Light.
It’s still the King of Beers.
4.Coke vs. Pepsi?
Coke.
I hate Pepsi. Does that make me an old fart?
5. McDonald’s vs. Burger King?
Burger King.
The Whopper is better than anything McDonald’s has ever made.
6. Google vs. Yahoo?
Google.
This could change quickly since the company I work for has made a deal with Yahoo.
7. Starbucks vs. Dunkin Donuts?
Dunkin Donuts.
I wish we still had one. The coffee and donuts were great. And they didn’t have a tip jar. How can a place that charges 5 bucks for a cup of coffee put a tip jar on their counter?
8. Microsoft vs. Apple?
Microsoft.
Don’t ask me why. I don’t have a clue.
9. Southwest Airlines vs. JetBlue Airways?
Southwest Airlines.
I like peanuts. And I have never heard of JetBlue Airways.
10. Whole Foods Market vs. Trader Joe’s?
United Market Street
I really don’t need the other two.
Continue reading "Boxers or briefs?"
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'LIKE A TURD IN WATER?'
April 18, 2007I read every word in every story of the “Parents vs. Rider� feud published in our paper this morning.
And at this time I have no opinion on the issue.
I need more facts before I can take either side.
The one thing we all need to learn from this is you better watch what you say at all times.
You never know when a tape recorder is running.
In these days where you can do everything except unclog your arteries with your cell phone, there is no such thing as privacy.
Don’t believe me. Ask Cosmo Kramer.
Yes times have really changed.
I can’t imagine my teachers and principal at Wichita Falls High School having a conversation quite like the Rider one I read about in the paper today.
I really can’t see O.T. Freeman sitting in an office with Helen Grace Gould and Edna Farabee when all of a sudden Miss Gould pops up and says: “It’s going to go over like a turd in water.�
What?
I’m betting Miss Gould never said “turd� her whole life.
She might say “there was some poopy in the potty� but not “turd.�
But Female Voice 1 did -- and it showed up on Page 8A of the Times Record News this morning.
Better be glad this is not England.
Can you imagine what a British tabloid would do with this story?
This morning on Page 1 -- in 200-point extra black type, the headline would read:
“LIKE A TURD IN WATER?�
(I liked it so much, you notice I used it to headline this blog.)
Now someone tell me exactly what “like a turd in water� means.
Is it when you lift the lid off the commode and see that one little brown souvenir left behind by the last guest?
We have all been there. Don’t like it one little bit.
But the guys down at the pool hall never said “like a turd in water.�
Their old expression was “like a turd in a punch bowl.�
That has such a deeper meaning because people don’t drink out of a toilet bowl --but they drink do out of a punch bowl.
As my boss just said: “That kinda breaks up the party�
Continue reading "'LIKE A TURD IN WATER?'"
Posted by at 8:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
I really don't want to remember Charles Whitman, but it's hard to forget
April 17, 2007
My first reaction to the Virginia Tech tragedy on Monday was: “Charles Whitman.�
Although it happened almost 41 years ago, Whitman’s college campus massacre can’t be forgotten by us Texans. It was just too close to home.
But apparently the 41 years have erased the memory of that tragedy for other.
The only mention of it in our paper this morning was:
“Aug. 1, 1966: Shooter fires rifle from an observation deck at the University of Texas; 16 killed; 31 wounded.�
Charles Whitman’s name was not even mentioned.
But before the bloody attack that left 33 dead at Virginia Tech on Monday, Whitman’s was the deadliest school shooting in U.S. history.
He took a sawed off shotgun, a Remington 700 bolt-action hunting rifle and scope; a M1 Carbine; a .35 caliber Remington rifle and three pistols to the UT tower that stood 27 stories high. From there, he turned the Texas campus into his own personal shooting gallery.
Continue reading "I really don't want to remember Charles Whitman, but it's hard to forget"
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Golf wins out over blogging
April 16, 2007Taking off today to play the very best golf course in Texas.
Every year at this time, I get the privilege of walking in the footsteps of Hogan. I am a regular in the field at the annual Colonial Wide Open.
This is a special gig for the media.
And since I have been covering the real Colonial tournament for 26 years, I always get an invitation to be a part of the Wide Open.
And today, for the very first time, my partners are two old “wire gods� that I have known forever – Denne Freeman, retired sports writer for the Associated Press and Mike Raubin, retired sports writer from the UPI.
We will be teamed with a Colonial member and probably have no chance at winning or coming close. But I can promise you we will have a whole lot of fun.
Maybe there will be some stories worth telling you tomorrow
Posted by at 8:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Why I'll always remember Friday the 13th
April 13, 2007For most of you, Friday the 13th will come and go and you’ll never even know it was here.
But for me, I have a souvenir from a Friday the 13th gone by that always makes me stop and think about this supposedly unluckiest of days.
My right hand still has the mark from a 1967 skin graft. Technology back then left a person looking like something left over from a Frankenstein movie. My hand is living proof.
There are also a few scars on my right arm to remind me of Friday the 13th of October, 1967.
There are people who have known me most of my life who don’t know what happened to my hand and arm. Most are too polite to ask.
But every once in awhile, I’ll be in a grocery store line and some little kid will shout out:
“Hey, mister, what happened to your hand?�
Mom will quickly slap him or shake him, tell him to shut up and then start apologizing for the honesty of a child.
For years, I tried to hide the scars.
But after awhile, you just say “to hell with it.�
Although I can still type around 90 words a minute and still do all the things I could do before Oct. 13, 1967, there are still limitations on the use of my right hand. I still can’t bend my fingers enough to make a fist and there are some missing tendons in my wrist that cause some problems.
If it weren’t for this, I am sure that Tiger Woods would now be only the No. 2 golfer in the world.
But the reason I am blogging about this today is to tell you how it all happened.
It was a nice sunny Friday afternoon in October and a good friend of mine asked me to go to Arlington with him to see the Coyotes play a high school football game. He was a senior at Wichita Falls High at the time and had just bought his first new car. I was going to Midwestern.
He brought along two other high school friends whom I didn’t know.
He drove. Those two rode in the back. And I rode shotgun.
We took the Jacksboro Highway, and I remember going through Jacksboro.
But just south of Jacksboro -- where the road went back and forth for two-lane to four-lane -- my friend somehow got stuck on the gravel shoulder with an 18-wheeler to his left.
He sped up to get around the truck and lost control of the car in the gravel.
All of a sudden we were in the northbound lane going south.
I had been relaxing with my arm outside the window and my right hand resting on top of the car.
When I saw us about to go head-on with a northbound car, I went into shock and froze.
Continue reading "Why I'll always remember Friday the 13th"
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Quit dancing! C.W. is a good newspaper man
April 12, 2007During his resignation/retirement interview yesterday, our editor Carroll Wilson said he hoped “there’s not dancing in the streets� over the announcement.
He didn’t really mean it.
If there had been a street dance on 13th street this morning when he turned the corner to come to work, he would have laughed his butt off.
Good newspaper people don’t mind being hated.
It just means they have done a good job.
Not everybody liked C.W.
That comes with the territory.
But at the same time, a whole of people did like him.
That comes with the territory, too.
I call it the “Howard Cosell Philosophy.�
Half the people hate you, half the people love you -- and all the people listen to you.�
People read Carroll Wilson.
That’s why he gets those nasty “letters to the editor.�
The really scary thing about being a newspaper columnist is when those letters quit showing up in your mail box.
I read Carroll.
Maybe it’s because we’re about the same age and I can identify with a lot of the things he says, but the main reason I read him is he’s a good writer.
But, since he is my boss, there have been times when I hated the guy.
I would go home, drink a few beers and rant and rave to my wife about how I would like to kill the little prick.
I’m sure at the same time, in another part of this town, Carroll -- after his third glass of wine -- looked over at Lynda and said; “I would like to kill that fat prick.�
The next morning we would sit down, make up and laugh at something funny that had happened here at the newspaper yesterday, or the day before that, or the year before that or the decade before that.
After all, we have worked here together for 24 years.
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Posted by at 8:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Jack is back; and so is '24'
April 11, 2007I am fixing to do something very un-George Bush-like.
I admit I was wrong.
A week ago, I was sure that Jack Bauer was on his last legs, headed for either the cemetery or an old folk’s home.
Our country was no longer safe in his shaky hands.
That was last week.
Or should I say “last hour?�
This week, Jack was at his best, and “24� was its old action-packed self again.
If you saw the latest version of the movie “Cape Fear,� you remember the scene where the family is high-tailing it out of town and Robert DeNiro is hanging onto the bottom of the family van.
Well, this week Jack takes a similar ride, clutching onto the undercarriage of a trash truck being driven by the nasty terrorist, Fayed.
Once they get to the warehouse, Fayed and his terrorist buddies outnumber Jack at least 5 or 6 to 1.
But guess what?
There is only one man left standing (or sitting), and it is Jack Bauer.
After killing all of Fayed’s machine-gun toting friends, it comes down to Jack vs. Fayed -- mano y mano.
No contest.
Continue reading "Jack is back; and so is '24'"
Posted by at 8:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
I found some good in Don Imus; Now fire him
April 10, 2007My grandma used to tell me that if you looked hard enough and long enough, you can find some good in everybody.
So I spent a few minutes this morning looking for something good about Don Imus.
It’s certainly not his looks.
This radio talk show host is one ugly dude.
He certainly has a face made for radio.
He’s 66 years old but doesn’t look a day over 90.
And you don’t need a whole lot of talent to make a living being a radio shock jock.
(See Howard Stern.)
Just be crude and rude and somebody will pay you for it.
But I found something good about Don Imus.
He and his wife Deirdre founded the Imus Ranch, a working cattle ranch in New Mexico -- a charitable organization that helps kids with cancer as well as siblings of SIDS victims.
Having said that, Imus should be fired for the “nappy-headed hos� remark he made about the Rutgers women’s basketball team that he made on the air last week.
Now usually when Jesse Jackson starts hollering for someone to be fired, I take the other side.
But if Imus gets out of this with only a two-week suspension, then someone owes Jimmy the Greek a big apology.
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Posted by at 8:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Christmasizing Easter; Bah humbug!
April 9, 2007Every year, it seems, they are turning Easter more and more into Christmas.
I don’t exactly know who “they� are, but I can feel their hand on my billfold.
Since Americans spend around $154 billion celebrating the birth of their Lord and Savior, surely they won’t mind forking over only $14 billion or so to celebrate his resurrection.
And if mom and dad will put 50 or 100 bucks on their credit card to get those precious photos of Junior sitting in Santa Claus’ lap -- well, they just have to buy the matching set with their kid with the Easter bunny.
How long ago has this creepy rabbit been hanging around the mall?
What’s next -- the devil himself on Halloween?
A big turkey for Thanksgiving?
If mom and dad will buy pictures of Junior sitting in the lap of a wineo dressed up in a rabbit costume, they will also buy Satan and Tom Turkey.
I saw they were selling Easter cards at the drug store.
Never have I sent anyone an Easter card. So don’t be hurt if you didn’t get one from me this year.
How long will it be before people wise up and start celebrating Easter Eve?
Christmas Eve was a good idea for getting another day off from work. And you might have noticed that some are now asking for Christmas Eve Eve off. They need that extra day to get ready for Christmas Eve.
Can I say Bah Humbug to Easter?
I don’t know for sure what a Humbug is, but I still think I will “bah� it.
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Posted by at 8:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Lord's Supper should be on Thursday
April 5, 2007Since tomorrow is Good Friday and Sunday is Easter, then today should be the day we Christians celebrate the Lord’s Supper.
It was the evening before the crucifixion -- Thursday on our calendar -- that Christ sat down with his disciples, broke bread (“This is my body�, drank wine (“This is my blood�) and told us to continue to do this in remembrance of him.
Growing up in the Church of Christ, we took the Lord’s Supper every Sunday.
Since joining the Baptist church, I never know when it’s coming.
There seems to be no real timetable for the Lord’s Supper.
And Jesus really didn’t say do this every week or do this every month or every quarter or every Christmas Eve.
He just said do it.
Continue reading "Lord's Supper should be on Thursday"
Posted by at 9:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Goodbye, Jack; Goodbye, Chloe; Goodbye "24"
April 4, 2007I think the “24� is running out of gas.
For five years, I planned my Monday evenings around this show.
I missed the start of Monday Night Football and every college basketball national championship game.
I put out a “Do not disturb� sign and told friends and family not to call and bother me during “24.�
But after watching this week, I think this show is a short-timer.
Eight more hours to go.
The main character for all six years has been Jack Bauer.
Last night Jack got just 15 minutes of air time and only killed two people.
And Chloe O’Brien -- who has saved the good old USA from complete destruction the last two years -- is now playing third string at CTU.
Last night, Chloe’s contribution to the show was 10 words:
“Getting a clean audio signal from the transmitter on Gredenko.�
Instead of Jack killing people and Chloe saving Jack, this show centered on what was going on with all the people at the White House.
If I had wanted this, I would have watched “West Wing.�
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Posted by at 9:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
11 months without 'dribble penetration'
April 3, 2007The college basketball season ended last night.
I am happy to see it go.
Now I have 11 months whole months without Billy Packer or Dick Vitale or Digger Phelps or any of the way too many guys who analyze this sport.
It now seems our world have more college basketball analysts than it does boxing champions.
Don’t get me wrong. I love college basketball.
I just don’t watch it on TV in November, December or January.
Oh, I cover some games as part of my job. But basketball season for me really doesn’t begin until after the Super Bowl.
Really after Valentine’s Day.
My daddy hated basketball. He wouldn’t even come to watch my games.
He called it a “stupid game� and refused to refer to it as a sport because my mother had played basketball for Petrolia High School.
“If your mother can play it, it’s not a damn sport,� he used to say. “Take the stupid game and give it back to the girls.�
Despite being raised in an environment like that, I always loved basketball.
It’s just the announcers that I hate.
Please, please, please -- enough of this talk about “dribble penetration.�
That just sounds nasty.
And ball screens.
What the heck is a ball screen?
I think I will ask my urologist.
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Posted by at 8:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Should I stay or should I go?
April 2, 2007The deadline is now less than nine hours away.
At 5 p.m. today, I must say yes or no.
Yes means go.
Take the company’s early retirement offer, then hit the road, Jack, and don’t ya come back no more, no more.
I have often heard about-to-be-unemployed people say, “I was looking for a job when I found this one.�
Me, too. But that was 35 years ago.
Nixon was president.
My big boss was a sophomore in high school.
M*A*S*H debuted on CBS.
The hottest video game was the only video game -- Pong.
Minimum wage was $1.60 an hour.
I had hair - and lots of it.
And I was hired for minimum wage.
Now the company is offering me more than 700 weeks of my original pay to go away.
To some people, how they earn their daily bread is just a job.
They trudge through life, looking forward to retirement.
But not me.
What I do is more than just a job to me. It’s a profession.
It is why I went to college.
It’s why I wrote a letter to the sports editor 35 years ago threatening to burn down his garage if he didn’t hire me.
The fourth happiest day of my life was when he gave in and hired me to be a sports writer -- even if it was for minimum wage. I would have worked for less if the government had allowed it.
It is hard just to walk away from something you have poured your whole life into.
Also, if I say yes, what will I do?
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Posted by at 8:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
"Forever stamp" or Jehovah Witnesses?
March 30, 2007If you want to give your newborn child or grandchild a really nice gift, buy stamps.
A thousand bucks worth of “forever stamps� can mean a real savings on down the line.
The new “forever stamp� costs 39 cents.
For your thousand, you can buy 2,564 stamps.
If the cost of stamps continues to rise -- like it has in my lifetime, here is what will happen.
By the time the kid graduates from high school, those stamps will have turned a 66 percent profit.
By the time he gets a real job, the profit will be 166 percent.
By the time he has a child of his own, it will jump to 300 percent.
By the time a second child comes along, it will be 400 percent.
Those 2,564 stamps are now worth 12,820 stamps.
And by the time that little baby grows up to be an old man like me, that number will have increased to 35,050 stamps.
While in the year, 2067, his friends are paying $5.57 to mail a letter, thanks to you, it is costing him only 39 cents
Since I was born, a postage stamp has gone up in price 1,266 percent.
And, come May 14, there will have been 19 different price increases.
I think the comedian Gallagher may have had the best idea.
Continue reading ""Forever stamp" or Jehovah Witnesses?"
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If a tornado hits, I have a game plan
March 29, 2007With the chance of tornadoes in town yesterday, the editor scheduled a meeting to come up with a game plan on what we here at the paper should do.
Because I had an interview scheduled at the same time, I wasn’t able to attend the meeting.
But having lived and worked through the 1979 tornado, I already know what to do.
Hug the commode.
Pray a lot.
Then head to work.
I missed the first part of the plan back in 1979 because I was at the Texas Rangers’ season opener in Arlington when the big one hit Wichita Falls.
But on that long drive back home, I did a whole of praying.
Then headed to work.
That last part is a bummer, but if you are in the newspaper business, it comes with the job.
We didn’t put out a morning paper on April 11, 1979 -- the only time that I know of in the 100-year history of the paper that we didn’t.
No electricity. No telephones. No game plan.
Thanks to Southwestern Bell, the Dallas Times Herald and a whole bunch of dedicated journalists here at the Times Record News, we did have a paper that afternoon.
Southwestern Bell rigged up one phone line here at the paper so that we could have contact with the outside world.
Although an angry managing editor slammed down that phone to bitch out a reporter that afternoon, the phone company was nice enough to fix it again.
We reporters banged stories on standard typewriters and dictated them over the phone to people at the Times Herald.
The Times Herald also sent writers and photographers up here to help cover the big story.
My small part in all of that was to cover what had happened at the National Guard Armory the night before. It served as a storm shelter for a lot of lucky people.
That same managing editor who angrily hung up our only workable telephone during the crisis had come in earlier that day and declared that it would take our city at least 25 years to recover from this disaster.
It only took a year or so before we were up and running again.
Continue reading "If a tornado hits, I have a game plan"
Posted by at 7:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Is idiocy a requirement for vice presidents?
March 28, 2007As goofy as our current president is -- it could always be worse.
We could have the vice president running the show.
For the most part, vice presidents are idiots.
Dan Quayle couldn’t spell potato.
Al Gore invented the Internet.
Dick Cheney shot his hunting buddy.
The United States has had 46 vice presidents.
Only 15 of those ever became president.
Five of those were never elected into the oval office but got there only because the president didn’t’ finish a four-year term.
The reason that only 10 vice presidents have ever been elected president is because once the country gets to see one of these idiots in action for four years, we decide we sure don’t want him running the show.
One of the 10 who was elected -- Richard Nixon -- lost one election and had to wait eight years to get in. That gave us a lot of time to forget what a dope he really was.
Vice presidents should show up at dinners and funerals that the president doesn’t want to go to. He can preside over the Senate but for the most part just sits there and looks stupid. Thank God he can only vote in case of a tie.
“24� is now showing us just how dangerous it could be having a vice president making big decisions.
With President Palmer in an induced a coma, Vice President Daniels is in charge and seems intent on starting World War III.
Continue reading "Is idiocy a requirement for vice presidents?"
Posted by at 8:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Town gossip strikes again
March 27, 2007An open letter to the town gossip of Hooterville Falls:
As of 8:20 a.m. CDT today, March 27, 2007. neither I nor Carroll Wilson has been fired by the Times Record News.
So quit telling everyone that we have.
I am not going to call you by name.
You know who you are.
Heck, everyone knows who you are.
I used the phrase “town gossip� at lunch Monday, and every person in the joint called out your name.
You’ve got quite a reputation, my dear.
But I guess the gossip about me being fired is much better than spreading around a lie that I had at gerbilostophy.
Continue reading "Town gossip strikes again"
Posted by at 8:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Remembering the 50's in Hooterville Falls
March 26, 2007“Seventy years are given to us.
Some even live to 80.
But even the best years are filled with pain and trouble;
Soon they disappear, and we fly away.�
That was the way Moses looked at life in the 10th verse of Psalm 90.
The best years of my life were the 50’s.
I was only 3 when the decade began and 13 when it ended.
But those 10 years brought us TV, rock and roll and Marilyn Monroe.
And a “letter to the editor� from Jerry Self last week reminded me of all the fun times guys like me and him had growing up in HootervilleFalls in the 50’s.
Self’s list of memories were:
Junior high school: It’s hard to describe what a rivalry Reagan vs. Zundy was back then. I am 60 years old and I still hate the Zundy bums.
M.B. Corral: Little Richard, Jerry Lee Lewis, Fats Domino --- and yes, even Elvis -- played in that old building. But my best M.B. memory was still Bob Wills.
Elvis in concert: I missed it and don’t know how.
Wichita Falls Boys Club: Monk Barnett; swimming nekid and wearing that card around your neck at all times.
Weeks Park Golf Course. I didn’t play golf back then, but I remember those dances in the clubhouse. We called it the Shack.
KMA Ditch: I wonder whatever happened to Beatrice Trevino.
Westmoreland Swimming Pool: Shirley Bates in a bathing suit.
Sand Beach Swimming Pool: That cool slide.
The WFHS Coyotes. In the 50’s, it was the WFSH Coyotes. Two state championship football teams and a lifetime of memories from Coyote Canyon. Oh, yeah, the WFSH was changed to WFHS after I graduated so the high school wasn’t confused with the state hospital that had the same initials.
Fillmore Hill. I found my thrill. . .
The Auditorium Hill. Sliding down it in a cardboard box was our hometown version of the Winter Olympics.
Continue reading "Remembering the 50's in Hooterville Falls"
Posted by at 9:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Hooterville Falls not just a 'fast food' town
March 23, 2007Chef’s Table went belly-up this week.
Surprise, surprise, surprise!
The restaurant on Maplewood was open about a year and a half.
I never went there.
A buddy ate there right after it opened and told me it was way overpriced.
Having grown up in Hooterville Falls, I understand that “overpriced� here often means more than five bucks.
But from what my friend said, Chef’s Table was just a plain and simple rip-off.
Not a smart idea when you’re located on the same side of the street as a Pioneer. And really two Pioneers, when you throw in Fat’s steakhouse.
But the owner didn’t’ blame location or high prices on his failure.
Instead, he criticized Hooterville Falls for being a “fast-food supporting town.�
Every town in America is a “fast food supporting town.�
That’s why there’s a McDonald’s and a Taco Bell on every street corner.
But if you have good food at fair prices and friendly service -- there’s a good chance you will make it here in Hooterville.
Just look at Casa Manana.
This family-owned Mexican restaurant has had the worst location in town for more than 50 years.
But it’s still going strong.
And P-3.
Here’s a restaurant that has two or three tables in its non-smoking section and provides a smoking section for 90 percent of its customers.
They haven’t changed the seat cushions in their booths since the Eisenhower administration -- although they do turn them over every couple of years.
But the famous enchiladas with French fries on one side and cole slaw on the other are the best.
And the chicken fried steak is great.
And it’s surrounded by little beer joints and located right up the road from a bunch of salvage yards and a peep show.
Bar-L:
Barbecue, Humphrey burgers and chicken livers.
And cold red draws to wash it down.
Location: Across the street from the mission.
Branding Iron.
They close after lunch every week day and about 8 p.m. on Friday and Saturday.
But right before they open up each day, there’s a line waiting outside.
Great barbecue will do that.
Parking stinks and the location is next door to Tommy’s House of Music. And surrounded by a bunch of hole-in-the-wall beer joints.
Luby’s Cafeteria.
I have been to a lot of cafeterias, and our hometown one is as good as it gets.
A quality meal every time and a wide range of selections.
Continue reading "Hooterville Falls not just a 'fast food' town"
Posted by at 8:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Dancing for Dannielynn
March 22, 2007I stayed away from “Dancing with the Stars� for as long as I could.
Dancing just never has been my thing -- other than maybe table dancing or lap dancing.
And I really had better things to do with my evenings than watch Jerry Springer do the cha-cha-cha.
But last November I just had to tune in for the final dance.
I covered all of Emmitt Smith’s 13 seasons with the Dallas Cowboys. I watched him win three Super Bowls. I just had to watch him win a dancing championship.
If Heather Mills or Apollo Ohno advance very far, I might have to watch a bit of this season’s show, but as of right now, I have better things to do with my time.
Like drink beer and play poker or read “War and Peace.�
But I have an idea that might make “Dancing with the Stars� much more interesting.
It is called “Dancing for Dannielynn.�
The contestants would be all the guys who claim to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby girl and -- for the sake of avoiding sexual discrimination -- we would let Grandma Virgie shake a stubby leg, too.
Anna Nicole started her career as a dancer. Maybe tubby mommy has a shot.
Continue reading "Dancing for Dannielynn"
Posted by at 8:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
First Lady stabs President; No big deal on '24'
March 21, 2007I know it has been a busy day for Jack Bauer.
After all, he has had to kill a lot of guys - including biting into a terrorist’s jugular and later shooting his good buddy Curtis.
He has tortured his own brother and been tortured.
His daddy held a gun to his head.
And now he finds out his No. 1 squeeze has been murdered by the Chinese, setting up a Season 7 in which Jack declares war on China. (That should help Fox’s ratings war with NBC and the Beijing Olympics).
And from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. this week, Jack - despite floating rib fragments and internal bleeding in his chest -- diverted a nuclear weapon-armed drone away from San Francisco at the very last second.
The President of the United States is still in a coma.
A goofy VP is intent on nuking the Mideast.
And there are still dead Russians lying on the lawn of the Russian Consulate after an U.S. invasion between 6 and 7 p.m.
But what about Charles and Martha?
The former First Lady stabs the former President with a kitchen knife.
He is rushed to the hospital in an ambulance.
She is taken away in handcuffs.
Isn’t that a pretty big story?
Wouldn’t CNN and Fox and all the other 24-hour news channels drop Anna Nicole for at least a minute or two to cover such a story?
Wouldn’t Greta at least leave quit her search for Natalee Holloway in Aruba?
Continue reading "First Lady stabs President; No big deal on '24'"
Posted by at 8:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
No lions, tigers or bears -- oh, my
March 20, 2007The “Greatest Show on Earth� is no longer the greatest show on earth.
Heck, it’s not even the “Goodest Show on Earth.�
In fact, it pretty much sucks.
So I guess P.T. Barnum -- the guy who started it all 135 years ago -- was right.
There really is a sucker born every minute.
I know.
I am one.
But I wasn’t sucker enough to buy $37 circus tickets like some people did.
No, I won four “free� tickets in an office racket.
Notice I said “free.�
The quotation marks are there for a reason.
I was 23 bucks in the hole before I ever got to my seat.
You see, I am not really one of those suckers old P.T. was talking about.
Guys like me -- who are raised in a pool hall -- aren’t easily hustled or conned.
But I am a sucker for my grandson.
I promised Nicholas that I would buy him a toy at the circus.
I didn’t realize it would be the official “Elephant Streamers Spinning Light.�
Goodbye 20 bucks.
And then my wife just had to have a candy apple.
Three more dollars disappear from my billfold.
And before the day was over, I spent another six bucks on some stale popcorn.
So by the end of the day, “free� had turned into a minus-29 in the dollar department.
But look at it this way. I am still eight bucks ahead of the guy in the $37 seat.
You would think for that kind of money, we would at least see a tiger.
Continue reading "No lions, tigers or bears -- oh, my"
Posted by at 9:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
This preacher has guts
March 19, 2007Most of the time when I get an e-mail asking me to forward it on to all the people in my address book, I usually forward it on to the delete file.
And wonder how it ever got past the junk e-mail file with all the stuff from China.
But this e-mail caught my attention, and I think it is worth passing on.
It is a prayer said by Minister Joe Wright at the opening session of the Kansas City.
If the senators expected, “thank you for the birds that sing, thank you God for everything. Amen,� they were in for quite a surprise.
You may not agree with everything in the prayer -- many Christians voted for Bush only because he said he was against abortion and gay marriage. (And really did nothing to stop either one)
But there is still a lot of truth in this preacher’s prayer.
So, here it is:
"Heavenly Father,
We come before you today
To ask your forgiveness and
To seek your direction and guidance.
We know Your Word says,
"Woe to those who call evil good"
But that is exactly what we have done.
We have lost our spiritual equilibrium
And reversed our values.
We have exploited the poor and
Called it the lottery.
We have rewarded laziness
And called it welfare
We have killed our unborn and called it choice.
We have shot abortionists
And called it justifiable.
We have neglected to discipline
Our children and called it
Building self esteem.
> We have abused power
And called it politics.
We have coveted our neighbor's
Possessions and called it ambition.
> We have polluted the air
With profanity and
Pornography and called it
Freedom of speech and expression.
>
> We have ridiculed the time
Honored values of our
Forefathers and called it enlightenment.
> Search us, Oh, God,
And know our hearts today;
Cleanse us from every sin
And set us free.
Amen!"
Continue reading "This preacher has guts"
Posted by at 8:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Just five numbers short of $370 million
March 7, 2007 I didn’t win the lottery last night.
If I had, I doubt that you would be reading this right now.
I would first hire the Mormon Tabernacle Choir to stand in front of my boss’ office and sing “Take this Job and Shove it.�
Then a giant balloon resembling a bare butt would fly over this office with
“Kiss� on one cheek
and “This� on the other one.
Nah, I wouldn’t do that.
I love my job.
And before I hired the choir and the balloon, I most certainly would first double check the lottery numbers printed in the Times Record (News?).
Can you imagine while the Mormon Tabernacle Choir is singing, you find out that the paper’s copy desk mistakenly ran the wrong numbers?
Hey, it could happen. Believe me.
So, maybe I did win. Hold on a minute and let me check on-line.
Continue reading "Just five numbers short of $370 million"
Posted by at 8:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Watch out for flying mud
March 6, 2007John Edwards has been called a “faggot� by Ann Coulter.
A slip of right-wing tongues has often mistaken Obama as Osama.
And it won’t be long before we star seeing more and more of Hillary’s nerdy college photos and hear more and more worthless Whitewater BS.
There will be a lot of mud slung between now and November 2008.
Nobody slings better than the Republicans.
And they are really good at it.
They sold us John Kerry as a traitor and George Bush as a hero in 2004.
Many bought that lie and have been paying a hefty price for it ever since.
But nobody knew more about Republican mud-slinging than Thomas Eagleton.
Eagleton -- who died on Sunday -- will not be remembered for the 18 years he served in the Senate.
He won’t be remembered for being instrumental in the passage of the Clear Air Act and Clean Water.
No will he even be remembered for sponsoring an amendment that stopped the bombing in Cambodia and eventually ended American involvement in the Vietnam War.
No, Thomas Eagleton -- thanks to really good mud slinging -- will always be the “nut� that George McGovern chose as his running mate in 1972.
Eagleton had bouts with depression and between 1960 and 1966, he checked himself into the hospital three times for physical and nervous exhaustion. Twice he received electric shock treatments -- used as psychiatric treatments in those days.
Eagleton made a mistake by thinking he could hide his past from McGovern and the nation.
Remember this was the same year that Tricky Dicky and his buddies were burglarizing Democratic headquarters at the Watergate?
Continue reading "Watch out for flying mud"
Posted by at 8:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Warning: You may want to wait until you get home to read this
March 5, 2007A buddy of mine told me his girlfriend no longer reads by blogs at work.
She still reads them at home, but not on the job.
She says they have too much sex in them.
“Nick is a dirty old man,� she told him.
I confess.
But I have not always been a dirty old man.
Not all that long ago, I was a dirty young man.
The first 16 years of my life were all about imagination.
Pretty normal for most of us Baby Boomer boys.
There’s not too much we wouldn’t do to just get a glimpse of a nekid woman.
Then finally on Halloween 1957, it happened.
A bunch of his guys talked this girl named Sandra to show all.
She was dressed as a ballerina and we told her all she had to do was pull down those leotards and she could have a boatload of candy.
Sandra ate free Tootsie Rolls for months.
But we boys had a memory that has lasted a lifetime.
Continue reading "Warning: You may want to wait until you get home to read this"
Posted by at 8:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Blessed are the peacemakers
March 2, 2007Although I’m just the “sports guy� around here, I do have strong political opinions.
Bush sucks.
War stinks.
I’m a Democrat.
Many of my friends now think I’m a kook.
They liked me more when I used to think like them.
And now that I wised up, all they want to do is argue.
Just this week, two guys jumped all over me when I said that I thought George W. is the worst president in my lifetime.
He got us into a war we can’t win and don’t know how to get out of.
Every day he’s in the White House just makes Jimmy Carter look better.
All of a sudden the guy I’m eating lunch with turns into George Patton.
By the time he’s finished ranting and raving, I felt like just saluting and walking away.
Continue reading "Blessed are the peacemakers"
Posted by at 8:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Speech police on the beat in California
March 1, 2007Never in my 60 years of walking this earth have I ever said:
“That’s so gay.�
I don’t even say “gay� with the exception of at Christmas time when I sometimes sing:
“Don we now our gay apparel.�
I have never sung those words with the intention of putting on a dress and high heels.
“Gay,� back in the 16th century, simply meant: fine or showy or brilliant in colors.
Webster’s original main definition for “gay� was:
“Merry, airy, jovial, sportive, frolicsome.
“Belinda smiled and all the world was gay.�
Take that one sentence from an 1828 dictionary and apply it to the world today and what do you get?
This transvestite named Belinda is trying to turn everybody into homosexuals.
My point here is that this high school in Santa Rosa, Calif., is so off base in disciplining a girl for saying: “That’s so gay.�
Continue reading "Speech police on the beat in California"
Posted by at 8:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Why did February get short-changed?
February 28, 2007Today is the last day of the month.
Why?
Why isn’t Friday or Saturday the last day?
Why does February have just 28 days?
From the way I understand it, if things had gone as planned, tomorrow would have been the last day of February.
And that day, Feb. 29, would have been New Year’s Eve.
The original Roman calendar only had 10 months and 304 days.
Since a moon’s month is 29 1/2 days long and a sun’s year is 365 1/4 days long, the 10-month year just didn’t work.
Plus, everybody who bought a Hooter’s calendar got shortchanged four hooters.
So Julius Caesar -- years before he had a salad and a casino named after him -- came up with a calendar named after him.
The Julian Calendar added January and February at the end of the year with February getting 29 days.
If Julius had his way, tomorrow would be New Year’s Eve.
And we would be watching a lot of college football bowl games on March 1, which would really be confusing since March Madness is all about college basketball.
Well, Julius died and Augustus Caesar took over.
Augustus looked at his calendar and saw where July (the month named for Julius) had 31 days and August (the month named for him) had only 30.
That pissed off Augustus.
It wasn’t enough that he had a month and a lot of fried pies named after him, he wanted his month to have just as many days as Julius’ month.
So Augustus took one month away from February and added it to August.
Then later on somebody figured out that New Year’s Day should fall exactly one week after Christmas Day. And February was moved from the last month of the year to the second month of the year.
Now there has been talk of dumping our current calendar and coming up with a 13-month calendar in which every month has 28 days.
That idea stinks mainly because that only adds up to 364 days.
And then what if your birthday was on the 29th or the 30th or the 31st day of the month on our current calendar?
It just gets wiped off the calendar.
The bad part of February having just 28 days is that all of your monthly bills show up in the mail box a whole lot quicker than they do the rest of the year.
So who were some of the most famous people born on this day?
Continue reading "Why did February get short-changed?"
Posted by at 8:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
The Departed -- a "best picture" I really liked
February 26, 2007Sorry about the lateness of this blog, but a computer virus ate my homework.
I didn’t watch any of the Oscars last night.
No pre-Oscars and no post-Oscars.
I really don’t care what kind of underwear any of the stars were wearing.
The only real part of the Oscars that I like is the “dead people� tribute.
We lost some great ones last year -- Don Knotts, without doubt, the biggest.
“The Ghost and Mr. Chicken�
“The Incredible Mr. Limpet.�
“The Shakiest Gun in the West.�
Hey, the Academy could have given old Barney an Oscar for any of those.
Btu Rex Harrison in My Fair Lady beat Mr. Chicken; Paul Scofield in A Man For All Seasons beat Mr. Limpet and Cliff Robertson in Charly beat old Shaky to the draw.
So as brilliant of actor as he was, Don Knotts went to his grave Oscar-less.
He had to die to even be recognized on Oscar night.
I did come here to bitch.
I came here to praise the voters for not screwing up like they usually do.
“Crash?� Give me a break.
“Shakespeare In Love?� I’d rather see him in heat.
“The English Patient?� Gag.
But this year they got it right -- sorta.
I would have voted for Little Miss Sunshine, but The Departed was one heckuva flick.
Continue reading "The Departed -- a "best picture" I really liked"
Posted by at 3:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
The things you can learn on a bathroom wall
February 23, 2007All of my life I have been going to the bathroom and all my life, guys have been writing nasty stuff on bathroom walls.
My first encounter with the f-word was on the wall of the boys’ bathroom at Austin Elementary School.
I can understand why little boys in grade schools write such things.
First of all, we are in school where you are made to bring pencils and pens.
And second, all of these bad words are new to you. You don’t even know what some of them mean, but writing them on the wall is cool.
And cool is important to a little kid.
Most of those little boys grow up.
But some never do.
That’s evident on bathroom walls all over America.
This is not Shakespeare on these walls either.
“Want you bleep bleeped? Call 691-6969.�
You get a lot of that in bar bathrooms.
Some guys like to draw pictures of all kinds of private body parts on the walls.
A few are even pretty good, but it makes you wonder.
How much time did this guy spend in this stinky, nasty place to draw all that?
The best work is at gas stations and convenience stores along major highways.
But it’s not just gas stations and bars that you find such prose and art.
The bookstore in our mall used to be a place where these great writers and painters gathered.
It got so bad that they had to sandblast the wall above the urinal.
I personally have never written or drawn nasty things on a bathroom wall.
But, remember, I have my own blog to do that.
Continue reading "The things you can learn on a bathroom wall"
Posted by at 8:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
"Texas-Style Banking?" Be careful what you ask for
February 22, 2007The 5-column ad on page 3A of our Wednesday paper read:
“Want Banking ‘Texas-Style?’ Come See Us.�
It was an ad for Fidelity Bank.
Then sometime after lunch that same day, a man came and saw them.
He left them with a bag full of money and hasn’t been since.
The moral of this story: Be careful what you ask for.
“Texas-Style� Banking doesn’t just mean saying “Howdy partner� and “Thank you, mamn.�
Jesse James and his brother Frank banked “Texas-Style.�
So did Bonnie and Clyde.
But I thought bank robbing went out with Patty Hearst and her Symbionese Liberation Army friends.
In this computer-age, crooks have better, more easier, ways to steal -- like identity theft.
Guys like John Dillinger and Pretty Boy Floyd would have a hard time making a living robbing banks in this 21st Century.
A couple of nuts in California found that out a few years ago when they walked into the Bank of America in North Hollywood.
Armed with AK-47 rifles, they pulled a Dog Day Afternoon, taking hostages inside the bank.
They later got into a shootout with the police.
One committed suicide. The other died with 29 bullet holes in him.
Our Fidelity Bank guy just walked away.
Continue reading ""Texas-Style Banking?" Be careful what you ask for"
Posted by at 8:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Stretch Cunningham now Daddy Dearest on "24"
February 21, 2007Don’t expect Phillip Bauer to get any votes for “father of the year.�
First off, he murders his son Graem with a full dose of hyoscine-penothal.
Then he takes his grandson Josh hostage and threatens to kill him if his daughter-in-law (dead son’s wife Marilyn) doesn’t lead his second son to a house in which a bomb has been planted that will soon explode and blow up Jack Bauer.
That means no Father’s Day card for Daddy Dearest next June.
In the first 10 hours of the sixth season of “24,� Phillip Bauer has quickly become the most intriguing character.
Daddy Dearest is played by actor James Cromwell, whom we first met as Stretch Cunningham in “All in the Family.� He was also the nerdy father in “Revenge of the Nerds,� the warden in the remake of “The Longest Yard� and a regular in the final couple of years of “Six Feet Under.�
He got an Oscar nomination for his role of a farmer in the movie “Babe,� which I did not see and also had a role in several Star Treks, which I also never watched.
But I have watched the last 10 hours of “24,� including this week when Daddy Dearest tried to kill his terrorism-fighting son Jack.
But Jack escapes his trap.
To quote the great Gomer Pyle, “Surprise, surprise.�
The show is called “24,� not “10.�
What would the final 14 hours of the day be like with no Jack Bauer?
When Daddy Dearest learns that Jack has escaped, he orders his henchmen to kill his daughter-in-law.
Where was Grandpa Phillip in episodes 1 and 2 when we had to put up with Jack’s stupid daughter, Kim?
Jack saves his sister-in-law with a couple of well-placed bullets into the heads of a couple of henchmen.
Then he offers himself as a hostage replacement for his nephew.
The kids gets away and now we have Uncle Jack on his knees with Daddy Dearest pointing a gun at his head.
Jack apologizes for only giving him a cheap pair of socks for Christmas and not spending enough time fishing with his brother.
During the apology, Daddy splits.
But he leaves a cell phone with a number for Jack to call.
Continue reading "Stretch Cunningham now Daddy Dearest on "24""
Posted by at 8:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Come on, C.W., close Carl's Jr.
February 20, 2007My editor, Carroll Wilson, has gained the reputation as a “restaurant murderer.�
He supposedly kicked the living chalupa out of Ruby Tequila and is now out to slam the door on one Taco Bell location.
So, C.W., while you are at it, would you please stick a knife in Carl’s Jr?
My mama and daddy were slaves of the restaurant business and my daughter worked for 11 years in fast food -- so I have more of an understanding for people in this profession than most of you.
My friends even say that I have a thing for waitresses. Can’t argue with that.
I can take a little incompetence or even a little lack of courtesy because these are not fun jobs and the pay really sucks.
But it just went too far at Carl’s Jr. on Sunday.
I was really hungry for biscuits and gravy, and Carl makes really good ones.
So the wife and I drove down to the 14th-Broad location to eat breakfast.
This Carl’s Jr is located right next to the bus station. A bus passing through town had just unloaded and provided Carl with a lot of business.
But I wanted those biscuits and gravy and decided to wait it out.
We drank hot water disguised as coffee and waited it out.
And we waited.
And we waited.
And we waited.
That first bus was probably passing through Henrietta when I finally started getting really pissed.
Other people who had come in and ordered food long after we had were being served.
And we waited.
Finally, I went to the counter and asked to speak to Carl Sr.
The kid working there didn’t get it, so I told him I had sat there and watched two buses go through and now all I wanted was my money back.
Continue reading "Come on, C.W., close Carl's Jr."
Posted by at 8:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Zsa Zsa and her 'prince:' A fairy tale story
February 16, 2007Zsa Zsa Gabor had an acting career that spanned 44 years.
Name one movie she was in.
And while, you’re at it, name one TV show she was in (guest appearances with Johnny Carson not accepted).
If any of you are thinking “Green Acres� as an answer to part two of my question, forget it.
That was Zsa Zsa’s younger sister Eva.
The truth is Zsa Zsa made a living being Zsa Zsa.
Had her name been Myrtle Gabor, you might not have ever heard of her.
At one time, though, she was beautiful.
But still, he was better known for being goofy.
He has been married nine times -- although once when she was married to two men at the same time.
Her most famous husbands was No. 2 Conrad Hilton, the hotel dude, and No. George Sanders, the actor.
And of course her current hubby, Frederick Prinz von Anhalt, is now in the news after being one of six men claiming to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby girl.
Zsa Zsa is best known for her many Carson appearances.
The most famous of those appearances didn’t ever happen. But it became urban legend.
I’m not going to go into detail about the “pet my pussy� story, but if you want to know more, check out http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/zsazsa.asp
Zsa Zsa’s second most famous moment came when she slapped a Beverly Hills Cop back in 1989 after being stopped for a traffic violation.
After being sentenced to three days in jail, she claimed that she did not get a fair trial with a jury of her peers.
“It was not my class of people,� she said.
Continue reading "Zsa Zsa and her 'prince:' A fairy tale story"
Posted by at 8:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Hooters finally coming to Hooterville Falls
February 15, 2007If you can really believe everything you read in our paper, Hooterville Falls will soon have its very own Hooters.
They said it couldn’t happen:
“Those Baptists won’t stand for it.�
“The feminists will protest it.?�
“Hooterville doesn’t have enough hot chicks with hooters.�
“Decatur will get a Hooters before we do.�
Well, I’m officially a Baptist and I love Hooters.
I am not a feminist, nor never will be.
I bet our Hooterville chicks are as hot and hooterful as the girls of Odessa.
Decatur has a Dairy Queen and a Jack in the Box. We have a Hooters. We win
Better get in line, though.
I’m betting there will be a long, long wait to get in our Hooters once it opens -- even though it is going in on the north side of town.
The bet here is within a year of the opening of Hooters in Hooterville Falls, there will be announcing a second location.
The southwest part of town, of course, is prime real estate, but I would like to see a Hooters somewhere close to the KYC.
I love the West End Hooters in Dallas that shuttles you back and forth to the American Airlines Center for Stars and Mavericks games.
Continue reading "Hooters finally coming to Hooterville Falls"
Posted by at 8:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Love is in the air; or is that just smog?
February 14, 2007Not long after my daughter joined the “boyfriend a day� club in junior high school, she asked me “what is love?�
That’s about like asking Sonny Bono how to ski.
Or Wiley Post how to fly.
I was an “official� three-time loser at the time -- and that’s just counting three marriages.
I had “loved� and lost several other times that weren’t “official.�
But I gave her my answer this way.
“Imagine if someone had a gun pointed at you and your boyfriend/husband. He tells you he only has one bullet and lets you decide who gets shot. If you say “shoot me,� that’s love.�
For the first 53 years of my life, it would have been an easy choice for me.
“Shoot her.�
(And there were a few times, I might have even said: “Let me shoot her.�)
Today, I can honestly say I love my wife.
But I can also probably honestly say I didn’t love her when I married her.
I think you have to really get to know someone and experience the ups and downs of life and a relationship to “fall in love.�
Everything before that is just infatuation or fake love.
I met my wife Jenee’ 34 years ago.
We were both students at Midwestern.
I was 26 and just divorced from my first marriage.
She was 18 and just out of high school.
Not long into the relationship, she asked me to tell her I love her.
I couldn’t.
So she said “get lost.�
Soon after that, she married someone she didn’t love.
Then on Jan. 14, 2000, we found each other again.
Both of us had gone through some really rocky relationships.
But if I had told her “I love you� way back then, we wouldn’t have worked.
And although I have now admitted to you that I didn’t love her when I married her, I did want to fall in love with her.
And I did.
Today, she is my soulmate.
I think I finally got it right.
But as my Valentine’s gift to all the others, this song is for you:
Continue reading "Love is in the air; or is that just smog?"
Posted by at 9:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Why can't I have a concubine?
February 13, 2007When I was a kid, nobody except us kids ever talked about sex.
It was hush-hush at home.
It was hush-hush in school.
And it was most certainly hush-hush in church.
The preacher not only didn’t talk about sex, he probably never had sex.
And if he did, he wore a suit and tie while doing it.
But all of us kids knew the rules.
It was Thou Shalt Not Do It.
So it was kinda strange last Sunday when my preacher started talking about sex from the pulpit.
About time.
I am 60 years old.
But the rules haven’t changed.
It’s still: Thou Shalt Not Do It.
Sorry, Tim, but I broke that commandment 43 years ago.
Shattered it in fact.
But, preacher man, I have never coveted my neighbor’s ox.
So give me a break.
I’m sure abstinence was much easier in the days of Queen Victoria than it is now in the days of Victoria’s Secret.
Even here in the center of the Bible Belt, our mall is a sea of cleavage and butt.
But the preacher is right.
Sex should be something that is saved for marriage.
Make love, not whoopee.
Still, I have one big question.
If God really believes that, what’s with all those concubines in the Old Testament?
The simple definition of concubine is “a woman living with a man whom she is not legally married to.�
Continue reading "Why can't I have a concubine?"
Posted by at 8:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
The golden oldie Grammys
February 12, 2007I didn’t watch the Grammys last night.
That’s 47 in a row I have now missed.
It’s not that I don’t love music, it’s just that I don’t know the songs or the singers or the bands anymore.
Sorry, but I wouldn’t walk across the street to see Justin Timberlake.
Never heard of the Flaming Lips or the Artic Monkeys.
Ludacris? No.
Busta Rhymes? Nada.
I do admit the Dixie Chicks have come a long way.
It hasn’t been that long ago that they were singing for small change down at Little Brothers on 15th and Lamar.
And I was in Vegas once when they gave a free downtown concert on Fremont Street.
I promised I would never be my Dad -- so I have nothing bad to say against any of today’s music stars. And I won’t criticize any of you for liking them.
It’s just that I’m a golden oldies type of guy. In my opinion, the best music was between 1955 and 1975.
So today, I am going to give you Nicky’s Grammys -- my personal best in those golden years.
The nominees are for best rock group are:
1. Beatles.
2. Beach Boys.
3. Eagles
4. Moody Blues
5. Rolling Stones.
And the winner is: Rolling Stones.
These guys have been going strong now five decades. And they are still good.
The nominees for best individual rock star are:
1. Cher
2. Eric Clapton
3. Bob Dylan
4. Jerry Lee Lewis
5. Elvis Presley
And the winner is: Elvis -- they don’t call him King for nothing.
Continue reading "The golden oldie Grammys"
Posted by at 8:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Anna Nicole never became "the next Marilyn"
February 9, 2007Norma Jean and Vickie Lynn did have some things in common.
They were both blondes.
They were both in movies.
They were both Playboy centerfolds.
They’re both dead.
Norma Jean Baker -- aka Marilyn Monroe -- died at age 36 of a drug overdose.
Vickie Lynn Hogan -- aka Anna Nicole Smith -- was 39 when she died yesterday. And drugs most likely had something to do with here death.
Anna Nicole, they say, always wanted to be the next Marilyn.
I don’t think she ever got there.
Oh, those 38 DD’s of hers were impressive, but they made her more like Jayne Mansfield (40D) than Marilyn (38C).
Marilyn never married an old coot with half a billion dollars in his wallet.
But Anna Nicole never married Joltin’ Joe DiMaggio.
Marilyn also never hired a lawyer/lover named Howard Stern.
What’s up with that?
And when Anna Nicole got goofy on the American Music Awards show three years ago, she drew the same kind of attention that Marilyn did with her “Happy Birthday, Mr. President� scene for JFK.
But the two things that separates Marilyn from Anna Nicole are:
Continue reading "Anna Nicole never became "the next Marilyn""
Posted by at 8:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Now on 24-hour TV: "I Love Lisa"
February 8, 2007Wednesday was a really busy sports day for me, so I didn’t watch one minute of news all day.
So tell me, how did all the networks handle second-day coverage of the strange story of Lisa Nowak?
Couldn’t find a word about it in the Times Record (News?) this morning.
My paper chose to cover “good news� stories about old women, champion steers and barbecue joints. The hot news of the day was school controversy in the metropolis of Prairie Valley.
I’m sure the networks took quite the opposite approach.
A female astronaut charged with attempted murder of another woman in a possible romantic triangle with another astronaut?
And then throw in the diapers deal and you’ve got a story made for the 24-hour news channels.
Although I didn’t see any of it, I imagine here was what Wednesday was like on the boob tube.
7 a.m.: The early morning shows are all over this.
Several astronauts are interviewed.
Neil Armstrong comes on the Today Show and tells Meredith Vierira he wears a Depend.
Buzz Aldrin admits on the Good Morning Show that he took a leak on the moon.
In an exclusive interview with Katie Couric, John Glenn says he may be 85, but he still thinks Lisa is hot. And he also tells Katie he thought her Super Bowl hair-do was sexy.
9 a.m.: Every astronaut on the Discovery STS-121 mission with Lisa Nowak and William Oefelein admit that the couple was especially close during their July space shuttle flight. They once shared some packaged spaghetti together and looked like that alley scene from Lady and the Tramp.
10 a.m.: Two teachers at C.W. Woodward High School in Rockville, Md., tell CNN that Lisa was a really smart girl, who excelled at science and math.
11 a.m.: An employee of Wal Mart in Houston tells MSNBC he remembers selling Lisa a BB gun a few days ago. He says he asked for the Red Ryder model.
Noon: Fox News finds husband Richard Nowak who admits he and his wife separated last month and he doesn’t know where his 14-year-old son and 6-year-old twin daughters are.
1 p.m.: CNN finds the three kids at Chuck E Cheese in south Houston. When interrupted from a game of skee ball, the boy says. “My mom did what?�
Continue reading " Now on 24-hour TV: "I Love Lisa""
Posted by at 9:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Wet tee shirts are cool; wet diapers aren't
February 7, 2007A jealous female astronaut and mother of three packs a BB gun, a knife, a steel mallet, some pepper spray and drives 900 miles to “talk� to a woman she thinks has a thing for a fellow astronaut.
She puts on a disguise and stalks the woman on an airport shuttle bus, follows her to her car and then begins shooting pepper spray into the car.
You might just think that Lisa Nowak wanted to be more than just friends with fellow astronaut Bill Oefelein -- the third person in this weird triangle.
But that’s just the start of this story.
The really weird part doesn’t show up until the 19th paragraph.
It is there we learn that Lisa drove the 900 miles from Houston to Orlando wearing diapers so she would not have to stop and use the bathroom.
Two of the things in life that I really try to avoid in life are:
1. Port-a-potties -- especially those in airplanes.
2. That nasty bathroom in most any Alsups -- especially the one in Decatur.
But as awful as those places are, I can’t see myself strapping on a diaper to avoid them.
I would get no satisfaction driving past the Alsups in Decatur with a wet diaper.
And there is nothing about a woman in a Depend that turns me on.
Continue reading "Wet tee shirts are cool; wet diapers aren't"
Posted by at 8:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Coming soon: Cinderella 6
February 6, 2007Cinderella 3 comes out on DVD today.
Cinderella III?
Heck, I didn’t even know there was a Cinderella 2.
Just three more movies and Cinderella will catch Rocky.
Some movies just aren’t made to have sequels.
Like “Weekend at Bernie’s.�
But the greed of Hollywood did it. Four years after making a dead Bernie the life of the party, they dug him up and made “Weekend at Bernie’s 2.�
And now they’re screwing around with Cinderella.
Bibbidi-bobbidi-boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
What could Cinderella 2 possibly be about?
Did Cinderella, after getting that royal ring on her finger, do what many women do in real life?
Turn into a bitch.
She started bitching about Prince Charming watching too much sports on TV.
She hid his remote.
She demanded they spend more time together “talking.�
Now all of a sudden, he prince is wishing Cinderella had worn a size 12D.
But if the slipper fits, you must acquit.
(OK, that makes no sense at all, but I thought it rather clever. And this is my bleeping blog.)
Prince Charming decides he’d rather be married to the wicked stepmother or even the fat dumpy fairy godmother. At least they would let him play golf and poker and watch football.
Cinderella may be a hot blonde chick, but the sex ain’t worth it.
Plus now he’s having to beg for that.
So Cinderella 2 turns into Divorce Court.
Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo-hoo
That’s how I would have written Cinderella 2.
Here’s how it really went:
Once married, Cinderella is worried that she may not be an appropriate princess when it comes to entertaining guests at the royal palace.
(Hey, girl, it’s not you have to wear those rags anymore. Just put on a royal dress, show some royal cleavage and serve a lot of high-dollar booze.)
Instead she gets help from her mice friends and her fairy godmother, and everyone lived happily ever after.
Until Cinderella 3.
Continue reading "Coming soon: Cinderella 6"
Posted by at 8:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Westboro vs. Windthorst: Now there's a real mismatch
February 2, 2007Windthorst people are about the nicest people in the world.
But you don’t want to piss them off.
Are you kooks from the Westboro Baptist Church listening to me?
Before you goofballs show up for Gary Johnston’s funeral this weekend, you might want to take a look at this paper’s outdoors page.
See what those dead deer look like?
Well, that could be you come sundown Saturday.
By early next week your head could be hanging in somebody named Schreiber’s game room.
You don’t want to mess with Windthorst.
You’ll be about as safe as a 10-point buck on a Saturday morning in November.
You just think a Perrin-Whitt vs. Windthorst football game is a mismatch.
Well, the boys from Perrin have a better shot at beating the Trojans than you weirdoes have of escaping the wrath of a bunch of pissed-off dairy farmers.
If you are real lucky, you might just be the victim of some Windthorst whoop-ass.
A few broken arms, broken legs, busted up jaws and such.
Or sorta what would happen if some strangers shouted out “Go, Chilton� at a Saturday night dance.
But check out that outdoor page before you bring your stupid protests to this brave Marine’s funeral.
It wouldn’t be a pretty sight -- your sorry ass strapped onto somebody named Berend’s pickup truck.
Remember, you have been warned.
--------------------------
Now I am repeating a blog I wrote about these people back on May 10.
------------------------------
Curiosity took me to their Web site
"Warning. Gospel Preaching Ahead" -- the large yellow sign told me.
Then there was a whole bunch of stuff about sodomites and Jesus Christ and Hell surrounded by a lot of "Thee" and "Thou" King James Bible scriptures supposedly backing it all up. I didn't bother to read it, but instead scrolled down to the bottom where I was given another warning.
"If this Gospel truth offends you, then please hit the "Back" button on your browser.
Since I am a Christian and believe in the Gospel, I instead clicked on the big ENTER button.
After all, this Web site is run by Westboro Baptist Church.
And I'm a Baptist.
What harm can it do?
Lord, I can't believe what I saw next.
Continue reading "Westboro vs. Windthorst: Now there's a real mismatch"
Posted by at 8:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
This girl had balls
February 1, 2007America -- Texas -- the journalism profession -- the human race -- lost a great on yesterday.
There’s a really good chance that many of you will disagree with that.
There was certainly more hate than there was love for Molly Ivins in our right-wing conservative neck of the woods.
Heck, my paper fired her a few years ago.
They said Molly was just “too mean� for our Hooterville Falls readers.
But in order to not seem like right-wing fundamentalists, we also fired Ann Coulter to give balance to the decision.
Instead of balance, we got boredom.
One of the big problems in the newspaper business these days is that our most loyal older readers are dying off.
So what do we do?
We kick Molly and Ann off of our editorial pages and bore everybody else to death.
I certainly didn’t agree with everything Molly Ivins wrote, but I loved her style.
The girl had balls.
Like when she said of George Dubya Bush:
"The poor man who is currently our president has reached such a point of befuddlement that he thinks stem cell research is the same as taking human lives, but that 40,000 dead Iraqi civilians are progress toward democracy,"
Or her opinion on the ultra-conservative Pat Buchanan:
“Many people did not care for Pat Buchanan’s speech. It probably sounded better in the original German.�
I agree with much of what Molly had to say about the politics and policies of George W. Bush.
But having been around his a bit when he was owner of the Texas Rangers baseball team, I did see a guy who I might enjoy sitting around drinking a beer with.
Molly also looked at Bush a bit that way when she wrote:
“Although Bush rather promptly becomes defensive and prickly when questioned, he is by and large perfectly affable. You would have to work at it to dislike him personally. On the occasions when we meet, we would "rib" one another. I personally hope the photo of me sitting on his lap at a Christmas party with him dressed as Santa has disappeared for all time.
Did you know that it is quite possible not to hate someone and at the same time notice their policies are disastrous for people in this country? Quite a thought, isn't it? Grown-ups can actually do that -- can think a policy is disastrous without hating the person behind it. Lyndon Johnson comes to mind: a great president who was disastrously wrong about Vietnam.�
Continue reading "This girl had balls"
Posted by at 8:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Goodbye, but not good riddance, to the Dallas Morning News
January 31, 2007A recent “letters to the editor� writer complained that there’s not enough News in the Times Record News.
In his opinion, we should be called the Wichita Falls Times Record.
In some ways I agree.
(See any Sunday paper for a good example).
But this guy thinks we should be the Dallas Morning News.
And that is just ridiculous.
Comparing the WF Times Record (News?) to the Dallas Morning News is just dumb.
For one thing, we here at the WFTR (N?) do not lie about our circulation numbers and cheat our advertisers out of lots of money.
OK, I got that jab in.
Now, let’s get serious.
To compare the WF Times Record (News?) to the Dallas Morning News is like comparing the MSU football team to the Dallas Cowboys.
We just play in different leagues.
When Hurricane Katrina hit, the Dallas paper sent several writers and photographers to New Orleans and they stayed a long time covering this story. They rented helicopters. They did one hell of a job.
Back here in Wichita Falls, we ran wire stories and photos.
We just don’t have the financial or personnel resources to cover big events like they do.
That in itself doesn’t make us an inferior product.
It just makes us what in this business is called a mid-sized daily paper.
At the same time, we are not the Bowie News.
And that is not a knock on that little paper.
It’s just that the Bowie News doesn’t have the resources to cover what we can cover.
We can’t cover the big story like the Dallas Morning News.
And they can’t cover Wichita Falls like we do.
Continue reading "Goodbye, but not good riddance, to the Dallas Morning News"
Posted by at 8:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
There she is, Miss America. There she is, your ideal.
January 30, 2007They crowned a new Miss America last night.
A girl from Lawton won it.
But nobody knows about it, and nobody really cares.
How serious can you get about something that is on Channel 52?
That’s a step above the NHL All-Star Game on Channel 167.
If you’re like me and didn’t know and don’t really care, Channel 52 is something called CMT.
Country Music Television.
Why is the Miss America Pageant on Country Music Television?
The winner sang a Phil Collins song -- “You’ll be in my heart.�
And it started at 10 p.m. our time -- 11 p.m. out east.
Most of the country slept right through it.
I remember when the Miss America Pageant was a big deal.
When it first came on TV back in 1954, it got 39 percent of the viewing audience tuned in.
Of course, we didn’t have 52 channels in 1954.
I think we had two -- which could mean that while 39 percent of viewers were watching Miss America, the other 61 percent were watching a test pattern.
Miss America even survived the anger of bra-burning feminists who crowned a live sheep on the Atlantic City boardwalk in a 1968 protest.
But we protested everything in 1968, didn’t we?
Continue reading "There she is, Miss America. There she is, your ideal."
Posted by at 8:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Paul Newman is 82 and I feel old
January 26, 2007Happy birthday, Fast Eddie Felson.
And Hud.
And Harper.
And Cool Hand Luke Jackson.
And Butch Cassidy.
Happy birthday to Billy the Kid
And Rocky Graziano
And Judge Roy Bean
And Buffalo Bill.
And Louisiana Governor Earl Long.
Blow out those candles -- all 82 of them.
Paul Newman -- the greatest actors of all time who played all of the above characters and a whole lot more -- is beginning his third year as an octogenarian.
At 82, he is 12 years older than old Jack Nicholson.
Damn, that makes me feel old.
Paul Newman was cool.
The girls wanted him and the guys wanted to be like him.
Some of the coolest lines in movie history belong to him.
Hud: “My mama loved me but she died.�
Cool Hand Luke: “Just calling it your job don’t make it right, boss.�
Hombre: “How you gonna get back down that hill?�
And now he’s like a great grandpa.
Been very un-Hollywood-like married to the same woman for 49 years.
But he’s still cool.
Paul Newman is not just the greatest actor of all time -- he has to be one of greatest human beings of all time.
He started his own line of salad dressing 25 years ago and has donated all of the proceeds from “Newman’s Own� to charities. That gift is now in excess of $200 million.
He co-founded the Hole in the Wall Gang, a summer camp for seriously ill children, and funds it through that business. Now some 13,000 kids a year go to the camp completely free of charge.
He was also a race car driver, who at age 70, became the oldest driver to be a part of any team in a major sanctioned race -- the 24 Hours of Daytona in 1995.
Here are a few other interesting things about Paul Newman.
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Posted by at 8:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Without sugarmama, he's just Kevin Feder-who?
January 25, 2007Since I am not an avid reader of the National Enquirer and start puking every time I hear Mary Hart on Entertainment Tonight, I had no idea who Kevin Federline was.
So when I a read a story that there was a controversy over him in an upcoming Super Bowl commercial, my first reaction was:
“Why in the hell would some insurance company pay millions of dollars to do a commercial with this Kevin Feder-Who?
I know who Kevin Costner is.
I know who Kevin Spacey.
I know who Kevin Garnett is.
I even know Kevin Mench.
But Kevin Federline? Who is he?
My Web search describes him as a dancer, model, actor, rapper and wrestler.
I don’t give a crap about dancers, models and rappers.
So what is this Kevin Feder-who's claim to fame as an actor?
Has he won any Academy Awards? Golden Globes? Emmys?
He was one of about 70 dancers in a 2004 movie called “You Got Served.�
That movie had some really big names -- like the famous J-Boog, Lil’ Fizz and Raz B.
Kevin Feder-who also once played a street hoodlum in an episode of CSI.
As a wrestler, they put him on an episode of WWE Raw last year and let him verbally and physically spar about with champion John Cena.
Damn, I missed that.
Finally, I figured it out.
Kevin Feder-who's claim to fame is he was married to Brittney Spears.
No, this wasn’t Brittney’s 55-hour husband, Kevin and Brittney were married two years, produced two kids and -- I have heard-- made one really great honeymoon video that will make Kevin lots of money after he gets shut out on the divorce settlement.
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Posted by at 8:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Sometimes I'm an Oscar grouch
January 24, 2007The Oscar nominations are out, and for the first time that I can remember, I don’t have an opinion.
For some strange reason, I have not seen any of the nominees for best picture, best actor of best actress.
Seeing “The Departed,� “Little Miss Sunshine� and Will Smith in “Pursuit of Happiness� is on my to-do list, but I just haven’t gotten around to it.
But to tell you the truth, the Academy Awards usually just piss me off.
It all started 40 years ago when they didn’t even nominate “Cool Hand Luke.�
I admit 1967 was a really good year for movies.
“Bonnie and Clyde�
“The Graduate�
“In the Heat of the Night.�
And on most years “In the Heat of the Night’ would deserve the Oscar.
But over “Cool Hand Luke� -- quite possibly THE greatest movie of all time?
I don’t think so.
Paul Newman was nominated for best actor but got beat out by Rod Steiger.
At least George Kennedy did get the supporting actor Oscar for his outstanding role as Dragline in “Cool Hand Luke�
“The English Patient� the best movie of 1996.
It might have been the worst.
And “Shakespeare in Love� over “Saving Private Ryan� two years later?
You gotta be kidding.
Last year, though, I thought they got everything right but “best picture.�
Phillip Seymour Hoffman was a great “Capote� and Reese Witherspoon wowed us as June Carter Cash in “Walk the Line.�
But if “Crash� as best picture?
Not even close.
“Cinderella Man� got the shaft.
Maybe the snobby voters didn’t want to give the honor to a boxing movie two years in a row.
Continue reading "Sometimes I'm an Oscar grouch"
Posted by at 9:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Happy birthday to you; Happy birthday to you too
January 23, 2007Today is a special day in the lives of the two women I love the most.
My wife and daughter share the same birthday.
And that can be a problem.
Since I remarried again seven years ago, we have been a family.
More like the Manson Family.
But as of late most of the pissing and moaning has ended and for the most part, we seem to all get along. Or at least act like it.
Still, when Jan. 23 rolls around each year, I get stuck in the middle.
Wife or daughter?
Jenee’ or Christy?
The electric chair or lethal injection?
It has been a tradition in my family ever since the kids were little to go out to eat on family birthdays and let the birthday boy or girl choose where we go.
That can be a problem when there are two birthday girls.
And as hard as we have all tried, this two-for-one happy birthday party idea just doesn’t seem to work.
So this year I’m going to try something different.
It may work. It may flop.
My wife and I are going to meet my daughter and her friends at Wild Wings for a few beers.
Then Jenee’ and I will leave and go to the Bar-L to eat supper and drink red draws with a couple of good friends.
If that doesn’t work, I plan to spend Jan. 23, 2008 all by myself in Switzerland.
While I’m on the subject of birthdays, check this out:
Continue reading "Happy birthday to you; Happy birthday to you too"
Posted by at 8:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
The last Papa; You probably never knew him
January 22, 2007Denny Doherty died last Friday.
No big headlines. No big deal.
Most people have never heard of him.
But they have heard this:
“All the leaves are brown and the sky is gray.
I’ve been for a walk on a winter’s day.
I’d be safe and warm if I was in L.A.
California dreamin’ on such a winter’s day.�
Denny Doherty was the Papa you probably never knew.
Yeah, you all remember the fat one (Mama Cass).
And some of you remember the unhappy mama and papa (John and Michelle Phillips.)
But Denny Doherty?
The Papa you probably never heard of.
But I’m betting you’ve heard this:
“Monday, Monday, can’t trust that day.
Monday mornin’, sometimes it just turns out that way.
Oh, Monday mornin’ you gave me no warnin’ of what was to be
Oh Monday, Monday, how could you leave and not take me.�
John Phillips was the main songwriter for the Mamas and the Papas.
He died six years ago.
Cass Elliot, the most recognizable of the foursome, died way back in 1974. The story was the fat Mama choked to death eating a ham sandwich, but the official cause of her death is listed as heart attack.
That left just Michelle Phillips and Denny Doherty.
Michelle had some kind of acting career. She was in the movie “Dillinger� and was on the cast of the TV show “Knot’s Landing.� She has also had guest appearances on “Spin City� and “Star Trek, The Next Generation,� as well as a recurring role on “7th Heaven.�
Doherty once tried to reconstruct the Mamas and the Papas with two new mamas and one new papa. But it failed.
He did produce a Broadway show -- “Dream a Little Dream,� his perspective of the Mamas and Papas -- but you probably have never heard of it.
He also did a children’s television show, “Theodore Tugboat,� which you also probably haven’t heard of.
But I’ll bet you have heard this.
“I saw her again last night
And you know that I shouldn’t.
To string her along’s just not right.
If I couldn’t, I wouldn’t.
“But what can I do. I’m lonely too.
And it makes me feel so good to know
She’ll never leave me.�
Continue reading "The last Papa; You probably never knew him"
Posted by at 8:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Our 'Idol' comes home for karaoke night
January 19, 2007Just about 10 minutes after I wrote yesterdays’ blog, I realized who Anna Kearns was.
My favorite watering hole is Buffalo Wild Wings.
She used to be a waitress there.
How can I forget a 6-4 waitress?
I’m getting old, that’s how.
A couple of days ago, Anna Kearns was just a tall waitress.
Now she is a celebrity -- at least here in Hooterville Falls.
Good for her.
After being a winner on “American Idol� Wednesday night, Anna came back for karaoke night at Wild Wings on Thursday and was signing autographs and having her picture taken with patrons at the bar.
She even got up and sang a pretty nice “Killing Me Softly.�
And to Rose O'Donnell and the Times Record News editorial writer who took such a high, moral stand against "American Idol" for humiliating poor, dumb, ugly and untalented people -- get off of it.
It's entertainment.
You've probably got a 100 or more stations to turn to -- just switch the dial and leave us sickos alone.
Changing the subject, a friend sent me an Internet joke about Hooterville Falls that is now making the email circuit.
By now you have probably seen it. It’s a take-off on Jeff Foxworthy’s “you know you’re a redneck when. . .�
You know you are from Wichita Falls when . . .
There are 30 things after that, most of them pretty stupid, but there are a few funny ones that I will share with you here.
Continue reading "Our 'Idol' comes home for karaoke night"
Posted by at 8:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Has anybody seen this 'giraffe?'
January 18, 2007Does anyone out there know Anna Kearns?
She was a contestant on “American Idol� last night, who, before her audition, said he was a waitress from Wichita Falls, Texas.
One Website (Reality TV Magazine) says she is from Wichita, Kansas, but we here in the Falls know about all that confusion.
A lot of airport baggage headed for Wichita Falls has ended up in Kansas.
And one president -- I believe FDR -- while on a campaign whistle-stop train tour came here and told everyone how happy he was “to be in Wichita, Kansas.�
Anyhow, I watched Idol last night and heard with my own ears Anna Kearns say she was from Wichita Falls, Texas.
The 20-year-old also said she had been in the Air Force for awhile but was discharged early because of a bad heart.
Now do you know her?
Continue reading "Has anybody seen this 'giraffe?'"
Posted by at 7:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
I lost my virginity on 'American Idol'
January 17, 2007It took me six years to give in, but I finally did.
(Please someone hum “America, America, God shed his grace on thee� a few times while I make this announcement.)
I am now a true red-white-and-blue American.
Together we stand -- I and all my brothers and sisters of all races and religions
Oh say, can we see.
From sea to shining sea.
Those purple majesties.
“OK,� you’re saying, “Cut the crap.�
“You’re too old to join the Army.
“You’re too broke to buy bonds.
“So, Nicky G, why are you sounding like Uncle Sam this morning?�
Because I lost my “American Idol� cherry last night.
I actually tuned in to the show that everyone else in America is watching.
“American Idol� seems to be a cross between professional wrestling and Jerry Springer.
You know it’s got to be mostly fake, but is just maybe a teeny weeny bit of it real?
Why in the world would you let some black guy dress up like Apollo Creed in “Rocky 4� and then come out and sing an Italian opera?
Or how about the guy who bought a cowboy hat in the toy department at Wal Mart and now thinks he’s Johnny Cash?
“I see that train a’coming. It’s coming round the bend.�
Continue reading "I lost my virginity on 'American Idol'"
Posted by at 9:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
"24" is back; our world is a better place
January 16, 2007After watching the first four hours of “24,� I have several questions.
(1.) How did Wayne Palmer get elected president?
Must have been the sympathy vote. Everybody loved his brother, David, and hated his weasel successor, Charles Logan.
But how smart is little brother?
First, he makes an agreement to give the Chinese a whole bunch of egg rolls to release Jack Bauer just so he can turn Jack over to a Muslim terrorist in order to kill another Muslim terrorist.
And then we learn that he is dealing with the wrong terrorist. When Jack tells him he screwed up, little brother Palmer ignores him and goes ahead with his plans to kill the wrong terrorist.
Then we learn the new president still has a screwy sister who he has appointed to run something called the Islamic American Alliance.
(2.) Jack kills Curtis to save a terrorist?
Yep, just when you think Jack may have turned into a big wussy, he shoots his good friend in the throat to save Hamri Al-Assad who, when he was the bad guy, beheaded a couple of Curtis’ Army buddies.
That may win Jack some new Islamic friends, but he’s not going to be popular guy with Jesse Jackson.
Continue reading ""24" is back; our world is a better place"
Posted by at 9:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Double your trouble, double your 'fun,' but live a happier life
January 11, 2007Remember two days ago when I was moaning about dealing with an insurance company.
Well, multiply that by 2.
Some woman runs into wife and totals her pickup back on Dec. 29.
Twelve days later, a guy runs a red light and wrecks me and my little red Mustang.
I spent last night, filing a claim on the phone with his insurance company while nurses and doctors in the hospital emergency room picked glass out of my head.
So today, we have one car at Big Daddy’s and a truck being assessed over at Gilmore’s.
But , instead of bitching about all that, I am going to take quite the opposite approach in this blog.
I want to share with you something I read this morning -- a list of 10 rules for happier living.
Continue reading "Double your trouble, double your 'fun,' but live a happier life"
Posted by at 8:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
The iPhonemate coming soon to a store near you
January 10, 2007My wife bought me an MP3 a few years ago.
I didn’t know what it is.
She gave it to somebody else.
I don’t know what an iPod is.
Don’t want to know.
And now we are getting the iPhone.
The geeks are getting off on this latest tech toy.
I would like to tell you what an iPhone is, but I don’t speak the same language as these people.
May you can figure out this explanation I found today.
“An all-new interface makes this slim rectangle completely button-free. The whole thing is a touchscreen. 4GB or 8GB of storage inside for your music. Cingular EDGE (no 3G service!) for your phone calls. Wi-Fi. It actually runs Apple’s OS X and can do all manner of “smart phone� tasks...which is either going to be very cool or extreme overkill for people who just wanted a phone that could also play music. How long will it be before we start getting emails with a “Sent from my Apple iPhone� tag at the bottom of them? (Yahoo! Mail is included on the device, by the way, along with all manner of internet capabilities.)
“Other features include a 2-megapixel camera and a standard iPod jack. It’s also crazy slim at under 12mm in thickness. Wanna watch a movie? Just flip it on its side and you have a nice widescreen display. No keyboard: A virtual one pops up when you need it. We’ll see how well that works over time.�
Continue reading "The iPhonemate coming soon to a store near you"
Posted by at 8:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Don't try to hustle a hustler
January 9, 2007There’s an old saying we used to hear around the pool hall.
“Don’t try to hustle a hustler.�
For that reason, I have lived most of my life skeptical of everything and everyone.
That’s why it’s hard for me to deal with insurance claims.
A few weeks back, my wife had a bad wreck on Kell. The other driver was completely at fault, and there was an eyewitness to back that up.
My wife was shaken up a bit in the accident, but she was in much better shape than our truck.
It, to me, looked totaled, although the body shop now has the final say on that issue.
The other driver had good insurance. The Hartford Company is for sure a reputable company.
But being reputable doesn’t necessarily make you trustworthy.
It is the insurance company’s job to get out of this by paying as little as it has to.
It is my job to make sure we get what is coming to us.
A representative from Hartford called my wife last week to ask how she was feeling.
Not that he gave a rat’s ass, it was just to see how much all this was going to cost his company.
She has had some soreness in her back and shoulders, but so far nothing that we felt needed our doctor’s attention.
On the day the guy called, she was feeling pretty good, so when he told her Hartford was sending her a check for $750 to pay for any medical expenses we might have, she said OK.
I said No-K.
Continue reading "Don't try to hustle a hustler"
Posted by at 8:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Happy birthday, Elvis
January 8, 2007Happy birthday, Elvis.
If you are really dead, rest in peace.
But if you are alive, you need to put 71 candles on this birthday cake.
Elvis at 72?
That means it was 50 years ago that he started his reign as King of Rock ’n Roll.
1956 was the year of Heartbreak Hotel and Hound Dog and Don’t Be Cruel.
It was the year of Elvis’ first movie, “Love Me Tender.�
The kids today see Elvis as some big fat doper sweating through an sequined white jump suit two sizes too small, wearing a scarf and singing crap like “In the Ghetto.�
When I visited Graceland for the first time back in the early ’90s, I was mesmerized by all the memories of the King. I got goose bumps standing in the Jungle Room.
My two kids -- ages 12 and 15 at the time -- just couldn’t’ understand what the big deal was.
They just couldn’t understand why the world loved this fat old guy.
But old Baby Boomers like me still remember the sideburns, the gyrating pelvis -- the cool rebel that changed music.
(I’m still pissed off at Ed Sullivan only showing Elvis from the waist up for fear of corrupting the youth of America and sending us all to Hell, even though Elvis sang the spiritual song “Peace In the Valley� on that Jan. 6, 1957 show TV show.)
There’s an Elvis song that relates to every puppy love romance I had as a kid.
All of us guys wanted to be Elvis, but there was only one kid in my school was really looked like him.
Gary Vick had the sideburns and the slicked back hair that he combed every two minutes. He looked like he had just come off the set of “Grease.�
And Gary was only 12 years old.
But all the girls at Austin Elementary loved him.
He was their Elvis.
It was tough for a short little guy with glasses to compete with that.
Continue reading "Happy birthday, Elvis"
Posted by at 9:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
America did not want to let go
January 4, 2007Gerald Ford’s funeral, it seemed, lasted almost as long as his presidency.
But there was a good reason for that.
America did not want to let go.
We wanted to hold on to something that we once had and may never have again.
Although we never elected him to this country’s highest office, Ford was one of the greatest presidents in our history.
He wasn’t the smartest president we ever had.
He wasn’t the wittiest.
Or the purest.
Or the prettiest.
He wasn’t conservative.
Nor was he liberal.
Yes, he was a Republican --- but not too Republican.
He was the All-American boy that ever father wants his daughter to marry.
The college football player.
The soldier.
The patriot.
Gerald Ford was a good man.
A good father.
A good husband.
A good Christian.
Continue reading "America did not want to let go"
Posted by at 8:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Price for Saddam hanging was way too high
December 28, 2006The headline on Page 7A of Thursday’s paper made me smile.
“Sentence Upheld: Saddam ordered to be executed within 30 days�
That means sometime between right now and the Super Bowl, somebody in Baghdad is going to tie a rope around this old bastard’s worthless neck and hang his sorry ass.
But thanks to another headline one page earlier, I really can’t celebrate this hanging like I would like to.
That headline on Page 6A Thursday said:
“Heavy Toll: Military deaths in Iraq exceed 9-11 mark�
As much as I want to see Saddam Hussein hang, the price to do it was way too costly.
On Christmas -- of all days -- our military death toll in Iraq, surpassed 2.973.
That was the number of people killed when the terrorists attacked us on Sept. 11, 2001.
And the number has risen since then, and it will keep rising until somebody puts an end to this stupid, stupid war.
I was happy to see that former President Gerald Ford took an opposite view of this war than that of most of his Republican Party friends.
Ford, who died this week, did an interview with Bob Woodward of the Washington Post back in July of 2004, before Iraq really got out of hand. The interview was embargoed until after his death.
Continue reading "Price for Saddam hanging was way too high"
Posted by at 8:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Will the real Ralphie Parker please stand up
December 21, 2006They say all of us have a double -- somebody who is the spitting image of us.
In this town, Harold Hawkins must be mine. Although I know I am much, much prettier than the former city councilman, I have been called him, and he has been called me more times than either of us want to remember.
Some women here at work found a Web site where they compare facial features from your picture and tell you which celebrities have the same features as you.
Sharing my face were Elton John, Dick Cheney and Colin Powell.
Personally, I think I look much more resemble maybe Matthew McConaughey or Brad Pitt or maybe a white Denzel Washington.
OK, it’s Christmas -- a time to fess up and be honest.
When I was a kid, I looked like Ralphie Parker.
Don’t remember Ralphie?
Well turn on your TV to the TBS network at 7 p.m. on Christmas Eve and you watch 24 straight hours of Ralphie.
He’s the star of “The Christmas Story.�
(To all of you who have been living on another planet and don’t know what Ralphie looks like, go to http://www.celebritynooz.com/images/peter_billingsley_then.jpg and compare him and me.)
The photo on this page of little Nicky Gholson sitting on the lap of a Sears store Santa is living proof that I was once Ralphie Parker.
Since I came out of my mama’s womb wearing nerdy glasses, I’m not sure what age I was when this picture was taken.
Actor Peter Billingsley was 11 when he played Ralphie -- a bit old to believe in Santa Claus.
I was 9 when a kid at school told me there was no Santa Claus and laughed at me for believing there was.
He then proceeded to whip my butt and -- nothing like Ralphie when he fought the neighborhood bully Scut Farkus.
Continue reading "Will the real Ralphie Parker please stand up"
Posted by at 8:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
The former editor of the Weekly Reader is a pervet?
December 14, 2006It seems like we could just about fill up our paper every day with stories about meth busts and pedophiles.
In fact, they have become so common, they are now boring.
Years ago, I used to always read drug bust stories -- mainly to see if my name was in it. If not me, most of my buddies showed up from time to time.
Today, not only do I not know the name of the bustees -- I don’t even know the names of the drugs.
Enough of that.
On to sex perverts.
A Catholic priest seduces a 10-year-old altar boy?
It’s barely news anymore.
We learned long ago that abstinence makes the hard grow fonder.
Instant messages, chat rooms and email have exposed much of the male population as being perverts.
Congressmen, Baptist preachers, coaches, teachers --
The butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker --
But a headline in today’s paper make me do a double-take.
“Former editor guilty of sex solicitation.�
My first thought was “Oh, my Lord, they’ve busted Carroll Wilson.�
Then I realized it said “former� editor.�
I know a lot of “former editors.� In fact, “editor� is even in my job title, although I think it is only there so they won’t have to pay me overtime.
The only thing probably keeping me from being a “former editor� is one of these blogs.
But today’s story wasn’t just about any old editor.
The guilty pervert was the former editor of the Weekly Reader.
Continue reading "The former editor of the Weekly Reader is a pervet?"
Posted by at 8:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
How the Grinch stole Christmas bonuses
December 7, 2006For the first 20-something years I worked here at the paper, I always received a Christmas bonus.
The first one was for 7 dollars and 50 cents.
The last one was for 750 dollars.
The December bonus was the boss’ way of saying “merry Christmas� and “thank you� to his employees -- most of who lived from paycheck to paycheck and really counted on the extra dollars to buy a Christmas present or two.
Every year there was a standing joke around the office at Christmas.
“I heard nobody was getting a Christmas bonus this year. They’re giving us all a ham.�
But then every year -- usually on the day we had our annual Times Record News Christmas luncheon -- we got that extra check.
Then some time in the mid-90s, the Grinch showed and stole Christmas.
Not only was there no extra check, we didn’t even get a damn ham.
Or membership in the “Jam of the Month Club.�
But God rest ye, merry gentlemen -- let nothing you dismay.
We aren’t giving you Christmas bonuses any more but guess what?
We are going to do something even better.
We are going to give out 15 cent certificates to all you good boys and girls.
Continue reading "How the Grinch stole Christmas bonuses"
Posted by at 8:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Going weekly -- but only for awhile
December 4, 2006With the new year quickly approaching and a lot of my “personal time off� yet to be taken, I will be off for several days the next few weeks.
So for the rest of this year, I will only be writing a weekly blog every Thursdays.
Please keep reading.
And if you need a daily Nick fix, check out some of my archived blogs. There are more than 150 to choose from.
See you Thursday.
Posted by at 7:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Blogs you won't remember and should forget
December 1, 2006During lunch with some ladies at the paper on Thursday, I started talking about the first blogs I wrote while covering the Winter Olympics in Turin last February.
They had me writing them on yourhub.com
Only problem was the paper had not yet launched yourhub.com and nobody knew where to find these blogs.
Here are a couple of them -- that I know you don’t remember
Continue reading "Blogs you won't remember and should forget"
Posted by at 10:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Solomon and the Byrds had it right; There is a time to weep and a time to laugh
November 30, 2006Sorry for the “Bah humbug� blog yesterday.
But the last few days have no exactly been the merriest of times for poor little old me.
Then last night my daughter sent me a text message saying:
“Dad, I am wearing the Christmas socks you gave me.�
Last year I told her we should all make a list of 10 things we would like to do during the Christmas season.
In her message, she reminded me to start working on my list.
That’s all it took to make my day merry and bright.
Them I woke up this morning and saw the winter wonderland in my front yard.
And then I read the promise.
In my daily Bible reading -- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 -- Solomon acknowledges the cycles of life.
(If you don’t read the Bible or know who Solomon is, maybe you have at least heard the old Byrds song “Turn, Turn, Turn.�)
There is a time to sow and a time to reap.
There is a time to weep and a time to laugh.
There is a time to mourn and a time to dance. (Baptists may not like that dancing part)
There is a time to gain and a time to lose.
There is a time to be silent and a time to speak.
There is a time to love and a time to hate,
Continue reading "Solomon and the Byrds had it right; There is a time to weep and a time to laugh"
Posted by at 8:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Blue, blue, blue Christmas
November 29, 2006We are now approximately 3 1/2 weeks away from Christmas, and I am not feeling very Christmassy.
And it’s not that I’m broke.
I’m always broke at Christmas.
I’m used to it.
We put up our Christmas tree and decorated the house the day after Thanksgiving.
That usually puts me in the spirit.
Not this year.
They say it may snow tonight.
Maybe that will put a little ho-ho-ho in this Saint Nick.
Probably not.
I just don’t really give a damn.
Continue reading "Blue, blue, blue Christmas"
Posted by at 8:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Looking for a winner? Don't ask me
November 28, 2006I guess that because I carry the title “sports editor� and regularly offer my opinions in the paper, some people out there actually think I should have the ability to pick winners.
At least a dozen times a week, someone will talk up to me and ask my opinion about a college or pro football game.
Then, I guess, they go out and bet their hard-earned money on what I say.
How stupid is that?
First of all, if I had the ability to pick winners, why would I work a job that allows me to just live a half a notch above the poverty line?
I have a job because I can’t pick winners.
And was that more evident that this week.
To find me in the paper’s college football “periscope� this week just turn to Page 3 on Friday and then head due east.
That’s my picture on the far eastern edge of the page -- behind Chris Horgen of all people.
In the NFL “periscope,� there are still two people who pick a bit worse than I do.
LOSERS
But I am still one spot east of Chris Horgen in both polls.
“Vive Paris� Horgen.
How bad is that?
My record for college football is 133-145-4.
If I had bet 100 bucks on all of those picks, I would be $2,650 in the hole.
My record for pro football is 80-92-3.
If I had been 100 bucks a game on the NFL, I would now be $2,120 loser.
Continue reading "Looking for a winner? Don't ask me"
Posted by at 8:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Nov. 22, 1963: The day our world changed
November 22, 2006Nov. 22, 1963.
It was the day our world changed.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy was the hope of the future -- a president who would protect us from the crazy dictators of the communist world and would finally bring every American those “unalienable rights� that our Declaration of Independence had promised us.
The Kennedy smile.
The unpresidential sense of humor.
The sexy wife.
JFK brought a new hope to this country.
And now he was dead -- shot in the head as he rode in a motorcade down Elm Street in Dallas.
Yes -- Dallas.
This was supposed to be a day that Texas would show its adoration and respect for this young, vibrant hero of a president.
Instead, we killed him.
Continue reading "Nov. 22, 1963: The day our world changed"
Posted by at 8:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Happy birthday to me!
November 21, 2006I turned 60 in a bar today -- drinking Bud Light and playing poker.
I celebrated they day -- rather than mourned about it.
And the celebration will continue tonight -- 7 p.m. Ruby Tequilas.
If you want to join in -- the drinks are on you.
OK, I’m getting old, but what the hell?
So are you.
Stick around long enough and you’ll turn 60.
Believe me, it’s not that bad.
Today is also Goldie Hawn’s birthday.
She is a year older than me.
Who’s sexier?
Check out Goldie at
\http://www.poster.net/hawn-goldie/hawn-goldie-photo-goldie-hawn-6204194.jpg
Check out Nicky at
http://blogs.scripps.com/trn/n_gholson/2006/06/bs_baby_stupidity_1.html
Cher also turned 60 this year.
Who’s sexier?
Her --- http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/54/039_17562~Cher-Posters.jpg
Or me? http://blogs.scripps.com/trn/n_gholson/2006/06/bs_baby_stupidity_1.html
Maybe that’s not fair.
I am the only one in my underwear.
Continue reading "Happy birthday to me!"
Posted by at 9:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
What we need are more cooks and fewer kooks because I prefer my fried chicken dead
November 17, 2006The PETA kooks have done gone and killed Col. Sanders.
It happened in the City of Brotherly Love a few days ago.
They soaked him in blood and hung the old colonel from a scaffolding outside of one of his own KFCs in Philadelphia.
And let a giant chicken cut his throat.
It all happened underneath a banner saying:
“KFC Cuts Live Animals’ Throats�
While the giant chicken was doing an O.J. on the Colonel, PETA members handed out leaflets to passersby informing them that more than 850 million chickens are raised and killed for KFC each year.
Make mine a three-piece white -- original recipe.
Mashed potatoes and gravy on the side.
If it’s not bad enough that the Colonel’s own people have stripped him of his famous white suit jacket, now PETA kooks are branding him as a mass murderer of chickens.
I guess that also makes Popeye, George Church and Greg Stockton all chicken murderers.
Throw my dead grandma in there, too. She has wringed the necks of many a chicken to make our Sunday dinner.
Since I prefer my chickens dead and fried. So I’m siding with the Colonel, Popeye, George, Greg and grandma on this one.
If PETA can find a way of frying chicken without killing the bird, then I will listen.
What I won’t listen to is crap like this:
Posted by at 8:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tee time in Heaven
November 16, 2006I am going to visit my friend Mike today.
It will be the last time we see each other this side of Heaven.
That was the way I planned to start this blog.
But Mike Lester died this morning a few hours before my scheduled visit.
So the words I had planned to say to him will now be said to you.
I believe we are created in the image of God.
That does not mean God has a mouth, a nose, two eyes and two ears.
God is spirit.
We are spirit.
Our bodies are just earthly containers for the spirit.
They allow us to communicate and do the things we need to do in this life.
The body wears out. The spirit doesn’t.
I believe Jesus Christ is exactly who he said he was -- God’s spirit in human form.
He gave us an example of how to live and how to die.
When Jesus died, the Bible says his spirit was released.
The same thing happened in that hospital room at 5 a.m. today.
Mike’s spirit was released.
Continue reading "Tee time in Heaven"
Posted by at 8:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
James Bond just not James Bond without Sean Connery, Oddjob and Pussy Galore
November 15, 2006I haven’t been to a James Bond movie since “Thunderball� in 1965.
And that was a year too long.
The very best of the Bond movies came out in 1964.
After “Goldfinger� in 1964, it just hasn’t been the same.
Jill Masterson’s golden corpse.
Oddjob and his flying hat.
Pussy Galore.
It just didn’t get any better than that.
“Goldfinger� was the blueprint for Bond movies.
But the 17 that have followed it just couldn’t get there.
The budget for “Goldfinger� was $3.5 million. The box office exceeded $124 million.
“Casino Royale,� the latest Bond movie coming out this week, had a budget of $150 million
“Goldfinger� was the first Bond movie to be shown on U.S. television. At the time (Sept. 17, 1972), it drew the highest Nielsen Ratings for any film with 49 percent of the viewers.
Although I quit going to Bond movies 41 years ago, I have seen most of them on TV.
Sean Connery was James Bond.
The five guys who followed him were mere imposters.
Roger Moore wasn’t bad, but he wasn’t Bond.
Pierce Brosnan was Remington Steele.
Continue reading "James Bond just not James Bond without Sean Connery, Oddjob and Pussy Galore"
Posted by at 9:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
A Better Idea: Let's ban Elton John
November 14, 2006Elton John wants to “ban religion completely.�
I’ve got a better idea.
Let’s ban Elton John.
Hey, I will give this guy his due -- he put out some great music from 1971 to 1976.
“Levon�
“Tiny Dancer�
“Rocket Man�
“Honky Cat�
“Crocodile Rock.�
“Daniel.�
“Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting.�
“Candle in the Wind.�
“Bennie and the Jets.�
“Philadelphia Freedom.�
“Pinball Wizard.�
“Don’t Go Breaking My Heart.�
Elton John was no one-hit wonder.
But you have to wonder what has happened the last 30 years.
It’s been a long, long time since this guy has written a decent song.
If you can name any song that Elton John has written since 1976, then you are a huge fan, and you need to stop reading this right now. All I’m going to do is piss you off.
This chubby little 60-year-old fruit now wants to rid the world of religion because he says it promotes hatred toward gay people.
My religion preaches to love your neighbor as you love yourself.
That’s hatred?
OK, I admit Christianity has its share of phony baloney preachers who spew hate from the pulpit, yet don’t practice what they preach.
But please, don’t judge Jesus Christ by the hypocrites that he himself publicly exposed when he walked this earth.
Continue reading "A Better Idea: Let's ban Elton John"
Posted by at 9:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Welcome to automated telephone hell. Press 1.
When I got my monthly toy bill for $6,996,131.31, and my checking account balance is now $36, I had to call and complain.
"Thank you for calling TX-ScrewU Cable, Cell Phone, Internet and Other Crap.
Where we remain dedicated to extracting every nickel out of you we can get.
"For quality control reasons, this call may be monitored or recorded."
Now what the heck does that mean? If I start dropping F bombs and S missiles during this call, will someone come on and threaten to come wash my mouth out with soap?
Or will they send the CD to my pastor?
Or even worse, to Pope Robert?
"If you want this call in English, press 1.
"For Spanish, press 2.
"For Orthodox Greek, press 3.
"For Trinidad and Tobago, press 4.
"For Pig Latin, press 5.
"Or if you want me to shut up and you just guess what I'm saying, press 6.
I thought about pressing 5 and later wished I had pressed 6. But I pressed 1.
"For automated account balance or other general information, press 1.
"For billing information or other additional info, press 2
"To order new service or add to your existing service, press 3
"To report problems or get technical assistance, press 4
"To disconnect your service or remove features from your service, press 5
"To just piss and moan and have your F-bombs monitored, press 6
"To receive information on hemorroid removal, press 7
"To have your prostate checked, press 8
"To have a full lobotomy, press 9
"To listen to all this again in Pig Latin or Orthodox Greek, press 0."
OK now, I'm confused, but since my bill is for more than $6 million and I have $36 in my checking account, I press 2. And later realized I should have pressed 6.
Continue reading "Welcome to automated telephone hell. Press 1."
Posted by at 8:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
What you want, Baby I got; What you need. Do you know I got it?
November 10, 2006I woke up this morning feeling a whole lot more ethical than I did yesterday.
In fact, I am one ethical guy.
I am overflowing with ethicticity.
You need compassion? I’ve got it.
Courage? I’m one courageous fellow.
Excellence? Did you ever doubt?
Fairness? You bet.
Integrity? I’m your guy.
Respect? R-e-s-p-e-c-t -- Find out what it means to me. R-e-s-p-e-c-t -- Take are TCB. Sock it to me, Sock it to me. Sock it to me.
Those five things are the Code of Ethics for the E.W. Scripps Company.
And I am one company guy.
When E.W. talks, I listen.
So I sat through a three-hour ethics presentation Thursday and walked out the door singing:
“Glory, glory, hallelujah,
“His truth is marching on.�
Sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me.
Continue reading "What you want, Baby I got; What you need. Do you know I got it?"
Posted by at 9:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
'Law and Order" died with Jerry Orbach
November 9, 2006I used to be a big “Law and Order� fan.
I watched the original one, the Criminal Intent one, the Special Victims Unit one, the Trial by Jury one and the six spinoffs with other names.
Heck, if they had come up with Law and Order: Meter Maids Division, I would watch that.
Even though Lennie Briscoe changed partners more often than he changed underwear, I still watched.
I endured two police captains, two district attorneys, seven assistant DAs and four Manhattan DA bosses.
I loved the musical introduction and the quiet ending.
I even liked the corny jokes.
But I am not alone.
You don’t reach a 17th season -- like “Law and Order� has now done -- unless you’ve got a show worth watching.
Three more years and you’re in “Gunsmoke� company.
That shouldn’t happen.
“Law and Order� should have ended two years ago.
There should not have been a 16th season or a 17th season.
If you’ve got to scratch a “Law and Order� itch, just flip over to some cable station.
It became a 24-hour series until now that old CSIs are starting to get a lot more cable air time.
“Law and Order� died when Lennie Briscoe died.
This show should have signed off when Jerry Orbach died of prostate cancer on Dec. 28, 2004.
Continue reading "'Law and Order" died with Jerry Orbach"
Posted by at 8:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Encore: I ggot gscrewed gin gthe gspelling gbee.
November 8, 2006Today is a busy day for me.
With football season and basketball season intertwining, I’ve got an unusually large Wednesday workload. And to make things worse, I am once again competing in the Adult Literacy Council spelling bee.
With that in mind, I am running an encore of a spelling bee blog I wrote last spring.
It is one of my personal favorites.
Although you probably can't tell it by reading 21st Century Nicky, I used to be a pretty good speller.
No, I never made it to the big dance in Washington, D.C., but I made it to the study hall stage at Reagan Junior High School. In the spring of 1960, I was second place in the Reagan spelling bee.
Some Barbie doll won it.
I remember at the end, when it came down to Nicky vs. Barbie, she tried to distract me by crossing her legs and giving me a small glimpse of adorable flesh.
I sat there trying to go over all the possible hard words in my mind, but what kept popping into my mind would not be found in my little Scripps spelling book.
No, Iwantolickyouallover was not in the book.
Neither was Pleaseletmeseeyourunderwear.
I became so distracted that I missed on a four-letter word.
Now, most teen-age boys are very affluent in four-letter word spellings.
But Barbie won when I spelled "gnat" -- "nat."
Heck, I could have spelled Antidisestablishmentarianism that day, but the little blonde teaser beat me because I missed "gnat."
Continue reading "Encore: I ggot gscrewed gin gthe gspelling gbee."
Posted by at 8:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Your vote doesn't make a difference
November 7, 2006“Your vote makes a difference.�
It’s the great American lie.
I have been voting for 38 years now. I believe in voting. I try to vote in every election.
But my vote has never made a difference.
The only way that could happen is if an election were decided by one vote.
And never in my lifetime has that ever happened.
So Kinky won’t be governor just because I went to the polls today.
And Willie Nelson won’t be lieutenant governor or Joe Brown won’t be secretary of agriculture just because I wrote them in.�
Up until a few years ago, I used to write in Ham Vance on the ballot for elections that I didn’t know anything about or care anything about.
If you don’t know who Ham Vance was, ask you Daddy.
My presidential voting record is: 5-5
After starting out 0-2 with Humphrey (1968) and McGovern (1972), I finally won with Jimmy Carter in 1976,
But I lost with Carter in 1980. Won with Reagan in 1984. Won with Daddy Bush in 1988; Lost with Bush in 1992. Lost with Dole in 1996; Won with George W in 2000 and 2004.
Knowing what I know today this is how I would have voted.
1968: Humphrey.
1972: McGovern
1976: Carter
1980: Reagan
1984: Reagan
1988: Bush
1992: Clinton
1996: Clinton
2000: G.W.
2004: G.W.
You can see that I admit my mistakes.
And although I am not a fan of G.W., I certainly wouldn’t have wanted Gore or Kerry running this country.
Continue reading "Your vote doesn't make a difference"
Posted by at 8:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)
You don't have to call me darling, darling; But if you want to, that's OK with me, honey
November 3, 2006“Just picking up, sweetie?’
This 20-something babe smiled at me.
Once again, she was wearing those hip-hugger jeans that show off the back dimples of an A-plus butt.
“Just picking up, sweetie?’ she asked again when I didn’t answer the first time just so I could hear her say it again.
I said “yes� and guess what?
She asked for my phone number.
I would have given her my Social Security number, all of my credit card numbers, my email address, my home address and my Christmas wish list -- all she had to do was smile and ass -- I mean ask.
I gave her my phone number. She brought my dry cleaning.
“Thanks, sweetie.�
I left the cleaners drive-thru thinking:
Maybe my driver’s license is wrong.
Maybe I was born in 1976, not 1946.
And maybe there’s something wrong with that mirror in my bathroom.
Maybe I still have really long hair and a flat belly.
That bald guy with the beer gut -- he’s not really me but only what you would see in a carnival funhouse.
I’m a real stud-muffin.
Mmmmmmmmm.
Maybe I should go back and get that chick’s phone number.
Posted by at 8:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Latest poll says polls are a waste of space
November 2, 2006Back in the good old days, journalism teachers taught us that newspaper space is a precious commodity. We were taught not only to write stories using the fewest words possible, but also the fewest letters.
So you see why I get irritated when I see prime Page 1 space in my paper wasted on dumb ass stories two days in a row.
Polls for the most part are a useless waste of time and energy -- and that was never as evident as in the two stories that showed up on our front pages Wednesday and Thursday.
The Wednesday one had a seductive headline:
“Strip sexy myths�
Get the words strip and sexy side-by-side in a headline, and you can bet I will be trapped into reading the story.
I even jumped over to Page 6A to read the conclusion of the story when I saw the jump line asked me to “Please See Sex on Page 6A.�
The story was completely moronic and useless.
A British medical journal conducted a poll in which it was concluded that promiscuity in Africa is not the main cause of the rapid spread of sexual diseases in that country.
Being stupid and poor is the real cause of the AIDs problem.
But I’m betting if you’re stupid, poor and promiscuous, the odds really go up.
I is smart.
Didn’t need a medical journal or a poll to figure that out.
The study also found that most people still lose their virginity between the ages of 15 and 19.
And married people still have sex more frequently than single people.
The poll, however, didn’t say that married people were having more good sex.
Continue reading "Latest poll says polls are a waste of space"
Posted by at 8:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Whatever happened to Sharon Ann?
November 1, 2006We were boyfriend and girlfriend in the Summer of 1958.
I was 11. She was 12.
We went to movies together.
We went swimming together.
We went to the park together.
We hugged. We kissed. We played a little touchy-feely.
Then we broke up.
A few days after the break-up, I walked over to her house to kiss and make up.
Her grandmother said he had gone on vacation.
The next week school started.
She wasn’t there.
Nobody knew why.
Then one day I saw a short story in the newspaper where a local cab driver had been charged with statutory rape of a 12-year-old girl.
I knew his name. I still remember his name.
He was a friend of her dad and had given us free cab rides to the movies, to the swimming pool and to the park.
Sharon Ann never came back to school.
About 10 years later, I was shooting pool and drinking beer in a downtown bar called “The Cave.�
The barmaid who waited on me kept smiling at me.
I knew her from somewhere but just couldn’t remember where.
“Do I know you?� I asked.
“Maybe,� she replied.
“Where do I know you from?� I asked again.
“You figure it out,� she smiled.
Continue reading "Whatever happened to Sharon Ann?"
Posted by at 8:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
You may see a big Woody at your house tonight
October 31, 2006For most of my life, I have worn two costumes on Halloween.
From age 18 to age 39, I always dressed up as a smart-ass young white guy.
Then, for the next 17 years, I switched to a balding, smart ass old white guy.
When you are born with my face and have to wear it around 364 days a year, why would you want to put on a goofy or ugly mask one day a year? Makes so sense.
Then along came Nicholas and everything changed.
My little grandson now dictates my Halloween wardrobe.
Last year, when I asked him who he wanted to be on Halloween, he said “Batman.�
Then when I asked him what he wanted grandpa to be, he said “Big Batman.�
So guess what I did.
Yep, Big Batman. Cape, mask, the works.
My wife -- Cat Woman -- said I looked like a chipmunk dressed up like Batman.
But Nicholas was happy.
This year he chose to be Buzz Lightyear.
And he wants grandpa to be Woody.
So when the sun goes down tonight, there will be a big Woody at your house.
For many of you, it will be the first time you have seen a big Woody in a long, long time.
Continue reading "You may see a big Woody at your house tonight"
Posted by at 8:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Call me crazy, but I still believe in "news"papers
October 27, 2006Unlike most of my colleagues, I don’t see gloom and doom for daily newspapers.
If that makes me president of the “Overly Optimist Club,� so be it.
But I still believe that 30 years or so from now, when my grandson breaks Barry Bonds’ and Hank Aaron’s home run records, he will be able to pick up a paper the next morning and read all about it.
Many others in this business will disagree.
Guys my age are just hoping their retirement comes before they “stop the press� forever.
Newspapers, they say, just can’t compete with 24-hour cable news and the Internet. By the time, a newspaper lands in your flower bed, everything in it is old news.
To me, cable news and the Internet aren’t a newspaper’s greatest competition.
Our biggest enemy is us.
In the last several years, newspapers have made a big effort to bring in new readers.
We “target� groups like:
Single mothers between the ages of 30 and 45 who tape Oprah every day, eat macaroni and cheese and love to square dance on weekends.
Or married men between the ages of 28 and 42 who have three kids, live in a trailer house and watch professional wrestling every night in their underwear.
(And if any of those people just happened to speak Spanish, we will really go after them.)
In our last two Sunday papers (notice I never say newspapers), we had front page stories on purple purses, pet guinea pigs, a gothic rock band and pet scorpions.
Not sure what “target� group all this was aimed at.
Continue reading "Call me crazy, but I still believe in "news"papers"
Posted by at 8:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Nick's endorsments: Vote for Head
October 26, 2006Last Saturday, the paper announced its endorsements for all of the races anybody cares about in the Nov. 7 election.
Whatever you do, don’t bet on any of them.
The paper’s endorsement record sucks.
It’s almost like people read these endorsements just to find out whom not to vote for.
For example, the paper has wholeheartedly endorsed the last two school bond issues.
The people said “no� both times.
Once again, the paper is backing the WFISD.
And once again, the people will say “no thanks.�
I wrote my opinion on this in Wednesday’s blog, so if you give a rat’s ass about what I think, you can go back and read or re-read that.
Today I want to give my endorsements on all the races anybody cares about.
The bosses at the paper never invite me to their editorial board interviews in which candidates are quizzed about opinions on various issues..
So my endorsements are based more on ignorance than on inside knowledge -- which makes me much more in tune with the voters than the paper.
Before I give you my endorsements I must confess that thanks to George W. Bush, I now refuse to vote for any more Republicans for offices in which party affiliation matters.
Here goes:
Continue reading "Nick's endorsments: Vote for Head"
Posted by at 8:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Sorry, Nicholas, but grandpa has to vote 'no' to another school bond proposal
October 25, 2006For the third time in four years, I am going to vote “no� to a WFISD school bond proposal.
I really don’t want to, believe me.
I want my grandson to have the best education possible, and sometimes I feel like saying “no� to the school district is also saying “no� to little Nicholas.
Sorry, Nicholas, but grandpa just doesn’t trust these people with our money.
I didn’t trust them when the they wanted $121 million.
I didn’t trust them when it was $78 million.
And I still don’t trust them now that it has dropped to $60 million.
Just covering high school sports, I see so much waste of money in the WFISD.
I mean why do we need 13 football coaches for one high school?
Joe Golding won four state championships at Wichita Falls High with two assistant coaches.
Have times changed that much?
Do we really need year-round high school golf and tennis?
Do we really even need high school golf and tennis?
Do we really need freshman teams in all these sports?
Why not just JV and varsity?
The school district spends thousands and thousands of dollars on salaries and travel that I consider nothing but pure waste.
Kinda like having an assistant superintendent, huh?
Continue reading "Sorry, Nicholas, but grandpa has to vote 'no' to another school bond proposal"
Posted by at 8:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Divorce lawyers, beer companies and bookies were behind bringing us Monday Night Football
October 23, 2006Monday Night Football is now 37th year.
It is the second longest running prime time TV show -- two years younger than “60 Minutes.�
Since it started in 1970, more than 550 games have been shown on MNF.
So who really started this Monday night man thing?
(1.) ABC Sports and its president Roone Arledge.
(2,) NFL commissioner Pete Rozelle.
(3.) Divorce lawyers.
(4.) Beer companies. Also a major beneficiary.
(5.) Bookies. This added game gives all the losers a chance at double or nothing. It also gives the overconfident weekend winners a chance to come back to reality.
(6.) All of the above.
Posted by at 8:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
MySpace can turn into MyDisgrace
October 20, 2006We are starting to get “letters to the editor “supporting the Wichita Falls cop suspended because of what he put on his MySpace.com Web page.
The backers of Jeremiah Love refer to his “exemplary record� as a lawman.
And, as you would expect, the media is to be blamed for all the attention given to this story.
Bull S……….
This story is not about whether Love was a good cop or a bad cop.
It’s about him being a stupid cop.
When your job is to protect the good guys from the bad guys, you don’t go online telling the world that you are a “super hero/serial killer� who likes to dine on human flesh.
In no way do I think this cop is a cannibal.
This is just an online masquerade party, but the pretending can get a guy in deep do-do.
Just ask Julia Wilson.
She is a 14-year-old girl with freckles on her nose and braces on her teeth.
But she recently made news when two Secret Service agents came to her school and pulled her out of class.
Julia had posted the words “Kill Bush� on MySpace above “a cartoonish photo-collage of a knife stabbing the hand of the president.�
Continue reading "MySpace can turn into MyDisgrace"
Posted by at 8:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Apostle Paul wouldn't make a very good Baptist
October 19, 2006Ever since Gutenberg started printing Bibles, Baptists have been pounding people over the head with them.
They believe everything from God creating the world in six days to Armageddon.
And if you add or take away anything from the Bible -- well, my friend, you are in big, big trouble.
Here is the official belief of the Southern Baptist Convention.
“The Holy Bible was written by men divinely inspired and is God's revelation of Himself to man. It is a perfect treasure of divine instruction. It has God for its author, salvation for its end, and truth, without any mixture of error, for its matter. Therefore, all Scripture is totally true and trustworthy.�
That is word-for-word from the Baptist Faith and Message -- the Baptist constitution.
The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Being a Christian by faith and a Baptist by choice of church membership, I have no problem with that.
What I do have a problem with is when Baptist leaders pick and choose what is “truth.�
The trustees at Southwestern Baptist Seminary in Fort Worth -- a school attended by many church leaders in this area -- just ripped I Corinthians 14:39 right out of the Bible.
Continue reading "Apostle Paul wouldn't make a very good Baptist"
Posted by at 8:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Zig-Zagging our way back to Vegas
October 18, 2006Once upon a time, Nevada had a monopoly on casino gambling.
Today, according to the American Gaming Association, 27 states have full casino operations.
Although Texas isn’t one of them, we here in Hooterville Falls only have to drive less than 20 miles to play blackjack, poker or the slots.
Those friendly Indians (I mean, Mustangs) over in Oklahoma will gladly take our money.
So why go to Vegas anymore?
There are no more $2 steak dinners.
No more $2 limit tables.
No more Rat Pack.
No more Siegfried and Roy.
Elvis is dead and so is Binny Binion.
My fourth wife and I got married in The Little Chapel by the Courthouse -- just two blocks down from the Golden Nugget.
And there ain’t going to be a No. 5.
So why go to Vegas anymore?
The lawmakers in Nevada have been asking themselves the same question.
The casinos are running out of gadgets.
And guys like me aren’t going to run through airports just to find a 99-cent shrimp cocktail.
Knowing that, Nevada is considering legalizing one more sin to lure you and me to Sin City.
Marijuana!
I’ll smoke to that.
Continue reading "Zig-Zagging our way back to Vegas"
Posted by at 8:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Guided Tour of Hooterville Falls
October 17, 2006Some of the people in “Hooterville Falls� don’t like me calling our town “Hooterville Falls.�
But since I have spent most of 60 years living here, I think I have the right to call it anything I want to.
And “Hooterville Falls� certainly fits.
Just think about it -- if you wanted to take visitors on a guided tour of the Falls, what would you proudly show them?
Look to your right, folks, and you will see the famous Crappy Myrtle in the park.
Our city spent $50,000 to have that wonderful piece of art put here for people to laugh at and for birds to crap on.
Now, as we pass through what used to be the downtown area, we are getting close to the famous “Littlest Skyscraper.�
Please feel free to get out your cameras and take as many photos as you wish of this fabulous structure, which some say was built close to the ground so that Muslim terrorists would not even think about flying airplanes into it.
As we head south on I-44, as many cars and trucks do every day, you will get a breathtaking view of the “Chocolate Falls.�
A few years back people wanted to put the Falls back in Hooterville Falls, and this was the best we could do.
It’s your lucky day because today the fake Falls are actually on. Most of the time, there is no muddy water running out of it.
Continue reading "Guided Tour of Hooterville Falls"
Posted by at 8:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
A Friday the 13th I can never forget
October 14, 2006Due to being called away on an “emergency� assignment (the SAFB/BCI golf tournament), I am writing my Friday the 13th blog on Saturday the 14th.
Please forgive me.
Some will tell you that Friday the 13th of October, 1967 was my lucky day.
But there were four guys in our car when it crashed just south of Jacksboro. The car hit a bar ditch and flipped four times. The other three guys walked away without a scratch. My right arm was underneath the car.
I still have noticeable scars on my arm and a 1967 skin graft on my right hand.
I haven’t been able to make a fist with that hand in 39 years.
The four of us were headed to Arlington for a Coyote football game. My friend – the driver of the car – had little experience, if any, in highway driving.
And it almost cost me my life.
We were just south of Jacksboro – officially Joplin, Texas. The road had just changed from four lanes to two lanes, and my buddy was driving on the shoulder with a truck on his left. He sped up to get around the truck and lost control of the car.
We were in the northbound lane, heading south, about to crash head-on into another car.
My friend turned the steering wheel and the car headed for a bar ditch.
When it hit –about 90 mph—it flipped in the air and turned over four times before landing on me.
They say at times like these, your whole life flashes before your eyes in a matter of seconds.
My Mama had been killed in a car crash five years earlier.
All I could think about during those few seconds was – I am going to die like her.
Continue reading "A Friday the 13th I can never forget"
Posted by at 8:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Sleeping with the stars
October 12, 2006Ruta Lee now has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
Can Peggy Cass and Charles Nelson Reilly be far behind?
If making movies like “Elvis and the Beauty Queen,� being a guest on “Love Boat� and sitting on the bottom row for “Hollywood Squares� can get you a star, well I may still have a chance.
After all, I do have a one-minute weekly radio show on the Buzz and I have been a guest on “Sports Central.�
When I saw in the paper this morning that Ruta had a star on that famous sidewalk, my first thought was:
Who did she sleep with?
Then I saw where she’s 70.
Hey, she’s a hot 70, but she’s still 70.
Do 70-year-old people still . . . .?
I hope so.
Then I found out that making the Hollywood Walk of Fame is no big deal.
There are 2,318 stars on that sidewalk, honoring five categories of entertainment -- TV, radio, live theater, movies and music.
Terry Bradshaw has a star.
Arsenio Hall was one.
So are the whole Osmond family and Big Bird and Pee Wee Herman and the Harlem Globetrotters.
Even our Hooterville Falls hometown hero, Tommy Tune, has a star.
Continue reading "Sleeping with the stars"
Posted by at 9:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Whatever you can do, we can do better
October 11, 2006If every crazy country in the world is going to have a nuclear bomb, then the United States is going to have to develop something much better and much more powerful.
Unless we wish to see New York City and Washington D.C. turn into Hiroshima and Nagasaki, we need to come up with a weapon that will destroy all the nuts with nuclear weapons.
May I suggest the Super Duper Selected Target Boomerang Bomb?
It would work like this:
Kim Jong II is having a bad hair day.
His egg drop soup is cold and the North Korean dictator decides to drop a nuclear bomb on the U.S.
The order is given and the missiles are fired.
But Mr. Jong didn’t know about the Super Duper Selected Target Boomerang Bomb.
Let's Roll!
Our new weapon intercepts the Korean missiles and re-directs 90 percent of them right back in Jong’s face. The other 10 percent are allowed to take out gay Republicans.
The “selected targeted� feature of our new invention allows only North Korea and GOP gays to be blown off the face of the earth,
South Korea is all of a sudden North Korea and South Korea.
The Republican Party is back in the hands of Jerry Falwell.
And there is peace in the valley until……………..
Continue reading "Whatever you can do, we can do better"
Posted by at 8:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Alaskans tell Chavez to stick it; we should too
October 10, 2006I am not a fan of George W. Bush.
In fact, after voting Republican in the last six presidential elections, I am switching parties.
And the main reason is Bush.
He’s the worst president since Jimmy Carter -- the guy who made me leave my Democratic roots and turn Republican 20 something years ago.
Freedom of speech gives us Americans the right to criticize Bush.
But, at the same time, I don’t like it when some commie president from Venezuela calls him “the devil� or a terrorist.
That’s what Hugo Chavez told the United Nations.
First of all, what kind of parents would name a kid Hugo?
No wonder he became a big-mouth commie dictator.
I had never heard of him until a year ago when Pat Robertson got criticized for saying we should kill him.
The 700 Club preacher with the bushy eyebrows accused Chavez of turning his oil-rich country into “a launching pad for communist infiltration and Muslim extremism all over the continent.
“If he thinks we’re trying to assassinate him, I think we really ought to go ahead and do it.�
Maybe Pat was right.
Screw Hugo Chavez.
And screw Citgo, the Texas-based oil subsidiary of the Venezuelan government.
I will not buy one more drop of gas from this company.
I will run out of gas before stopping at a Citgo -- even if they try to disguise it with the name “Stripes.�
It’s the least I can do when I see what some of my fellow Americans are doing up in Alaska.
Continue reading "Alaskans tell Chavez to stick it; we should too"
Posted by at 9:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Hooterville Falls: Proud home of Nathan Biller
October 6, 2006Texas towns take great pride in their favorite sons and daughters.
Lubbock has Buddy Holly.
Vernon has Roy Orbison.
Abbot has Willie Nelson.
Poteet has George Strait.
Port Arthur has Janis Joplin.
Corpus Christi has Eva Longoria.
Denison has Dwight Eisenhower.
Uvalde has Matthew McConaughey and Dale Evans.
Mexia has Anna Nicole Smith.
(Ok, maybe some are some proud).
Drive through Oklahoma and you will see:
Okemah: “Home of Woody Guthrie.�
Henryetta: “Home of Jim Shoulders and Troy Aikman.�
Kingfisher: “Home of Sam Walton�
Gene Autry was actually born in Texas but moved to southern Oklahoma as an infant and now has a town named after him -- Gene Autry, Okla.
So what do we here in Hooterville Falls have to make us proud?
Well, now we are the home of the World Corny Dog Eating Contest.
I’m getting goose bumps just thinking about it, aren’t you?
Yep, the front page of our hometown paper had a story today telling us how Natan Biller gained fame by eating a dozen corny dogs in 10 minutes.
That’s big-time.
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Cops and Rubbers
October 5, 2006Supreme Court rejects sex-toy case�
The headline in Tuesday’s paper got my attention.
It’s a story about how an adult bookstore employee in El Paso sued the state of Texas after he “was arrested for showing two undercover officers a device shaped like a penis.�
The employee told a female officer the device would “arouse and gratify her.�
Texas law outlaws the manufacture, marketing or dissemination of “obscene devices� including those shaped like sex organs.
In other words, you can buy a heavy-duty, super duper 20-inch wonder wand vibrating massager with six attachments that are soft-molded and curved to allow you “to reach those difficult to access places� ------
Just as long as it doesn’t look like a wee-wee.
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Three reasons kidnapping can be a good thing
October 4, 2006Lemuel and Julia Redd should be honored as “parents of the year.�
Instead, they are facing charges that could land them in prison for one to 15 years.
At least one in eight women out there wish they had parents like Lemuel and Julia.
I know of three women who I wished had parents who would do what the Redds did.
Ex Wife 1.
Ex Wife 2.
Ex Wife 3.
If their parents had saved them from me, it would have saved them and me a whole not of what Freddy Fender “wasted days and wasted nights.�
I battled MLS for close to 26 years and credit my survival on a whole lot of self-medication.
The MLS could have been avoided if the in-laws in my first three marriages had been like the Redds.
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Life in the slow lane surely makes you lose your mind
October 3, 2006The ATM is a great invention.
Now, would everybody learn how to use it.
I think I have wasted at least one full day out of my life waiting behind morons trying to get money out of an ATM machine.
I pull in the bank lane at 11 a.m.
The woman in front of me is in a beaten up 1975 Dodge Dart. She tries to stick her driver’s license or library card or Coyote card into the machine and can’t figure out why it won’t go in. Finally, the one flickering light bulb in her brain lights up and reminds her that she needs an ATM card to work an ATM machine.
Then, after putting the right card in, she has to spend several minutes trying to figure out what language she wants.
Dumb Redneck and Ebonics are not among the choices.
Confused, she accidentally hit Portuguese.
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Artsy-fartsy ain't my style
September 29, 2006Nobody has said for sure, but I’m betting the kid who got the Frisco teacher fired was a girl.
No fifth grade boy is going to complain about seeing a nekid statue.
Heck, nekid stuff is about all the Dallas Museum of Art would have to interest little boys.
OK, I admit, I’m art-ignorant.
When I look at Michelangelo’s statue of David, all I see is a big un.
But what would you expect from a guy 17-feet tall? That’s like two Shaquille O’Neals and one Mini-Me.
I’m digressing -- sorry.
What makes art -- art?
I look out the window of our building and see the “Sculpture Garden� in front of the Kemp Center for the Arts.
The elite look at some guy balanced on a blue ball and see art.
I look at it and see junk.
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'It ain't me babe -- no, no, no -- it ain 't me, babe, it ain't me you're looking for, babe'
September 28, 2006“How many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?
Yes, 'n' how many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry?
Yes, 'n' how many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.�
Is that great or what?
If you don’t like Bob Dylan, quit reading this blog right now because. . .
“I don't want to meet your kin,
Make you spin or do you in,
Or select you or dissect you,
Or inspect you or reject you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.�
Elvis and The Beatles have been biggest rock stars of my generation, but Bob Dylan probably had the greatest impact on music.
Time Magazine thought so. That’s why Dylan is listed among its 100 most influential people of the 20th Century.
“Bob Dylan couldn’t wait for the music to change. He couldn’t only be a part of the change. He was the change itself.�
The young Bob Dylan demanded change. He was the forefront of the anti-war and civil rights movement.
He was our voice in the 60s.
“Maggie comes fleet foot
Face full of black soot
Talkin' that the heat put
Plants in the bed but
The phone's tapped anyway
Maggie says that many say
They must bust in early May
Orders from the D. A.
Look out kid
Don't matter what you did
Walk on your tip toes
Don't try "No Doz"
Better stay away from those
That carry around a fire hose
Keep a clean nose
Watch the plain clothes
You don't need a weather man
To know which way the wind blows�
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CheerleaderGate: Meet the Disgruntled Parents
September 27, 2006Two bits, four bits,
Six bits, a dollar,
Everyone tired of
This City View
Cheerleading bitching,
Stand up and holler
For the past few days, the “letters to the editor� portion of our paper has been dominated by, first, some disgruntled City View parents griping about the cheerleader uniforms -- and then the rebuttal of all the cheerleader supporters.
Does anybody really give a rat’s ass about all this?
I mean, we’ve got important news going on -- like Paris Hilton getting arrested for DUI and Temple, Okla., celebrating its 104th birthday.
Heck, there’s probably a gun and knife show coming to town pretty soon.
Hey right there above the letters today was a Good Old Joe Brown editorial on goat farming or sorghum prices or something else really important.
Disgruntled parents are something I have had to put up for the last 34 years.
They’ve always got something to bitch about, usually because their little Johnny or little Mary didn’t get their way.
Most of the time, the disgruntled choose to point out other kids who aren’t nearly as good looking or talented as their kids.
To me, disgruntled parents are Public Enemy No. 2 -- right behind Muslim terrorists.
Continue reading "CheerleaderGate: Meet the Disgruntled Parents"
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I love my daughter
September 25, 2006When I got online at home today to write my blog, I found this in my email.
My daughter wrote his blog on MySpace.
I am so proud of her. You will soon know why.
My Dad, my hero
Current mood: grateful
Anyone who knows me at all knows how much I adore my Dad. As far back as I can remember, (which is getting hazy already), I have always been a Daddy's girl. Mom stayed at home most of my early childhood. I remember excitedly hearing his "I'm home!" at about five fifteen every day. When he had time, he took me on "baby doll days", where it was just us two. He would take me to buy a toy, or sometimes just ride up and down escalaters at the old Sears downtown. I looked forward to those rare occasions. When Tommy or I were sick he would stop at the store on his way home from work and buy us something. Makes me feel guilty as hell for the few times I was faking!
When Mom left my Dad turned into a man few probably felt possible. I recall Tommy and myself giving him a letter that might have even made him cry. It said thanks for being a great father and mother to us. Of course when Mom was gone we were all sad. Not myself, Tommy, or Dad saw it coming. Seems strange because we were blind to about every sign possible. She could have said it point blank and we would have probably laughed it off.
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Only $999,999,571.27 short of the cut
September 22, 2006The Forbes 400 list is out, and once again I missed the cut.
But this time I was only short by $999,999,571.27.
Yeah, Bill Gates and the Waltons aren’t going to be challenged by my $428.73 net worth.
But maybe next year.
If I could just come up with some pill that could make fat, ugly women look like Marilyn Monroe.
And if I don’t, there is still hope.
No. 2 and No. 3 on this “richest American� list both started out in -- yep, the newspaper business.
Warren Buffet, who is now worth $46 billion, was once a paper boy. He filed his first tax return at age 13 and claimed a $35 deduction on the bicycle he rode to deliver his papers.
Before Sheldon Adelson became a casino owner and parlayed it into $20.5 billion, he got his start selling papers. He borrowed $200 from his uncle to get into the newspaper business.
I had a head start on both of them. I started here at 64 bucks a week.
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Ryder Cup 'Skins Game;' What do the Irish really know about filth?
September 21, 2006“Ryder Cup Filth for Dublin.�
That was the headline in most recent edition of The Dubliner Magazine.
Under it was a story by so-called columnist Lou Slips, who wrote: “Most American golfers are married to women who cannot keep their clothes on in public.�
That should boost golf ratings back here in the good old USA, but right now it has done nothing but piss off Mr. Eldrick Woods.
Although the magazine took some satirical shots at Chad Campbell’s wife, Amy, “a large-chested singer.� Remember Arnie’s Army. Well after seeing this chick, I’d rather be in Amy’s Army.
It also called Jim Furyk “geeky� and said he didn’t get his hot wife, Tabatha, until his career earnings hit $15 million. Now, that’s BS. I’m betting Tabatha would have married the geek if he was only worth $10 or $12 mil.
But the real pre-Ryder Cup fuss is over Mrs. Elin Nordegren Woods --- aka Mrs. Tiger.
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Willie Nelson, meet Barney Fife
September 20, 2006The state police in Louisiana have to be the greatest law enforcers since Barney Fife.
In fact, when I think of that state trooper stepping into Willie Nelson’s tour bus and sniffing out that Willie weed, I think of Barney.
Can’t you just see him grabbing for his gun with one hand and the bullet in his pocket with the other?
Then, if he doesn’t shoot a hole in his foot or the bottom of the bus, Barney points his gun and Willie and his friends and says:
“Hands up. Hands up. I know what that smell is.�
“I just farted,� Willie says with a broad smile. “Maybe that’s what you’re smelling�
“Oh no, my friend, I know the smell of Mary Jane. You’re not messing with some hick deputy here,� Barney says. “You people are in big, big trouble.�
Then he shoots himself in the foot.
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To heck with political correctness, the Pope was right
September 19, 2006There are some things I don’t like about Catholics.
(1.) Their funerals are too long.
(2.) Their weddings are too long.
But for the most part, this luke warm Baptist likes Catholics.
Sure we differ on how we do some things, but the cornerstone of our churches is the same.
We are Christians.
And the Muslims aren’t.
So I stand behind the Pope and what he said that has pissed off the Muslim world.
Continue reading "To heck with political correctness, the Pope was right"
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Saddam Hussein coming to the MSU Artist Lecture Series, then Falls Fest?
September 15, 2006Why is Saddam Hussein still breathing?
There have been 2,206 American military casualties in Iraq since we captured this old bastard back on Dec. 13, 2003.
Yet he is still alive.
I believe every person deserves a trial, but this is ridiculous.
Hasn't Brittney Spears had two babies while this old fart has been on trial?
Here’s how I would have handled the Saddam Hussein trial:
Hear ye. Hear ye. The trial of this murdering bastard is now in session.
Judge: How does the mass murderer plea?
Saddam: Not guilty.
Judge: Has the jury reached a verdict.
Jury Foreman: We have, your honor. Guilty as hell.
At that point, the judge reaches down and pulls out a German Luger
and fires two shots right between Saddam’s ragged old eyebrows.
They drag his nasty old carcass out of the courtroom and feed it to some hungry pit bulls.
That’s how I would handle it.
Here’s what is really going on.
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Kinky, it's OK to legalize pot, but please don't dance with the devil
September 14, 2006I still plan to vote for Kinky Friedman for governor, but there is something he said Wednesday that I totally disagree with.
No, not his support for legalizing marijuana.
I am totally in line with that.
If they sold good weed at the drug store, the meth problem wouldn’t be what it is today.
And throwing people in prison for pot is just plain wrong.
I agree with Kinky’s stand on this issue.
Some people are labeling Kinky a racist because of what he said about the Katrina evacuees spiking the crime rate in Houston.
He’s not a racist. He’s a realist.
The hurricane blew a lot of “crackheads and thugs� into our state.
That’s a fact.
Kinky wants to “clean house� in several state boards and commissions.
Go Kinky.
He wants to dump the Texas TAKS test for public school students.
Do it.
But there is still one thing Kinky said that bothers me.
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Madonna not the weirdest act in Russa
September 13, 2006While doing some research on Madonna’s controversial Confessions tour in Russia, I came across many more interesting stories from the country we used to hate.
I remember growing up thinking Russia was a really dull country.
Well, not anymore.
The country of Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev, Gorbachev and Ivan the Terrible ain’t what it used to be.
Here are some recent Russian headlines:
Man Keeps Mom’s Mummy in Attic for 10 years
A man in the central Russian province of Tatarstan has kept his mother’s mummified body in the attic of his house for 10 years before it was discovered by police Chronometer newspaper reported on Wednesday. At the interrogation the man said he saw nothing wrong in this and added that he acted within the tradition of his people.
Gay Couple Has Public Sex; Crowd Applauds
Two men drew applause from residents of Ekaterinburg in Russia’s Urals as they undressed in the street, kissed in front of the gathering crowd and finally performed oral sex on each other.
On Monday, two apparently drunk men stopped on the central street of the biggest Urals city and started dancing. While dancing, the couple stroked each other lovingly, gradually undressing and kissing passionately, the Ura.ru website reports.
People who gathered around the couple reacted quite positively, took photographs, applauded and recorded them on video. Nobody bothered to call the police or protest.
Teenage Girl Buries Aunt Alive for Selling Dog to Barbecue Shop
A 15-year old girl and her younger friends have badly beaten and buried alive her aunt for selling her dog to a barbecue shop. The girl said that the dog had come to her in a dream and asked her to punish the woman who had caused its death.
The Kurier newspaper from the North Russian region of Pskov said that the girl, Nastya Horina, called the police herself and confessed to killing her 36-year-old aunt. The girl said that her dog, which went missing about a year ago, had come to her in a dream and said that it was killed. The dog also said that the girl would soon find the killer and asked her to avenge its death.
The next day after the dream, the girl met her aunt who said it was her who sold the dog for a bottle of vodka to a barbecue shop. Nastya together with her friends who were even younger then her took the woman to a gravel pit, beat her badly and then buried the woman while she was still alive.
25 Percent of Russians Have Had Sex While Driving
About 25 percent of Russians have had sex while driving, a poll released by KRC Research and Goodyear revealed. And this is just one of the things that make them the worst drivers in Europe.
According to the research, Russians do not use seatbelts, break speed-limits, drive through red lights, drive drunk and have sex while driving much more often than other Europeans do.
The odd thing is they don’t think all this is bad.
It gets stranger: Read on.
Continue reading "Madonna not the weirdest act in Russa"
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If Diddy can't be Diddy, what will he be?
September 12, 2006There just wasn’t room enough for two Diddys in Britain.
Richard “Diddy� Dearlove -- whom nobody has ever heard of -- went to court and sued the Diddy worth $250 million over the rights to the name “Diddy.�
So the Diddy settled out of court and agreed not to be Diddy anymore.
Richard “Diddy� -- whom I like to call Dick “Diddy� -- is now the only Diddy in that country.
Now the other Diddy will have to change his name.
But that shouldn’t be a problem.
He has done it six times before.
The name that his mom and dad gave him -- Sean John Combs -- wasn’t hip enough to be a gangster rapper, so Sean John became Puffy.
Then Puff.
Then Puff Daddy.
Then P Diddy.
Then Diddy.
You may not know this, but when he was Puffy, he had other legal problems over his name with a Japanese band named Puffy AmiYumi.
Are you still with me?
Why?
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Posted by at 8:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Bush-Cheney master-minded 9-11? If you believe that, then Roosevelt bombed Pearl Harbor and JFK shot himself in the head
September 11, 2006The dumbest of the dumb ass writers right now is David Ray Griffin.
His book is called: “Christian Faith and the Truth Behind 9-11.�
In it, he concludes that “the Bush-Cheney administration orchestrated 9-11 in order to promote this (American) empire under the pretext of the so-called war on terror.�
In other words, the President of the United States was the mastermind behind this attack on the United States.
On a slow day at the Oval Office, Bush calls Cheney in and says:
BUSH: “Hey, Dick, what OUR country really needs is a good war.?
CHENEY: “I don’t know, George, that might not be such a good idea.�
BUSH: “Just think what it will do to your 433,333 shares of Halliburton stock.�
CHENEY: “OK, who do you want to attack?�
BUSH: “New York. Maybe D.C, too.�
CHENEY: “You, the commander and chief, are going to order our troops to attack us?�
BUSH: “Nah, get the CIA to find a bunch of rag-heads to fly commercial airplanes into Yankee Stadium and the Capitol. Promise them 72 virgins.�
CHENEY: “Why not the World Trade Center and the Pentagon instead?�
BUSH: “I really hate those (bleeping) Yankees, almost as much as those liberal Democrats over on the Hill. But, yeah, the World Trade Center and the Pentagon would be better.�
CHENEY: “Aye, aye, chief. We can blame it all on that Bin Laden guy and then go attack the Taliban and Saddam.�
Posted by at 9:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Excuse me for repeating myself -- but please say a prayer for Jackie
September 8, 2006I came to work Thursday in a great mood.
Winning not one -- but two poker tournaments -- the night before had me smiling for ear to ear.
And there was a lot of wit and humor in the words I was writing.
Then somewhere between 10 and 11 in the morning, the whole world changed. All of sudden, poker no longer mattered.
Jackie Riley, a co-worker and friend, just got the news that her little daughter had died. She was only 22.
My "pity" has turned to pain. I hurt for Jackie. I can’t imagine what she is going through.
I don't want to know. God, please, I never want to know.
I know how much Jackie loved her daughter . I know how much I love my daughter.
So I'm hurting inside for my friend. I said a prayer for Jackie. God, please comfort my friend.
Comfort? Is it possible?
The Bible says "with God, all things are possible." So I will continue to pray. And hurt.
Thursday is the day my daughter and I always walk together. Today, our time together will be even more precious to me.
Please, say a prayer for Jackie.
Continue reading "Excuse me for repeating myself -- but please say a prayer for Jackie"
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Forgive the big smile, I got lucky last night
September 7, 2006If you see me around town today, you may notice my smile is much bigger than normal.
That’s because this old guy got lucky last night.
Mmmmmmmmm, baby.
Was it ever good.
Reminded me of my younger days.
It had been a really long time since I got lucky in a bar.
But on Wednesday night, I doubled my fun.
Yeah, twice.
Not bad for a guy just a couple a months away from the big 6-Oh, huh?
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Posted by at 8:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Looking and lusting may be a sin, but these preacher perverts deserve a hotter spot in hell
September 6, 2006I have been told by people much smarter than me that God does not differentiate between sins.
In other words, in His eyes, a serial killer is no worse than a liar.
Winona Ryder the shoplifter is no better than Adolf Hitler the mass murderer.
Sorry, but I just can’t buy that.
If God gets so upset when we make Damn his last name, just think of how made he gets when these so-called preachers and prophets come along and use his first name to screw everything in sight.
In our paper today, there’s a story about a “Baptist� church in the Ozarks whose pastor allegedly uses his Godly position and authority to molest children.
George Otis Johnson is said to have touched one girl sexually before and after church services and called it “angel kisses.�
This guy needs to be angelically bitch slapped.
But it gets worse.
Old George allegedly told a girl that he had been “ordained by God to fulfill her needs as a woman.� And that ordination has allowed him in her pants from the time she was 8 until she was 16.
Another girl says he has been getting fulfilled since she was 4.
Posted by at 9:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Could the U.S. survive without Dick Cheney?
September 5, 2006The No. 2 al-Qaida boss in Iraq has been captured.
You may remember him as Hamed Jumaa Faird al-Saeedi.
Or Abu Humam.
Or Abu Rana.
Take your pick.
Whatever you want to call him, his al-Qaida ass is now in American hands.
A national security adviser in Iraq said the arrest has dealt the terrorist group a big blow.
Al-Qaida is supposedly in a “serious leadership crisis.�
I’ll bet it takes five or 10 minutes for them to find another No. 2 man.
Remember how much our country suffered when Spiro Agnew resigned.
Man, I still miss him -- don’t you?
Just think what would happened if the terrorists captured Dick Cheney.
Could America survive?
Dick who?
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Jerry Lewis hasn't been funny for 50 years
September 1, 2006Is Jerry Lewis funny?
No,
Has Jerry Lewis ever been funny?
Yes.
When did Jerry Lewis quit being funny?
50 years ago.
Unless you are 50-something, you probably have never laughed at anything Jerry Lewis ever did.
You don’t remember “The Caddy,� in which Jerry Lewis was a caddy for golfer Dean Martin.
Or you may have never seen the greatest Martin and Lewis movie, “Living It Up� where Jerry’s doctor (Dean) diagnoses him with radiation poisoning and give him just three weeks to live. When a New York newspaper reporter finds out about it, Jerry becomes a national celebrity. Then he finds out he only has a sinus condition.
(Rent this one if you can.)
As you may have figured out by now, Jerry Lewis quit being funny when he no longer had Dean Martin.
Laurel needed Hardy.
Costello needed Abbot.
Curly needed Moe.
Gracie Burns needed George.
And Lewis needed Martin.
The two formed their comedy team in 1946, did 17 movies together and then broke up exactly 10 years to the day they got together.
The breakup turned into a well-publicized feud.
“I’ll never work with that drunk again,� Lewis once said.
Continue reading "Jerry Lewis hasn't been funny for 50 years"
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What is the world coming to when we can’t trust a man with 40 wives and 60 kids anymore?
August 30, 2006Personally, I haven’t been hot for a 13-year-old girl since I was about 14,.
So I never realized what a turn-on these young girls can be to older men until the Internet came along and exposed that a huge percentage of dirty old men are dirty old pedophiles.
This Jon Mark Karr ordeal shed light on how these dirty old guys move to Thailand to get their kicks.
And now we get the story of polygamist Warren Steed Jeffs -- arrested just outside Las Vegas on Monday -- who faces charges that he arranged marriages with 13-year-old girls and older men.
What is the world coming to when we can’t trust a man with 40 wives and 60 kids anymore?
Posted by at 8:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Schools, hospitals serve you crap and call it healthy
August 29, 2006Former Dallas Cowboys fullback Walt Garrison, a spokesman for Skoal chewing tobacco, like to tell a story about how he once was guest speaker for a luncheon sponsored by U.S. Tobacco.
He said there were about 1,200 people at the banquet and the food that was served was the kind “the prepare a week ahead and they freeze it and, of course, it ain’t worth a damn.�
During his speech that day, Garrison said:
“You know, this food reminds me a lot of the good Mama used to make when I was living at home. Only she didn’t sh** in it afterward.�
That’s my memory of school food.
Here you are in a educational atmosphere -- learning how to diagram sentences; how to figure out the area of an isosceles triangle and how to find India. So we trust these people to teach us how to eat properly.
And then they throw a piece of do-do on your plate cover it with some kind of tomato paste and call it meat loaf.
Did you ever wonder what was under that biscuit on top of your chicken pie?
If they had really wanted to know, they wouldn’t have covered it up with that biscuit.
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Posted by at 8:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Me in the Dumber Than Hell 100? Wait 'til next year
August 25, 2006Are you going to ride this year, Nick?�
The big boss’ question drew a few chuckles from the bobble heads attending our mid-week CTD (Come to Darrell) meeting.
Hey, I understand.
Nick is 40 pounds overweight right now.
I haven’t ridden a bicycle in more than 30 years.
The thought of my belly on a bike at the “Dumber Than Hell 100� even makes me chuckle a bit.
Yet I could have been a real smart ass and reminded my boss that the greatest athletic achievement of his life was being water boy for the Burkburnett High School junior varsity golf team.
But I like having a job and getting a paycheck, so I simply answered:
“Not this year.�
That, too, made the bubbleheads giggle.
Maybe it’s because it’s the same answer I have had for the last 25 years.
Continue reading "Me in the Dumber Than Hell 100? Wait 'til next year"
Posted by at 8:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
If they say it isn't a pyramid scheme, you can bet it's a pyramid scheme
August 24, 2006Years ago, a new couple in out Sunday school class invited my wife and me over to their home on a Friday night to “get to know you better.�
When we got there, we found out there were five others couples they wanted to get to know better.
Then another couple drove up in a high-dollar Mercedes.
He was slick. She was sexy.
Welcome to the world of Amway.
“Let’s get the hell out of here,� I said to my wife.
“Don’t make a scene,� she warned me.
Then the guy driving the Mercedes started telling us how he got up every morning around 9 and worked an hour or so, then went to the golf course.
“Anybody here have a watch like this?� he then asked, flashing the $10,000 Rolex on his wrist. “Here, take a look.�
He took the watch off and started to pass it around the room.
“If it gets to me, he won’t have a ‘watch like this’ any more,� I whispered to my wife.
“Isn’t this great?� our new “friend� said after the slick presentation.
“I’m not selling (bleeping) soap for you or your (bleeping) Rolex buddy,� I shouted.
We were handed some books and tapes -- all of which I slammed on a living room table as we later made a quick exit out the front door.
I never spoke to those Sunday school “friends� again.
Continue reading "If they say it isn't a pyramid scheme, you can bet it's a pyramid scheme"
Posted by at 8:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
For the record, I didn't kill JonBenet
August 23, 2006
First of all, let me say I did not kill JonBenet Ramsey.
And I still don't know who did.
But I'm betting Gil Grissom could have solved this case in 30 minutes.
CSI-Las Vegas’ top man would have probably found some doodle bug crawling around outside the basement of the Ramsey home and linked it to the murder of little JonBenet.
Attorney Mark Geragos would have been defended the killer and had his own nightly cable TV show.
Everyone living in Boulder, Colo., would have been interviewed on CNN and Fox.
Col. David Hunt tells Bill O’Reilly that if he was on the jury, he would vote to stick a bayonet up the killer’s butt and then make him swallow a hand grenade.
Gretta would travel to Aruba and question everyone there about the case.
Michael Jackson would testify for the defense.
One witness would claim he saw Richard Jewell outside the Ramsey house on the day of the murder.
Or maybe it was Scott Peterson.
Could Charles Mason have ordered the murder from his jail cell?
Continue reading "For the record, I didn't kill JonBenet"
Posted by at 8:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Love me or hate me -- but first know me
August 22, 2006This is my 100th blog.
If you have read many of these since I started writing them back on March 28, then you probably know quite a bit about me.
That’s the nature of blogs.
Slowly, but surely, the writer reveals himself to strangers.
For the last five months, I have allowed you to look inside my soul.
You have seen a glimpse of my spirituality, my sensitivity, my sarcasm and my sense of humor,
You have met my family.
Yet you really don’t know me.
As revealing as blogs are, they are a mere sneak preview.
But newspaper columnists -- because they have opinions -- have many enemies whom they have never met.
People will say: “I hate that Molly Ivins� or “I hate that Ann Coulter� or “I hate that Carroll Wilson� or -- yes, even “I hate that Nick Gholson.�
Most of the time, they have never met us.
Continue reading "Love me or hate me -- but first know me"
Posted by at 8:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Now you, too, can get into Paris Hilton's bed
August 21, 2006Not many porn stars have done what Paris Hilton has done.
At the tender age of 25, this filthy rich heiress endorses perfumes, jewelry, handbags, fashions and cosmetics.
Her TV series, “The Simple Life� somehow lasted four seasons.
There is talk about a new “Paris� cartoon series.
And she has launched her singing career with a CD named --
You guessed it -- “Paris.�
On that CD is her hit single, “Stars are Blind,� in which she sings (if you call this singing): “If you show me real love, I’ll show you mine.�
Sorry, sweetie, but much of the country has already seen yours.
Your porn tape won three AVN Awards last year.
The tape that Adult Video News loved so much was named --
You guessed it -- “1 Night in Paris.�
Continue reading "Now you, too, can get into Paris Hilton's bed"
Posted by at 9:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
The contender? No, the pretender.
August 18, 2006Evander Holyfield will be fighting again tonight in Dallas.
And you can bet a lot of smart-aleck sports writers will say he’s too old, too slow and too stupid.
First off, 43 is not old.
And I’m betting Holyfield could still get off a combination that would knock out some sports writer out before he could say “stu.�
The “pid� would later be spit out of his mouth, along with a few teeth.
And stupid? Holyfield is getting a half a million bucks for this fight.
He has earned $250 million in the ring.
As of 8 a.m. today, my net worth is $359.70.
I’m not about to call this guy stupid.
Holyfield may have only won one of his last six fights. He may have 21 months worth of ring rust.
But this guy can still whip 99 percent of the people on the planet.
And since I have lost every fight I’ve ever had, I can appreciate that.
Yep, my fighting record now stands at 0-for-forever.
I think I could have ended my losing streak, but that little crippled girl in the third grade always backed down.
Continue reading "The contender? No, the pretender."
Posted by at 8:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Say a prayer for Mary.
August 17, 2006I wrote a "pity party" blog earlier today.
I was right. The whole world was wrong.
And nobody could make me see things any other way.
Then somewhere between 2 and 3 p.m., the whole world changed.
All of sudden, "I" no longer mattered.
Mary Newell, a co-worker and friend, just got the news that her little granddaughter had been killed in a car crash.
My "pity" has turned to pain.
I hurt for Mary. I cant' imagine what she is going through.
I don't want to know.
God, please, I never want to know.
I know how much Mary loved that girl.
I know how much I love my little grandson.
So I'm hurting inside for my friend.
Continue reading "Say a prayer for Mary."
Posted by at 8:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Thanks, Texoma; You finally got it right
August 16, 2006I had a nice acceptance speech written out for the “Texoma’s Best� party last night.
But before I could get it out of my pocket, they were moving on to the best nun or the best hooker or the best glass of ice water or something like that.
So my Tuesday night speech just became my Wednesday morning blog.
I feel honored and privileged to be here tonight.
I will cherish this travel mug -- made in China -- forever and ever.
First, I want to thank all the voters who made me “Texoma’s Best� local writer this year.
YOU FINALLY GOT IT RIGHT.
Now go work on “Texoma’s Best� onion rings. Those frozen ones at Sonic just aren’t in the same league with the homemade ones at Pat’s.
Continue reading "Thanks, Texoma; You finally got it right"
Posted by at 8:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Bullets? I don't need no stinking bullets
August 15, 2006In my business, you travel a lot in pairs.
So in the past 34 years, I have put in a lot of road miles with several photographers and sports writers.
Since we are co-workers, the one thing we have in common is the paper.
So much of our travel conversation is about the good, the bad and the ugly of the Times Record News.
And we play little games to make the time pass quicker.
One game is naming our top 10 chick list.
The best divas at the TRN.
I’ll leave that one to your imagination.
The other game we like to play is called “six-shooter.�
You’ve got six bullets.
How do you want to use them.
Continue reading "Bullets? I don't need no stinking bullets"
Posted by at 9:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Roll away the stone!
August 14, 2006When I felt the sharp pain Saturday night, I knew exactly what to do.
My wife drove me to the hospital emergency room. I walked in and diagnosed myself.
“I have a kidney stone,� I told the nurse.
The doctor gave me some good drugs, confirmed my diagnosis, wrote a prescription for some more good drugs and told me to go home and drink plenty of fluids.
I got back home in time to watch the second half of the Cowboys’ game.
It wasn’t so simple 20 years ago when I had my first kidney stone.
Continue reading "Roll away the stone!"
Posted by at 8:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Best of Nick
August 5, 2006I'm taking a little vacation time this week, but if you need a Nick Fix, here are some old blogs you might want to go back and read either for the first time or read again. These are five of my favoritesl
Monday: read "Hug your mama. I wish I could hug mine." May 12
Tuesday: read "I ggot gscrewed gin gthe gspelling gbee." June 1
Wednesday read "Daddy, I love you." June 16
Thursday read: "I don't hug men or ugly women (well, I try not to)" June 28
Friday read: "Welcome to Automated Telephone Hell, Press 1" July 20.
Just click the dates on the monthly calendar.
Oh, if you have never seen me in my underwear, go to the archives June 9 and read: "BS: Baby Stupidity"
I';ll be back on Monday, Aug. 14.
Posted by at 2:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Nick, New York and Norman for under five grand
August 4, 2006The invitation came in the mail Thursday -- addressed to Mr. Nick Gholson.
(Jesse Jackson was right -- “I AM SOMEBODY�
The Ritz Carlton Hotel in New York wants me to be its VIP guest in November.
If I accept this invitation to come to the New York Marathon, I and my guest will receive
(1.) Two nights in a Park View Suite overlooking Central Park
(2.) Access to the exclusive Ritz-Carlton Club Lounge with complementary food and beverage
(3.) A breakfast banquet at Tavern on the Green
(4,) Two VIP Marathon finish line tickets, compliments of Tiffany & Co.
(5.) $200 Tiffany & Co. gift certificate. (Hey, it may only buy you a shopping bag, but it’s free).
My wife will be visiting her mother that weekend. (She doesn’t know it yet, but she will.)
So all you beautiful hot sexy ladies out there, pick up that phone right now and start calling:
1-800-Lover Boy
Or just email me at hunk-a-hunk-a-burninglove@aol.com
Quit drooling, girls.
There’s more.
Continue reading "Nick, New York and Norman for under five grand"
Posted by at 8:54 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Pricks and passing gas in my paper?
August 3, 2006If you are not a subscriber of our paper, you are missing out.
Today for only 50 cents -- the price of a paper cup at Starbuck’s -- you can get a chance to be on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno and also learn everything you would ever want to know about passing gas.
Just turn to the B section -- Page 1, top story.
“Business pricks up.�
Some headline writer tried to be cute on a story about inoculations.
But the really cute part is there at the end when it says -----
(Drum roll, please)
“Please see PRICKS, Page 2B.�
Now clip that and mail it to Leno right now.
You might expect to see the word “pricks� when you read my daily blog.
I might be inclined to tell you that Al Qaeda is nothing but a bunch of pricks.
Or I might say T.O. is a prick.
But “prick� is not something you expect to see in your morning paper.
Now what are we going to find when we “Please see PRICKS, Page 2B?�
A puncture mark?
A picture of Osama Bin Laden?
A… a….a….. a…..a…….penis?
Continue reading "Pricks and passing gas in my paper?"
Posted by at 8:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Big boys may not cry, but fat boys do lie.
August 2, 2006“Hi, my name is U.R. Phat and I’m with Thomson Medstat. We’re a health-care research firm that is currently conducting a survey, and I would like to ask you a few questions if you don’t mind.�
“Sure.�
“How tall are you?�
“5-foot-2.�
“And your weight?�
“297.�
“Man, you are a hefty bag. But guys like you are what we are looking for in our survey. Tell me, fat boy, what did you eat for breakfast this morning?�
“Bran flakes. A grapefruit and skim milk.�
“Interesting. And for lunch?�
“An apple.�
“Hmmm. And for supper?�
“A green salad with no-fat ranch dressing. Grilled chicken. Cottage cheese and fresh strawberries.�
“Any snacks?�
“I did splurge a bit tonight because there was a really good program on the Discovery Channel. I ate half a banana.�
“Did you exercise today?�
“I jogged five miles.�
That’s the kind of answers Thomas Medstate probably received in its recent telephone survey of the eating habits of more than 11,000 people.
More than three-quarters of obese Americans surveyed said they have healthy eating habits.
Around 40 percent of these fat boys and fat girls said they do “vigorous exercise� at least three times a week.
The headline in our paper today said: “Survey. Most obese people say they eat health food.�
There is just one thing wrong with this survey.
THEY LIED.
Continue reading "Big boys may not cry, but fat boys do lie."
Posted by at 8:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
I didn't want to write this, but I did
August 1, 2006I came to work today not wanting to write a blog.
My attitude was I don’t give a rat’s ass about anything. And I don’t have anything to say that is worth reading.
The next few paragraphs will either prove that or disprove it.
You make the call.
The one thing that would make me happy today is if CNN reported a mushroom cloud hanging over Iran.
If we bombed the Ayatollah crap out of these American-hating terrorists, it would make my day.
I mean wipe the whole country off the face of the earth.
“But what about Syria?� my liberal editor asked when I told him this.
Screw Syria.
Let’s see how united the Muslim world would be if they saw Iran disappear before their very eyes.
As Jack Nicholson said in “As Good As It Gets,� --- they “will be back on their knees in no time.�
Cuban leader Fidel Castro is sick.
His old stomach is bleeding.
I hope he dies.
Today. Like right stinking now.
I want his death to be painful.
This old fart has been a pain in our royal buttocks for 47 long years.
Bye, bye, Fidel.
Enjoy Hades.
Continue reading "I didn't want to write this, but I did"
Posted by at 8:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
I can't see the speck in Mel Gibson's eye; I've got a big plank in my own
July 31, 2006Had his evening ended with only a DUI charge, the world would have laughed at Mel Gibson.
Non-believers take great pleasure out of watching Christians stumble.
It makes them feel good about themselves.
Christians are supposed to be better than them.
And when we’re not -- when we’re just another one of those “religious hypocrites,� it covers them in a security blanket.
When a drunken Gibson got pulled over for doing 87 in a 45 mph zone on the Pacific Coast Highway Friday morning, he just drove one more nail into the cross.
After standing up for Jesus by directing the 2004 movie “Passion of the Christ,� Gibson had fallen from grace -- not from the grace of God, but from the grace of man.
So the world laughed.
Then it got much worse.
Continue reading "I can't see the speck in Mel Gibson's eye; I've got a big plank in my own"
Posted by at 9:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Happy Burgerday to you!
July 28, 2006Today is the 106th birthday of the hamburger.
Or at least one of them.
Louis Lassen began serving hamburgers at his small lunch counter (Louis’ Lunch) in New Haven, Conn., on July 28, 1900. Those burgers, served on toasted bread instead of a hamburger bun with no condiments were sold from that original location into the 1970s. The lunch counter was then moved to make room for a high rise.
Others claim Louis just followed their lead.
In his 1951 obituary in the Los Angeles Times, Frank Menches is acknowledged as the “inventor� of the hamburger. He and his brother Charles claim they started serving hamburgers at the Erie County Fair in Hamburg, N.Y. in the early 1880’s.
They ran out of pork for their hot sausage patty sandwiches and substituted beef.
The Menches family is still in the restaurant business and serving burgers in Akron, Ohio. The town annually plays host to the National Hamburger Festival to celebrate the invention.
And then there was a guy named Grandpa Oscar who had a farm just west of Tulsa. He served his hamburgers on Grandma Fanny’s homemade yeast buns and has laid claim to being the inventor of the hamburger on the bun in 1891.
Many others have claimed to be the inventor of the hamburger.
Heck, you can even go all the way back more than 800 years to the time of Genghis Khan. Old Genghis’ Mongol horsemen stayed in their saddles for days and needed food that could be carried and eaten easily with one hand while they rode.
It is said that flat patties were made from scrapings of lamb or mutton and place under their saddles of their horses. When lunch or supper time cam, they took the meat out and ate it raw.
And you just thought that last Big Mac tasted a bit strange.
Continue reading "Happy Burgerday to you!"
Posted by at 8:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Andrea Yates deserved this 'mulligan'
July 27, 2006It would be easy to be angry over the Andrea Yates verdict.
It would be easy to just strap this woman to a gurney and shoot her up with a super-sized dose of lethal injection.
After all, she murdered her five children. She deserves to die.
It would be easy to think that way.
It would be easy to be wrong.
Andrea Yates deserved this mulligan.
Continue reading "Andrea Yates deserved this 'mulligan'"
Posted by at 8:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Sweet Dreams!
July 26, 2006When I want you in my arms
When I want you and all your charms
Whenever I want you
All I have to do
Is Dream... Dream Dream Dream
Just the other day, I was telling my wife how dreams are stupid and meaningless.
Or at least mine are.
The night before I killed a prostitute but someone else got arrested for the murder. When someone brought evidence to my son that his Dad was the real killer, he had to make a decision -- Send Daddy dear to prison and free an innocent guy or let dear Daddy run free and let the innocent guy become Big Bubba’s new girlfriend.
I woke up in prison, and thank God, never met Big Bubba.
Like I said, my dreams are always goofy.
I can make you mine
Taste your lips of wine
Any time, night or day
Only trouble is
Gee Whiz
I'm dreamin' my life away
I know of people who have dreamed they were in the bathroom and peed the bed.
Some of my guy friends have told me they have met some really sexy chicks in their dream -- if you know what I mean.
The two or three times that I have, I always woke up prematurely -- then tried to get back to sleep as quickly as possible to see if she would come back.
Every night I hope and pray a dream lover will come my way
A girl to hold in my arms and know the magic of her charms
'cause I want (yeah-yeah yeah) a girl (yeah-yeah yeah)
to call (yeah-yeah yeah) my own (yeah-yeah)
I want a dream lover so I don't have to dream alone
Continue reading "Sweet Dreams!"
Posted by at 9:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Cruise control is out of whack
July 25, 2006In my humble opinion, there has never been an actor like Paul Newman.
From Hud to Hustler to Harper to Hombre.
He was Billy the Kid and Butch Cassidy.
He was Judge Roy Bean of Pecos, Texas and Gov. Earl Long of Louisiana.
He was Fast Eddie Felson, and Cool Hand Luke Jackson.
He drove race cars at Indy and he hit Slap Shots on the ice.
Has anyone pulled off a better Sting than he and Robert Redford?
He was a gigolo to Alexandra Del Lago and a husband to Liz Taylor. But the love of his life was Joanne Wood, his wife of 48 years.
Paul Newman was also a successful businessman. Newman’s Choice started with salad dressing and has expanded to pasta, lemonade, popcorn and salsa.
The profits go to helping others.
More than $200 million has gone to things like the Hole in Wall Gang Camp, a residential summer camp for seriously ill children in Connecticut that he co-founded.
What a great man Paul Newman is.
And for awhile, I actually thought Tom Cruise just might be the next Newman.
Boy, was I wrong.
Continue reading "Cruise control is out of whack"
Posted by at 9:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Finders keepers, losers weepers
July 24, 2006On his way out of a restaurant one night, a friend of mine found a $5 bill on the floor.
He picked it up and stuck it in his pocket.
All the way home, his wife bitched at him.
The bitching went on and on for several days.
She kept telling him he should have given the five bucks to a waitress.
“Why?� he asked. “It wasn’t hers.�
At church the following Sunday, I told my buddy’s wife that he was right and she was wrong.
“It’s right there in your Bible -- ‘Finders keepers, losers weepers’ � I said.
Although I was joking with her about that, I did point out two Bible verses that might shut her up.
Matthew and Luke both agreed with her husband.
Matthew 7:7 and Luke 11:9 say “Seek and ye shall find.�
Well, there was a story in our paper on Sunday about a homeless guy in Detroit who was rummaging through trash bins looking for returnable bottles. Instead, he found a bunch of U.S. savings bonds worth close to $21,000 in a bag of old clothes.
They belonged to a dead guy whose family had tossed the old clothes and the loot into the garbage.
Continue reading "Finders keepers, losers weepers"
Posted by at 8:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Bob Barker is my hero
July 21, 2006Bob Barker is my hero.
No, it’s not because he is rich and has long legged beautiful women working around him every day.
Nor is it because every woman in America seems to want to touch him, hug him and kiss on him.
It's not even because he has hair.
Although I wouldn’t mind all of that, it’s not what makes me admire this man.
Bob Barker began his career as a game show host back in 1956.
Now 50 years later -- at age 82 -- he is still on the job and doing it better than ever.
That’s what I hope to do.
I know a lot of my friends talk about how great retirement is going to be.
But I don’t want to retire.
I love what I do.
I want to do it forever.
I want to be Bob Barker.
When the calendar hits 2022, I want to be like Bob -- celebrating my 50th year in the business -- and having people say I am as enthusiastic about my job at age 76 as I was at age 26.
And I am doing it better than ever before.
Continue reading "Bob Barker is my hero"
Posted by at 9:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Not now, Lord, I've got a 1:30 meeting
July 19, 2006I really believe that when Christ's second coming happens, most Americans will be stuck in some meeting.
When that final trumpet sounds, many of us will wake up, sit straight up in our chair sand start nodding our heads in agreement to everything that the boss has been saying.
People here at the paper are always meeting about something.
Sometimes I think we have meetings to plan other meetings.
Just this week I was asked to attend a "weekend meeting." So today at 3:30, I will be in that meeting. It will follow my regular 1:30 SEF meeting.
SEF?
I really wonder how many of the 19 or 20 people who have to attend this weekly meeting really know what SEF stands for.
It's a meeting where the BB, the BC, CW, HR, IT, other TRN BS(s) and LOM get together and talk about things like CM, AR, PBS, DPS, PTO and various other subjects straight out of a can of alphabet soup.
In this meeting, unlike some of the others, I think the BB (big boss) really wants people to speak up and tell the truth, but that's hard for some of the other TRN BSs (big shots) to do, so the meeting is usually filled with a lot of smiling faces and nodding heads and "Yes sirs."
Then when it comes time on the agenda for LOM (little old me), the BB says, "Nick, do you have anything?'
I say "No sir." and go back to daydreaming about cold beer and my Wednesday night poker game.
I'm not even sure why LOM is at this meeting with all the TRN BS(s).
Comic relief and common sense are the only reasons I can think of.
Or maybe, since the BB that first put me on the list was a woman, I am there for my sexual magnetism.
Continue reading "Not now, Lord, I've got a 1:30 meeting"
Posted by at 8:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
'Go Israel!' 'Boo Hezbollah'
July 18, 2006As for what’s going on in the Mideast these days, all I can say is…
“Go Israel.�
“Boo Hezbollah.�
Yep, any time there’s a fight between the Muslims and the Jews, I’m always on the side of the Jews.
For one thing, we have the same God.
The right one.
And we still have the same enemy.
So although the Jews missed the boat on the Messiah thing, Israel is still the good guy in all this mess, although I know that at times it may not look like it.
I like their style.
This is a country that has been in and out of captivity since the beginning of time.
Hitler tried like hell to wipe them off the face of the earth.
Terrorists, living in their own backyard, continually attack them.
Muslims don’t want peace with Israel. They want the extinction of Israel.
So the Jews fight for their very existence.
Remember Entebbe?
Continue reading "'Go Israel!' 'Boo Hezbollah'"
Posted by at 9:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Chili Dog Gholson?
July 17, 2006Celebrities sometimes give their kids the strangest names.
Frank Zappa named his baby daughter Moon Unit.
Jermaine Jackson -- one of the Jackson 5 and the brother of Michael and Janet -- named his son Jermajesty. (Jermaine, whose middle name was LaJaune, later became Muhammad Abdul Aziz).
Urban legend had Grace Slick naming her baby girl 'god," but it was really China.
Maybe the stupidest name of all was the one former Texas Governor James Hogg gave to his only daughter.
She was Ima Hogg. (Strangely, she lived 93 years and never married and got rid of Hogg).
One year when I was covering the state track meet, there was a girl there named Miracle Fingers.
Also a few years back there was a girl high school basketball player in Texas named Dixie Land.
Why do people do this to their kids?
I mean, if your last name is Head, you don't name your son Richard -- unless you think it's funny that he go through life being called Dick Head.
And then there was the Ho family from China, who had a so named Phat.
Continue reading "Chili Dog Gholson?"
Posted by at 7:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Gone Fishing
July 14, 2006Taking a day off to recuperate from Peter Tork's show at Iron Horse last night and to play a little golf this afternoon.
If you need a Nick Fix, check out some of my old blogs today. Maybe you missed one.
See you Monday -- Nicky G
Posted by at 8:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Injury to a baby? Tighten that noose.
July 13, 2006Could I please sign up for jury duty?
Pretty please.
And could I please be put on the jury for the trial of the two women charged with injuring that 2-year-old baby?
Pretty please with lots of sugar on top.
The lead story on the front page of today's paper really pissed me off.
How could anyone hurt a 2-year-old?
A teen-ager? That's different. I can understand screaming obscenities into face of some smart-ass teen. And two-minute spanking might not be long enough.
But a 2-year-old baby girl?
The picture described in the paper is ugly.
Here's a 29-year-old live-in partner accusing her girlfriend's baby of "giving her a dirty look," jerking the baby out her high chair and thens haking her and yelling obscenities near her face as the 2-year-old screamed in fear.
And Mama just sat there and allowed it.
Her punishment would have been pouring hot sauce into the babys' mouth to shut her up.
Yeah, put me on this jury.
Continue reading "Injury to a baby? Tighten that noose."
Posted by at 8:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)
Dont' screw up my grilled cheese sandwich with your olives, spinach and apricot jam
July 12, 2006You don’t have to be Wolfgang Puck to make a great grilled cheese sandwich.
All you really need is the IQ of a hockey puck.
I’m living proof that any idiot with two pieces of bread, a stick of butter, a couple of pieces of cheese and a frying pan can be a gourmet grilled cheese chef.
Now sometimes there is nothing better than a good grilled cheese sandwich -- grilled nice and crisp with the cheese oozing out of it.
My grandson’s 3-year-old taste buds have voted grilled cheese sandwiches as THE American breakfast, lunch and supper -- over hot dogs, corny dogs and blueberry pop tarts.
(I don’t think this kid has ever seen a vegetable.)
His love of grilled cheese is OK with grandpa because grilled cheese is about all I can cook.
That’s why I can’t figure why anyone would pay $16.95 to buy a cookbook titled “Great Grilled Cheese� and written by someone who would dare put apricot jam in a grilled cheese sandwich.
So as not to give this someone any more publicity than she deserves, I will simply call her “the nut.�
And in last Sunday’s paper (notice I don’t call it NEWSpaper anymore), we wasted three-quarters of a page of newsprint -- worth approximately $2,200 if it were advertising space -- to let some goofball writer from California tell us about this other nut’s cookbook.
The headline on the story read:
“Grilled cheese sandwiches come with all kinds of ingredients.�
And I said:
“That’s b… s….�
Right here and now I am going to give you my secret to making a great grilled cheese sandwich. And it won’t cost you $16.95. Of course, if you like it and see fit to send me cash, check of money order, it would be appreciated and used to buy more cold beer.
Here’s my secret.
Posted by at 8:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Sharon had 'nothing to hide'; And boy am I glad she didn't
July 11, 2006What is the your most memorable scene from a movie?
Yesterday, I went around the office asking that question to some of my fellow workers. And, as you can imagine, I got a lot of different responses such as. . .
The airport farewell between Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Berman at the end of "Casablanca."
The shower scene with Janet Leigh in "Psycho."
The hot sex scene with Jack Nicholson and Jessica Lange in the remake of "The Postman Always Rings Twice."
Nicholson's "Here's Johnny" scene in "The Shining."
Then I threw in a couple of my favorites --
The cowboys eating beans and farting around the campfire in "Blazing Saddles" and
A drunk Lee Marvin singing "Happy Birthday to you" when he sees candles around the coffin of Cat Ballou's dead daddy.
And then there was that time that Jamie Lee Curtis went topless in "Trading Places."
All of those are good, but the very best movie scene of all for this dirty old man was Sharon Stone crossing and recrossing her legs in "Basic Instinct."
Without panties.
Continue reading "Sharon had 'nothing to hide'; And boy am I glad she didn't"
Posted by at 8:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Look, up in the sky! It's Julie Andrews,
July 10, 2006Maybe it's because I'm just getting old -- but I want Superman to be SuperMAN.
Not SuperBOY like this pretty boy imposter I saw at the movies this past weekend.
Where did find this kid -- in a Clearsill commercial?
You can masquerade this Brandon Routh up in form-fitting blue tights and a red cape and stick a big red S on his chest, but he' s just not Superman.
The flying part is a dead giveaway that this guy is an imposter.
Superman doesn't have a Mary Poppins takeoff.
Sweet-faced Brandon looks like Julie Andrews when he goes airborne. The only thing missing is the umbrella.
Continue reading "Look, up in the sky! It's Julie Andrews,"
Posted by at 8:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Frank, Dean, Sammy and friends are dead, but the RAT PACK is still alive and in love
July 7, 2006Life is all about LOVE.
Love is a many splendored thing.
All you need is love.
Love me tender.
Jesus loves me, this I know. . .
Everybody loves somebody sometime.
We have tough love.
puppy love,
unconditional love,
Courtney Love (strike that).
The two greatest commandments of the New Testament are: To love God with everything you've got and to love your neighbor as yourself.
"And if I have prophecy and know all mysteries and all knowledge,
and if I have all faith so as to remove mountains,
but have not love, I am nothing."
We sit on a love seat.
We stop at Love's to buy gas.
We fly out of Love Field.
God is love.
Love is blind.
Love is in the air.
I Love Lucy
Everybody Loves Raymond.
"The love shack is a little old place where, we can get together.
Love shack baby."
It is good to love. All of us need to love and be loved.
But what kind of nutcase LOVES RATS?
Yep, you read right -- LOVES RATS.
There really is a Rats and Mouse Club of America -- with a purpose of providing good homes to needy rodents.
Posted by at 8:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
This is DQ Country, so where are the DQs?
July 6, 2006We have an El Gordo.
We have an El Chico I and an El Chico II.
We have an El Norteno and an El Patio.
We have an El Ranchita Villegas and will soon have a new El Mejicano.
We have Taco Bells, Taco Buenos and Taco Casas.
We have more Chinese restaurants than we have Chinese people.
Hungry for a bean burrito? No problem.
Want to order a pizza? There are many options.
Want a country basket or a chocolate dip cone or a Blizzard?
Forget it.
Or drive to Holliday.
Continue reading "This is DQ Country, so where are the DQs?"
Posted by at 8:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
I do. I don't. I do. I don't. I do. I don't. I really do.
July 5, 2006My wife and I celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary on Tuesday.
"Big deal," you say. "I've had hangovers that lasted longer than that."
Well, for a guy like me, six consecutive years of matrimony is a big deal.
That might be the reason people shoot off fireworks every year on our anniversary.
You see, marriage is something I have never been very good at.
I'm too self-centered to make a good husband. Marriage is too much of a give-and-take deal. And I have always been better at taking than I giving.
So before Jenee,' I had said "I do" three times and followed it up with an "I don't" soon afterwards.
Since my first marriage didn't last as long as some Catholic weddings, I think I should get a mulligan.
My first marriage would have lasted a bit longer if there had only been one room -- the bedroom -- in our house. That's the only place we had anything in common.
The lesson learned from that is never marry for sex.
Then came Wife 2 and a new lesson.
Never marry as an obligation to parenthood.
Just because you get a woman pregnant doesn't mean you have to get married and make both of you and your children miserable for the rest of your lives.
Wife 2 and I stuck it out for 14 years until one summer day in 1989 when she ran off to Oregon to be with truck driver.
It broke my heart for oh, about 15 minutes.
Wife 3 and I were married for about six years, but we lived together only about half of that time.
The lesson I learned from that is never do the stepfamily thing -- especially when you each have two teenagers.
The third wife ran off and married a prisoner.
True story.
Continue reading "I do. I don't. I do. I don't. I do. I don't. I really do."
Posted by at 8:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)
More "oooga booga" from Osama bin Butthead
June 30, 2006Osama bin Butthead has made another recording.
But what's new? It seems like the world's most famous terrorist is doing more recording than his favorite group -- the Dixie Chicks -- these days.
This new one is 19 minutes -- almost two minutes longer than In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.
In it, Osama says:
"Ooga booga booga. Ooooooga. Boooga. Bushah. Islama booga booga booga booga. Allah ooga. Islam booga booga."
I don't speak Butthead.
But those who do have translated the latest oogas and boogas say old Osama is pretty pissed off about us killing his terrorist buddy Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.
Just last week, terrorist Ayman al-Zawahiri -- not to be confused with terrorist Abu Musab al Zarqawi -- called on all al-Qaeda terrorists to avenge his terrorist friend's death.
Terrorist al-Zawahiri is Osama's terrorist deputy -- meaning you should take him about as seriously as you would Barney Fife.
Continue reading "More "oooga booga" from Osama bin Butthead"
Posted by at 8:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
SOMEBODY -- go swim in another punch bowl
June 29, 2006The First Baptist Church opened its doors to the Wichita Falls Independent School District's back-to-school teacher assembly last summer and somebody got offended.
To quote the great philosopher Gomer Pyle -- "Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!"
Notice I said 'SOMEBODY" got offended.
That's a singular noun.
But as the pool hall philosopher used to say: "One little turd can spoil the whole punch bowl."
Continue reading "SOMEBODY -- go swim in another punch bowl"
Posted by at 8:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
I don't hug men or ugly women (well, I try not to)
June 28, 2006What do you do when you see your boss hugging a man in the alley?
(A.) Lower your head and act like you didn't see it.
(B.) Turn around and run and hope he doesn't see you.
(C.) Buy him a subscription to "Gay Guys Gone Wild" magazine as a Christmas gift.
(D.) Smile and say "Who's your boyfriend?"
(E.) None of the above
I chose (A).
But Carroll Wilson knew that I saw him.
So I resorted to (D.), only with much more tact.
"Who's he?" I asked as the other guy drove off and CW and I walked in the back door of the newsroom together.
"My priest," he answered.
Forgive me father for that last thought.
Continue reading "I don't hug men or ugly women (well, I try not to)"
Posted by at 7:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
He loved the little children of the world
June 27, 2006Newspaper obituarites never do life justice.
A person is born. A person lives. A person dies.
A funeral is scheduled.
Their family must now carry on without them.
Most people deserve more than that.
Charles Harmon deserved much, much more.
You see, Big Charlie was a great man.
If you never met him, count it as a blessing that you missed.
Continue reading "He loved the little children of the world"
Posted by at 8:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
"Grandpa, tell me a story about God."
June 26, 2006Just about every week my little grandson Nicholas surprises me with something he says.
I know Grandpa is prejudiced, but believe me, the wisdom this 3-year-old boy has will amaze you.
But on Sunday he surprised me and amazed me like never before when he said:
"Grandpa, tell me a story about God."
Now we weren't at Sunday school or some tent revivial at the time. In fact, I don't think this little guy has ever been inside a church in his life. Mom and Dad don't go, and Grandpa hasn't pushed the issue.
I was driving him home.
He was sitting in the backseat and I was singing his favorite song:
"Well, the monkey wrapped his tail around the flagpole
and scratched his elbow with his foot."
When I sing that, Nicholas reaches down and grabs his foot and rubs his elbow on it.
We do that all the time. We do a lot of things together.
But up until Sunday, we had never talked about God.
Continue reading ""Grandpa, tell me a story about God.""
Posted by at 8:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Rest of the Best
June 22, 2006The deadline for turning in your 2006 Texoma’s Best Ballots is Friday.
So here are my final endorsements in the “Best Stores� category.
Sorry for all the “no opinions,� but I’m not a big shopper.
Best Antique Store. Astonias Antiques and Uniques on Monroe Street
Best Auto Parts Store: Auto Zone on Kemp
Best Boat Store: (no opinion)
Best Bookstore:
New: Books-a-Million
Used: Larry McMurtry’s Booked Up stores in Archer City
Best Bridal Shop: (Stay single)
Best Car Rental: Enterprise
Best Carpet Store: (no opinion)
Best Children’s Clothing Store: JC Penney
Best Children’s Consignment Store: (no opinion)
Best Computer Store: Best Buy
Best Convenience Store: Flying J
Continue reading "Rest of the Best"
Posted by at 7:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
What's next -- Brother Bill and Sister Lambchops?
June 21, 2006Having sat through Graham Ball's funeral -- which was longer than "Gone with the Wind" -- I know I will never be an Episcopalian.
In fact, I try to avoid friendships with Episcopalians just knowing that I will never, ever sit through another one of those marathons again.
If there ever was a chance in heaven that I would convert to the E-church, that door was officially closed when they opened it to gay preachers.
I don't care if my barber is gay or my pharmacist is gay or my grocer is gay.
If any of the coaches I have to work ran out of the closet, that would be OK, too.
I don't discriminate against homosexuals.
But there are some people that I do business with that I want to be hetero.
Like urologists, proctologists and preachers.
Continue reading "What's next -- Brother Bill and Sister Lambchops?"
Posted by at 7:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
My God, what do we really know?
June 20, 2006I go to a men's Bible study at my church bright and early every Tuesday morning.
To me it is a time of important spiritual male bonding.
Sometimes, our little group of guys gets into some pretty interesting discussions -- like today when the subject of pre-destination popped up.
If God is the creator of everything, then He created Satan.
So God created evil.
Life then becomes a game with God as nothing more than a puppetmaster who rewards his good puppets with mansions on streets of gold for ever and ever and punishes his bad puppets by letting them burn in hell for eternity.
Eternity is a long time, my friends. It's even longer than the last two minutes of an NBA playoff game.
Continue reading "My God, what do we really know?"
Posted by at 8:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Mavs have a mulligan; Mickelson doesn't
June 19, 2006Father's Day is supposed to be a "special day" for guys like me.
If so, I wasted one "special day" Sunday.
I spent 9 1/2 hours in front of my TV set watching two historic choke jobs.
Mickelson and the Mavericks.
Continue reading "Mavs have a mulligan; Mickelson doesn't"
Posted by at 8:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Daddy, I love you!
June 16, 2006They said that the only difference between an alcoholic and a drunk is that the drunks don’t go to meetings.
That officially makes my Daddy a drunk.
He never went to any AA meetings. There was nothing anonymous about him and his alcohol.
He got off work at 4 p.m., so at 4:05 p.m. every day, you could find Daddy and his buddies sitting on their favorite barstools at the Bar-L or Lee’s or Tuck Inn or the Snack Shack or some other popular downtown watering hole.
And for the next eight hours, those old cooks and crooks would drink cheap whiskey from half pint bottles and chase it with draw beer.
Then they would all somehow drive home and pass out -- sometimes in the car, sometimes on the toilet, sometimes on the couch. Once in a blue moon, Daddy made it to bed, always in his clothes, always with a cigarette burning.
As a kid, I never went to sleep at night until I knew that cigarette was out. He would drop it. I would pick it up and rub it out in an ash tray.
There was a time in my life when I hated Daddy for all those nights and other things that made a boy’s life hell.
He ignored me.
He discouraged me.
He embarrassed me.
Continue reading "Daddy, I love you!"
Posted by at 8:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)
Good service is appreciated
June 15, 2006Today I will continue my 2006 “Texoma’s Best� endorsements in the “Best Services� category.
I am very loyal to the companies that I give my endorsements. To those, I know nothing about, I will say nothing about.
Continue reading "Good service is appreciated"
Posted by at 7:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Don't worry -- the big trophy still coming to Big D
June 14, 2006I try to keep my blogs as "sports-free" as possible, but not today.
Not after watching that nightmare of a finish for the Mavericks on Tuesday night.
With 6 1/2 minutes to play, Dallas was enjoying a 13-point lead and apparently coasting to a 3-0 lead over Miami. That's when a great headline idea popped into my head.
I called the guys back at the office and told them:
"3 and Oh!"
My son, who was watching the game with me at my house, grinned and said "3 and Over" might be better.
Then Dwayne Wade rewrote that headline.
Continue reading "Don't worry -- the big trophy still coming to Big D"
Posted by at 8:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
"I wouldn't watch soccer if it they were playing the World Cup in my backyard -- and giving away free beer."
June 13, 2006"The World Cup is over."
That's what one friend -- a card-carrying soccer mom -- said to me Monday, just minutes after the United States had a laid a huge goose egg on German soil.
I tried to act like I gave a big rat's patoot.
But she knows me.
She knew how I really felt.
To quote the late great Lewis Grizzard: "I wouldn't watch soccer if it they were playing the World Cup in my backyard -- and giving away free beer."
Now if Grizzard were alive today, even the legalized whoring going on in Germany would not tempt him to watch soccer.
Posted by at 8:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Good Old Joe riding the "best" coattails
June 12, 2006I haven’t watched Joe Brown’s morning TV show in 27 years, but I was told that he went on the air Wednesday morning of last week, pimping for some friends and himself to be “Texoma’s Best� in 2006.
It’s a good chance Good Old Joe will win the “best writer� award this year and maybe even the “best TV personality.� And it’s not the early morning campaigning that wins him such high honors. It’s the fact that some of his buddies -- who try and stuff the ballot box -- write him in on their numerous ballots, and he rides in on their coattails.
Joe’s my friend, but not my choice for “Texoma’s Best.�
Today, I will give you my endorsements for the “Best People� category of this year’s “Texoma’s Best.� Read on.
Continue reading "Good Old Joe riding the "best" coattails"
Posted by at 9:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
B.S.: Baby Stupidity
June 9, 2006
I don’t want to see Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt’s baby pictures.
I don’t care if People Magazine was stupid enough to pay a reported $4.1 million for the rights to show them to me, I could care less what this kid looks like.
They say little Shiloh has her daddy’s blue eyes and her mommy’s puffy lips.
Please!
I’m betting my grandson, Nicholas, would make this little girl look like a cross-eyed monkey.
Heck, yours truly was a cuter baby than this Hollywood love child.
Just look at the photo that runs beside this blog. Yep, that’s little Nicky.
And I’m showing you my baby photo for free.
So I’m not going to hurry out to the nearest newsstand today to buy People Magazine hot off the press.
Heck, I didn’t even hurry out to see my own kids after they were born.
Continue reading "B.S.: Baby Stupidity"
Posted by at 8:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
A hot date turns kooky, not kinky.
June 8, 2006Your date is a good-looking blonde with long legs and a body that is primo female real estate.
You are sitting in a restaurant, sipping drinks.
Your leg brushes up against hers underneath the table.
She smiles at you with her bedroom eyes.
You think to yourself:
"HELLO WIN COLUMN!'
'HELLO HOLIDAY INN!"
Continue reading "A hot date turns kooky, not kinky."
Posted by at 7:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Is the fix on with "Texoma's Best?"
June 7, 2006Can “Texoma’s Best� be fixed?
Duh!
For years, Texas politicians -- including LBJ -- got votes from dead people.
So don’t you think a contest that chooses “best attorney,� “best used car salesman� and “best bail bondsman� just might be a teeny, weeny bit suspicious?
Especially when one person can vote as many times as he wants to.
The newspaper tries to make the contest as fair as possible -- by not accepting photocopies of ballots. (Yes, this also means we sell more papers, but that’s our business.)
We also require 75 percent of each ballot to be completed. If someone wants to take a few days and fill out a few hundred ballots “in ink,� then that person has a real good chance at winning.
Some people win every year because they know how to play the game.
But then there are others who win every year -- like Pat’s Drive In -- because people think they are the best and vote for them.
The only people who gripe about this contest are the losers -- like me.
Today, I will continue to give you more of my “2006 Texoma’s Best endorsements� by finishing out the eats and drinks category and then the entertainment category. Read on.
Continue reading "Is the fix on with "Texoma's Best?""
Posted by at 7:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
666? Stand on your head today and it's 999
June 6, 2006Happy 6-6-06!
Some say the world will end today.
Vegas will give you 100,000-to--1 it won’t.
Trouble is, if you take the odds and win, you won’t be around collect your money.
All my life, we’ve had people claiming they know when the end of time will be. They gather up all their belongings and head to the mountains and wait for it to happen.
It never does.
I have always thought if one of these nuts ever got lucky and actually guessed the day the world would end, God would change it just to make him look stupid.
Others claim the Antichrist will be born on 6-6-06.
Doubt that will happen, but you can bet there will be some weirdo parents out there who will name their new baby boy Damien.
Revelations 13:18 reads:
“Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.�
I am not sure exactly what that means, but I know I don’t like 666.
I once bought a used car and had the owner drive a few miles off of it so the odometer would not read 66,600.
But at the same time, if I were in a poker game holding a pair of 6’s and the dealer flopped a third 6, I wouldn’t fold.
So don’t go freaking out on me today.
If 666 really spooks you that much, just stand on your head for 24 hours.
The mark of the beast is not 999.
Continue reading "666? Stand on your head today and it's 999"
Posted by at 8:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
"Texoma's Best?"
June 5, 2006Since I employed by the newspaper, I'm not sure if I get a vote.
But you do.
In fact, you have 211 slots on your "official ballot" for the 2006 edition of "Texoma's Best."
If you don't have a ballot, run to the bird cage or the trash cash and get Pages 6 and 7C of your Sunday paper. If you don't have a ballot, it will run again in this Wednesday's paper. Make sure to get one because in the new few weeks, I will be giving you my "Best" endorsements.
The rules say you have to fill out 75 percent of the ballot. That's 159 bests.
So say if you are like me and not really sure where's the best place to buy a manufactured home, you can skip it.
Is this an advertising driven election?
Well, check out the ballot and decide for yourself.
There are 33 ads on the page.
When is the last time you voted in an election and saw a picture of say David Farabee on the ballot saying "Thanks for making me your state representative?'
Continue reading ""Texoma's Best?""
Posted by at 8:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
From ASS to NIRAPATHPONGPORN
June 2, 2006Did you ever wonder why Franklin Delano Roosevelt became FDR -- but George Walker Bush is not GWB, but simply Bush?
You can blame this on us newspaper guys.
Roosevelt's name was just too hard to fit in a headline, so headline writers came up with FDR.
Eisenhower, another long name, was just called Ike.
Kennedy was shortened a bit to JFK. Johnson was LBJ, and his vice president Hubert Humprhey was HHH.
Since 1972, we have not had only one president (Clinton) with more than six letters in his last name.
Are you still awake?
I am waiting for someone named Alfred Samuel Schumaker to be elected president.
Will newspapers dare call him ASS?
He won't be the first ASS to sit in the Oval Office.
Continue reading "From ASS to NIRAPATHPONGPORN"
Posted by at 8:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
I ggot gscrewed gin gthe gspelling gbee.
June 1, 2006Although you probably can't tell it by reading 21st Century Nicky, I used to be a pretty good speller.
No, I never made it to the big dance in Washington, D.C., but I made it to the study hall stage at Reagan Junior High School. In the spring of 1960, I was second place in the Reagan spelling bee.
Some Barbie doll won it.
I remember at the end, when it came down to Nicky vs. Barbie, she tried to distract me by crossing her legs and giving me a small glimpse of adorable flesh.
I sat there trying to go over all the possible hard words in my mind, but what kept popping into my mind would not be found in my little Scripps spelling book.
No, Iwantolickyouallover was not in the book.
Neither was Pleaseletmeseeyourunderwear.
I became so distracted that I missed on a four-letter word.
Continue reading "I ggot gscrewed gin gthe gspelling gbee."
Posted by at 8:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Thanks, Louie; I'm choking to death.
May 31, 2006"Where are you preaching?"
"Who died?"
"Man, you clean up pretty good."
Those are just some of things I hear when I wear a coat and tie.
Most of you have never seen me in a coat and tie.
That's because it happens about as often as Haley's Comet comes to town.
For me, dressing up is Dockers, a sports shirt, clean underwear and socks without holes that can be seen.
I hate ties.
They choke the holy crap out of me.
They're also expensive and hard to tie.
But I am wearing one today because I have been asked to be a pallbearer at a friend's funeral.
I can't remember ever seeing Sam Milam wearing a tie. But I will wear one in his honor today.
When the funeral is over, though, this baby is coming off quick.Real quick.
So who came up with the perverted idea of wearing neckties?
Surely, it was some king looking for a way to cover up big pimples on his neck.
Continue reading "Thanks, Louie; I'm choking to death."
Posted by at 7:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Yaaaay, Julie! Boo, Rider!
May 30, 2006Julie Callahan made a stand.
I applaud her for it.
While the rest of Rider High School's senior class of 2006, walked across the stage to receive their diplomas Saturday night, Julie -- wearing her cap and gown --sat in the audience with her parents.
She made a choice on Thursday, going to watch Rider's playoff baseball games in Snyder ratherr than attending the mandatory graduation rehearsal.
She knew the price that she would have to pay -- and she paid it.
I don't necessarily agree with the decision this young girl made, but I admire her for standing up for what she believed in.
But where were Rider's senior baseball players Saturday night?
Continue reading "Yaaaay, Julie! Boo, Rider!"
Posted by at 8:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)
Remember the heroes!
May 28, 2006'If you are able, save them a place inside of you,
and save one backward glance when you are leaving for the places they can no longer go.
Be not ashamed to say you loved them,
though you may or may not always have.
Take what they have taught you with their dying
and keep it with your own.
And in that time when men decide and feel safe to call the war insane,
take one moment to embrace those gentle heroes you left behind."
Continue reading "Remember the heroes!"
Posted by at 10:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
10-under -par not bad for a 20-handicapper
May 26, 2006I'm headed to the golf course this afternoon -- the second time this week that I am playing a benefit "scramble."
When I get home tonight and the wife asks "How did you play?" I will answer somewhere between 7 and 10 under par.
But there is no way I can shoot anything close to 7 to 10 under par.
My best round of golf was an 8-over-par 79 at River Creek three years ago. Since then, I haven't come close to breaking 80 -- except when we have a "scramble."
Golf scrambles are good for the male ego.
We bogey golfers can actually make birdies -- lots of them.
And we might do it without ever using one of our own shots.
Continue reading "10-under -par not bad for a 20-handicapper"
Posted by at 11:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Mavs can't run with the Suns
May 25, 2006When I woke up Wednesday morning, I thougt the Dallas Mavericks were headed for the NBA Finals.
The biggest hurdle had already been cleared.
The defending champion Spurs had been conquered.
Phoenix, without Amare Stoudemire, wouldn't be much of a problem.
But when I went to bed morning, my attitude had done a 360.
The Mavs are in trouble.
Continue reading "Mavs can't run with the Suns"
Posted by at 12:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
It's a graduation ceremony -- not Hamlet!
May 24, 2006"You will sit here between Garfield and Goosbly. When you see me raise my hand, your row will stand up and go toward the stage. When your name is called, you will receive your diploma. You then leave the stage and go back to your seat."
That was my graduation practice. It took about 15 minutes, but I still remember it 42 years later.
David Garfield on my left, Dale Goolsby on my right.
But it's not like we were performing Hamlet,
If you have made it through 12 years of school, you should be prepared to learn the graduation ceremony in -- oh, about 10 minutes.
The smartest people sit on the stage with the superintendent, the principal and some important person who will speak about how important it is to have an education and be smart enough to learn the graduation ceremony in 10 minutes.
So, what is all this fuss about over at Rider?
Continue reading "It's a graduation ceremony -- not Hamlet!"
Posted by at 7:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
More than a bad hair day for sweet Audrey
May 23, 2006A year ago Audrey watched her father kidnapped by terrorists and then saw her boyfriend kill her husband. Later in the day, her boyfriend was killed.
I would call that more than just some "bad hair day" for sweet Audrey.
But it wasn't the worse day of her life.
This year Audrey's bad day started when she found out that her boyfriend wasn't dead, but he had a new girl.
Then she got her boyfriend back, but her best friends thought she was a mole and a traitor and she was about to have her toenails plucked out when her boyfriend stepped in and saved her pretty fanny.
Then dear old dad commits suicide and drives his car into the river.
A few minutes later, the real bad guy cut a major artery and Audrey was bleeding to death until here Mighty Mouse boyfriend saves her sweet tush again.
While getting medical attention, she finds out that Daddy is not dead. He's the secretary of defense but he's also so stupid, he can't even kill himself.
Finally, the day ends with Daddy alive, boyfriend alive, the bad guys dead or in jail and the Mavericks leading the Spurs by 14 at halftime.
Boyfriend grabs Audrey and slips her some tongue.
Neither have showered since last November, but who cares?
Continue reading "More than a bad hair day for sweet Audrey"
Posted by at 8:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
God, this is getting old!
May 21, 2006Surveys have shown that readers want more religion in their newspaper.
That may come as a shock to you. I know it did to me.
If you have been reading our paper the past few months, you might have noticed that we are trying to give people what they ask for. You are getting more daily religion for your 50 cents.
There's nothing wrong with that.
If there had been newspapers back in Jesus' day, I'm sure he would have made the front page several times a week.
But what I would like to see less of in the paper is the stupid arguing in the letters to the editor section.
We need to quit printing these "I'm going to heaven and you're going to hell" vs. "to hell with you" arguments.
But now that the "Da Vinci Code" is on the big screen, I think this is going to get worse before it gets better.
Continue reading "God, this is getting old!"
Posted by at 10:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Two-pack for sure is off limits
May 19, 2006Mike Tyson’s best punch was often the low blow.
The opening bell would ring and Iron Mike would charge across the ring and pound a guy right in his two-pack.
The referee would give Tyson a warning.
But the other guy was forced to fight with his testicles stuck in his throat.
Remember, though, this was boxing, a sport where the main goal is to knock someone unconscious.
Basketball is not so brutal.
But the rules are the same – you just don’t hit a guy in his two-pack.
Continue reading "Two-pack for sure is off limits"
Posted by at 10:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
She loves you -- nah, nah, nah
May 18, 2006So what would you guess is Heather Mills McCartney’s favorite Beatles song?
Lucy in the Sky? (Nah).
Let it Be? (Nope).
Yesterday? (Not today.)
Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band? (Not for me, but Paul might dig it.)
No, there’s only one old Beatles’ song at the top of Heather’s chart today.
And it goes like this. . .
The best things in life are free,
But you can tell me ‘bout the birds and bees.
Now gimme money (that’s what I want)
The four-year marriage between Paul McCartney and Heather is coming to an end.
And Heather’s severance pay is staggering.
It has been reported that the divorce settlement will pay her $1.9 million per week for every week she and Paul were married.
That’s approximately 200 weeks or $380 million.
Money don't get everything it's true.
What it don't get I can't use.
So gimme money (that's what I want)
A little money (that's what I want)
Continue reading "She loves you -- nah, nah, nah"
Posted by at 11:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Do as the Romans do.
May 17, 2006For most of my life I have been in favor of the death penalty.
An eye for an eye.
A tooth for a tooth.
Fry 'em.
Gas 'em.
Stick a needle in 'em.
Stick a form in 'em -- they're done!
Just kill 'em and rid our planet of all these scum bags.
But when I read a story like the one on Page 2A of our newspaper today, my opinion sways the other way.
Our courts screw up way too much for any of us to know for sure that the guilty are really guilty.
Some of those guys in prison claiming they are innocent are telling the truth.
Our court system has claimed a 99.97 percent accuracy rate.
In the past 17 years, DNA evidence has cast doubt on such a claim.
But even if it is 99 percent, that ain't good enough.
Continue reading "Do as the Romans do."
Posted by at 8:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
My God, Martha!
May 16, 2006As far as First Ladies go, Martha Logan is a babe.
But remember, we're lot comparing her to Eva Longoria here.
We're stacking her up against other First Ladies.
And Eleanaor Roosevelt ain't Eva Longoria.
During my boyhood, First Ladies were like schoolteachers.
None of my teachers were tall sexy, big-bosomed blondes.
They were all short squatty gray-haired women. They all wore their hair in buns. And they had names like Edna and Agnes and Myrtle.
There was a reason these women were old maids.
I remember one year a young, decent-looking young teacher showed up in my classroom. She sat on the desk and crossed her legs a couple of times. That gave education a whole new meaning in Nicky Gholson's young life.
Stay after school? Heck, yeah.
First Ladies were just like schoolteachers. Old and ugly.
Continue reading "My God, Martha!"
Posted by at 8:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Hug your Mama, I wish i could hug mine
May 12, 2006This is a re-run of my Mother' Day blog from a year ago.
----
I always get kind of sentimental at this time of year.
That’s because I have always been a Mama’s boy.
And, boy, do I miss my Mama.
She has been gone for almost 43 years.
I was only 16 – a month before the start of my senior year in high school – when Mama was killed.
She was only 35.
Continue reading "Hug your Mama, I wish i could hug mine"
Posted by at 9:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Great Indoorsman needs a sleeping bag
May 11, 2006My wife and I went to Cabela’s in Fort Worth a few weeks back in search of some camping gear.
We bought some cooking stuff, a tent and a sleeping bag.
Notice, I said “a� sleeping bag.
That's because I don't camp.
Continue reading "Great Indoorsman needs a sleeping bag"
Posted by at 11:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
These goofballs give Baptists a bad name.
May 10, 2006Curiosity took me to their Web site
"Warning. Gospel Preaching Ahead" -- the large yellow sign told me.
Then there was a whole bunch of stuff about sodomites and Jesus Christ and Hell surrounded by a lot of "Thee" and "Thou" King James Bible scriptures supposedly backing it all up. I didn't bother to read it, but instead scrolled down to the bottom where I was given another warning.
"If this Gospel truth offends you, then please hit the "Back" button on your browser.
Since I am a Christian and believe in the Gospel, I instead clicked on the big ENTER button.
After all, this Web site is run by Westboro Baptist Church.
And I'm a Baptist.
What harm can it do?
Lord, I can't believe what I saw next.
Continue reading "These goofballs give Baptists a bad name."
Posted by at 8:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
President Logan's a wimp!
May 9, 2006The President of the United States sat in his office, sipping Scotch and staring at his pistol.
Pull the trigger and it would all be over quickly.
The country would be saved from some long, drawn out expensive trial in which a U.S. president would be accused of plotting the murder of a former U.S. president.
Just eat that bullet, President Logan.
Make drugged-up Martha a widow.
You wimp!
Continue reading "President Logan's a wimp!"
Posted by at 8:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
I want my Sunday paper back!
May 8, 2006This may be my final blog.
I can get away with saying the assistant superintendent should be fired and illegal aliens should be jailed, even though my bosses may not agree.
I can rag on college basketball coaches, teenage perverts and George W. Bush.
I can even make fun of the company's phone answering lessons and corporate surveys.
But I am about to go somewhere I probably should not go -- and somewhere I may not return from.
I'm going to criticize this newspaper.
Continue reading "I want my Sunday paper back!"
Posted by at 8:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Cinco de Mayo? I'll drink to that!
May 5, 2006I really think Cinco de Mayo was invented by On the Border.
Check it out tonight if you don’t believe me.
The place -- which on this one day expands into the parking lot -- will be packed.
There will be a whole lotta margariteer drinking and enchilader eating there tonight.
In fact, On the Border has been celebrating Cinco de Mayo for a month now, getting us all fired up for the big day.
The OTB used to be my favorite watering hole.
My wife and I -- and sometimes a friend or two -- would gather there every Wednesday night.
Then one night we showed up and the place was packed -- so packed that they ran out of clean glasses in the bar.
“What’s going on,� I asked the bartender.
“Cinco de Mayo,� he answered.
“What’s that -- a Mexican Christmas?� I said.
“More like the Mexican Fourth of July. I think it’s Mexican Independence Day,� he replied.
Wrong
And the bartender was Mexican.
Continue reading "Cinco de Mayo? I'll drink to that!"
Posted by at 8:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
When is "No" not enough?
May 4, 2006I took the "Scripps Total Rewards Survey" this week.
The corporate office had been promising for weeks that this was not the typical "attitude survey" that we have had to endure over the years.
And it wasn't.
But there was one question on this survey that has been on all of the other 10 billion surveys I have filled out since taking this job.
"Are you satisfied with your salary?"
Now,just how dumb a question is that?
Who is going to answer "Yes" -- A-Rod, Bill Gates, the oil company CEOs who are screwing us over?
People who have so much power they don't have to take attitude surveys.
Continue reading "When is "No" not enough?"
Posted by at 7:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
"X" marks the spot
May 3, 2006It seems our schools are always in a budget crunch.
There's just never enough money to pay all the bills, so something has to go.
Teachers and teachers aides are often that "something."
Now I can sympathize with the WFISD because my whole life has been a big budget crunch.
There's never enough money to pay all my bills. Something always has to go.
But I don't cut groceries or electricity of health insurance.
So it ticked me off when I read a story on the front page of our paper today saying that "because personnel costs are the largest chunk (79 percent) of the district's expenses, Assistant Superintendent Dr. Tim Powers is combing through his list of teachers, evaluating the mission of each one in every position."
Wouldn't it be easier to just fire Tim Powers?
That right there would save almost $97,000 a year.
Continue reading ""X" marks the spot"
Posted by at 7:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Chloe for President
May 2, 2006Kinky Friedman will be in town the next couple of days, hustling up votes to be governor of Texas.
I'm not paying 100 bucks to eat at Texas Roadhouse, but I will cast my vote for the Kinky one.
How can you not vote for a guy who;
Has a DVD entitled: "Proud to be an A.. hole from El Paso"
Writes a song called: "They Ain't Making Jews Like Jesus Anymore."
Write a book called: "The Love Songs of J.Edgar Hoover."
Kinky for Governor
But Chloe for President.
Continue reading "Chloe for President"
Posted by at 8:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
No boycott for me
May 1, 2006I'm not gong to boycott anything today.
Fact is I have never boycotted anything in my life.
I didn't eat at the Pioneer on Maplewood for a year or so once because a rude waitress ticked me off, but I don't think that counts as a boycott.
I don't even give up anything for lent. I don't eat Brussel sprouts or watch Oprah between Ash Wednesday and Easter, but that's not lent.
I hate Brussel sprouts and Oprah.
Back during my smoking days, the "Great American Smokeout" day would end for me in about 30 seconds -- just as soon as I could find my cigarettes and lighter.
Continue reading "No boycott for me"
Posted by at 8:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
One Mel of a weekend
April 28, 2006I tell myself not to do it.
Play golf instead.
Go fishing.
Read "War and Peace."
Watch all of Clint Eastwood's movies.
Drink.
Drink.
Drink.
Drink some more.
But when the clock strikes 11 Saturday morning, I will do what I always do on this day every year.
I will watch the NFL Draft.
Continue reading "One Mel of a weekend"
Posted by at 9:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Happy 34th anniversary to me!!
April 27, 2006 This column ran back in 2002 when I celebrated my 30th year working for the Times Record News. Today -- April 27 -- is my 34th anniversary with the newspaper, so I thought since 34 was the number worn by both the great Nolan Ryan and the late, great Walter Payton, I would re-run it for you with a few updates.
------------------------------------------
The year was 1972.
Nixon was in the White House. Watergate was just a swanky hotel.
Young American kids were dying on the battlefields of Vietnam.
Arab terrorists were murdering young Israeli athletes.
Don McLean’s “American Pie� was the year’s No. 1 song.
“The Godfather� was the top movie of the year.
Britney Spears’ parents were in the Pepsi Generation.
On April 27 of that year - exactly 34 years ago today - Ted Buss, then the sports editor of this newspaper, gave his newest sports writer a scorebook and sent him to Burkburnett to cover a Hirschi-Burk high school baseball game.
It was my first assignment and my first byline.
Since that day I have been fortunate enough to cover a Summer Olympics in Greece and a Winter Olympics in Italy; 30 Dallas Cowboys’ seasons and three Super Bowls; baseball’s All-Star Game and all of the Texas Rangers’ home playoff games; the very first Dallas Mavericks game; the NCAA basketball tournament; a PGA Championship and a U.S. Open.
I’ve followed Tiger Woods inside the ropes for 18 holes.
I’ve met Willie Mays and Hank Aaron; Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson; O.J., Dr. J and Sugar Ray; Nicklaus, Palmer, Trevino and Player; Bo Jackson, Bear Bryant, Tom Landry, Nolan Ryan, George W. Bush, more celebrity elbow-rubbing than I have time to talk about.
Man, it has been a fun 34 years.
Continue reading "Happy 34th anniversary to me!!"
Posted by at 8:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Way to go, granny
April 25, 2006When I was in junior high, I had one goal in life.
To view as much of the female anatomy as possible.
That's just the way God made little boys -- out of snips and snails and puppy dog tails..
(What is a snip? Must have something to do with circumcision.)
So I can understand why some 13-year-old boy might think about pulling some cute girl's panties down.
But thinking about it and doing it are two different things.
A front page story in our paper today told about how a seventh-grade boy at McNiel had been "given a ticket" for "disorderly conduct" for pulling a girl's panties down in front of friends after school.
"Disorderly" conduct is throwing a pencil at someone in class.
This was sexual harrassment.
And I am in complete agreement with the girl's grandmother. This kid needs to be punished with something more harsh than a fine that his parents are going to pay.
Continue reading "Way to go, granny"
Posted by at 8:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
31 points, 11 rebounds
April 24, 2006I don't know if Dirk Nowitzki deserves to be the MVP of the NBA.
That's because I probably didn't watch one entire NBA game all season.
I covered the Grizzles-Mavericks Game 1 Sunday night in Dallas, and that was the first entire game I had seen this year.
I have a hard time getting excited about this league.
To me, it's just 10 millionaires running up and down a room in their underwear with thousands of people paying hundreds of dollars to watch it.
Continue reading "31 points, 11 rebounds"
Posted by at 12:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Turning burgers into baloney
April 21, 2006George Bush bought my vote.
And all it cost him was a couple of cheesburgers.
Now, I'm talking Bush 41 here.
The old man.
George Herbert Walker Bush.
Continue reading "Turning burgers into baloney"
Posted by at 1:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
It's 4-20: Where are your children?
April 20, 20064-20 is now one of the most interesting days of the year.
If you planned ahead, you bought lots of stock in Oreo cookies because it's a good bet on April 20, Oreo consumption will go up drastically.
You have heard of crunchtime.
Well, welcome to munchtime.
It's "Reefer Madness" all over the USA -- the day when many Americans celebrate marijuana.
Continue reading "It's 4-20: Where are your children?"
Posted by at 12:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Racial tension and the Golden Rule
April 19, 2006"Racial tension."
How many times have you seen those two words on the sports page lately?
Like everytime there is a story about the Duke lacrosse team.
All of the Duke players indicted for the alleged rape are white.
The victim is black.
And they're quickly taking sides in Durham, N.C.
Continue reading "Racial tension and the Golden Rule"
Posted by at 1:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Gone fishing
April 17, 2006Just thought I should tell you that I am taking a couple of days R and R on Monday and Tuesday. I will start my blogs back up on Wednesday.
Not sure anybody is reading these things because I get almost no feedback.
Continue reading "Gone fishing"
Posted by at 8:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Gone fishing
Just thought I should tell you that I am taking a couple of days R and R on Monday and Tuesday. I will start my blogs back up on Wednesday.
Not sure anybody is reading these things because I get almost no feedback.
Continue reading "Gone fishing"
Posted by at 8:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Easter Eve?
April 15, 2006Just sitting here flipping the remote and wondering “Why isn’t there an Easter Eve?�. . . .
I started flipping the remote Saturday afternoon trying to find the Rangers’ game. Once I realized it wasn’t on TV, I began looking for alternate viewing.
And what I found was better than the Rangers. (That really doesn’t take much these days.)
First, I found a tribute to Hank Williams Jr. TV has way too many awards shows, but I stopped off on CMT when I heard Johnny Cash’s name mentioned. Hank Jr. was receiving a reward named for the late great J.C.
I saw Hank Williams Jr. at Memorial Auditorium here in Wichita Falls back in 1977 or 1978. The place holds 2,700 people. Only about 200 showed up to see Hank.
Continue reading "Easter Eve?"
Posted by at 4:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
It was a Good Friday
April 14, 2006For much of my life I couldn’t understand what was so good about Good Friday.
I saw nothing good in the torture and execution of an innocent man. And when that man just so happens to be the son of God and the execution is crucifixion upon a cross – well, what’s so good about that?
But in my youth, I never really heard much about Good Friday. I grew up in the Church of Christ where “we celebrate Easter every Sunday.� Because of that attitude, Easter and the things that go with it, really weren’t the big deal they were in other churches.
Continue reading "It was a Good Friday"
Posted by at 8:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
$2 million for a basketball coach?
April 13, 2006When did basketball coaches become so expensive?
It's not like they're rare and hard to find.
And you really don't have to be very smart to do it.
So why are colleges offering 2 million bucks a year for a coach?
Yeah, you read right. 2 million bucks to coach a game that basically is 10 guys at a time running up and down the floor in their underwear.
Continue reading "$2 million for a basketball coach?"
Posted by at 8:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
The Paper...
April 12, 2006"The Paper" was once the marketing trademark for the Times Record News.
For some reason, we stopped using it, but I always liked it because that's what everybody called us.
"Do you work at The Paper?"
"I've been subscribing to The Paper all my life."
Etc., etc., etc.
Well this week The Paper ran out of the paper.
Or at least my favorite stall in the men's room here did.
Continue reading "The Paper..."
Posted by at 7:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Don't call me, I'll call you
April 11, 2006I spent part of my morning today learning how to answer the phone.
Now, I'm waiting on the big test. I just know the company is going to plant a mole to dial my number to see if I learned my lesson.
Here is how a call would have gone before my Team TRN changed my life:
Ring, Ring Ring
Ring Ring Ring
Ring Ring Ring
Ring Ring Ring
"Sports"
"Yeah, buddy, can you tell me what was the score after the third quarter of the Super Bowl?"
"The Super Bowl that was played on Feb 5? Just a minute, let me let you talk with our Super Bowl third quarter score editor, Lee Anderson."
click
Now here's how the new me -- or at least the paranoid me -- will handle such a call.
Ring Ring
"Sports: Nick Gholson speaking. May I help you."
Continue reading "Don't call me, I'll call you"
Posted by at 2:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
weekend with Nick
April 2, 2006I didn't watch a single minute of the Final Four on Saturday.
Continue reading "weekend with Nick"
Posted by at 5:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
Friday with Nick (3-31)
March 31, 2006TGIF.
Saturday is a holiday. April Fool's Day. I know my boss reads my blogs, so I want to ask:
D.C. "Are we getting April Fool's bonuses this year?"
I asked that same question about Christmas bonuses and they said:
"April Fools"
Continue reading "Friday with Nick (3-31)"
Posted by at 2:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
March 28 thoughts
March 28, 2006I got pretty good at this blog thing when I was in Turin, but that was a month ago, so I screw up, please forgive me.
I admit I love March Madness.
The first weekend, I got to cover the NCAA Tournament in Dallas and left there believing in Memphis. I never really liked the Texas team, but Memphis seemed to have it together. Great athleticism, Great depth. Great coach.
Why not Memphis?
Well, once they got to the final 8 in Oakland, they sucked.They just self-destructed and gave UCLA an easy Final Four berth.
Texas did what I expected Texas to do. I wonder what Coach K or Roy Williams or Rick Pitino or event Billy Gillespie would do with the talent the Longhorns have. They just never seem to have it together. The only reason they stayed close to LSU was Buckman played over his head.
Now we have the Final Four.
I like Florida vs. LSU with Florida winning.
I want to pick LSU but I think a team in this era of college basketball has to shoot 19 foot jumpers better than the Tigers do to win a national championship.
George Mason? I would love to see it. But it can't happen. Can it?
Posted by at 4:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
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